The Immortality Protocol

[Robert E. Parkin]

This is a new Scifi, Action Adventure piece I've been working on for the last couple of weeks. The project has been moving along very well. Given I haven't posted in awhile, I figured I would leave the Prologue here to see what people have to say. All feedback is welcomed. The piece is 1151 words which consists of the entire Prologue of the book. Thanks again for your time and consideration.

(Also, sorry if I missed any stupid edits. I always miss one or two when reading my own work. ^^

THE IMMORTALITY PROTOCOL: PROLOGUE

“Oh, this scene again . . .”

A torrent of blinding white surrounded me, misty, and cold. I’ve been here before. Many times. I can no longer recall how many. After all, it always ends the same.

“Ah, here he comes, to kill me again.”

A massive figure appeared before me. Rigid, and defined. His body rippled against the white mist beyond, as he grabbed hold of my arm. Effortlessly the black figure twisted his wrist, and I watched my arm come clean off.

Well, at least I can’t feel pain.

I looked at the gapping socket where my arm used to be. Pistons and wires flared everywhere, flailing uselessly like a fish out of water. I could hear the churning gears in my shoulder, trying to find reason behind the malfunction.

He seems to be taking his time this round.

The figure smashed his foot on my leg, breaking it clean off. The force of the impact sent the dismembered leg flying into the white abyss beyond. I tried to see where it flew off to, but got distracted by the unsavory sound of liquid squirting out of tubes, like the bottom of a ketchup bottle.

“Hurry it up will you,” I said sounding bored.

The figure has never spoken, no matter how many times this scene played before me. I’m always powerless, unable to move. Piece by piece, he ripped me apart. Sometimes he would make it quick and go for my head or chest first. I think at one point this terrified me, but now, I’m just numb to the nightmare.

The figure smashed his foot down on my chest, caving it in.

That’s fine, I always felt breast just got in the way, I joked to myself.

The figure grabbed my hair, holding me up like a limp marionette. My long hair of white made it seem like I was being held up by strings as it was tied off in the back. I couldn’t help but chuckle in the cruel irony.

Sparks fired and gears creaked and popped from my chest as he held me suspended in the white void. This part was kind of new. He had never just stood there for so long without at least ripping a piece of me off.

“What are you waiting for, just finish it.”

The blank face of darkness before me then split and revealed a large red grin. Ear to ear, unnatural, and horrifying. His curved eyes of crimson broke through the deep blackness of his face upon his grin fully forming. It looked like something out of a cartoon.

I see. I had almost forgotten his calling card, that sinister sneer of crimson.

Part of me always wondered who this dark figure was that appeared in my mind. A massive black giant with a sick and twisted smile. I could never awake before I saw him. It was infuriating, terrifying, but also, mystifying. The figure made my body go numb with fear, but every part of me rejected the creature before me. I hated him. I wanted to crush him.

“I’m going to kill you.” I could feel what little life in my body was left trying to ignite the wild fire within me. It didn’t matter. It never mattered. The result was always the same.

The figure swiped his free hand across my body, and I watched my mangled carcass fall, twisting and convulsing. All that was left was my head being held up by my own hair, dangling like a shrunken head.

The figure cracked his neck loudly. I could tell he was laughing as his shoulders shook gently. I had no energy left to resist, or even to put on a face of scorn. I merely closed my eyes. What did it matter at that point? I already knew I was about to wake up.

That’s what I thought, but something changed. I heard the flutter of wings, small, but gentle. I tried to open my eyes, but they were so heavy. I forced myself though, sensing that I had to witness this new moment. My vision was blurry, but I fought to gain focus. That’s when I saw it.

A dove?

It blended in the white world so spectacularly that I thought I was seeing things at first. Yet, there it was. So pure, and white, like fresh silk. I followed it with my jittery eyes trying to get every moment of this odd anomaly. What little joy I felt from this creature quickly died though as the dove landed on the dark figure before me.

What? I don’t understand . . .

I saw the sinister grin of the figure grow, revealing razor teeth within. He was laughing again, as the dove calmly rested on his shoulder.

I moved to speak, but the figure tugged on my hair quickly and grabbed my face with his large, open palm. He began to squeeze as his laughter grew louder.

I peered through the gaps in his hand and just watched the dove perched on his shoulder. I wanted to know more about this small creatures. Something called to me, telling me to seek it. Why did I feel so strongly about the bird?

“You really are a total failure.”

My eyes shot open. The figure spoke. The figure never spoke.

“How long will it take for you to remember this time?”

His words gave rise to waves of fury within me, but in that fury, I realized what the bird meant. It was my very purpose, my mission. How could I have forgotten?

“I will save her. You can’t stop me.”

The figure’s grin grew as his razor smile cracked and laughed.

I didn’t get a chance to speak further. Red light blinded my vision as it cracked away like glass. In one final motion, the figure crushed my head like a watermelon. I always found this part odd. I was dead. I had no body to speak of. Everything turned black as I felt this odd sense of falling infinitely. Normally, I would just embrace the dark world I was stuck in and wait for the light to split the world open. This time though, I felt something entirely new.

Anticipation.

This is my story. A tale of death and rebirth, a cycle of failure in the pursuit of one goal. One girl’s dream and mission to find the one she held most dear to her, no matter what the cost.

So, a word of caution. Turn back now if you were hoping for a pure, and innocent heroine. She doesn’t exist here. You have been warned.

My name you ask? You’ll know soon enough.

So, shall we begin the struggle? Last chance. Any further, and it’s all over.

No? Staying? I’ll give you points for courage, but let’s see how long it lasts. After all, you’ve only seen me die once.

 

[JoanDrake]

Why not leave the sentences after "anticipation" go and just begin your story? I've always felt a little uncomfortable with prologues and right at that point you have a hook, a reason for the reader to move on.

