Thumar, chapter one, part two

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Tim Murray

Through space, time and dimension
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Thanks for the input on part one, here's part two.



Lt. Sperry reported. “The ASO’s have engaged and incapacitated their main drives. No reports of losses on our side or significant damage to their ship. The bogie never entered the atmosphere.”

Another volley hit The Armstrong as she lurched hard to port. Alarms went off and damage control teams reported extensive destruction to the port thrusters and shield generators.

Ensign Masterson looked up from the console, his eyes downcast. “Our shields and armor are barely holding. They’re down to thirty percent. Whole sections of decks four through six on our starboard side are missing. My cousin worked there.” His voice was filled with raw emotion.

“Get a hold of yourself, Ensign,” Jack ordered.

The Ensign steeled himself and painfully stuffed the rising tides.

Captain Arnold balled both fists and his face took on an angry visage. In a controlled rage, he gave his next order. “Commander Morgan, shove some dual phase missiles down their throats!”

“Aye, sir, my pleasure.”

“Lieutenant, fire four port missiles on my mark. Target the hyper drive, weapons, and bridge.” They want to take on an Alliance battle cruiser, here’s a reminder of our fire power you SOB!

“Aye, sir. Missile tubes locked and loaded, firing solutions acquired.”

Fire!”

Four missiles hit their mark. The second Terelian cruiser blew up in a nuclear fireball. The view windows darkened as the crew covered their eyes. They wanted to cheer but now was not the time.

“I need the status on our ASO’s and Eregor, are they out of danger?” The Captain insisted.

With a sigh of relief, Ensign Masterson reported. “Both are safe for the moment. The ASO’s took out the cruiser but reports enough damage to their ship to take them out of action. They’ve landed and only suffered two minor injuries. They’re in med bay and expect a full recovery.”

A momentary smile crossed Bob Arnold’s lips.

Jack was glued to his display when he saw one of the Ging cruisers trying to break off for Eregor. Without looking up, he gave the next order. “Lt. Johnson, lock onto the bogie on our starboard side. He’s trying to break for Eregor. Once you have him, fire at will, four missiles.”

“Aye, sir. Locked, loaded and firing.”

The bridge crew watched four missiles exhaust flames hurl their payloads towards the Terelian battle cruiser. When they hit, the ship blew apart into pieces, shooting debris and crew into open space with the escaping air. This time, the crew cheered.

Jack broke the reverie after he scanned The Armstrong’s damage reports. He pursed his lips and his brow furrowed. “We can’t take much more damage, Captain. Our shields are down to twenty percent and the med bays are reporting heavy casualties.”

“We’ve done all we can to protect Eregor. The ASO’s will have to hold the position if it comes to a ground fight. Hopefully, their shields will last.” The Captain shook his head in resignation; he hated leaving personnel behind, but he had no choice now. They had no answer for the new phase blasts that was tearing his ship apart.

“Lt. Commander, contact Eregor base and The Apache, she is the closest to our coordinates for a rescue. Plot a course for Thumar and charge the hyper drive.” The Captain bowed his head in regret.

“Aye, sir.” The Commanders eyes showed sadness as he complied.

Every member of the bridge crew exchanged mournful looks. Knowing they were leaving their comrades to a questionable future.

Eregor base confirmed the order and The Apache was on her way.

Just as Lt. Commander Peters was about to engage the hyper drive, two phase blasts hit The Armstrong, one aft of the bridge and another port side at mid-ship.

Everything blew apart, consoles ripped out of the floor, ceiling beams punching holes into the deck with wire bundles hanging, sparking and crackling as they swung in slow arcs. Most of the control panel’s lights flashed on and off with sparks shooting out of cracked and broken clear plasteel.

Wiping the blood from his eyes, Commander Morgan tried to sit up, one idea pounding through his aching head: “Get us out of here,” he choked, his throat tight with dust. A section of his control panel was embedded into the deck, inches from his chest. Any closer and he would be dead.

