Thumar, chapter one, take three

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Tim Murray

Through space, time and dimension
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Well...here we go again.



Captain Arnold nervously drummed his fingers near the console pad on the hand rest of his chair.

“Do you think it’s wise to put a secret listening post this close to Terelian space?” Jack Morgan, his Executive Officer, asked in a concerned tone.

“Intelligence has confirmed their alliance with the Kek’s. They’re bad news; the Voeleron war taught us that. For a race of reptilians, they’re crafty and intelligent.” The Captain dryly replied.

Great! Jack thought to himself, remembering the Voeleron war and the Kek’s suicidal tactics. He and Bob Arnold trusted each other implicitly. In the last month, The Armstrong had been in two other skirmishes with the Terelian’s in neutral space. Terelian’s are predictable to a fault, the Kek's are not and that’s what concerned him the most.

Jack called the Captain aside for a conference. “Bob, you were at Voeleron, what do you think of these developments?

He frowned and shook his head, “I don’t know, Jack. If Kek’s are on board any warship, that changes everything.”

“If that’s true, we had better expect some surprises. We know the Terelian’s capabilities. The latest upgrades on our armor and shields should deal with them. The Kek’s are another matter; their weapons tech is at least equal to ours.”

The Captain cast a long glance at his XO, “so the intelligence reports confirm, what do you propose?”

“We should deploy an Alliance Special Ops unit (ASO’s) to the planet’s surface in a Calvary class cruiser, just in case the Terelian's discovers the new base.”

After a thoughtful pause, the Captain agreed. “Deploy an ASO unit, Commander.”

“Aye, sir, Lieutenant, notify Lt. Commander Phar to report to docking bay four immediately.

“Aye, sir, He’s on his way, they launch in ten minutes.

The bridge crew watched and waited, half expecting a Terelian patrol to show up at any moment. The silence of inaction increased the apprehension.

“Launch confirmed, Commander; they’ll land in twenty minutes.”

All eyes watched the shuttle enter the atmosphere with a long fiery tail giving away their entry.

“Anyone within the two moons orbits can’t miss that.” Ensign Masterson nervously commented. Tensions always ran high on top secret missions.

“That is what concerns me, Ensign. I would have had them enter from the dark side of Eregor if time was not of the essence.” Jack addressed his navigator’s obvious anxiety. “Lieutenant, do we have any reports from the planet surface?”

“No, sir.”

“Raise them, something’s wrong, at least one Terelian patrol should have checked us out by now.”

“Aye, sir,” he waited for confirmation. “Life support is up and the techs are finalizing the computer downloads.”

“Tell them to finish fast; we need to get the engineering crew shuttled up and leave. Are long range scanners picking anything up?”

“No, sir, but the first moon is blocking our signal, they could be hiding on the dark side of the moon.”

“Deploy probes to close that gap,” Jack ordered.

“Probes launched, incoming data in five minutes,” Lt. Johnson reported.

Blue tail flames from four probes shot forward, an eerie silence pervaded the bridge. Jack's eyes were glued to his console.

Minutes later, Jack looked up with a dark scowl. “Captain, the probes have picked up movement from the moon's dark side, they’re headed our way fast. Lt. Sperry, notify the ground crew to stand fast and get those shields up.”

“Aye, sir,” she watched her console for the reply. “Shields are up and they’re taking cover. The ASO’s are changing to a possible intercept course with the incoming bogies.”

Lt. Johnson looked up from his console with dread. “Captain Arnold, five Ging class cruisers approaching from aft at attack speed. They’re taking a reverse pyramid formation, two port and starboard, two top and bottom side and one five thousand yards behind the primary group.”

Captain Arnold moved fast, “red alert, shields up full, take evasive action, let’s move this fight away from Eregor.”

“Aye, sir,” the helmswoman obeyed.

The Armstrong broke orbit and flew towards the second moon at one-quarter impulse. Eregor and the now stranded base fell away from the viewport. The inverted pyramid formation of Ging class light cruisers changed course to follow them. As they passed the planet, the bridge crew saw the rear Ging cruiser break off for Eregor’s surface, only to be met by the ASO’s ship rocketing out of the atmosphere firing her phase cannons onto the bottom side of the enemy ship.

They’re hiding something, I know it. We’ll have to come back with a fleet and scour this quadrant. Jack thought before Captain Arnold asked him a question.