OTOH "..you've only seen me die once." is a good line, and it's also very hooky.

Maybe just leave it alone entirely. It could just stand as it is. I dont' see anything wrong that's glaringly obvious, though you might run your cliché meter over the sentences after "anticipation" but that's just me.

 

[Droflet]

Okay, Robert, not too shabby at all. Remembering that less is more, here's a few thoughts.

THE IMMORTALITY PROTOCOL: PROLOGUE

“Oh, this scene again . . .”

A torrent of blinding white surrounded me, misty, and cold. I’ve been here before. Many times. I can no longer recall how many. After all, it always ends the same.

“Ah, here he comes, to kill me again.”

A massive figure appeared before me. Rigid, and defined. His body rippled against the white mist beyond, as he grabbed hold of my arm. Effortlessly the black figure twisted his wrist, and I watched my arm come clean off.

Perhaps: A massive figure appeared, rigid, unyielding. His body rippled against the misty white background. With calm disregard he reached out and with little effort ripped my arm off.

Well, at least I can’t feel pain.

I looked at the gapping socket where my arm used to be. Pistons and wires flared everywhere, flailing uselessly like a fish out of water. I could hear the churning gears in my shoulder, trying to find reason behind the malfunction.

He seems to be taking his time this round.

The figure smashed his foot on my leg, breaking it clean off. The force of the impact sent the dismembered leg flying into the white abyss beyond. I tried to see where it flew off to, but got distracted by the unsavory sound of liquid squirting out of tubes, like the bottom of a ketchup bottle.

“Hurry it up will you,” I said sounding bored.

The figure has never spoken, no matter how many times this scene played before me. I’m always powerless, unable to move. Piece by piece, he ripped me apart. Sometimes he would make it quick and go for my head or chest first. I think at one point this terrified me, but now, I’m just numb to the nightmare.

The figure smashed his foot down on my chest, caving it in.

That’s fine, I always felt breast just got in the way, I joked to myself.

The figure grabbed my hair, holding me up like a limp marionette. My long hair of white made it seem like I was being held up by strings as it was tied off in the back. I couldn’t help but chuckle in the cruel irony.

Sparks fired and gears creaked and popped from my chest as he held me suspended in the white void. This part was kind of new. He had never just stood there for so long without at least ripping a piece of me off.

“What are you waiting for, just finish it.”

The blank face of darkness before me then split and revealed a large red grin. Ear to ear, unnatural, and horrifying. His curved eyes of crimson broke through the deep blackness of his face upon his grin fully forming. It looked like something out of a cartoon.

I see. I had almost forgotten his calling card, that sinister sneer of crimson.

Part of me always wondered who this dark figure was that appeared in my mind. A massive black giant with a sick and twisted smile. I could never awake before I saw him. It was infuriating, terrifying, but also, mystifying. The figure made my body go numb with fear, but every part of me rejected the creature before me. I hated him. I wanted to crush him.

“I’m going to kill you.” I could feel what little life in my body was left trying to ignite the wild fire within me. It didn’t matter. It never mattered. The result was always the same.

The figure swiped his free hand across my body, and I watched my mangled carcass fall, twisting and convulsing. All that was left was my head being held up by my own hair, dangling like a shrunken head.

The figure cracked his neck loudly. I could tell he was laughing as his shoulders shook gently. I had no energy left to resist, or even to put on a face of scorn. I merely closed my eyes. What did it matter at that point? I already knew I was about to wake up.

That’s what I thought, but something changed. I heard the flutter of wings, small, but gentle. I tried to open my eyes, but they were so heavy. I forced myself though, sensing that I had to witness this new moment. My vision was blurry, but I fought to gain focus. That’s when I saw it.

A dove?

It blended in the white world so spectacularly that I thought I was seeing things at first. Yet, there it was. So pure, and white, like fresh silk. I followed it with my jittery eyes trying to get every moment of this odd anomaly. What little joy I felt from this creature quickly died though as the dove landed on the dark figure before me.

What? I don’t understand . . .

I saw the sinister grin of the figure grow, revealing razor teeth within. He was laughing again, as the dove calmly rested on his shoulder.

I moved to speak, but the figure tugged on my hair quickly and grabbed my face with his large, open palm. He began to squeeze as his laughter grew louder.

I peered through the gaps in his hand and just watched the dove perched on his shoulder. I wanted to know more about this small creatures. Something called to me, telling me to seek it. Why did I feel so strongly about the bird?

“You really are a total failure.”

My eyes shot open. The figure spoke. The figure never spoke.

“How long will it take for you to remember this time?”

His words gave rise to waves of fury within me, but in that fury, I realized what the bird meant. It was my very purpose, my mission. How could I have forgotten?

“I will save her. You can’t stop me.”

The figure’s grin grew as his razor smile cracked and laughed.

I didn’t get a chance to speak further. Red light blinded my vision as it cracked away like glass. Ah, what? In one final motion, the figure crushed my head like a watermelon. I always found this part odd. I was dead. I had no body to speak of. Everything turned black as I felt this odd sense of falling infinitely. Normally, I would just embrace the dark world I was stuck in and wait for the light to split the world open. This time though, I felt something entirely new.

Anticipation.

This is my story. A tale of death and rebirth, a cycle of failure in the pursuit of one goal. One girl’s dream and mission to find the one she held most dear to her, no matter what the cost.

So, a word of caution. Turn back now if you were hoping for a pure, and innocent heroine. She doesn’t exist here. You have been warned.

My name you ask? You’ll know soon enough.

So, shall we begin the struggle? Last chance. Any further, and it’s all over.

No? Staying? I’ll give you points for courage, but let’s see how long it lasts. After all, you’ve only seen me die once.


