Thumar opening, take two

[Tim Murray]

I hope it is better, I put much thought on how to balance it out. A note on my grammar, I ran this through Grammarly, it is a useful tool, not perfect.



Command and Control



Derak took a drink of coffee as he looked over the morning reports on his e-pad. What I wouldn’t give for Martian grown java and real pork, ”he thought” to himself as he ate breakfast. He sent a telepathic message to the blank wall in front of him and a six by four-foot window appeared showing the landscape outside of the kitchen.

In the middle of a bite, his fork stopped in mid-air. He grew concerned and looked down at the e-pad again, a red alert signal flashed. He read the full report twice.

He telepathically sent out his thoughts to his private artificial intelligence computer. “Terga, when did this red alert come in?”

Terga, Derak’s assistant of choice, answered. “2:15 am. I didn’t feel it was required to wake you, the space docks handled the emergency.”

“Who are the CO and XO?”

“The Captain is, Bob Arnold, and the Executive Officer is, Jack Morgan.”

“Are they alright? The damage reports look bad, whole sections of multiple decks are missing, including the hydro-bay.”

“There’s a meeting this morning at Command and Control to go over the incident. Commander Morgan is in charge of “The Armstrong.” Captain Arnold is recovering in the hospital.” Terga’s pleasant voice echoed in his mind.

“That could take some time, what do I have after that?”

“The Armstrong” review will be followed by a meeting with the Thumarian Ambassador and then you have an inspection of the space docks,” Terga informed him.

“Who is the Ambassador and where are we meeting?”

“You’re going to meet her in your office.”

“Her? What’s her name?” He inquired with interest.

“Her name is Shesain Andehar, the niece of the current Thumarian President.”

Derak kept his thoughts to himself as he cleaned up breakfast. What kind of new weapon can tear an Alliance Navy Battle Cruiser apart? Fifteen minutes later, he entered CNC and was greeted by the usual hum of activity.

 

[TitaniumTi]

This is much better, I think. You'll probably make more changes during your next edit, so I won't review it in detail, but here are a few comments:

Derak took a drink of coffee as he looked over the morning reports on his e-pad. What I wouldn’t give for Martian grown java and real pork, ”he thought” to himself as he ate breakfast.

You don't need the quotation marks or "to himself".

Your dialogue punctuation is much better. However, both question marks and exclamation marks work like commas when used before speech tags, so:

“Her? What’s her name?” he inquired with interest.

You could build suspense with something like:
“There’s a meeting this morning at Command and Control to go over the incident. Commander Morgan is in charge of “The Armstrong.” Captain Arnold is recovering in the hospital.” Terga’s pleasant voice echoed in his mind.

What kind of new weapon can tear an Alliance Navy Battle Cruiser apart? Derak wondered. He forced himself to focus on the conversation with Terga.

“That could take some time, what do I have after that?”
This might also be an opportunity to introduce some internal conflict, with Derak wanting to take control of the situation, but knowing he should cede control to other people, at least until the meeting.

 

[Tim Murray]

This is much better, I think. You'll probably make more changes during your next edit, so I won't review it in detail, but here are a few comments:
You don't need the quotation marks or "to himself".

Your dialogue punctuation is much better. However, both question marks and exclamation marks work like commas when used before speech tags, so:


You could build suspense with something like:
“There’s a meeting this morning at Command and Control to go over the incident. Commander Morgan is in charge of “The Armstrong.” Captain Arnold is recovering in the hospital.” Terga’s pleasant voice echoed in his mind.

What kind of new weapon can tear an Alliance Navy Battle Cruiser apart? Derak wondered. He forced himself to focus on the conversation with Terga.

“That could take some time, what do I have after that?”
This might also be an opportunity to introduce some internal conflict, with Derak wanting to take control of the situation, but knowing he should cede control to other people, at least until the meeting.

Great Idea, I came close this time. In the back story, Jack Morgan is Derak's best friend from his academy days.

 

[TitaniumTi]

In the back story, Jack Morgan is Derak's best friend from his academy days.

That's not back story; that's something that should be affecting Derak's thoughts and reactions now.

You might also build on the interactions between Derak and Terga. She's an AI rather than merely a computer, so I'd like to see some personality from her, even if it's just a failure to respond in a human fashion.

 

[Tim Murray]

That's not back story; that's something that should be affecting Derak's thoughts and reactions now.

You might also build on the interactions between Derak and Terga. She's an AI rather than merely a computer, so I'd like to see some personality from her, even if it's just a failure to respond in a human fashion.

She's been with him for fifteen years, her relationship has taken on a more personal touch. I would like to see her have a sense of humor. As far as Derak's emotions, he takes on a business as usual attitude during the meeting. Jack communicates from The Armstrong, via a 3d hologram. Military protocol is adhered to. When He visits Jack on the space docks, (the next chapter) the relationship is made evident.IMO

 

[Mr Orange]

Tim, i didn't really look at your last critique but have had a quick glance now and this is definitely better. much tighter. one thing that jars a bit is the introduction of the "telepathic" way of communicating with his AI (and appliances). i think this could be brought in better (and also some delineation between thoughts sent out to things and those kept to himself. see my thoughts(haha) below in red:

Derak took a drink of bad coffee as he looked over the morning reports on his e-pad. What I wouldn’t give for Martian grown java and real pork, he thought to himself as he contemplated his bland synth'ed breakfast.

