cgsmith
Well-Known Member
Hi,
It's my first time requesting a critique. I am not new to writing in so far that I have always be creating characters and stories and pictures and such. It's just that now I would like to not suck at doing it and I would like to do it on a grander scale, novels maybe.
Below are 1297 words that make up the first part of the first chapter of my second attempt at a novel. I have been working on not waffling so much, I am one of those writers who very easily writes everything, BiBo writing I believe its called, and wind up writing a lot of stuff but not very much actually happens.
I also just read the rules and this:
9) While you are free to request that potential critiquers address those areas that are of particular concern to you - style, pace, technical issues, etc. - be prepared to receive criticism in other areas as well. Fresh eyes may pick up on problems you yourself may have missed through familiarity, and may also reflect on the issues you wish to see addressed.
This made me realize that I don't really know what I should be concerned about the most. So however deeply you want to critique this, if at all, I would love to know what I need to work on the most.
Thank you.
.....
His shouts were lost in the snow. He turned, to look back along the cord that connected him to his sister. She had been reduced to nothing more than a smudge in a flurry of snow. “It’s a road.” He stamped his feet, it felt good to be walking on something solid after ploughing through so many deep drifts.
“Wait for me,” the cries of a panicking ten year old girl were only just audible over the sound of the wind. She was watching what her feet were doing and not where she was going so she tramped right into her brother. Jake steadied her but she shrugged him off.
“Look,” he figured she hadn’t heard, “road.”
Jenna peered at her feet, and shifted about as if to test out the new surface. She looked up expectantly.
Jake looked at the yellow line, barely discernible in the exposed patch of frosty tarmac. At one time the road would have went somewhere, maybe some quaint little hometown, bustling with people all going about their business, greeting each other in the morning, knowing each other's name. The idea of it hung in Jake’s head for a moment, just for a second until he realized that he’d never seen such a place - the little town he was thinking off was pieced together from worn magazines and old books - and the image of it melted away.
“Come here,” Jake pulled on the cord that connected the two and looked her over to make sure that she was still covered up properly. She was wearing a mishmash of patched and worn out clothes all held together under a faded yellow windbreaker, all things that had been scavenged. He turned her around making sure that nothing had come undone.
“I’m fine, God!” she shouted stamping her feet, “Let’s just go.”
“I have to double check, we can go over it all again from the beginning if you like? We’ll stand here all day if we have to.” He waited for her to respond, she just folded her arms stiffly. Jake knew from her mood that she was running out of steam, he didn’t need to look past the goggles and rags.
“Not long now, alright.”
If the worst came to worst then they could pitch the tent at their feet, but a better spot would make their night more comfortable.
They pressed on into the wind for a few more minutes, the temperature was slowly dropping along with the sun and the cold was beginning to seep through his clothing. Jake felt the ground change underfoot, a patch of flat ground, and the snow wasn’t so deep, it was a nice place to pitch a tent. The wind eased off a little too. Maybe, Jake thought, it was a just natural lull in the wind, or maybe there was some unseen obstruction ahead providing shelter. It didn’t matter, he shrugged off his rucksack and reeled in his sister.
“Ok, here we go, quick.” were all the words that needed to be spoken between the two who had erected their tent nearly a hundred times that year.
Each had their jobs to do. Jake laid out the tent under his feet conscious that if he let it blow away they would surely die. Jenna dealt with anything that wouldn’t be blown away if she dropped it, which to her credit she didn’t do, even though her hands were probably getting numb.
They were inside their little tent within ten minutes, Jake zipping up after him. The first thing he did was take out a wind up lantern and wind it for a minute, then hung it from a small loop in the ceiling.
“Right, check list.”
“Oh, god, I just want to sleep.”
“Jenna, we don’t want anything to get lost, it’s important, you know this.”
Jenna took a deep breath and expelled it very slowly, “ok.”
“Don’t grit your teeth.”
Jake knew that she needed sleep but procedure was important, especially when they were tired, and so far from somewhere safe, He went over his mental list out loud and they diligently located each item.
“Ok, feet, hands.”
Jenna yawned and reached for her sleeping bag.
“Feet, hands.” Jake said more firmly.
Jenna glowered at her brother then stuck out her hands. Jake removed her gloves and looked over her hands.
“Right, feet.”
“Jake, I’m fine.”
“Feet.”
He checked her feet in the same fashion, they were freezing.
“You have to tell me when you feet get cold like this Jenna. You can’t get frostbite out here.”
Jenna looked at him with a forlorn expression and said nothing.
“Damn it,” Jake unzipped his jacket and slipped each of her freezing feet under his arms, and shuddered. Jenna looked grateful but said nothing.
