Beneath The Bones of Terra - Beginning Into 295 words

[Vaz]

Here ye little fishies, I've hooked a new one for ye, have a bite on this!


Hope you guys like it. All comments/Recommendations are welcome

Vaz





Beneath The Bones Of Terra

By

Elliott Vazilius



Dead Doorway


The stream of amber flowed down the vault walls, a river of light sent from the sirens. Their call followed, both deadly and alluring.

Murphy was the bait, hunkered down against the entrance. An urge to shield her ears from the shrieking was stifled by the sight of the last failed escape. Her hand flushed against the face of someone fleshless and she stiffened. The crest of a skull broke through the earth, a crater in the top from where the organ had been plucked. Inside the dark dome Murphy saw the wilted stem of a sole wildflower, its crown of petals limp and dead.

The code could not be broken. It was too late. At the other end of the corridor the bunker door started to hammer and she snatched the snaking wires from the cobwebbed control panel. With a whimper, Murphy pushed it shut. From across her back she took the shotgun out of its leather holster and fed her two remaining shells into the chamber. Tearing a strip from her vest she wrapped it around the stock for better grip and held it at her side. A flick of her wrist activated the ‘Clench’ device, webs of green lasers weaved down the corridor, scanning it entirely. Red dots glowed to life on the slit of a screen and Murphy crept forward, towards the groaning door. She pricked her ears and halted a few feet away, gasping for breath against her quickening heartbeat. A pearl of sweat sneaked between her lips, the salty taste of it sat on her dry tongue. For a brief moment Murphy remembered water. Another dull thud sounded about her feet and Murphy jolted stepping back, her eyes wide and almost obsidian as the pupils drowned out the colour. Four gleaming bolts lay in the dirt. The hinges of the bunker door let out a metallic scream. A hooked talon twisted through its silver skin.

 

[Brian G Turner]

This is a nice piece in general. However, IMO you could make this just a little bit stronger by keeping to Murphy's POV - at the moment there are a couple of sentences that appear to slip into Omniscient. Because of those, the piece loses the strength of intimacy that a Third Person Limited would otherwise give, and keep us in Murphy's shoes - something you seem to suggest you are trying to do by the later sentences.

The description of the skull also seems a little clumsy - when a hand "flushes" I would interpret that to mean it's turning red. Skull's also don't have crests. And I imagine a crater as an impact into a solid body, rather than an actual hole in something.

Aside from that, though, I thought it was pretty good. And although my comments on Limited vs Omnsicient may well be a personal stylistic choice - and I accept that - but I would still suggest experimenting with it to see for yourself.

 

[Phyrebrat]

A nice bit of action but a lot of passivity because of the omni. My recommendation would be to rewrite in very close which'd give us a sense of immediacy, urgency and genuine stakes.

I'm pleased on the title you chose because that was my favourite in your other thread

pH

 

[ratsy]

Vaz, this was pretty good, but i will just reiterate what the other guys said. I remember reading something of yours before and that was the main suggestion I had then too. Get close and stay away from the omni, and it will vastly improve. Good imagery.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Okay, I agree character closeness goes a little bit, although the piece is nice. Some thoughts, if they help.

Here ye little fishies, I've hooked a new one for ye, have a bite on this!


Hope you guys like it. All comments/Recommendations are welcome

Vaz





Beneath The Bones Of Terra

By

Elliott Vazilius



Dead Doorway


The stream of amber flowed down the vault walls, a river of light sent from the sirens. Their call followed, both deadly and alluring.so, instead of telling me this, can you show how it's affecting Murphy? Does it enter her mind, does it raise any feelings in her - longing, fear? Does her skin tingle, does she shiver?

Murphy was the bait, hunkered down drop down - it's the only way to hunker? against the entrance. An urge to shield her ears from the shrieking was stifled by the sight of the last failed escape. Again, can you show what this is? And how does she feel about it? Her hand flushed against the face of someone fleshless and she stiffened. The crest of a skull broke through the earth, a crater in the top from where the organ had been plucked. Inside the dark dome Murphy saw the wilted stem of a sole wildflower, its crown of petals limp and dead.and this made her feel what?

The code could not be broken. It was too late. At the other end of the corridor the bunker door started to hammer and she snatched the snaking wires from the cobwebbed control panel. With a whimper, nice Murphy pushed it shut. From across her back she took the shotgun out of its leather holster and fed her two remaining shells into the chamber. Tearing a strip from her vest she wrapped it around the stock for better grip and held it at her side. How's she feeling? What is she thinking? Is she scare, or grim? Any last thoughts? You don't need a lot, but a little would make her more real to us. A flick of her wrist activated the ‘Clench’ device, webs of green lasers weaved down the corridor, scanning it entirely. Red dots glowed to life on the slit of a screen and Murphy crept forward, towards the groaning door. She pricked her ears and halted a few feet away, gasping for breath against her quickening heartbeat. A pearl of sweat sneaked between her lips, the salty taste of it sat on her dry tongue. Here, ironically, I think you have too many bodily reactions - for them to be more effective, I'd like to know more of why she's having them and what she's thinking. For a brief moment Murphy remembered water. Another dull thud sounded about her feet and Murphy jolted stepping back, her eyes wide and almost obsidian as the pupils drowned out the colour. Here, you step out of point of view - she can't see her own eyes. I used to do it all the time. Four gleaming bolts lay in the dirt. The hinges of the bunker door let out a metallic scream. A hooked talon twisted through its silver skin.