Right, Robert, you might want to look at the thread regarding prologues. They are generally frowned upon. Especially by publishers and agents. This piece could stand alone as the first chapter.
I've marked the cliches Joan mentioned. My suggestion, lose them. They are jolting, somewhat repetitive and unnecessary. This is a tad overwritten but has the foundation of a good opening chapter. Fairly minor points that I'm sure you will address with a tad more practice.
Hmm, there's lots more I could say but for the moment I''ll leave it there. Feel free to take any comments aboard or ignore them all together. Good luck with the rest of the story. Oh, and welcome back to Chrons.

 

[Wanderlog]

Robert,

This is my impression after reading the text. The character doesn't feel pain and can move even if his limbs are torn away. So this is another novel about battle robots or similar mechanical devices, locally or remotely controlled. It's a cruel world with no happiness or serenity but with much physical and mental suffering. Characters will kill each other in many unpleasant ways, and crude force (and maybe stubbornness) is the main quality needed for victory. Is it what your story is about?

In addition, there is a cliche. It you really describe robots, why their controlling devices (the brain, the CPU, whatever) are placed into their heads, one of the most vulnerable parts of the body? To simplify the task of killing them?

 

[Robert E. Parkin]

Robert,

This is my impression after reading the text. The character doesn't feel pain and can move even if his limbs are torn away. So this is another novel about battle robots or similar mechanical devices, locally or remotely controlled. It's a cruel world with no happiness or serenity but with much physical and mental suffering. Characters will kill each other in many unpleasant ways, and crude force (and maybe stubbornness) is the main quality needed for victory. Is it what your story is about?

In addition, there is a cliche. It you really describe robots, why their controlling devices (the brain, the CPU, whatever) are placed into their heads, one of the most vulnerable parts of the body? To simplify the task of killing them?

The character you are introduced to is and will be the only android entity that will appear in the story. She being a robot comes secondary to the overall story upon things progressing. The story isn't about her so much as being an android, but her pursuit to find the one she seeks, and the people and world she gets sucked up in as she follows that mission. She isn't necessary "fragile" but is given the humanoid design as it was what her creator wanted. (Something that will not be revealed for some time). She is supposed to mirror humanity in her appearance, but she isn't very easy to kill. The sequence in the beginning is a "nightmare" where she is unable to fight back. When given the tools to fight, the character in question is a powerhouse to be reckoned with. One of the mysterious behind her design is that she is beyond any level of technology that is known on the planet. (Another detail that will bring forth more elements, and questions as the story progresses).

Again, this isn't about robots killing robots. It's a story about a driven and hardened character seeking the only person she cares about, in the hope of rescuing them from the clutches of a madman. As she experiences more, and meets more people, she will have her eyes open to more than just that mission, and come to see that there is more in her broken world that is worth fighting for.

My world isn't so much a "happy" world as it is a "harsh" world. Most dark places are never nice to start, or ever for that matter. It sets a precedent and shows the readers the kind of atmosphere they are getting into with the story, and that is also carried though the characters of that story.

I don't know if I've answered your question, but ultimately my story is about a stern, rigid character who has her eyes opened little by little with the people she meets, and experiences she has. This will lead her to grow, and care for more than just herself and her mission.

A story of rebirth and death. How many times will she have to die, before she attains what she lost, and what she wants to protect?

 

[Robert E. Parkin]

Right, Robert, you might want to look at the thread regarding prologues. They are generally frowned upon. Especially by publishers and agents. This piece could stand alone as the first chapter.
I've marked the cliches Joan mentioned. My suggestion, lose them. They are jolting, somewhat repetitive and unnecessary. This is a tad overwritten but has the foundation of a good opening chapter. Fairly minor points that I'm sure you will address with a tad more practice.
Hmm, there's lots more I could say but for the moment I''ll leave it there. Feel free to take any comments aboard or ignore them all together. Good luck with the rest of the story. Oh, and welcome back to Chrons.

I will take your thoughts very seriously into consideration. I will also take a look at the thread about Prologues. Wasn't aware they were so negatively frowned upon. Always saw them as a good way to tease and entice readers before moving forward with the story.

In regards to the "Cliches" mentioned. Honestly I was going for a simpler form of descriptiveness that all would grasp and would appeal to a larger audience range. If you feel they have no place in the story period, I will take another look at the piece as a whole to see what doesn't need to be there.

This work is a lot more streamlined than my last work, so my goal this time in this project IS "Less is More" honestly.

Again, I will think very long and hard from your words. Thank you for the feedback.

(Also, can't seem to find the "Prologue thread". By chance you have a link?)

 

[Robert E. Parkin]

Sorry for the triple post. I took some of the things mentioned and applied them. Also, after doing some quick research, I have decided to forgo the Prologue and entitle this first segment "Chapter 1: Red Grin"

Any and all other feedback is greatly appreciated. Thanks for the great incite.

 

[Wanderlog]

The character you are introduced to is and will be the only android entity that will appear in the story

Then you should demonstrate to the reader. The prologue always describes the main concepts the world is based upon and main vectors for the storyline development. However, you concentrate on only a small subset of the features you told about. If I wrote this text, I'd add at least several sentences that describe the world in general.

In addition, I don't like such dark atmosphere of fear and despair. It looks very unnatural to me. No human being can live such life. There are always bright spots in the life - laugh, peace, happiness, friends, lovers, children... Dark feelings are an exception to the common rule. This is in the nature of any biological creature that any permanent feeling, however strong it would be, transforms sooner or later into ordinary one. You simply stop paying attention to it as you rarely pay attention to the murmur of the forest around you.

Any strong feeling (and terror and despair are among strongest ones) must be measured out in very carefully calculated dozes, or else you simply devalue it very quickly and lose reader' attention.

She isn't necessary "fragile" but is given the humanoid design as it was what her creator wanted.

