a slice of writing

[hardsciencefanagain]

and here it is.

I've written some things,up to now mostly in the blog section.
I write for my own entertainment.
I am THE rankest of amateurs.Which makes posting this an act of hubris,methinks.
And,yes,I've made up a fictional language.
And,yes í've written more stuff with Saraseyne.I wouldn't even call it a WIP.
I'm more than willing to explain the formative processes behind my "writing".
BTW :I have to agree with others here:your characters start running away with you.

When Saraseyne came to,it was in a cold stone room with two exits :a high window,and a heavy looking metal door.
Her head pounded,thoughts started trickling trough her mind,coloured spots swam before her eyes;sometimes the room seemed to tilt precariously,which made her nauseated.
The man who observed her as she slowly sat up on the wooden bunk she had been lying on was an odd one.He carried neither knife,nor sword,indeed nothing that to her looked like a weapon.The cut and material of his clothes was unknown to her.
She felt for her own weapons,found none.
Her captor was small,but he looked powerful,with an air of ruthlessness.One thought rose in her mind, before all others: this man would kill her,if he thought it was expedient.There would be efficiency about and purpose to his killing,not much else.He probably didn't even like killing,but one does what one has to do....He didn't wear any kind of disguise,so she would recognize him...... if EVER a future meeting between them would come about.She deduced her life was in grave peril.Now,at this moment,not some vague imponderable time in the future. She trembled.
He slapped her in the face,hard. It was as if someone had raked venomenous plant leaves across her face.Her face stung.
“You,don't pretend to be dazed.”
“Fyrdammid,I AM dazed.”
“So you can talk.How many fingers am I holding up?”
She slowly raised a hand.“Guess how many I am holding up.That's for slapping me.”
“I was told you were a feisty one”,the man remarked.”You may call me Nemeys”.
“I might,but another name came to mind first”.
Suddenly his arms shot out.His left hand shot out to an ear,an earlobe was forcefully pinched between knifesharp fingernails,and two fingers of Nemeys' right hand were put up into her nostrils.He pulled them quickly out again,hard.The pain was excruciating and she fought back tears,almost fainted.

The corners of Nemeys' mouth approached his ears.He bared teeth.The sight was unsettling,in such a countenance.
“So much for witty repartee, pretty one.It's a good thing I'm not given to violence.”
Saraseyne's pain slowly subsided to a more or less tolerable stinging throbbing.
At least she started to think more clearly now.
“Where am I? What have I done to you that you keep me here? ''
(She observed the reflection of the bunk in the metal door.The wooden construction didn't look overly solid.The stones of the wall were roughly cemented together,a lot of them protruded more than half a hand's length from the wall).
His unfeeling stare seemed to penetrate her innermost thoughts.
“Escape is impossible.I'm here to prevent some undesirable things from happening.Girl,do you understand the word technology?”
“Tayknillagei? No.”
“Observe:you think this is hair on my head? Some of it is,some of it isn't.”He pulled a single hair out,gave it to her.Somehow it didn't feel like her own long purple hair.
”This is a filament made of a metal alloy.Knowledge is stored in this filament,a LOT of it.”
(“ Fyllermynt,ellooia??”)
“Your mind has escaped the confines of your skull.” She decided to humour Nemeys.”What kind of knowledge?”
He touched the hair,then looked at her.
“I can cook a Jernmorra meit stew,now.I know the way in your town.I know its history,I can fully name you now,Saraseyne Tandem Repeat 15 Ka .Ij kenna spekke yorra arta Altspaoke, naon .”
“You're lying.” (And how was it possible he had just spoken old Jernmorran as if he had lived there ages ago???)
“The original waterwell in Kobblir's Vehig has run dry,hasn't it? For some time now?Perhaps there's insufficient hydraulic head,perhaps your aquifer has turned into an aquiclude.
Saraseyne was stunned.This was true.Almost nobody in Jernmorra knew this.But he also used a lot of words she didn't understand.
“If you know so much from this hair,why is there a number in my name?”.
He looked at her gravely.
“It more or less signifies that my …..employers created your family somewhere near twenty-thousand of your generations ago.”

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

Ooh, interesting piece! I love the knowledge in the hair, the smatterings of a language that almost sounds familiar, and the humour.

There are issues with your punctuation: the punctuation mark goes immediately after the word, not with a space before it, and there should always be a space after, as in my sentence here. I'm guessing they're just typos, and that you know that even better than I do! Are you writing on a computer/tablet or phone? My phone jumbles all sorts of things for me.

Your phraseology is a little stilted at times (see example below), and I could almost hear a Dutch accent coming through (or did I get that nationality wrong?).