Nice end. Anyhow, hope it helps - they're mostly tweaks.

 

[tinkerdan]

I liked this but not quite loved it.
There is quite a bit of description in the last paragraph and yet I kept getting lost. (This could just be me.)
Yet with all the description I felt steps were left out or maybe referential pieces.
I'll try to explain.

The code could not be broken. It was too late.

Not exactly sure what it was too late means here. You could clean this up with The code was unbreakable and time was running out.- still not sure if that's what too late means here.

At the other end of the corridor the bunker door started to hammer and she snatched the snaking wires from the cobwebbed control panel. With a whimper, Murphy pushed it shut.

Had trouble visualizing some of this despite the good description. Is this a wall panel floor panel ceiling panel terminal panel. She snatched the wires and pushed it shut. (on the wires? or she ripped the wires out and is holding the wires-or did she stuff the wires before shutting.)

From across her back she took the shotgun out of its leather holster and fed her two remaining shells into the chamber. Tearing a strip from her vest she wrapped it around the stock for better grip and held it at her side.

The vest-does it have tear-able strips or is it ragged and she's ripping the vest for a strip of material. For all that I know it could be some special bullet proof vest with velcro tear strips that she can pluck at ease.

A flick of her wrist activated the ‘Clench’ device, webs of green lasers weaved down the corridor, scanning it entirely. Red dots glowed to life on the slit of a screen and Murphy crept forward, towards the groaning door. She pricked her ears and halted a few feet away, gasping for breath against her quickening heartbeat.

First now she creeps to the groaning door-going back to my earlier mention I thought she was at the door. But also here she pricks her ears. I might have missed something but it seems there is so much noise going on that for the door to groan it would have to be very loud groan to hear and pricking her ears up probably won't help her hear anything.

A pearl of sweat sneaked between her lips, the salty taste of it sat on her dry tongue. For a brief moment Murphy remembered water. Another dull thud sounded about her feet and Murphy jolted stepping back, her eyes wide and almost obsidian as the pupils drowned out the colour. Four gleaming bolts lay in the dirt. The hinges of the bunker door let out a metallic scream. A hooked talon twisted through its silver skin.

Might need more context to understand the water reference.
There's a lot of great description here; but as you can see I'm easily confused and the lack of some connective areas here with perhaps missing context leaves me slightly confused and my feeble mind has the character in opposite places.

I'm pretty sure by the time I reach the hooked talon that it is supposed to be telling me something important that I Missed.

I understand that you don't want to fill it with much more description because that could take the reader into information overload but perhaps if you look at the other advice you might take the up close and personal involvement of your character to fill in the missing information while adding that bit character immersion that some people like.

 

[Droflet]

Great start, Vas. As the others have said, beware of omni. It's very tricky. Whatever you decide, get closer to Murphy. Calling her she now and again isn't a bad thing either. An intriguing piece. Look forward to seeing more, down the track.

 

[Vaz]

Thanks everybody for your Crits and suggestions

I will take into acoount the character closeness and try to re-write this in limited third as it seems it would be a better POV to stick closer to Murphy rather than pulling back into omni

I will also work on adding some more information to link the descriptive pieces... Reading back I can see how the reader may get slightly lost and confused, I don't want that!.

Thanks for pointing these out, You have all been a great help! Cheers guys for taking the time to Critique and reply

Vaz

 

[Saharren]

The piece has a good sense of urgency to it. However, I had a hard time understanding what the last failed attempt was, since you say the sight of it, but then talk about the skull that her hand brushes across afterward. I'm assuming that's the last failed attempt, but she seemed to find it with her hand before seeing it. Unless the control panel was part of the failed attempt, which would make the line about the code make a bit more sense to me.

The mention of her being hunkered near the entrance, but then she began walking toward the bunker door confused my image of the setting, but I'm guessing that the entrance was what she was trying to open with that control panel, while the bunker door had been the only thing keeping her safe.

I'm interested to see where this story leads, so you did a good job with getting the initial hook.

 

[Vaz]

Thanks Saharren for your comments, Yes re-reading it I can see the confusion and I'm looking to tidy that up

Glad the story hooked you, I hope to share more soon

 

[Bowler1]

I found there to be a lack of clarity for me. Where she was, what she was seeing etc. (closer to the character would have helped). The opening line demonstrated the lack of clarity for me, as it didn't make any sense, or for me it didn't anyway. Vaults, what vaults as I have no character placement. Amber stream - what is this, is it wee or bear? A river of light??? Sirens are what, but in this time it did raise the right questions. The next line was very good. A good opening line is key, but a contrived opening line is a put off. Where the line between the two are is a mystery, but this time it didn't do it for me.

