Thumar, opening for chapter one

[Tim Murray]

In a previous thread, I mentioned my "relatively" peaceful opening. After reading the threads, I reworked it. Derak is in a work mode to open the book. The "cliché" opening of waking up did not work. Here it is, 638 words.



Command and Control



Derak took a drink of coffee as he looked over the morning reports on his e-pad, what I wouldn’t give for Martian grown java and real pork. He thought to himself as he consumed his usual breakfast of 3 eggs over easy, 4 strips of synth-bacon and 2 hot buttered pieces of toast with locally grown java. The blank wall in front of him telepathically featured a six by four-foot window.

The view seemed less spectacular than usual to him today. Five years, this job is going to bore me to death before I reach six months. Naval Base Commander, I’d rather be on a black-ops mission now. He stifled a yawn as his view returned to a lush sun-dappled landscape looking out over endless fields of Thresh, a plant resembling Earth’s wheat crops. The three-foot tall grasses were gently swaying in the wind. In the distance, miles away, tree covered foothills rose from the plains with the two Thumarian moons setting. The bigger moon, Shemar, named after the Goddess of fertility and the smaller moon after their sky God, Tumere. Both were glowing gold in the sunrise, when a single contrail split the horizon crossing in front of them, leaving a white streak bisecting their gold luminescence.

In the middle of a bite, his fork stopped in mid-air, his gaze filled with concern. He looked down at his e-pad again, a red alert signal flashed, he read the full report twice.

“Terga?” he asked his private artificial intelligence computer. “When did this come in?”

Derak built Terga fifteen years ago. Communication is transmitted through thoughts received by a surgically implanted organic transmitter/receiver in his brain, similar to telepathic abilities. Thoughts are heard in the form of words and sentences and transmitted back and forth instantaneously. It is a very efficient way to communicate. If privacy is needed, the connection can be temporarily cut.

“2:15 am; the matter requires your immediate attention,” she replied in her melodious voice.

“Who are the CO and XO?”

“The Captain is, Bob Arnold, and the Executive Officer is, Jack Morgan.”

“Are they alright? The damage reports look bad, whole sections of multiple decks are missing, including the hydro-bay.”

“There’s a meeting this morning at Command and Control to go over the incident. Commander Morgan is in command of “The Armstrong.” Captain Arnold is recovering in the hospital.” Terga’s pleasant voice echoed in his mind.

Terga is Derak’s assistant of choice. He also has an Alliance Navy secretary who’s kept busy at (CNC) Command and Control. Terga is based on secret thought control technology. She can only be heard by Derak’s mind.

Similar technology also allows control of his physical environment; room temperature, lights, computer screens and openings in solid walls. It’s called Nano-Level Configuration, or Passive Walls. Changes happen at the nano-bot level. All he has to do is picture what he wants in his mind and it’s done. With Terga, he controls everything. This is accomplished by re-arranging the molecular structure of the walls.

Music and incoming messages come through ocular implants that only Derak can hear. Their memory capacity allows for infinite music storage and total recall of any recorded information.

“Derak, CNC will be followed by a meeting with the Thumarian Ambassador and then you have an inspection of the space docks.” Terga reminded him.

“Who is he and where are we meeting?”

“You’re going to meet “her” in your office.”

“Her? What’s her name?” He inquired with interest.

“Shesain Andehar, the niece of the current Thumarian President.”

“If only you could program yourself to clean-up, you have the auto-kitchen down.”

“I’m your assistant, Derak, not your maid.”

Derak kept his thoughts to himself as he cleaned up his breakfast. Fifteen minutes later, he entered CNC and was greeted by the usual hum of activity.

 

[Hex]

So a couple of thoughts before I go and do some of my own editing (which is what I should be doing...). Ahem.

@Toby Frost has a bit of advice that I really like, which is that it's a good plan to start with a character *doing* something. It doesn't have to be them flinging themselves from a burning spaceship or robbing a bank, but it's good if they're active.

Your scene with Derak here gets going when he gets the message. Before that, he's having breakfast and he's bored. Conventional wisdom suggests that it's tricky to write a bored character without risking boring the reader, and I think you could probably get his boredom over much faster.

Also, the details about the scene and the moons/ the kind of thing he has for breakfast will be valuable touches of context later, but here, they're stopping the story getting going.