“I just... It’s just important, alright. Don’t roll your eyes, what do you think we are going to do if your toes start falling off?”
“I don’t know, do I.”
“Oh, come on, you won’t be laughing if your feet turn black will you? They turn black and start to smell and then they fall apart bit by bit,” the smirk melted away, “If you’re lucky you will starve or freeze to death before the gangrene kills you.”
Jake reached into the middle and most insulated part of his rucksack and pulled out a thermos that he had filled with boiling water in the morning. It should still be hot enough to make warm tea. When he looked up again he was met by Jenna’s watery eyes. She shrunk back into her clothing.
“Listen, we are careful, aren’t we? I’m not going to let anything like that happen, you just have to listen to me, that’s all. I know it’s hard work sometimes but we are doing alright.”
Jake poured out some of the barely steaming water into two cups and added some tea leaves. He looked at Jenna, still retreating into herself like a frightened turtle.
“I want to go home.”
“We can’t go home, you know that. Here, drink.”
“No.”
“Drink, Jenna. We have been walking for hours, you need to drink.” He held out the cup to her, “come on, please, just drink, it’ll warm you up. Look I’ll even put a little sugar into it.”
Jake unzipped a compartment within his rucksack and took out a screwed up piece of paper that was once a half kilo bag of sugar. There was maybe a tablespoon or two left, he poured a little into Jenna’s cup and stirred it with his finger. Thankfully she accepted it, leaving Jake to wonder if it wasn’t some ingenious ploy all along to get a sweet tea.
“It wasn’t good there, you know that, Lynn wasn’t good.”
They sat and drank their tea in near silence. Jake watched as Jenna slowly began to drift off, lifting the cup out of her hands before she spilled it. He gulped down the last of her cup, unwilling to waste the sugar, and helped her into her sleeping bag making sure that she was zipped up properly.
He touched her nose, it was cold, and her eyes opened momentarily.
“I love you.” Jake said and tried to smile warmly.
He climbed into his own bag and turned out the light. It was utterly dark but the sound of the wind and driving snow painted a picture of a powerful blizzard blowing just outside the fabric of the tent. He felt his eyes closing slowly even though he tried to keep them open, then he became unaware if they were open or closed, and then he became unaware whether or not he was even conscious. Finally, in a blink, the pitch black was gone and it was morning, and everything was calm.
...
It's my first time requesting a critique. I am not new to writing in so far that I have always be creating characters and stories and pictures and such. It's just that now I would like to not suck at doing it and I would like to do it on a grander scale, novels maybe.
Below are 1297 words that make up the first part of the first chapter of my second attempt at a novel. I have been working on not waffling so much, I am one of those writers who very easily writes everything, BiBo writing I believe its called, and wind up writing a lot of stuff but not very much actually happens.
I also just read the rules and this:
9) While you are free to request that potential critiquers address those areas that are of particular concern to you - style, pace, technical issues, etc. - be prepared to receive criticism in other areas as well. Fresh eyes may pick up on problems you yourself may have missed through familiarity, and may also reflect on the issues you wish to see addressed.
This made me realize that I don't really know what I should be concerned about the most. So however deeply you want to critique this, if at all, I would love to know what I need to work on the most.
Thank you.
.....
His shouts were lost in the snow. He turned, to look back along the cord that connected him to his sister. She had been reduced to nothing more than a smudge in a flurry of snow. “It’s a road.” He stamped his feet, it felt good to be walking on something solid after ploughing through so many deep drifts.
“Wait for me,” the cries of a panicking ten year old girl were only just audible over the sound of the wind. She was watching what her feet were doing and not where she was going so she tramped right into her brother. Jake steadied her but she shrugged him off.
“Look,” he figured she hadn’t heard, “road.”
Jenna peered at her feet, and shifted about as if to test out the new surface. She looked up expectantly.
Jake looked at the yellow line, barely discernible in the exposed patch of frosty tarmac. At one time the road would have went somewhere, maybe some quaint little hometown, bustling with people all going about their business, greeting each other in the morning, knowing each other's name. The idea of it hung in Jake’s head for a moment, just for a second until he realized that he’d never seen such a place - the little town he was thinking off was pieced together from worn magazines and old books - and the image of it melted away.
“Come here,” Jake pulled on the cord that connected the two and looked her over to make sure that she was still covered up properly. She was wearing a mishmash of patched and worn out clothes all held together under a faded yellow windbreaker, all things that had been scavenged. He turned her around making sure that nothing had come undone.
“I’m fine, God!” she shouted stamping her feet, “Let’s just go.”
