First time asking for critique! (500 words)

[Jackie Bee]

Hello!

This is a part of my current WIP. Writing settings is not my strong suit, and this piece is mostly setting. I'd appreciate your help/advice/feedback!

A bit of a backstory: the character sees military helicopters spreading some gas over his home town. He runs there, but the gas gets to him and he faints. This chapter begins with him waking up.


###


Something hard and sharp was pressing at his side. With his eyes still closed, he turned to his back, and felt around with one hand. It found a bunch of pebbles, mixed with dry dirt. The taste in his mouth was as if he had eaten a three-course meal made primarily of those items. He coughed, rubbed his watering eyes, and tried to sit up.

He was in a shallow gutter by the side of the road. Judging by the long shadows, the time was probably way past afternoon. There were no people, or pets, or even birds anywhere in sight. Nothing moved on the street except for a ragged piece of paper dragged around by a small, dusty tornado.

Shakily, he got to his feet, picked his rifle, and scrambled back onto the road.

It was one of the smaller streets just near the city square. Usually, at this time of day, he could hear music playing there, and the voices of people hanging out after work in a couple of nearby cafes. Right now, he could hear only the soft whispers of the wind.

He walked—dragging his feet at first, then picking up speed. The doors of some of the houses stood open, allowing him fleeting glimpses of their empty, shadowy halls. He noticed that some of the windows had been shattered, splinters of glass sparkling on the pavements underneath. He passed a few smashed flowers pots lying on the ground, the earth and the plants scattered around. The large garbage bin that usually stood at the side of the road now laid overturned.

"Hello? Anyone?"

His voice sounded strange in this thick silence, as if the words fell down like stones. This city had always bordered on looking like a ghost town, but its current state was something new altogether. There were always some people, some noises. Now, everything looked as if the place had been abandoned years ago, and the worst part was that Jack was left behind.

He was running by the time he reached Martha's house. The flowers pots on her windows were in their place, but the door stood wide open, the way she never left it. He stopped by the entrance, catching his breath, trying to gather his thoughts.

Where could everyone had gone? Once the city was under attack, they couldn't have escaped it—going by foot outside the fences was too dangerous, and the town didn't possess enough vehicles to evacuate so many people at once. Those helicopters must have had first put everyone to sleep with their gas, and then had just returned and gathered them, like fallen fruits.

He heard a rustling sound, and turned around.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

Overall this is quite good, with no major problems. Good sensory appeal, good building of suspense.

There are a few minor problems with grammar that could be fixed with a quick rewrite.

The large garbage bin that usually stood at the side of the road now laid overturned.

The "laid" should be "lay."

Everybody has trouble with the various forms of "lay" and "lie," so we should all watch out for this.

Those helicopters must have had first put everyone to sleep with their gas, and then had just returned and gathered them, like fallen fruits.

Remove "had."

There are also a few places where the wording could be a bit stronger. Nothing major.

Something hard and sharp was pressing at his side.

"Pressed" is stronger than "was pressing."

I'm pointing out these few tiny things because there is nothing important to change. All it needs is a final edit.

 

[Jackie Bee]

There are a few minor problems with grammar that could be fixed with a quick rewrite.

Thanks for the corrections! English is not my native language, so I still have problems with grammar every now and then. Glad to hear that you liked it in general!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I'd second the no major problems feedback. One thing that did stand out was how many 'was' you have - it's often passive and is here from time to time. Some might be able to be reworked to become more active, as Victoria picked up on.

And well done on the first crit!

 

[J Riff]

Yeup, just minor things. maybe a few commas where they aren't needed. Good job. *

Something hard and sharp pressed (was pressing (into) his side. With his eyes still closed, he turned (on)to his back, and felt around with one hand. It found a bunch of pebbles, mixed with dry dirt.
He was in a shallow gutter by the side of the road. Judging by the long shadows, the time was probably (way) well past afternoon. There were no people or pets or even birds anywhere in sight. Nothing moved on the street except for a ragged piece of paper dragged around by a small (dust-devil). dusty tornado.
It was) He was on one of the smaller streets (just) near the city square. Usually at this time of day he could hear music playing there, and the voices of people, (hanging out after work) from a couple of nearby cafes. Right now, he could hear only the soft whispers of the wind.