This piece slips in and out of present tense, also. You should probably pick one and stick to it! Some of the present tense bits read a little like notes you've written to yourself -- e.g. "Terga is Derak’s assistant of choice. He also has an Alliance Navy secretary who’s kept busy at (CNC) Command and Control. Terga is based on secret thought control technology. She can only be heard by Derak’s mind."

It might be worth considering how you could show that information, rather than telling it so baldly to the reader.

and a tiny ps: the dialogue punctuation stuff works with "he thought" as well. So:

Derak took a drink of coffee as he looked over the morning reports on his e-pad[full stop after e-pad]. What I wouldn’t give for Martian grown java and real pork[,] he thought to himself as he consumed his usual breakfast of 3 eggs over easy, 4 strips of synth-bacon and 2 hot buttered pieces of toast with locally grown java.

 

[TitaniumTi]

I'll second Hex's advice.

I have some other quibbles.

the matter requires your immediate attention

Nothing else supports this: the news arrived at 2.15 am but he is not alerted until breakfast time; he does not need to act on the information until a later meeting; his attention is drawn immediately to other items on his schedule, and he follows this with a joke.

The combination of Navy Base command, black ops mission, AI design and nano-engineering suggests a Mary-Sue character to me. I often find it more interesting when a protagonist can't do things that he needs to do.

I loved the imagery of the contrail against the golden moons; IMO this would be a more "hooky" opening.

 

[Tim Murray]

I'll second Hex's advice.

I have some other quibbles.
Nothing else supports this: the news arrived at 2.15 am but he is not alerted until breakfast time; he does not need to act on the information until a later meeting; his attention is drawn immediately to other items on his schedule, and he follows this with a joke.

The combination of Navy Base command, black ops mission, AI design and nano-engineering suggests a Mary-Sue character to me. I often find it more interesting when a protagonist can't do things that he needs to do.

I loved the imagery of the contrail against the golden moons; IMO this would be a more "hooky" opening.

The main character is a direct descendant of a mid to late Earth 20th century super soldier genetics program, unknown to him at the time. He's not a Mary-sue character. The challenge will be to play down his abilities, whilst keeping him human and believable. his DNA is rare and affects his physical and mental abilities. He is and has been capable of extraordinary acts in the past. This is what bothers him, at times, why is he so different? That will be another challenge!

 

[TitaniumTi]

The challenge will be to play down his abilities, whilst keeping him human and believable.

I think you'll need to introduce his abilities carefully. If you introduce too many abilities, too early, then other potential purchasers will put the book (or sample) down because they think, as I did, that he is a Mary-Sue character. If you introduce each ability as it is needed, then that will seem like deus ex machina. Perhaps you can introduce at least some of those abilities in the context of their disadvantages.

A point to consider: one of the arguments against genetic engineering is that modifications that adapt an organism for one environment are maladaptive in a different environment. So, how does your super-soldier cope in a democratic, non-combat context?

 

[Tim Murray]

I think you'll need to introduce his abilities carefully. If you introduce too many abilities, too early, then other potential purchasers will put the book (or sample) down because they think, as I did, that he is a Mary-Sue character. If you introduce each ability as it is needed, then that will seem like deus ex machina. Perhaps you can introduce at least some of those abilities in the context of their disadvantages.

A point to consider: one of the arguments against genetic engineering is that modifications that adapt an organism for one environment are maladaptive in a different environment. So, how does your super-soldier cope in a democratic, non-combat context?

I agree! They pop up, and this drives his mental discontent. I need to play up his "why me" questions. Such as when he survives a fight as a black-ops agent his comrades died in, and he didn't. He never feels sorry for himself, but constantly questions why he is the way he is. I bring this up later in the book, but I feel that the idea needs to be explored and fleshed out more. As to the disadvantages of his abilities in peace time, I never thought of that to a large degree, great point!

PS: That's the first time I heard about the "Mary-Sue" character. Is there a specific reference?

 

[LittleStar]

I will throw another vote out for everything Hex said, especially regarding the 'notes written to yourself'. They are interesting concepts, but shown out of context here and often out of the blue. If you could find a way to show us derak shifting the walls to look like whatever he wants, then you'd have a better scene for it.
Similarly, regarding the AI connection, dont be afriad to hold things back. The reader doesnt need to know the specific details about how an telepathic AI works in the first 100 words. I think more people are willing to suspend disbelief in this genre, at least for a while longer. So perhaps writing the scene as if the reader knows exactly what's going on, or he is just having a conversation with another person, and then when it seems natural (not too many pages away) tell us what the Terga is. Thoughh this method can be problematic if not handled correctly as well.