“Commander, are damage control teams prepared and medical bays ready to receive casualties?”

“Aye, sir, the cruisers are moving in fast and they’re not standard Ging class cruisers, Captain, they have Kek insignia on the bow.”

Near the second moon, the Terelian ships caught up with them. Their formation stayed true as they surrounded The Armstrong.

“Their weapons are charged and firing, incoming, incoming, brace yourselves!” Jack warned the bridge crew.

The crew held on to anything solid within reach before the first volley hit. The ship shook violently and the crew rocked with the motion, staying upright. The shields dropped to sixty percent.

A look of sadness and shock filled Lt. Sperry as she looked up from her console. She fought back tears before reporting. “Captain, we lost the entire hydro-bay, including the personnel.”

Flash frozen plants and debris with floating bodies streamed out into space for all to see.

“Captain, they’re using highly modified weapons. Terelian’s do not have the capability for such fire power. This has to be Kek mods, our shields are almost useless.” Commander Morgan reported with alarm.

“Switch all available power to aft shields,” Captain Arnold ordered. “Lt. Johnson, are the targets locked?”

“Aye, sir, locked and loaded.”

“Fire port cannons.”

The phase cannons fired and the Lieutenant tracked the shots on his console. “Direct hit, sir, they’re losing power.”

“Target the weapons and fire.” Jack ordered.

The cannons fired again, the enemy ship rolled to port side and fell back. Debris and bodies shot into space from several large hull breaches. One gone and four remained.

Damn these Terelian’s, if we don’t find a way to defend this, were in big trouble, Jack thought. “What about the ship that broke off, is our base still there?”
 
This is much better. I think you're at the stage where you could move on. You're likely to spot opportunities for further improvement if you look at it again in two or three months.

There is one consistent punctuation error: You write Terelian's and Kek's where you should be saying Terelians and Keks. Only use apostrophe ess ('s) if you are talking about something belonging to Terelians or Keks.
Correct: Terelians do not have the capability for such fire power.
Correct: The Terelian's weapons are not so powerful. (One Terelian)
Correct: The Terelians' weapons are not so powerful. (More than one Terelian)
Correct: Terelian weapons are not so powerful.
Incorrect: Terelian's do not have the capability for such fire power.

Correct: If Keks are on board any warship, that changes everything.
Incorrect: If Kek's are on board any warship, that changes everything.

Note: In a different context, you might use apostrophe ess ('s) when you are abbreviating is; for example, you might write Terelia's forming an alliance with the Keks, instead of Terelia is forming an alliance with the Keks. Alternatively, you might write The Terelians are forming an alliance with the Keks.
 
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Hi
Just a few comments. I hope it helps. :)


Well...here we go again.

Captain Arnold nervously drummed his fingers near the console pad on the hand rest of his chair. Because it starts with the Captain, ‘nervously’ drumming his fingers, I thought it was his pov. So later on, it surprised me to find I was in Jack’s pov.

“Do you think it’s wise to put a secret listening post this close to Terelian space?” Jack Morgan, his Executive Officer, asked in a concerned tone. Consider moving this paragraph to the beginning. But remove ‘Executive Officer’ to keep in Jack’s close pov. That he’s executive Offier could be shown later.

“Intelligence has confirmed their alliance with the Kek’s. They’re bad news; the Voeleron war taught us that. For a race of reptilians, they’re crafty and intelligent.” The Captain dryly replied. Dryly doesn’t fit in my mind with nervously, which the Captain is doing at the beginning. Also, you need a comma not a full stop. ('They're crafty and intelligent," the Captain dryly replied.)

Great! Jack thought to himself, remembering the Voeleron war and the Kek’s suicidal tactics. He and Bob Arnold trusted each other implicitly. You could add in here that he’s the Executive Officer. In the last month, The Armstrong had been in two other skirmishes with the Terelian’s in neutral space. Terelian’s are predictable to a fault, the Kek's are not and that’s what concerned him the most.

Jack called the Captain aside for a conference. Is this necessary? “Bob, you were at Voeleron, what do you think of these developments?

He frowned and shook his head, “I don’t know, Jack. If Kek’s are on board any warship, that changes everything.”