Not everyone had been so lucky. Bodies lay tangled in debris across the deck with pools of blood marking their locations, some buried. Bob Arnold, Jack noted in relief, was still breathing. He couldn’t tell with the young navigator, Lt. Sperry, laying two feet away. Jack's ribs burned with pain, he must have bruised them. His breathing was short and his body screamed in agony as he crawled over to his Captain.

Captain Arnold turned his bloody head, desperation filled his cloudy gaze as he weakly grasped Jacks' arm. “Commander, save the ship!” he barely coughed out before losing consciousness.

Jack painfully stood and slowly moved to the secondary command panels. They survived with the last commands an injured, unconscious Lt. Commander Peters inputted before the blast hit.

Ensign Masterson limped over to his side, holding his broken arm. “Are you alright, sir?” He barely got out between labored breaths, looking around at the carnage.

“I’m alive Mark, how about you?”

“About the same, sir, how can I help?”

“Contact Thumars' space docks and apprise them of our situation. Let them know we’ll need full fire control and medical teams waiting for us.”

“Aye, sir.”

The emergency call was returned. “They’ll be waiting for us at the edge of their space. They're more bogies still stalking us, what do we do?”

Jack wiped the blood dripping from his head wound with his torn sleeve. “Take them out as we leave.”

They both heard movement and grimaced in pain as they turned around to see Lt. Sperry crawling over to them. She was in bad shape.

“I can help if you get me into that chair, my arms aren’t broken,” she said, wiping the blood from her mouth.

Both men barely lifted her into the seat. She screamed as her broken legs were jostled, her right femur was pushing out through the skin. Fortunately, no major blood vessels were severed. Jack tore the tattered bottom of his shirt. Ensign Masterson held Sperry as Jack applied a cautionary tourniquet above the protruding bone. This slowed down the bleeding. She fought through agony and tears of pain to compose herself.

“I’ve got the weapons console, sir.” Her words coming out in staccato.

Jack hit the com button to engineering. “Commander Ellis, are the hyper drives and impulse drives still up?”

Crackling intermittently interrupted the reply. “Aye, sir, just barely. I can give you full impulse for a short time. The RMT’s will get us out of here, but we only have one shot at it before their gone.”

Jack scowled at the news. “Do we have aft missiles?”

A loud clang was heard before Ellis answered. “We’re losing support beams!” Shouting filled the background.

“Commander, do we have weapons?”

“Port and starboard phase cannons are gone with twelve missile tubes operating. You still have full aft missiles. Over half of engineering is out of action. One more hit and we’re space debris.”

“Copy, Commander, stand ready for my mark, I’m getting us out of here,” I hope.

Jack winced in pain and turned to Mark. “There are three wounded enemy ships out there. If we cut and run, they’ll close in for the kill.” He turned to Alice. “Set up a full aft missile spread. When they get close enough, I’ll give you your mark.”

“Aye, sir.”

“They’re coming about at attack speed.”

“Ensign, one-half impulse to our jump point, Lt. Sperry, lock missile pattern, full spread.”

“Half impulse, Ensign.”

“Aye, sir.” He grimaced through his pain as he looked at his cracked screen. “They took the bait and their weapons are charged and ready.”

“Full impulse; let’s get some distance between us. Are you ready Alice?”

“Aye, sir.”

“1000 yards to jump point.” Ensign Masterson reported.

Jack watched the cracked console glass and gave both orders. “Fire missiles, engage hyper drive.”

“Missiles launched.”

The vids showed over fifteen flaming trails streaking to their targets.

“Hyper drive engaged.” Ensign Masterson confirmed.

The last thing Commander Morgan saw before entering the artificial worm hole was one cruiser blowing up and the last two spinning to starboard with massive hull breaches.

The AS Armstrong barely limped into hyperspace and the remaining Terelian ships were on fire. Debris from the three that were destroyed was falling into orbit around Eregor and her second moon.
 
Lt. Commander, contact Eregor base and The Apache, she is...

She should not be in italics.

My wife was an EMT and there is no such thing as a cautionary tourniquet. If no major blood vessels are lacerated there is no need for such a measure. The correct procedure is immobilization of the greenstick fracture.