 

[Jackie Bee]

I'd second the no major problems feedback. One thing that did stand out was how many 'was' you have - it's often passive and is here from time to time. Some might be able to be reworked to become more active, as Victoria picked up on.

And well done on the first crit!

Thanks! I agree about the 'was'...sometimes I just can't find what to replace them with, especially in "He was in a shallow gutter by the side of the road", and "It was one of the smaller streets". If you have any ideas how else to put it, I could use some help here

 

[J Riff]

He lay in a shallow gutter..
He found himself on one of the smaller streets

 

[Jackie Bee]

He lay in a shallow gutter..
He found himself on one of the smaller streets

Found himself is good.
But I can't say he lay in the gutter because I said he'd sat up before that (and that's how he's able to see where he is).
And thanks for the dust-devil, I didn't know that's what that thing is called!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Thanks! I agree about the 'was'...sometimes I just can't find what to replace them with, especially in "He was in a shallow gutter by the side of the road", and "It was one of the smaller streets". If you have any ideas how else to put it, I could use some help here

He stepped in, he found himself in...? For the street one, I'd connect it to the preceeding sentence. He scrambled back into the middle of the street, one of the smaller ones near the centre.

But not all of them need to go, just the ones that make it a little passive/where there is a stronger alternative.

 

[J Riff]

Right, a dust-devil or small whirlwind... a Tornado implies something larger I think... Roget's thesaurus never gets old.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I didn't get a sense of him lying down in the opening paragraph - until the end when he sits up. IMO genre fiction needs to be more implicit, with little room for subtlety - especially at the start.

The external observations were nice, but there's little character experience coming through. I mostly got a sense of external events, but little about how disturbing, shocking, or confusing, any of this might be.

The rationale about helicopters felt too neat - you usually can't fit many people in one, so there must have been hardly anyone in this city, or a million helos in the sky. Besides, at this point you're better off developing mystery - encourage the reader to ask important questions, and tease them with clues.

I also didn't get a sense of detail to make this seem real. The character, street, the square, the town, the paper blowing - nothing is named except Martha and no reason is given for that. That makes everything feel generic, and misses the opportunity to use small details to bring a setting to life.

Hope that helps.

 

[Jackie Bee]

Thanks for such a detailed critique

I didn't get a sense of him lying down in the opening paragraph - until the end when he sits up.

I thought that saying that he turned to his back made it clear...I'll think again.

The rationale about helicopters felt too neat - you usually can't fit many people in one, so there must have been hardly anyone in this city, or a million helos in the sky.

That's supposed to be ok, there's a few hundred people in the town and it's big military helicopters meant for transferring troops.

I also didn't get a sense of detail to make this seem real. The character, street, the square, the town, the paper blowing - nothing is named except Martha and no reason is given for that. That makes everything feel generic, and misses the opportunity to use small details to bring a setting to life.

Yeah, thats what I meant when I said settings are not my strong suit. Can't seem to get this details thing right....

 

[Droflet]

A trick I've been using for years. Type was in your find box. Go through the story. If you find more than two was on a page attack them. They are lazy words. You'd be surprised how much better your writing will be if you don't take the easy path. That is a pretty impressive first crit, Jackie. Well done.

 

[Jackie Bee]

A trick I've been using for years. Type was in your find box. Go through the story. If you find more than two was on a page attack them. They are lazy words.

I'll try this, thanks!

 

[TitaniumTi]

I think this is very well written, clear and interesting.