“If that’s true, we had better expect some surprises. We know the Terelian’s capabilities. The latest upgrades on our armor and shields should deal with them. The Kek’s are another matter; their weapons tech is at least equal to ours.”

The Captain cast a long glance at his XO, “so the intelligence reports confirm, what do you propose?”

“We should deploy an Alliance Special Ops unit (ASO’s) to the planet’s surface in a Calvary class cruiser, just in case the Terelian's discovers the new base.”

After a thoughtful pause, the Captain agreed. “Deploy an ASO unit, Commander.”

“Aye, sir, Lieutenant, notify Lt. Commander Phar to report to docking bay four immediately.

“Aye, sir, He’s on his way, they launch in ten minutes. Keep an eye on your speech marks. They are missing here.

The bridge crew watched and waited, half expecting a Terelian patrol to show up at any moment. The silence of inaction increased the apprehension. I like the underlined. Gives a sense of tension
 
I think this is much better. There is still some telling, where a show might strengthen things - what a concerned tone sounds like, for instance - but I'd second Titanium Ti and say move on, start building the rest of it. Get to the end (again, I know, I know...) and then see about an edit. :)
 
Seems better written. Write it all, forget it for about 3 weeks, read it in one go, then edit.

I personally don't like underlined passages / text.
 
Trivial details.

Paragraph 17: “That is what concerns me, Ensign..."

Generally, when people speak they prefer contractions. In this case That's what concerns me seems more natural, unless this Ensign is Commander Data or something. :)

Paragraph 29: Captain Arnold moved fast, “red alert, shields up..."

Capitalize the R in red alert. Do this in spoken dialog just like you would at the beginning of any sentence.

4th & 32nd Paragraph: ... Jack thought.

The italics already tell us that these passages are internal dialog. Adding Jack thought may be redundantly surplus. :)

Third to last paragraph: “Target the weapons and fire.” Jack ordered.

I think you should either put a comma after fire or an exclamation point (if it is a boisterous command).

Last paragraph, first sentence: "Damn these Terelian’s[sic], if we don’t find a way to defend this, were in big trouble, Jack thought."

I am struggling with the 'Jack thought' again. There are so many of them. We know he 'thought', and then it follows with his spoken words. There you might want to put the tag 'Jack said, asked, or whatever afterwards instead. I would be interested in other people's opinions here.

Also, you might want an exclamation point instead of a comma after "Damn these Terelians! If..." It shows his anger and conviction better.
 
This is much better. I think you're at the stage where you could move on. You're likely to spot opportunities for further improvement if you look at it again in two or three months.

There is one consistent punctuation error: You write Terelian's and Kek's where you should be saying Terelians and Keks. Only use apostrophe ess ('s) if you are talking about something belonging to Terelians or Keks.
Correct: Terelians do not have the capability for such fire power.
Correct: The Terelian's weapons are not so powerful. (One Terelian)
Correct: The Terelians' weapons are not so powerful. (More than one Terelian)
Correct: Terelian weapons are not so powerful.
Incorrect: Terelian's do not have the capability for such fire power.

Correct: If Keks are on board any warship, that changes everything.
Incorrect: If Kek's are on board any warship, that changes everything.

Note: In a different context, you might use apostrophe ess ('s) when you are abbreviating is; for example, you might write Terelia's forming an alliance with the Keks, instead of Terelia is forming an alliance with the Keks. Alternatively, you might write The Terelians are forming an alliance with the Keks.
Thank all of you, what a relief! That's half of it, the other half is coming. You all hit upon my weakness, (one of them) English grammer. That can be easily corrected, content and flow are more difficult. Chroners rock!
 
First, I think this is a vast improvement, and you're heading the right direction.

Advice? Don't flog the same bit of the book to death (been there, done that!), but move on after this, as suggested above, applying the principles you've learned here to the rest of the book, then come back to the whole thing later. I think you'll find that you'll notice so much more yourself by that stage.

No harm in putting up other bits here, of course (or this bit, because that's your choice, but folks might get bored of reading the same section again and wander off), maybe especially the parts you find hardest to write. There's a treasure trove of brilliant minds on here, so use them. They are incredibly generous with their time and advice.

Captain Arnold nervouslyAvoid adverbs -- where possible, use a stronger verb instead, or an action. In this case, his drumming fingers suggest either nervousness or irritation drummed his fingers near the console pad on the hand rest of his chair.