"Would you like something else?" Terga's sweet voice echoed in Derak's mind. He frowned and rubbed his temples. She was getting better at reading his thoughts. Or maybe he was getting worse at shielding them. Derek broadcast a thought to the blank wall in front of him and a six by four-foot window appeared showing the landscape outside of the kitchen.

Derak stabbed a pale sausage and his fork stopped in mid-air (don't think his fork would be in mid-air in the middle of a bite!). He looked down at the e-pad again, a red alert signal flashed. He read the full report twice.

He broadcast his thoughts to his private artificial intelligence computer. “Terga, when did this red alert come in?”

Terga, Derak’s assistant of choice, answered. “2:15 am. I didn’t feel it was required to wake you, the space docks handled the emergency.”

“Who are the CO and XO?”

“The Captain is, Bob Arnold, and the Executive Officer is, Jack Morgan.”

just my 10c of course and i like the story and ideas a lot

Edit: the quote thingy seems to put everything in italics, but i kept thoughts to himself in italics, thoughts he broadcast in speechmarked italics, like you did - i think it makes it nice and clear

 

[TitaniumTi]

Another minor point:

“The Captain is, Bob Arnold, and the Executive Officer is, Jack Morgan.”

I don't think you need the commas after "is" and I'm not sure that you need the comma after "Arnold". I would write, "The Captain is Bob Arnold and the Executive Officer is Jack Morgan."

If it was a person speaking, rather than the AI, I might write something like, "Bob Arnold was captaining the ship and his Executive Officer was Jack Morgan."

 

[Bowler1]

He sent a telepathic message to the blank wall in front of him and a six by four-foot window appeared showing the landscape outside of the kitchen - or he could have a window? With glass in maybe? Double glazing even???

In the middle of a bite, his fork stopped in mid-air - when examined closely, these two are not linked. The fork could even be floating freely for all I know.

He grew concerned and looked down at the e-pad again, a red alert signal flashed. He read the full report twice. - Why not use his telepathic ability here instead of reading the report?

Our character is clearly worried by events but his computer wasn't. - I'd be worried about the decision making abilities of my computer.

As he cleaned up breakfast - where are your robots??? Ok, these can be optional.

“The Captain is, Bob Arnold, and the Executive Officer is, Jack Morgan.” to “The Captain is Bob Arnold and the Executive Officer is Jack Morgan.” - I honestly don't think there is a pause between names.

Lastly huge sections of the space docks have gone missing and yet the ambassador is off to inspect these docks while key staff are laid up in hospital?

I had a few problems mate, sorry. You need to look carefully at what your presenting and how you present it. A big event has occurred yet your character has breakfast and even stops to clean up. I felt that dialogue (or telepathic communication to be more correct) was used to carry too much information here, or for me at any rate. Emotion was lacking, as in your character was off to yet another day in the office, which it might be, but all the same. Could be tighter in places and less telling (I'm happy to explain if you don't know these terms). All in, I wasn't sure if the event in the docks were relevant or not as your character didn't seem that bothered, and if he wasn't, why should I be? Does that make sense to you?

I have no idea about your last post, but this was good for a new member, so keep at it Tim and don't let picky gits like me get you down.

 

[Tim Murray]

He sent a telepathic message to the blank wall in front of him and a six by four-foot window appeared showing the landscape outside of the kitchen - or he could have a window? With glass in maybe? Double glazing even???

In the middle of a bite, his fork stopped in mid-air - when examined closely, these two are not linked. The fork could even be floating freely for all I know.

He grew concerned and looked down at the e-pad again, a red alert signal flashed. He read the full report twice. - Why not use his telepathic ability here instead of reading the report?

Our character is clearly worried by events but his computer wasn't. - I'd be worried about the decision making abilities of my computer.

As he cleaned up breakfast - where are your robots??? Ok, these can be optional.

“The Captain is, Bob Arnold, and the Executive Officer is, Jack Morgan.” to “The Captain is Bob Arnold and the Executive Officer is Jack Morgan.” - I honestly don't think there is a pause between names.

Lastly huge sections of the space docks have gone missing and yet the ambassador is off to inspect these docks while key staff are laid up in hospital?

I had a few problems mate, sorry. You need to look carefully at what your presenting and how you present it. A big event has occurred yet your character has breakfast and even stops to clean up. I felt that dialogue (or telepathic communication to be more correct) was used to carry too much information here, or for me at any rate. Emotion was lacking, as in your character was off to yet another day in the office, which it might be, but all the same. Could be tighter in places and less telling (I'm happy to explain if you don't know these terms). All in, I wasn't sure if the event in the docks were relevant or not as your character didn't seem that bothered, and if he wasn't, why should I be? Does that make sense to you?

I have no idea about your last post, but this was good for a new member, so keep at it Tim and don't let picky gits like me get you down.

I'm in the process of cleaning up the prose. His AI has no physical form. She is photons moving through the air. Derak and Terga have a fifteen year history before this point. Her seemingly lack of concern is because the space docks handled the emergency at two in the morning. His telepathy is only with his AI and the passive walls, via technology.