The code could not be broken - says who and why?

There was too much left unexplained for me and because of this my picture of the scene didn't fit together. I personally felt you could have taken your time and done this in a much larger section, building up slowly with fear and tension.

On the plus side however the purple writing showed promise and flare all through the section.

 

[Vaz]

Thanks for your feedback Bowler

I've worked on this opening, getting closer to the character as you mentioned and clearing up the obviously confusing pieces

cheers - Vaz

 

[Dan Jones]

Hi Vaz,

I'd have to go along with what everyone else has said: the lack of closeness in this instance is rather distancing, unless you are in fact going for Omni.
The scene is pretty good though, and the only problems seem to be technical ones at present.

However, there are also some nice flourishes, and you slip into close(ish) at one point, which is arguably the most nicely-written part of the piece:

She pricked her ears and halted a few feet away, gasping for breath against her quickening heartbeat. A pearl of sweat sneaked between her lips, the salty taste of it sat on her dry tongue. For a brief moment Murphy remembered water.

Keep on chuggin'

 

[Vaz]

Hey DG

Thanks for your feedback on the piece

I do tend to write Omni naturally, which is a problem, I am working on writing in close third better.

Thanks again and I shall keep on chuggin'

 

[Dan Jones]

I do tend to write Omni naturally, which is a problem,

Its not a problem as such, it's just mostly on-trend to write in close.

 

[yorelm]

I agree about omni itself not being too much of a problem, it's doing it well and still remain engaging where the 'trouble' begins. I'll read close or omni if the story pulls me in.

 

[tinkerdan]

Omni can work well but you have to decide whether you are in subjective or objective mode and you need to be consistent.
Not to mention that you have to guard against head hopping.

Here's a few good pointers::
http://www.scribophile.com/academy/using-third-person-omniscient-pov

 

[Vaz]

Cheers Tinkerdan, I'll check that out

 

[wmason]

I too found that scribophile post about using Third-person omniscient both interesting and informative.

It makes me realize that I mostly tend to just 'do what feels right' instead of stepping back and trying to see the story as the reader would see it. That website is definitely worth a bookmark, thank you.

William

 

[wmason]

I was taken in almost immediately, but I did get torn out of the story a few times along the way.

Beneath The Bones Of Terra

By

Elliott Vazilius



Dead Doorway


The stream of amber flowed down the vault walls, a river of light sent from the sirens. Their call followed, both deadly and alluring.

Murphy was the bait, hunkered down against the entrance. An urge to shield her ears from the siren's shrieking wail was stifled by the sight of the last failed escape. Why would the sight of anything stifle the urge to shield her ears from the shrieking of the sirens? Her hand brushed against a pile of flesh-less bones and she stiffened. The top of a skull lay in the earth beneath her. Near the crown was a gaping hole where the brains had been removed. Inside the dark dome Murphy saw the wilted stem of a solitary wildflower, its crown of petals limp and dead.

The code could not be broken. It was too late. At the end of the corridor, the bunker door rang with hammering abuse from the other side. Murphy snatched the snaking wires from the cobwebbed control panel. With a whimper, she pushed the panel shut.

From the "Dead Doorway" title I get the idea that the door isn't going to open from that panel, but I'm confused as to why she was snatching the snaking wires from the control panel. Since the code could not be broken, and time had obviously run out, what did she want those wires for? Was she trying to remove the wires to disable the panel? I don't understand their significance.

Reaching across her shoulder she pulled the shotgun out of its leather holster, and fed her two remaining shells into the chamber. Tearing a strip from her vest she wrapped it around the stock for better grip and held it at her side. A flick of her wrist activated the ‘Clench’ device, webs of green laser light wove a pattern down the corridor, scanning every nook and cranny. Red dots glowed to life on the slit of a screen on a readout attached to her wrist as part of the 'Clench' device? What did those red dots signify and why do we care? and Murphy crept forward, towards the groaning door. She pricked her ears and halted a few feet away, panting against her quickening heartbeat. As mentioned, I wondered why she was pricking up her ears now after the siren's wail and the noises coming from the bunker door. What is she trying to hear amidst all that background noise? A pearl of sweat slipped between her lips, and left a salty taste on her dry tongue. For a brief moment Murphy remembered water.

The hinges made a popping sound. Murphy jumped back, startled, as four gleaming bolts landed at her feet. Her eyes grew wide and almost black as the pupils dilated until her irises nearly disappeared. The hinges of the bunker door let out a metallic scream as they were twisted out of shape. A hooked talon twisted around the edge of the silver-skinned bunker door.

Whatever it is behind that bunker door, I don't think two rounds from a shotgun are going to be able to stop it. *gulp*

William