“Do you think it’s wise to put a secret listening post this close to Terelian space?” Jack Morgan, his Executive Officer, POV? asked in a concerned tone.

“Intelligence has confirmed their alliance with the Kek’s Apostrophes, as ably demonstrated by TitaniumTi above. They’re bad news; the Voeleron war taught us that. For a race of reptilians, they’re crafty and intelligent.” The Captain drylyanother adverb you could do without replied.

Great! Jack thought to himself, remembering the Voeleron war and the Kek’s suicidal tactics. He and Bob Arnold trusted each other implicitly. In the last month, The Armstrong had been in two other skirmishes with the Terelian’s in neutral space. Terelian’s are predictable to a fault, the Kek's are not and that’s what concerned him the most.

Jack called the Captain aside for a conference. “Bob, you were at Voeleron, what do you think of these developments?speech marks

He frowned and shook his head,full stop “I don’t know, Jack. If Kek’s are on board any warship, that changes everything.”

“If that’s true, we had better expect some surprises. We know the Terelian’s capabilities. The latest upgrades on our armor and shields should deal with them. The Kek’s are another matter; their weapons tech is at least equal to ours.”

The Captain cast a long glance at his XO, full stop, new sentence for dialogue“so the intelligence reports confirm, what do you propose?”

“We should deploy an Alliance Special Ops unit (ASO’s)would someone add the abbreviation in dialogue? Especially to another officer who'd know fine well what an ASO was. I can see why you do it, but it wrecks a nice bit of dialogue. Consider rewording, so you can find another way to explain what it stands for?to the planet’s surface in a Calvary class cruiser, just in case the Terelian's discovers the new base.”

After a thoughtful pause, the Captain agreed. “Deploy an ASO unit, Commander.”

“Aye, sir, full stop?Lieutenant, notify Lt. Commander Phar to report to docking bay four immediately.speech marks

“Aye, sir,full stop - or a lower case h for he's He’s on his way, they launch in ten minutes.

The bridge crew watched and waited, half expecting a Terelian patrol to show up at any moment. The silence of inaction increased the apprehension.

“Launch confirmed, Commander; they’ll land in twenty minutes.”

All eyes watched the shuttle enter the atmosphere with a long fiery tail giving away their entry.

“Anyone within the two moons orbits can’t miss that.” Ensign Masterson nervously commented. Tensions always ran high on top secret missions.

“That is what concerns me, Ensign. I would have had them enter from the dark side of Eregor if time was not of the essence Nice phrase. I like it.” Jack addressed his navigator’s obvious anxiety. “Lieutenant, do we have any reports from the planet surface?”

“No, sir.”

“Raise them,full stop? something’s wrong,full stop, or semi colon, or m-dash?at least one Terelian patrol should have checked us out by now.”

“Aye, sir,”full stop. If the dialogue is followed by an action, it's a full stop, but if it's followed by a dialogue tag, e.g. 'he said', then it's a comma. Comma. If it's a question mark or an exclamation mark, treat the same as a comma with a lower case straight after, but ONLY if it's a dialogue tag. There's a great post in the toolbox somewhere about dialogue punctuation. @Jo Zebedee might be able to point you directly to it, as she wrote it. he waited for confirmation. “Life support is up and the techs are finalizing the computer downloads.”

“Tell them to finish fast; we need to get the engineering crew shuttled up and leave. Are long range scanners picking anything up?”

“No, sir, but the first moon is blocking our signal, they could be hiding on the dark side of the moon I love that phrase too, even though it might be a bit of a cliché.”

“Deploy probes to close that gap,” Jack ordered.

“Probes launched, incoming data in five minutes,” Lt. Johnson reported Current wisdom advises avoiding too many different dialogue tags and sticking to said, or even avoiding completely if it's clear who's speaking.

Blue tail flames from four probes shot forward,full stopan eerie silence pervaded the bridge. Jack's eyes were glued to his console.

Minutes later, Jack looked up with a dark scowl. “Captain, the probes have picked up movement from the moon's dark side, they’re headed our way fast. Lt. Sperry, notify the ground crew to stand fast and get those shields up.”

“Aye, sir,” she watched her console for the reply. “Shields are up and they’re taking cover. The ASO’s are changing to a possible intercept course with the incoming bogies.”