I mean that if you create a human-like cyborg, putting the controlling unit inside the head is a bad cliche. This is the most vulnerable place in the entire body. The most defended place is the torso (the thoracic cage, for example) as it can be heavily armored without affecting the general mobility and agility of the unit. So it's where the CPU must be installed from the purely technical point of view.

 

[Bowler1]

Here and there your sentence structure tripped me up. - He seems to be taking his time this time round.

I suspect editing that hasn’t been completed yet, which I think should be. I never got a feel for the scene. There was never enough setting and description to really put me into the character. The distance and uncaring emotions of the character unfortunately has the same result for me – leaving me feeling distant and uncaring. It was what you aimed for, but lacks punch and hook. I want excitement and drama, or character insight, something more than bored disinterest. So I question the premise of your prologue, a nice idea but presented wrongly for me.

Some great lines in there that shone through, you do have a flare for words. But I strongly suspect this section has not been polished/edited with a hard critical eye. Does this line add value? Does this section push my plot forward? You… and you alone are your first reader, so you should push yourself more. I feel you need to get closer to your character, more emotion, more direct experience, less showing and telling, while being a lot more concise. I also felt it was over written and you stomped size nines all over your own good work.

Overall, not that bad in the end and the snappy lines show you have what it takes in my view. Keep at it, but be tougher and more critical on yourself to go up a few more gears.

 

[Robert E. Parkin]

Here and there your sentence structure tripped me up. - He seems to be taking his time this time round.

I suspect editing that hasn’t been completed yet, which I think should be. I never got a feel for the scene. There was never enough setting and description to really put me into the character. The distance and uncaring emotions of the character unfortunately has the same result for me – leaving me feeling distant and uncaring. It was what you aimed for, but lacks punch and hook. I want excitement and drama, or character insight, something more than bored disinterest. So I question the premise of your prologue, a nice idea but presented wrongly for me.

Some great lines in there that shone through, you do have a flare for words. But I strongly suspect this section has not been polished/edited with a hard critical eye. Does this line add value? Does this section push my plot forward? You… and you alone are your first reader, so you should push yourself more. I feel you need to get closer to your character, more emotion, more direct experience, less showing and telling, while being a lot more concise. I also felt it was over written and you stomped size nines all over your own good work.

Overall, not that bad in the end and the snappy lines show you have what it takes in my view. Keep at it, but be tougher and more critical on yourself to go up a few more gears.

People time and time again tell me that they aren't given enough information and feeling to jump on board with characters I introduce in the first thousand words of my story. I don't devalue those people's view points, but my goal in the beginning of all my works is to capture the reader's attention. I want you to be asking yourself, "Why is this person having this nightmare?" "Who is this figure with the red grin?" and most importantly, "Who is this girl being torn apart?". I'm always told "Less is More" and try very hard to give only what is needed, but then people turn around and tell me not enough is given? Forgive me if I'm confused in what is the proper design requirement here is.

Now, you say you feel the distant, uncaring emotions of the character are off putting for you, and don't allow you to care for the character. Then by that logic, you would want the character to be the exact opposite. That's a problem as that is not who the character is. There are pieces of the character that can't be shown in their personality with just the first couple thousand words. She ISNT a kind, caring individual and showing any intense emotion or insecurity would go against everything she is supposed to represent. You the reader don't know how many times she has experienced this scene, but it could be in the thousands, hence why she is bored and removed, but allowing herself to be consumed by any other emotion but anger goes against her core concept and design. You can't expect to get all the answers in the beginning. The beginning is to set intrigue and allure to what is to come. Now of course, if you don't care for the character's design, or how they are written because you can't get invested based on their attitude and responses to the given scenario presented, then that isn't based on a critical writing view, that's based on your personal taste. You could argue of course that you as a reader don't like the character's personality and there for don't want to know about them. Sure, that's very true, but that's your opinion. Their are hundreds of characters that are written in stories of successful published work that vary all over the place, but yet they still generate appeal and readers find those characters interested to read about. There are plenty who think otherwise of course.

Simply put, in a critique, saying that you can't feel anything for a character in how they act is just an opinion of yours, and not an objective assessment of the work as a whole. To change how the character feels and appears, means to change the entirety of the character, thus shifting the very framework of the story to come. I'm not saying your thoughts are unwanted, but all I see when it comes to issues regarding my character's appeal you have mentioned, there is nothing objective about your points outside of you simply not liking the character's design personally. Rewriting her would be the same as scrapping the whole story, because how she interacts with her surroundings and those she meets defines the story, and how people interact with her. She's a hardened, and stern character who cares little for others, and only cares about the person she seeks, and herself to start. If that type of attitude isn't something you necessary like in a character, that is irrelevant to the critique. Offering however to add to this personality and create a more sensational response from a larger range of readers would be more accurate in the critical thinking process. Instead of changing the way the character is, offering to enhance what is already there is the best way to help a writer grow and learn from their mistakes, and thus propel them forward to create a better piece that both parties can be happy with.

You also say that the work is "over written". This has been said by a couple already, but time and time again, I'm given this critique and given no direction to how to fix that. I fail to see where I "over wrote" the scene. Every line and dialogue is used to generate questions and propel the reader into intrigue, yearning to know more about what is happening before them. If what has been presented isn't "streamlined" enough, then I need more direction to see what everyone means then.

I hope you don't think of my as arrogant, or attacking you personally, I just feel that certain comments provided don't give me a clear understanding of what people are trying to tell me. I'm never going to learn if people just keeping saying vague things like, "It's overwritten" "It needs work" etc, etc. I came here and posted this piece because I respect this community and feel that there are a decent amount of knowledgeable, and experienced writers who like to help other writers along in their works. I however can't progress and refine my writing and style if people just keep giving me the same responses, while not backing those ideas up with actual suggestions, and possible revision points.