You have some good passages of description here, that might better serve elsewhere in the story, once the narrative has gotten going. The action starts with the receipt of the message, and I felt, like Ti said, that this was downplayed from urgent to comical almost. If you could just switch it around a little it should run a lot better for me.

As for the Mary-Sue. I'm not sure exactly where it comes from, maybe google, or try TvTropes, im sure they'd have an entry on it. But from what I gather it means basically a character who is so perfect that they can't do anything wrong. They are the best sniper elite alien blaster bomb disposal expert, who can also salsa and tango, and cook like Betty Crocker, win F1 races and have several gold medals from the Olympics

 

[TitaniumTi]

Mary-Sue is a term that I've encountered in various forums and books about writing. According to our friend Google, interpretation of the term varies, but LittleStar has pinned down exactly what I meant.

 

[LittleStar]

I should expand a little on my view of the Mary-Sue trope. I personally don't find anything particularly wrong with it, provided there are legitimate reasons for it being the way things are. If you character is an android with super strength, speed and memory computational skills, the it's believable that they will be good at all of these things.

However, the downfall does come when we as readers are less drawn into your action and drama, because we go into it already knowing the outcome, that the goodie will I'll out one of hundreds of super skills that of course they have perfected in their short stint of life before appearing in a YA series. This, kinda mixed with deus ex machina, is what I think of as 'Star Trek Resolutions' or something better than that name, when their shields are down, and they are about to be destroyed, but wait, why didn't we think of reversing the polarity of the nearby pulsar array to discharge the battery drives of the bird of preys warp core? Duh!

Again, not that I find it inherently bad, only that you need to find other ways of generating conflict, stack the odds I favour of the baddies that doesn't touch on the areas of skill and expertise. Star trek has other things going for it, characters, fun 'monster of the week' type stories, that it doenst necesserily matter about their deus ex machina.
I know a lot of people tonight Kvothe from The Name Of the Wind came down on the Mary-Sue side of the fence, but not only was it shown through his insanely good work ethic and dedication, but also the biggest problems for him a lot of the time came down to him being poor.

I think introducing all of his abilities slowly, and carefully woud be the way to go, as Ti suggests. Foreshadowing a lot of them with minor things first, then when it comes to the big actions it won't be so out of the blue that we readers will get distracted. And as you say, maybe try to focus on the why is he different rather than the what makes him different, Downplaying the role of the abilities, at least in the POv's mind. That, for me, is the conflict that is beyond his considerable expertise.

 

[Tim Murray]

I should expand a little on my view of the Mary-Sue trope. I personally don't find anything particularly wrong with it, provided there are legitimate reasons for it being the way things are. If you character is an android with super strength, speed and memory computational skills, the it's believable that they will be good at all of these things.

However, the downfall does come when we as readers are less drawn into your action and drama, because we go into it already knowing the outcome, that the goodie will I'll out one of hundreds of super skills that of course they have perfected in their short stint of life before appearing in a YA series. This, kinda mixed with deus ex machina, is what I think of as 'Star Trek Resolutions' or something better than that name, when their shields are down, and they are about to be destroyed, but wait, why didn't we think of reversing the polarity of the nearby pulsar array to discharge the battery drives of the bird of preys warp core? Duh!

Again, not that I find it inherently bad, only that you need to find other ways of generating conflict, stack the odds I favour of the baddies that doesn't touch on the areas of skill and expertise. Star trek has other things going for it, characters, fun 'monster of the week' type stories, that it doenst necesserily matter about their deus ex machina.
I know a lot of people tonight Kvothe from The Name Of the Wind came down on the Mary-Sue side of the fence, but not only was it shown through his insanely good work ethic and dedication, but also the biggest problems for him a lot of the time came down to him being poor.

I think introducing all of his abilities slowly, and carefully woud be the way to go, as Ti suggests. Foreshadowing a lot of them with minor things first, then when it comes to the big actions it won't be so out of the blue that we readers will get distracted. And as you say, maybe try to focus on the why is he different rather than the what makes him different, Downplaying the role of the abilities, at least in the POv's mind. That, for me, is the conflict that is beyond his considerable expertise.

Thanks, that helps me in the direction I [think] need to go in. I have been rolling this through my mind a lot. At this point in his life, his flaw is how he reacts and sometimes fights against the obvious, the "who, me?" question. It rails against his attempts (mostly successful) to be "human" and considerate of others. He is searching to balance his discoveries of self, and not getting too high minded.