Suddenly I don't like suddenly - suggests your surprise s a bit weak and needs bolstering up. his arms shot out That sounds like quite a big movement, especially when followed by fine motor skills:.His left hand shot out to an ear,an earlobe was forcefully pinched between knifesharp fingernails This would read better as 'He pinched her earlobe forcibly between the knife-sharp fingernails of is left hand' - less words, smoother, easier to read.,and two fingers of Nemeys' right hand were put up into her nostrils 'while he shoved two fingers of his right hand up her nose'.He pulled them quickly out again,hard.The pain was excruciating and she fought back tears,almost fainteding.

There are places where you use too many words to achieve the effect you are trying for. Remember: Less is More!

It needs tidying and tightening up quite a lot, but I love the premise and I hope you continue with this story.

 

[hardsciencefanagain]

*hugs Kerry*
You didn't totally tear me to pieces
Etiology: i wrote this segment to see if i could write something with less description,less adjectives and more(psychological or otherwise)
action.Some of the stiltedness is intentional,believe it or not.I am trying different ,somewhat aberrant styles of writing.
Some of them might work,some not.They might not be to everyone's taste.
I am writing on a computer,and using NO software support whatsoever.
edit:
Some more possible causative mechanisms:I have been reading a lot of fantasy and sf from a while back.Perhaps some of it has unwittingly rubbed off.I don't know if writing has changed much over the past seventy years.
nederlands accent?Hoe kom je erbij?

 

[psychotick]

Hi,

Interesting piece. I think you know that there are spaces missing everywhere so I'll ignore those. Personally my own failure is that for some reason I keep forgetting to hit the "D".


When Saraseyne (my immediate thought is that this is a mouthful as a name. It might be good to have an abbreviation of it used.) came to,it was in a cold stone room with two exits :a high window,and a heavy looking metal door.
Her head pounded,thoughts started trickling trough her mind,coloured spots swam before her eyes;sometimes the room seemed to tilt precariously,which made her nauseated. (Often going for simpler terms is better. Made her feel sick sounds less highbrow.)
The man who observed her (You're introducing this man as if the reader has known from the start that he was there. You might want to start instead with a short sentence - "there was a man observing her.) as she slowly sat up on the wooden bunk she had been lying on was an odd one.He carried neither knife,nor sword,indeed nothing that to her looked like a weapon. (Again go for the simple and short and cut the superfluous words like "to her". ... or anything that looked like a weapon.) The cut and material of his clothes was unknown to her.
She felt for her own weapons, (but?) found none.
Her captor was small,but he looked powerful,with an air of ruthlessness. (I'm trying to picture what ruthlessness looks like - but can't. Perhaps cold and cruel would work better.) One thought rose in her mind, before all others: this man would kill her,if he thought it was expedient.There would be efficiency about and purpose to his killing,not much else.He probably didn't even like killing,but one does what one has to do (One does? Very high brow. My sister uses one all the time. I would just say he would do what he had to.)....He didn't wear any kind of disguise,so she would recognize him (complete the thought - he would kill her if he thought she was a danger to him by exposing him.)...... if EVER a future meeting between them would come about.She deduced her life was in grave peril.Now,at this moment,not some vague imponderable time in the future. She trembled.
He slapped her in the face,hard. It was as if someone had raked venomenous plant leaves across her face. (Too many uses of the word "face in this para. I'd change the middle one to skin.) Her face stung.
“You, (New sentence. End You with an ! Short sharp sentences for action.) don't pretend to be dazed.”
“Fyrdammid, (Again, new sentence and !) I AM dazed.”
“So you can talk.How many fingers am I holding up?”
She slowly raised a hand.“Guess how many I am (I'm - people generally don't use formal english under stressful conditions.) holding up.That's for slapping me.” (Delete "That's for slapping me." He'd know that. Why would she have to explain it. Maybe add an expletive instead.)
“I was told you were a feisty one”,the man remarked.”You may call me Nemeys”.
“I might, (May - keep the sense and rhythm of the previous sentence.) but another name came (comes to mind.) to mind first”.
Suddenly his arms shot out.His left hand shot out to an ear,an earlobe was forcefully pinched between knifesharp fingernails,and two fingers of Nemeys' right hand were put up into her nostrils.He pulled them quickly out again,hard.(Eeoowh! That's gross. Why would he do that? Why didn't he just smash her in the face? That would be quicker and more of an instinctive responce to her gesture.) The pain was excruciating and she fought back tears,almost fainted.