Sorry for the wall of text. I guess I'm not in the best mood today. Sorry if any offense has been made.

 

[Droflet]

No offense taken. Robert, we've all been where you currently are. The struggles, the uncertainty etc. Just take it at your own pace, and remember that you are getting advice from fellow amateurs. So, feel free to accept or reject advice as the mood takes you. Baby steps, Robert.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Given your response to Bowler's thoughtful crit above, I hesitated to feed back. But anyhow, here you are. (Etiquette is to thank the critter even if you disagree, for taking the time to look at it. Of course it's his personal assessment of the prologue only. That's all he's had to look at. Also, etiquette suggests if you ask for crits from a critique group, you go and critique a few others' as well since they, too, need the help.) still, I'll do a bit of this - I don't have time to do it all, and I don't think you'd like it if I did - and try to explain the overwriting/tightening feedback you're getting.

(Ps Telford's on the money about prologues.)

THE IMMORTALITY PROTOCOL: PROLOGUE



“Ah, here he comes, to kill me again.” Some feeling? This is what Bowler is picking up - without something to engage us with the character we're at sea and not drawn in. Boredom is not a draw - if your character finds what is happening boring, why should we be interested? Something, even, like a wistful hint that the first time it had mattered?

A massive figure appeared before me. Rigid, and defined. His body rippled against the white mist beyond, as he grabbed hold of my arm. Effortlessly the black figure twisted his wrist, and I watched my arm come clean off.

And here is an eg of the overwriting.

Massive - told not shown. It's meaningless. It lacks impact because it's told.
How did his body ripple? How did it feel when he grabbed her arm? What does effortlessly look like/ feel like - it's another telling decice.
I watched - veil/filter word which removes us from the action. Maybe this is deliberate but it further reduces any impact.

To do it more showing would be along the lines of:

He appeared through the mist and towered over me. Rigid, defined, body solid. He grabbed my arm and, with a light twist of the wrist, it came off.



“Hurry it up will you,” I said sounding bored. Sounding bored could be dropped, your dialogue clearly shows this. This is another eg of overwriting - telling us what is already shown. Your reader isn't stupid, don't be afraid to let them make the jump.

The figure has never spoken, no matter how many times this scene played before me. Cliche - also, it's happening to her, even though she's detached, right? I’m always powerless, unable to move. Piece by piece, he ripped me apart. Tenses are shifting Sometimes he would make it quick and go for my head or chest first. I think at one point this terrified me, but now, I’m just numb to the nightmare. Okay, this is all telling. Show it in her reaction. Like I said earlier, a little nod back to once being terrified. Maybe preferring it to the numbness? Make us care about her. Show us she's lost something.

The figure smashed his foot down on my chest, caving it in.

That’s fine, I always felt breast just got in the way, I joked to myself.

The figure grabbed my hair, holding me up like a limp marionette. My long hair of white made it seem like I was being held up by strings as it was tied off in the back. I couldn’t help but chuckle in the cruel irony.

Sparks fired and gears creaked and popped from my chest as he held me suspended in the white void. This part was kind of new. He had never just stood there for so long without at least ripping a piece of me off.

“What are you waiting for, just finish it.”

The blank face of darkness before me then split and revealed a large red grin. Ear to ear, unnatural, and horrifying. His curved eyes of crimson broke through the deep blackness of his face upon his grin fully forming. It looked like something out of a cartoon.

I see. I had almost forgotten his calling card, that sinister sneer of crimson. None of this engages me because she's telling me nothing new. I get he's monstrous, I get he's breaking her apart. Here it feels like shock for shock value. Here, I'd put it down - nothing to buy me into the character, nothing but a bleak world with nothing original suggested, no conflict given, no reason to care. And now we're into a back story that's told that I don't want to read because I don't care. And here's where I ended the crit.




My advice, based on this excerpt, is that it could be shown in half the words (overwritten, if you like ie repeats itself, tells instead of shows) and be intriguing, but in such a ling drawn out scene becomes gratuitous and loses any impact it might have had. I think it needs more character experience, and I've given you some pointers as to where it might fit in. In short, I agree with the other critters. Concensus is a good thing, even if you don't agree with it (in which case, question why you posted for crit? To be told it was good, or to get genuine feedback?)

 

[Brian G Turner]

sounding bored

That’s fine, I always felt breast just got in the way, I joked to myself.

Remember, whatever feelings your POV character is feeling are what you are trying to instil into the reader. And boredom, on page 1, is absolutely the worst emotion to try and make your reader feel.

You have what could be a gripping an intense opening - heck this line says that it should be exciting:

I’m always powerless, unable to move.

What does it feel like to be so helpless? Make your POV character feel that, make the reader feel that, and you have an instant hook.

But you repeatedly drum into the reader that this is boring, not really of any interest. You kill any potential tension with detached quips hat effectively tell the reader that this scene isn't that important, pay no attention, the story hasn't started yet. When of course, it has.

The fact that the vision changes would then be intense surprise, a show of hope - especially after any tension you established before hand.

But as it is, you are playing safe, and IMO it makes your narrative flat and weak. I know it's hard to write emotionally intense scenes, but that's what you need to grab a reader's attention. Here you are killing off any advantage to hook a reader as you can.

And at the end, you withdraw entirely:

This is my story. A tale of death and rebirth, a cycle of failure in the pursuit of one goal. One girl’s dream and mission to find the one she held most dear to her, no matter what the cost.

So, a word of caution. Turn back now if you were hoping for a pure, and innocent heroine. She doesn’t exist here. You have been warned.

My name you ask? You’ll know soon enough.

So, shall we begin the struggle? Last chance. Any further, and it’s all over.

No? Staying? I’ll give you points for courage, but let’s see how long it lasts. After all, you’ve only seen me die once.