Something hard and sharp was pressing at his side. With his eyes still closed, he turned to his back, and felt around with one hand. It found a bunch of pebbles, mixed with dry dirt. The taste in his mouth was as if he had eaten a three-course meal made primarily of those items. He coughed, rubbed his watering eyes, and tried to sit up.

He was in a shallow gutter by the side of the road. Judging by the long shadows, the time was probably way past afternoon. There were no people, or pets, or even birds anywhere in sight. Nothing moved on the street except for a ragged piece of paper dragged around by a small, dusty tornado.

Shakily, he got to his feet, picked his rifle, and scrambled back onto the road.

It was one of the smaller streets just near the city square. Usually, at this time of day, he could hear music playing there, and the voices of people hanging out after work in a couple of nearby cafes. Right now, he could hear only the soft whispers of the wind.

I don't like the repeated "could hear". You could change it the last sentence to "... he heard only the soft whispers..." Alternatively, you could say, "music played there" and "voices murmured from the nearby cafes", or something similar.

He walked—dragging his feet at first, then picking up speed. The doors of some of the houses stood open, allowing him fleeting glimpses of their empty, shadowy halls. Something is obviously wrong, so how does he feel -- alarmed, puzzled or terrified? He noticed that some of the windows had been shattered, splinters of glass sparkling on the pavements underneath. He passed a few smashed flowers pots lying on the ground, the earth and the plants scattered around. The large garbage bin that usually stood at the side of the road now laid overturned.

"Hello? Anyone?"

His voice sounded strange in this thick silence, as if the words fell down like stones. This city had always bordered on looking like a ghost town, but its current state was something new altogether. There were always some people, some noises. Now, everything looked as if the place had been abandoned years ago, and the worst part was that Jack was left behind.

He was running by the time he reached Martha's house. The flowers pots on her windows were in their place, but the door stood wide open, the way she never left it. He stopped by the entrance, catching his breath, trying to gather his thoughts.

Where was Martha? Where had everyone had gone? Once the city was under attack, they couldn't have escaped it—going by foot outside the fences was too dangerous, and the town didn't possess enough vehicles to evacuate so many people at once. Those helicopters must have had first put everyone to sleep with their gas, and then had just returned and gathered them, like fallen fruits. I like the image of fallen fruits, but it may add more suspense if you end the thought on a question, rather than a possible answer.

He heard a rustling sound, and turned around.

 

[Phyrebrat]

Something hard and sharp was pressing at his side (I'd make it more suggestive, tighter and less passive - Something hard and sharp pressed into his side/ribs/hip/etc). With his eyes still closed, he turned (on) to his back, and felt around with one hand. It (I don't know if I like 'it', but I might. I can't decide!) found a bunch of pebbles, mixed with dry dirt. The taste in his mouth was as if he had eaten a three-course meal made primarily of those items. He coughed, rubbed his watering eyes, and tried to sit up.

He was in a shallow gutter by the side of the road. Judging by the long shadows, the time was probably way past afternoon. There were no people, or pets, or even birds anywhere in sight. Nothing moved on the street except for a ragged piece of paper dragged around by a small, dusty tornado. (any sound or smell?)

Shakily, he got to his feet, picked (+ up, or maybe grabbed instead - if he's scrambling later, it suggests urgency, so grabbed or snatched may be more evocative) his rifle, and scrambled back onto the road.

It (don't like 'it') was one of the smaller streets just near the city square. Usually, at this time of day, he could hear music playing there, and the voices of people hanging out after work in a couple of nearby cafes. Right now, he could hear only the soft whispers of the wind. (I'd shuffle this paragraph to follow the dusty tornado one)

He walked—dragging his feet (at first - delete) (change comma to dash ,) then picking up speed. The doors of some of the houses stood open, allowing him fleeting glimpses of their empty, shadowy halls. (He noticed that - delete) (S)some of the windows had been shattered, splinters of glass sparkling (sparkled - only my preference though ) on the pavements underneath. He passed a few smashed flowers pots (lying on the ground - suggest delete), the earth and the plants scattered around. The large garbage bin that usually stood at the side of the road now laid overturned.