Lt. Johnson looked up from his console with dread. “Captain Arnold, five Ging class cruisers approaching from aft at attack speed. They’re taking a reverse pyramid formation, two port and starboard, two top and bottom side and one five thousand yards behind the primary group.”

Captain Arnold moved fast, “red alert, shields up full, take evasive action, let’s move this fight away from Eregor.”

“Aye, sir,” the helmswoman obeyed.

The Armstrong broke orbit and flew towards the second moon at one-quarter impulse. Eregor and the now stranded base fell away from the viewport. The inverted pyramid formation of Ging class light cruisers changed course to follow them. As they passed the planet, the bridge crew saw the rear Ging cruiser break off for Eregor’s surface, only to be met by the ASO’s ship rocketing out of the atmosphere firing her phase cannons onto the bottom side of the enemy ship.

They’re hiding something, I know it. We’ll have to come back with a fleet and scour this quadrant. Jack thought before Captain Arnold asked him a question.

“Commander, are damage control teams prepared and medical bays ready to receive casualties?”

“Aye, sir, the cruisers are moving in fast and they’re not standard Ging class cruisers, Captain, they have Kek insignia on the bow.”

Near the second moon, the Terelian ships caught up with them. Their formation stayed true as they surrounded The Armstrong.

“Their weapons are charged and firing, incoming, incoming, brace yourselves!” Jack warned the bridge crew.

The crew held on to anything solid within reach before the first volley hit. The ship shook violently and the crew rocked with the motion, staying upright. The shields dropped to sixty percent.

A look of sadness and shock filled Lt. Sperry as she looked up from her console. She fought back tears before reporting. “Captain, we lost the entire hydro-bay, including the personnel.”

Flash frozen plants and debris with floating bodies streamed out into space for all to see.

“Captain, they’re using highly modified weapons. Terelian’s do not have the capability for such fire power. This has to be Kek mods, our shields are almost useless.” Commander Morgan reported with alarm.

“Switch all available power to aft shields,” Captain Arnold ordered. “Lt. Johnson, are the targets locked?”

“Aye, sir, locked and loaded.”

“Fire port cannons.”

The phase cannons fired and the Lieutenant tracked the shots on his console. “Direct hit, sir, they’re losing power.”

“Target the weapons and fire.” Jack ordered.

The cannons fired again, the enemy ship rolled to port side and fell back. Debris and bodies shot into space from several large hull breaches. One gone and four remained.

Damn these Terelian’s, if we don’t find a way to defend this, were in big trouble, Jack thought. “What about the ship that broke off, is our base still there?”

I didn't do the whole lot, because I didn't have time, but it's definitely improving. Main things to watch, I think anyway, are your Point of View, punctuation, especially dialogue punctuation, and excessive use of adverbs and adjectives.

It's shaping up to be a nice story once you've polished it, though. Lots of space action, and if it has sexy space pilots in it, I know one person who'll be very happy, naming no names. Not tagged further up the page at all....
 
First, I think this is a vast improvement, and you're heading the right direction.

Advice? Don't flog the same bit of the book to death (been there, done that!), but move on after this, as suggested above, applying the principles you've learned here to the rest of the book, then come back to the whole thing later. I think you'll find that you'll notice so much more yourself by that stage.

No harm in putting up other bits here, of course (or this bit, because that's your choice, but folks might get bored of reading the same section again and wander off), maybe especially the parts you find hardest to write. There's a treasure trove of brilliant minds on here, so use them. They are incredibly generous with their time and advice.


I didn't do the whole lot, because I didn't have time, but it's definitely improving. Main things to watch, I think anyway, are your Point of View, punctuation, especially dialogue punctuation, and excessive use of adverbs and adjectives.

It's shaping up to be a nice story once you've polished it, though. Lots of space action, and if it has sexy space pilots in it, I know one person who'll be very happy, naming no names. Not tagged further up the page at all....

It does, I just need to balance out the descriptions so it doesn't come off as soft porn, or I'm viewed as a typical horny male in a night club.
 
This piece is definitely better than before - well done!

However, there is the danger of being over-reliant on dialogue to tell the story, and of trying to be too objective with descriptions IMO. Think about what it says in Save the Cat - what does your character actually want, what's stopping him getting it, and how's he going to overcome that?
 
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