We are no longer within a POV character, but instead you have broken the third wall, with the character speaking directly to the reader - less like we should expect in a novel, but instead more like we should expect in a TV episode or film.

You have a lot here that should be good and your command of language is certainly competent. This should be gripping! But IMO you show a lack of confidence in engaging the reader - by not daring to provide an emotional experience in the first section, you attempt to compensate for it with a voice over to assure the reader that, while your POV character was bored before, don't worry, things will become better later in the book.

Remember that you're writing a novel. The written word is not a visual medium - you need to play to the reader's emotions. You're almost there with the opening I think - you just need to dare to dig into your emotions, and use that to engage the reader, instead of trying to avoid them.

Overall, a good try, but try to work to the strengths of the written word, rather than against them.

 

[Toby Frost]

Ok, here's what I think with regard to the issue of engaging with the story. The first sentence is:

“Oh, this scene again...

This line implies that the character is at best unmoved by what's going on, and at worst completely uninterested. As the first line of a novel, it's setting the reader, consciously or not, to feel the same thing. It's effectively saying: "My character is bored by the world around her. You are now seeing my world through the perspective of someone who finds it boring. Why shouldn't you be bored too?". I realise that you're subtly posing questions about what's going on, but none of them is gripping enough to counterbalance the concept of being bored. They're intellectual questions, in a way, and they don't counterbalance the prevailing emotion of disinterest and boredom. The question of "Why is there no jeopardy here, despite the circumstances?" isn't enough to outweigh the fact that there actually isn't any jeopardy, any sense of anything being at stake.

The heroine is passive. This isn't the same as her being unemotional, cold, removed, etc. The Terminator is all of those things, but extremely active. He's dynamic. The narrator here isn't dynamic; there's no sense of her being worked up about anything, of even trying to take control. Which in turn raises the question of why we should follow someone who doesn't even care about being taken to pieces. Yes, it will be explained later. But that's later. We need to be engaging the reader right now, from the start. If we are seeing the world through her eyes - which we are - it is far more involving for her to be moving: effectively giving us a tour of her settings and how she interacts with them. A story needs to hit the ground running, and this feels as if it's standing still and deliberately saying that it doesn't care that it's standing still.

I hope this all makes sense. I don't mean to rubbish what you've written, because the writing isn't bad at all. I just think that tactically this isn't the most punchy way to start. I don't want to see the character changed, but I'd prefer to see what she's doing changed.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Just read your reply to Bowler, and I can see you want to use a cool and detached character. But IMO when you're being defensive you're looking at it the wrong way.

Everyone has hopes and fears, and if your character has the ability to feel emotions such a boredom and humour, then they can feel anguish and fear. IF the opening experience is intended to feel as real to the reader, then it needs to feel as real to the character.

What you have at the moment may as well be "POV character sat and watched something on a screen, eating popcorn." That's what we're trying to explain to you - it's about the effect the detachment has on us as readers.

To change how the character feels and appears, means to change the entirety of the character, thus shifting the very framework of the story to come.

If your character is incapable of feeling fear, hope, anguish, joy, then this character is not going to be one that readers can easily identify or follow through a story. And if they are capable of feeling any of these things, put them in this sequence.

However, it may simply be the case that you don't need this prologue anyway - you're aiming for high-impact, but it's arguably not working on a technical level. There is also the argument that this is currently little more than a dream sequence, that only exists to serve as an introduction to your character, and is therefore not needed, because the next (or later chapter) will do that fine for us.

Either way, sit and think about this - digest the feedback - it is *always* hard to take criticism, especially at first - it can get much easier later on. But you've asked for impressions on your opening, and at the moment the consensus is that it doesn't work for us. You can argue that this is all only opinion, but at some point it could be worth stepping back and instead thinking "how could I make this better, so that people might react the most favourably to it."

2c.

 

[Bowler1]

Its never easy to take feedback because its always personal - its your writing and your hopes and goals are being picked apart. I'm well aware of this, but I still try and be honest in giving feedback. I don't mind you coming back with more questions, not at all.

Your finding your writing voice and trial and error will be your greatest tool and frustration. Being more concise is easy to achieve, writing tricks you'll pick up on the way too, of all that I have no doubt. What your not doing right now is giving us feelings, putting yourself in the characters place and presenting the world through your characters eyes (or not enough yet in my view). To succeed in this, you will have to bear your soul more and dig deep into your emotional responses and share these with us, your readers. This is not easy to do, but makes great writing in my view. Do this, and I'll forgive over writing. I won't care about writing errors/differences/style - why - because you'll have pulled me in close and personal, where great writing takes you. How do you get there? By graft, by sharing, by listening to feedback and struggling on. I understand your frustration all too well, but there is no short cut that I know of. Try again and see how it goes. And again and again. Eventually the feedback changes to positive comments and you'll settle into a style that will be all yours. Writing will feel more natural, but you'll always struggle with words and scenes, but such is life. I hope this helps, but more than likely I've added to your frustration, but that's ok, if writing was easy it would also be boring.

 

[LittleStar]

Hi, I'll just weigh in with a quick comment. I do agree with the lack of emotion, or rather boredom being the emotion your going for, and I also see your reasons for doing it.
I'm sure there is a way to write an emotionless character and still have them be engaging and someone o root for, but I don't know how, or where to start searching for examples, (actually off the top of my head, my partner recently read 'The Rosie Project' a rom com with the main character essentially being Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory, very rational and lacking 'emotion' but I haven't read it so couldn't comment further).

The point I'm here to make is that this is a dream sequence, none of this has actually happened to your character, as far as I'm aware, and so it's not a huge leap of faith from a robot dreaming, to a robot dreaming that she can feel pain and fear, even if it is the hundredth time having this nightmare. I've had a hundred spiders dangle infront of my eyes unexpectedly and I still get scared by it. But if this were the case, her having these emotions might be a nice extra layer or deepening character arc for the rest of the story, that she learns how to feel and interact with the world. That for me would be quite a nice journey to be a part of.

