Flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, and other forms of character intrusions

[subtletylost]

I'm having some difficulty in my story figuring out how exactly to handle the main character's intrusive thoughts and memories. I asked some other writers about this type of thing and their main advice was show don't tell, but I feel like they missed the main point of my question, which wasn't "how do I write this better" but rather "how do you include them without making them seem forced". I'm afraid that handling them properly would disrupt the flow of the writing and possibly pull a reader out of the story.

I get that I'd probably have an easier time of this if the story was in first person, but it's not. It is from that character's point of view though. I don't know if I'm overthinking the problem or if I just misinterpreted what "show, don't tell" means in this context.

For example, I have this little piece of writing:

“We could go get the ingredients or a frozen pizza from Walmart,” Ash said. They looked around for a moment then found their car keys in the bowl by the door. “Would you like to ride with me?” they asked Darcy.

Darcy’s hand froze as she was petting Terra. Thunder rumbled across the sky despite the fact the storm had ended over half an hour ago. She closed her eyes for a moment. His hot breath against her throat caused her to shiver involuntarily, but when her eyes snapped open no one was there. She took a shaky breath and said, “I’d rather not, let’s just have something we do have here.”
​

For context Darcy, the mc, was raped in a car not even an hour before (she hasn't told her partner though and refuses to acknowledge that she's hurt as she feels like she deserved it for trusting the man in the first place).

Does this work? If it does, why do you feel it works? If not, I'd really appreciate advice on how to do it better. I really want to do this right, because portraying these parts of the character is very important to me, and to the story (or rather to explain why she makes some of the choices she does, like getting her daughter a pet dragon instead of a puppy).

 

[Jo Zebedee]

It works fine for me.

On a different note - why rape?

 

[subtletylost]

It works fine for me.

On a different note - why rape?

It was partly a personal decision and partly the only way the character was going to end up pregnant as her partner is ace, and her other partner (she's polyamorous, it's okay) is a girl. In the world of the story she and her two partners wanted a child, but were denied an adoption for a multitude of reasons including that they're not home often enough, and that technically only one of them would be the child's parent because none of them are married.

It's mostly just the way this villain turned out, he tricked her into thinking he only wanted to be her friend then took what he wanted from her (and she isn't the first person he's done this too, she's just the only one he didn't abandon afterwards as he considers her too much fun). I wanted something traumatic to happen to her, and that was just the one I know how to handle best.

I hadn't actually thought about why that much more than the reasons above, as I was writing the scenes, it was just what fit the flow of the narrative best, and what caused the main character to realize that she had no choice but to change no matter how much she hated changing.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Cool. But you run the danger of people being turned off by using just about the most overused trope against women in sff stories. Wanting something traumatic to happen to her and rape go together a worrying amount.

I'm not criticising by the way, but raising questions you'll almost certainly face if published.

 

[subtletylost]

Cool. But you run the danger of people being turned off by using just about the most overused trope against women in sff stories. Wanting something traumatic to happen to her and rape go together a worrying amount.

I'm not criticising by the way, but raising questions you'll almost certainly face if published.

Nah, I understood that you weren't criticising.

The actual genre of the story is fairly iffy honestly, I'm passing it off as an urban fantasy when talking about it because of the dragon and the ancient books that set into motion the main plot. But since the main plot centers around traversing the multiverse using what is essentially magic (and possibly in later books or stories, technology) with part of the story having the main character and her sister getting lost in a much more technologically advanced version of their home city, I'm not actually sure what genre it is. Before we get the books though the character's frequent discussions of ancient civilizations possibly having some sort of space travel or teleportion abilities read as just them being conspiracy theorists.

My own words bother me because what my brain is thinking and what I keep saying aren't lining up, as in wanting something tragic isn't actually what my brain is thinking but it's what I keep saying because somehow it's not translating the thoughts into words very well.

One of the things I was told when I first told someone that that was going to happen to the main character was that I was running the risk of being accused of glorifying it, or falling victim to the trope of having it happen just so that the main character has a tragic past but then not having that actually affect her in any way. This is one of the reasons that I wanted to make sure that I can include the intrusive thoughts and flashbacks without running the risk of knocking the reader out of the story.

One of the important things that happen as a result of that is that she begins reevaluating her life under the lens of "If I was wrong about him maybe I was wrong about other things too" and that's why she starts talking to her older sister again, because she realizes that she might have been wrong in assuming that her older sister hates her. (This is important because her older wrote the aforementioned ancient books and is the only one that really knows what they mean.)

I feel like my words aren't really making as much sense as they could, but at the very least I'm glad that you understand that I wasn't looking for yet another lesson is "show, don't tell", and that you're actually taking the time to talk to me and help where you can. Thank you.

 

[tinkerdan]

I think this works well the way it is.

I do something similar in my two books, but it's first person and it's easy to get in her head.

What seems the most important is how it fits the context. If there is a progression that gets the character into a memory and then back out again that makes sense then it flows easily.

One question I might have is; is this the first time the reader knows of this or have they seen this already. That makes a difference because too much flashback on what the reader already sees becomes redundant no matter how much it fits the context.

If this is the first time the reader is introduced to this revelation then it works quite well and doesn't seem at all intrusive.

That said; when I look back on it now I'm pretty sure the little you have there won't take anyone out of the story even if it is redundant, but keep an eye on that and always consider ways to give more insight to the character as you revisit the old feelings.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

I don't see any of that as intrusive thoughts. It seems to flow logically. But, out of curiosity, what's with the "they"? Is this some sort of double-character that's two people or something? It's odd to say they looked for their car keys and then they asked her something. But it could just be a character I don't understand.

 

[subtletylost]

One question I might have is; is this the first time the reader knows of this or have they seen this already. That makes a difference because too much flashback on what the reader already sees becomes redundant no matter how much it fits the context.

The scene of the actual event is really vague about it, so that it's implied what happened but not actually outright stated until several chapters later when she finds out she's pregnant. So likely until the scene where it's stated, there's going to be readers who don't understand what happened, and they'll be readers that do, it depends on how good they are at inferring. That's the point though of how the narrative sets it up, since the pov character doesn't want anyone knowing exactly what happened.

I don't see any of that as intrusive thoughts. It seems to flow logically. But, out of curiosity, what's with the "they"? Is this some sort of double-character that's two people or something? It's odd to say they looked for their car keys and then they asked her something. But it could just be a character I don't understand.

That character is agender, not a boy not a girl, and uses the singular they pronoun. I'm so used to it because of being the one who is writing the story, and my friends using that pronoun for me since January, that I guess I forgot not everyone sees it like that every day.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

That character is agender, not a boy not a girl, and uses the singular they pronoun. I'm so used to it because of being the one who is writing the story, and my friends using that pronoun for me since January, that I guess I forgot not everyone sees it like that every day.

Ahh, that would make sense! I'm sure it's understood in context, then.

 

[tinkerdan]

Even understanding this::

That character is agender, not a boy not a girl, and uses the singular they pronoun. I'm so used to it because of being the one who is writing the story, and my friends using that pronoun for me since January, that I guess I forgot not everyone sees it like that every day.

:: I might have trouble staying in the story.

I think I'd have to begin at the beginning and take it from there.

I have the same problem when trying to arbitrarily use 'it' to a non-person aka android or robot.

I think we often assign a social sex tag just for conversation's sake.