"Hello? Anyone?"

His voice sounded strange in this thick silence (I thought the wind was audible?), as if the words fell down like stones. This city had always (bordered on looking like - resembled?) a ghost town, but its current state was something new altogether. There were always some people, some noises. Now, everything looked as if the place had been abandoned years ago, and the worst part was that Jack was left behind (nice sentence).

He was running by the time he reached Martha's house. The flower(s - delete) pots on her windows were in their place, but the door stood wide open, (the way she never left it - love this). He stopped by the entrance, catching his breath, trying to gather his thoughts.

Where could everyone (had - ? have) gone? Once the city was under attack, they couldn't have escaped it—going by foot outside the fences was too dangerous, and the town didn't possess enough vehicles to evacuate so many people at once. Those helicopters must have had first put everyone to sleep with their gas, and then had just returned and gathered them, like fallen fruits.

He heard a rustling sound, and turned around.

I like it. I like mysteries like this. There are a couple of typos which I'm sure just snuck in. I think as a first draft it's good and you can tighten down on word count in the edit or second draft stage. I think the forum software or your processor is auto-formatting m-dashes from n-dashes though.

If I had to give one piece of advice, it would be to get this feeling:

There were always some people, some noises. Now, everything looked as if the place had been abandoned years ago, and the worst part was that Jack was left behind.

into the rest of the passage.

Nice work.

pH

 

[Jackie Bee]

I like it. I like mysteries like this. There are a couple of typos which I'm sure just snuck in. I think as a first draft it's good and you can tighten down on word count in the edit or second draft stage. I think the forum software or your processor is auto-formatting m-dashes from n-dashes though.

If I had to give one piece of advice, it would be to get this feeling:



into the rest of the passage.

Nice work.

pH

Nice suggestions! Thanks!
As for the m-dash (the longest dash), I used it on purpose. I recently made a bit of research about when to use which dash... am I still getting it wrong?

 

[HareBrain]

As for the m-dash (the longest dash), I used it on purpose. I recently made a bit of research about when to use which dash... am I still getting it wrong?

You can use either for what you've done, but the en-dash should have a space either side, and the em-dash normally doesn't. So you're OK.

 

[tinkerdan]

Unless there is some compelling reason to omit his name you might want to consider naming Jack right away and that way many of the he could be changed to Jack though in this case the number get as annoying as I in first person becomes when it invades every sentence.

On another note: and this could be regional, but around here a gutter is always shallow and never deep enough to have to scramble out of so this might cause some people to wonder how small Jack is. A ditch maybe and definitely a trench.

And yes, we call those dust and debris twisters dust devils.

For more names.
dust devil; "dancing devil"; "sand auger"; "dust whirl"; "willy-willy" ; "whirly-whirly"; djin ("genies" or "devils"); chindi; fasset el 'afreet, or "ghost's wind";"Gerd Baad", or "round wind"

 

[Jackie Bee]

Unless there is some compelling reason to omit his name you might want to consider naming Jack right away and that way many of the he could be changed to Jack though in this case the number get as annoying as I in first person becomes when it invades every sentence.

On another note: and this could be regional, but around here a gutter is always shallow and never deep enough to have to scramble out of so this might cause some people to wonder how small Jack is. A ditch maybe and definitely a trench.

And yes, we call those dust and debris twisters dust devils.

For more names.
dust devil; "dancing devil"; "sand auger"; "dust whirl"; "willy-willy" ; "whirly-whirly"; djin ("genies" or "devils"); chindi; fasset el 'afreet, or "ghost's wind";"Gerd Baad", or "round wind"

Thanks, now I can use dust devils a lot, and with a new name each time
As for calling the character by the name... it's not like I haven't named him-this is not the first chapter, so the reader would know by now who is this 'he'... but I can add more of his name if it improves things...