Just a thought.

 

[Void]

Hi, you've already had some great advice from the more experienced members of the board, but I found myself reading through your piece a couple of times and thought that comments from fresh eyes might too be welcomed.
Please do remember that these are just my own (rather second rate) opinions and you should feel very free to totally disregard them at will!

“Oh, this scene again . . .”

You open with a deictic statement. From here, as a reader, I’m expecting some kind of description of the ‘this’ you are referring to, but the paragraph that follows doesn’t provide clarity as to what ‘this’ setting is.

A torrent of blinding white

‘torrent’ and ‘blinding’ used so close together hinders the pace a little for me here, especially when I know (having already read this through once) that this should be a tense scene.

surrounded me, misty, and cold. I’ve been here before. Many times. I can no longer recall how many. After all, it always ends the same.

This is a bit repetitive, you’ve been here before, many times, you can’t remember how many times.

“Ah, here he comes, to kill me again.”

Well, if you don’t care that you’re going to die then why should I?

A massive figure appeared before me. Rigid, and defined. His body rippled against the white mist beyond, as he grabbed hold of my arm. Effortlessly the black figure twisted his wrist, and I watched my arm come clean off.


I understand that you’re trying to write an emotionless character, but this moment of horror that you’re describing here falls flat for me because your character is so utterly blasé about the whole thing.


Well, at least I can’t feel pain.

I looked at the gapping socket where my arm used to be. Pistons and wires flared everywhere, flailing uselessly like a fish out of water. I could hear the churning gears in my shoulder, trying to find reason behind the malfunction.
Gaping.

Flared? I feel as though a better word could be used here.

You’re referring to multiple pistons and wires and then comparing them to a singular fish, this might just be me, but to balance the halves of your sentence it feels as though it should be ‘like fish out of water’.

He seems to be taking his time this round.

Feels just a touch clumsy, could you rephrase this?

The figure smashed his foot on my leg, breaking it clean off. The force of the impact sent the dismembered leg flying into the white abyss beyond. I tried to see where it flew off to, but got distracted by the unsavory sound of liquid squirting out of tubes, like the bottom of a ketchup bottle.

It reads a little as though the attacker has removed his foot and is beating your character with it. Suggest making this a touch clearer with words like ‘kick’ or ‘stamp’.

The line about the Ketchup adds humour to your paragraph, I’m not sure that this is quite what you’re going for.

“Hurry it up will you,” I said sounding bored.
‘you?’

Do you need to tell us your character sounds bored, when we’ve already got that from the phrase uttered?


The figure has never spoken, no matter how many times this scene played before me. I’m always powerless, unable to move. Piece by piece, he ripped me apart. Sometimes he would make it quick and go for my head or chest first. I think at one point this terrified me, but now, I’m just numb to the nightmare.

The figure smashed his foot down on my chest, caving it in.

That’s fine, I always felt breasts(?) just got in the way,I joked to myself.
The figure grabbed my hair, holding me up like a limp marionette. My long hair of white made it seem like I was being held up by strings as it was tied off in the back. I couldn’t help but chuckle in the cruel irony.

This paragraph feels as though it exists just to tell us that your character has white hair, rather than to further the scene. Also, I have absolutely no idea what’s ironic about being held up by your hair.

I’m not sure what ‘as it was tied off in the back’ means either (but this could just be me being slow this evening!).


Sparks fired and gears creaked and popped from my chest as he held me suspended in the white void. This part was kind of new. He had never just stood there for so long without at least ripping a piece of me off.

Is she surprised by this new turn in the dream that she thinks she knows so well?

“What are you waiting for? Just finish it.”
The blank face of darkness before me then split and revealed a large red grin.

This is passive.

Ear to ear, unnatural, and horrifying. His curved eyes of crimson broke through the deep blackness of his face upon his grin fully forming. It looked like something out of a cartoon.

I’ve flagged the word cartoon because the rest of paragraph carries a message of fearfearfear, and then we get a humorous description that punctures my little terror balloon and leaves me feeling frustrated as a reader.


I see. I had almost forgotten his calling card, that sinister sneer of crimson.

Isn’t this one of the most terrifying parts, the sneer of the figure that tears you apart? Is it likely that your character could forget such an important detail?

Part of me always wondered who this dark figure was that appeared in my mind. A massive black giant with a sick and twisted smile. I could never awake before I saw him. It was infuriating, terrifying, but also, mystifying. The figure made my body go numb with fear, but every part of me rejected the creature before me. I hated him. I wanted to crush him.

Okay, so now I’m being told that your character is afraid of the figure, but we haven’t seen any of this ‘numb with fear’ up until this point, just boredom.

“I’m going to kill you.” I could feel what little life in my body was left trying to ignite the wild fire within me. It didn’t matter. It never mattered. The result was always the same.

Oh, so it doesn’t matter, she’s not really scared?

The figure swiped his free hand across my body, and I watched my mangled carcass fall, twisting and convulsing. All that was left was my head being held up by my own hair, dangling like a shrunken head.

Where is your character? Up until now I thought that she was experiencing all of these attacks upon her dream-persona, now I feel as though she’s a few feet away watching some representation of her body being dismembered.

The figure cracked his neck loudly. I could tell he was laughing as his shoulders shook gently. I had no energy left to resist, or even to put on a face of scorn. I merely closed my eyes. What did it matter at that point? I already knew I was about to wake up.

That’s what I thought, but something changed. I heard the flutter of wings, small, but gentle. I tried to open my eyes, but they were so heavy. I forced myself though, sensing that I had to witness this new moment. My vision was blurry, but I fought to gain focus. That’s when I saw it.