“I have to double check, we can go over it all again from the beginning if you like? We’ll stand here all day if we have to.” He waited for her to respond, she just folded her arms stiffly. Jake knew from her mood that she was running out of steam, he didn’t need to look past the goggles and rags.
“Not long now, alright.”
If the worst came to worst then they could pitch the tent at their feet, but a better spot would make their night more comfortable.
They pressed on into the wind for a few more minutes, the temperature was slowly dropping along with the sun and the cold was beginning to seep through his clothing. Jake felt the ground change underfoot, a patch of flat ground, and the snow wasn’t so deep, it was a nice place to pitch a tent. The wind eased off a little too. Maybe, Jake thought, it was a just natural lull in the wind, or maybe there was some unseen obstruction ahead providing shelter. It didn’t matter, he shrugged off his rucksack and reeled in his sister.
“Ok, here we go, quick.” were all the words that needed to be spoken between the two who had erected their tent nearly a hundred times that year.
Each had their jobs to do. Jake laid out the tent under his feet conscious that if he let it blow away they would surely die. Jenna dealt with anything that wouldn’t be blown away if she dropped it, which to her credit she didn’t do, even though her hands were probably getting numb.
They were inside their little tent within ten minutes, Jake zipping up after him. The first thing he did was take out a wind up lantern and wind it for a minute, then hung it from a small loop in the ceiling.
“Right, check list.”
“Oh, god, I just want to sleep.”
“Jenna, we don’t want anything to get lost, it’s important, you know this.”
Jenna took a deep breath and expelled it very slowly, “ok.”
“Don’t grit your teeth.”
Jake knew that she needed sleep but procedure was important, especially when they were tired, and so far from somewhere safe, He went over his mental list out loud and they diligently located each item.
“Ok, feet, hands.”
Jenna yawned and reached for her sleeping bag.
“Feet, hands.” Jake said more firmly.
Jenna glowered at her brother then stuck out her hands. Jake removed her gloves and looked over her hands.
“Right, feet.”
“Jake, I’m fine.”
“Feet.”
He checked her feet in the same fashion, they were freezing.
“You have to tell me when you feet get cold like this Jenna. You can’t get frostbite out here.”
Jenna looked at him with a forlorn expression and said nothing.
“Damn it,” Jake unzipped his jacket and slipped each of her freezing feet under his arms, and shuddered. Jenna looked grateful but said nothing.
“I just... It’s just important, alright. Don’t roll your eyes, what do you think we are going to do if your toes start falling off?”
“I don’t know, do I.”
“Oh, come on, you won’t be laughing if your feet turn black will you? They turn black and start to smell and then they fall apart bit by bit,” the smirk melted away, “If you’re lucky you will starve or freeze to death before the gangrene kills you.”
Jake reached into the middle and most insulated part of his rucksack and pulled out a thermos that he had filled with boiling water in the morning. It should still be hot enough to make warm tea. When he looked up again he was met by Jenna’s watery eyes. She shrunk back into her clothing.
“Listen, we are careful, aren’t we? I’m not going to let anything like that happen, you just have to listen to me, that’s all. I know it’s hard work sometimes but we are doing alright.”
Jake poured out some of the barely steaming water into two cups and added some tea leaves. He looked at Jenna, still retreating into herself like a frightened turtle.
“I want to go home.”
“We can’t go home, you know that. Here, drink.”
“No.”
“Drink, Jenna. We have been walking for hours, you need to drink.” He held out the cup to her, “come on, please, just drink, it’ll warm you up. Look I’ll even put a little sugar into it.”
Jake unzipped a compartment within his rucksack and took out a screwed up piece of paper that was once a half kilo bag of sugar. There was maybe a tablespoon or two left, he poured a little into Jenna’s cup and stirred it with his finger. Thankfully she accepted it, leaving Jake to wonder if it wasn’t some ingenious ploy all along to get a sweet tea.
“It wasn’t good there, you know that, Lynn wasn’t good.”
They sat and drank their tea in near silence. Jake watched as Jenna slowly began to drift off, lifting the cup out of her hands before she spilled it. He gulped down the last of her cup, unwilling to waste the sugar, and helped her into her sleeping bag making sure that she was zipped up properly.
He touched her nose, it was cold, and her eyes opened momentarily.
“I love you.” Jake said and tried to smile warmly.
He climbed into his own bag and turned out the light. It was utterly dark but the sound of the wind and driving snow painted a picture of a powerful blizzard blowing just outside the fabric of the tent. He felt his eyes closing slowly even though he tried to keep them open, then he became unaware if they were open or closed, and then he became unaware whether or not he was even conscious. Finally, in a blink, the pitch black was gone and it was morning, and everything was calm.
...