The corners of Nemeys' mouth approached his ears.He bared teeth. (Again I'd go for the simple and straight. He smile cruelly, his teeth bared.) The sight was unsettling,in such a countenance.
“So much for witty repartee, pretty one.It's a good thing I'm not given to violence.”
Saraseyne's pain slowly subsided to a more or less tolerable stinging throbbing.
At least she started to think more clearly now (Delete now.).
“Where am I? What have I done to you that you keep me here? (Again, simple and straight - Why am I here? And she doesn't know that she's being kept there. Only that she is there)''
(She observed the reflection of the bunk in the metal door.The wooden construction didn't look overly solid. (Why does she care about the construction of the cot? Is she chained to it?) The stones of the wall were roughly cemented together,a lot of them protruded more than half a hand's length from the wall). (Connection between the first sentence and the second? Is she suggesting that everything around her is crudely made?)
His unfeeling (cold?) stare seemed to penetrate her innermost thoughts. (soul?)
“Escape is impossible. (Simple and straight - You can't escape.) I'm here to prevent some undesirable things from happening.Girl,do you understand the word technology?” (Ok, need some spelling out here of what he's getting at. His thought processes seem to be jumping from one thing to another.)
“Tayknillagei? No.”
“Observe:you think this is hair on my head? Some of it is,some of it isn't.”He pulled a single hair out,(and) gave it to her.(New paragraph - he was talking then thinking but it's switched to her POV.)Somehow it didn't feel like her own long purple hair.
”This is a filament made of a metal alloy.Knowledge is stored in this filament,a LOT of it.”
(“ Fyllermynt,ellooia??”)
“Your mind has escaped the confines of your skull.” (If I understand this she's telling him he's nuts. He needs to respond to this, after that she can decide to humour him.) She decided to humour Nemeys.”What kind of knowledge?”
He touched the hair,then looked at her.
“I can cook a Jernmorra meit stew,now.I know the way in your town.I know its history,I can fully name you now,Saraseyne Tandem Repeat 15 Ka .Ij kenna spekke yorra arta Altspaoke, naon .”
(OK, this part has lost me. What is he getting at when he says he can cook? Why does she care?)
“You're lying.” (And how was it possible he had just spoken old Jernmorran as if he had lived there ages ago???)
“The original waterwell in Kobblir's Vehig has run dry,hasn't it? For some time now?Perhaps there's insufficient hydraulic head,perhaps your aquifer has turned into an aquiclude. (Again explain what's happening.)
Saraseyne was stunned (Why? Is there some reason he shouldn't know that?).This (That - As I keep telling my editor "this" is almost always wrong.) was true.Almost nobody in Jernmorra knew this.But he also used a lot of words she didn't understand.
“If you know so much from this hair, (Again, why does she think he knows all this from a hair on his own head?) why is there a number in my name?”.
He looked at her gravely.
“It more or less signifies that my …..employers created your family somewhere near twenty-thousand of your generations ago.”


Overall as I say it is interesting. But I think you're trying to write too formally. Dialogue especially is almost never formal. And there are gaps in knowledge / logic. Some things need fleshing out with an explanation even if you are as you say trying something different.

I hope that helps,

Cheers, Greg.

 

[hardsciencefanagain]

Thumbs up for an immensely useful review,Greg.Thanks for your time and insight.
And thanks for calling it "interesting".
I noticed I have a tendency to let the reader fill in the gaps.
But what I've done here is possibly the equivalent of delivering a piece of Ikea furniture without the assembly manual

 

[J Riff]

When Saraseyne came to, (she. Don't make us have to think any more than neccessary) she was in a cold stone room with two exits: (a colon is for a list generally... is two objects a list? Look it up. ) a high window,and a heavy-looking (look it up. Hyphenated phrases are annoying, I have to look them up often) metal door. (maybe just heavy would do)
Her head pounded, thoughts started trickling through her mind, coloured spots swam before her eyes, (sometimes) and the room seemed to tilt precariously which made her nauseated. (nauseous)
The man who observed her as she slowly sat up on the wooden bunk she had been lying on was an odd one. He carried neither knife nor sword,indeed nothing that (to her) looked like a weapon to her.The cut and material of his clothes was unknown.

Not bad. Dig into sentence structure and everything else gets easier.

 

[hardsciencefanagain]

Thanks J Riff.
All this input is pretty helpful.
BTW i didn't call this a "slice" for nothing.I haven't got a clue(yet) where i want to go with this.
Thesw pieces change WHILE i'm writing them
Blimey,in my head it started out as fantasy,would you believe it?
BUT: does it leave a taste for more? Or does that thought make you groan and say,give us a break ,Ben

 

[J Riff]

Not at all. It just needs upfixing to become a good something-or-other, story-thing. *

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

No, keep it going! It reads as fantasy, so keep the ideas flowing and see where it takes you.

 

[psychotick]

Hi,

Likewise, no. Carry on. You should see what my books look like when they come back from my editor. Sometimes I think she writes more than I do - and she has a viper's tongue!

Cheers, Greg.