How does she know this? Is precognition one of her abilities? If not, is she likely to question the sensation of ‘needing’ to see something?

A dove?

It blended in the white world so spectacularly that I thought I was seeing things at first. Yet, there it was. So pure, and white, like fresh silk. I followed it with my jittery eyes trying to get every moment of this odd anomaly. What little joy I felt from this creature quickly died though as the dove landed on the dark figure before me.

What? I don’t understand . . .

I saw the sinister grin of the figure grow, revealing razor teeth within. He was laughing again, as the dove calmly rested on his shoulder.

I moved to speak, but the figure tugged on my hair quickly and grabbed my face with his large, open palm. He began to squeeze as his laughter grew louder.

Why is this movement significant?


I peered through the gaps in his hand and just watched the dove perched on his shoulder. I wanted to know more about this small creatures. Something called to me, telling me to seek it. Why did I feel so strongly about the bird?

“You really are a total failure.”

My eyes shot open. The figure spoke. The figure never spoke.

“How long will it take for you to remember this time?”

His words gave rise to waves of fury within me, but in that fury, I realized what the bird meant. It was my very purpose, my mission. How could I have forgotten?

“I will save her. You can’t stop me.”

I feel as a reader that the transition between not remembering and remembering all of a sudden should be marked with some kind of emotion, even if it’s just the character self-berating for having forgotten in the first place. I know when I forget something, even if it’s minor, remembering it will usually be accompanied with a blue word or two.

The figure’s grin grew as his razor smile cracked and laughed.

I didn’t get a chance to speak further. Red light blinded my vision as it cracked away like glass. In one final motion, the figure crushed my head like a watermelon. I always found this part odd. I was dead. I had no body to speak of. Everything turned black as I felt this odd sense of falling infinitely. Normally, I would just embrace the dark world I was stuck in and wait for the light to split the world open. This time though, I felt something entirely new.

Anticipation.

As has already been suggested, I too would suggest that you end this segment here. If I reached the end of this scene as a reader and found the final few paragraphs, I would probably not read any further.

Overall, however, you have some really nice phraseology and this starts as a compelling story. I'd probably be really excited to read on and find out more after a bit of editing!

 

[Ihe]

There are a couple of punctuation mishaps here and there, nothing serious you'll most likely catch in editing. A few examples:

-A massive figure appeared before me. Rigid, and defined. ---This is hanging, and should be integrated into the previous sentence. Also, no comma is needed between rigid and defined.
-“Hurry it up will you,” I said sounding bored.----This should have a comma after "up", a comma after "said", and a question mark at the end. Careful, that's 3 errors in a very short sentence.
-“What are you waiting for, just finish it.”----Needs question mark as well.

You repeat yourself at times:

-I watched my arm come clean off/(...)his foot on my leg, breaking it clean off.
-You also mention darkness/blackness, whiteness (background, hair, dove), and grins over and over again. At the end of the story, there'd been so much bicromatic descriptions and the villain had grinned and smiled and bared his teeth so much at every turn that it got annoying.
-You also use similes way too much: like a bottle, like a puppet, like a shrunken head (which is very weak, since you mention her head previously in that same sentence), like, like, etc. Try doing them less, also mixing them up with metaphors, which are a stronger element (I've had this same crit jabbed at me not long ago. It makes sense).

There were a bit of tense issues. This is the one that sounded wrong to me, switching between present and past like a see-saw. But don't take my word for it:

The figure has never spoken, no matter how many times this scene played before me. I’m always powerless, unable to move. Piece by piece, he ripped me apart. Sometimes he would make it quick and go for my head or chest first. I think at one point this terrified me, but now, I’m just numb to the nightmare.

There were a few confusing things that could benefit from going over them again:

I could feel what little life in my body was left trying to ignite the wild fire within me.

If she has a wild fire in her, there's no need to ignite it, but to keep fuelling it.

his shoulders shook gently

Is there no other word for "gentle shaking"? Shaking implies certain energy behind it, more violence to it.

What little joy I felt from this creature quickly died though as the dove landed on the dark figure before me.

She felt joy for the figure or the dove? Although context points to the dove, the writing should be clearer on this point, as I had to re-read it.

My eyes shot open.

Weren't they already open?

Now, concerning the last part:

This is my story. A tale of death and rebirth (...)

All this last bit was a spiked cliche-club that beats readers painfully and without mercy. The last line (After all, you’ve only seen me die once) was very good though, and you should try to integrate it into a different ending for this first chapter, without that very cheesy 4th-wall break.

What you have at the moment may as well be "POV character sat and watched something on a screen, eating popcorn."

This. You cannot have a whole chapter without the POV char's acting in some way. Even in a dream. So far it was purely descriptive in the most passive way imaginable.
I also agree about the crits about POV distance and the resulting lack of reader immersion.

Just my 2c.

 

[Dan Jones]

Hey Robert,

For me there is definitely some good stuff in here but it's inconsistent. I've read the other responses above, so won't do a line edit and pick out the errors and grammar bombs, but Brian's comments in particular seem incisive. Your character's emotional responses are inconsistent. At first she's bored, then full of gallows humour, then hateful, then resigned. The last three make sense, but the first - boredom - doesn't. If this scene has been replayed ad infinitum in the character's head, then wouldn't it elicit a different response? A sense of madness, perhaps?

Now, I know where you're coming from re: the androids. I've just finished a short story featuring a female android central character, and I agree - you want to give away enough to show that the character is non-human, but without being overt about it. But even so, androids are, presumably in your world, programmed. Even if they change, break programming or whatever (which seems to be the standard android character arc), they would start off their story in their "programmed" state. Which means they'd be nothing if not consistent. And here, I'm not sure she is.

Food for thought, though, and there are some nice flourishes in there.