Tourniquets can save lives, but are a last resort since they can easily lead to the loss of that limb.

I am also thinking that with a broken femur that sitting is going to be next to impossible. Her injuries just seem too traumatic to be believed she is doing what you claim in the story.

I've seen one person with a bad fracture of the arm (among other injuries) and he was totally immobilized in pain. It's a bit of a leap of faith to me that people would be walking around with broken arms without more fanfare.

Gashed wounds might be a better choice for her, in my opinion.

The AS Armstrong? Should that be just the The Armstrong?
 
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Ensign Masterson looked up from the console, his eyes downcast. Look up and eyes down?

The Ensign steeled himself and painfully stuffed the rising tides. I have no idea what this line means.

Four missiles hit their mark. The second Terelian cruiser blew up in a nuclear fireball. The view windows darkened as the crew covered their eyes. Technically if it was a nuclear explosion the crew could now be blind. Even modern warships have crew buried deep in the bowels of the ship looking at screens, so why should this change? So what’s happened here is that I’ve started to question your technology and that’s not cool.

“I need the status on our ASO’s and Eregor, are they out of danger?” The Captain insisted. Telling and with a capital T the speech tag is a new line.

Jack broke the reverie after he scanned The Armstrong’s damage reports. He pursed his lips and his brow furrowed. Funny face is what I thought when reading this. There are better ways of expressing emotion and I’m sure there is a thread on here somewhere that could help.


A bit of a mix going on here Tim. Your technical writing was good for me and there weren’t too many stay commas that I could see. The character POV was very confused and I had no idea who was the main character. Emotion was just not there and the section was flat because of it. As always with a battle scene you run the risk of losing the reader in all the action and I lost the plot of what was happening very early on. This was the big picture movie director writing instead of strictly from a single characters world view, and if telling a story you should stick to a single character POV (some books break this rule wonderfully well, but these books are not common in my experience).

Sadly, I didn’t get very far before I stopped reading this and if I did, agents would do the same. You will need to learn how to present your writing and structure a scene (we’ll all help if you want it, no worries there). Character emotions, actions and control of POV are needed too. Background, such as how things look and feel to your character of choice, all add depth to writing and help hook the reader in. As I said, you have a good grasp of grammar in my view, so you have a good foundation to build on. Some work ahead, but when isn’t there. Keep at it Tim, you have flare and promise that I like to see.
 
I will let others focus on the writing aspect and just look at some of the technical points:

A full spread only involving 15 missiles seems a weak full spread? Are these standard ballistic missiles?

1000 yards to jump point seems arbitrarily small. At this point the ship is travelling at half impulse, how fast is half impulse and is 1000 yards something you could realistically measure at that speed? Also this makes it seem as if the jump point is a spatial co-ordinate rather than something in the ship - would a ship engine report charging times based on distance. I would expect this to read more like:

“Full impulse; let’s get some distance between us. Are you ready Alice?”

“Aye, sir.”

“Ship is almost ready to jump. Ready in 3, 2 , 1.” Ensign Masterson reported.

Jack watched the cracked console glass and gave both orders. “Fire missiles, engage hyper drive.”

“Missiles launched.”
 
You have a good imagination, and an obvious desire to write a quality book, so congratulations there. I’ll mention I am much more a reader than a writer, but readers have thoughts on the written word too. :) Here are a few of mine:

Another volley hit The Armstrong as she lurched hard to port. Alarms went off and damage control teams reported extensive destruction to the port thrusters and shield generators.

‘extensive destruction’...’extensive’ seems a redundant word here, when paired with ‘destruction’. Also, it seems wrong that a damage control team is on-site and reporting the damage literally seconds after the volley hits (I wonder how many teams there could be, and also how many areas of the ship they would have to be ready to cover); perhaps it would be the job of the engineering department you’ve referenced several times in the chapter, to report damage immediately after it happens, and the damage control team would report after they’ve arrived on-site, and further assessed the damage. You could now rephrase the second sentence as:

Alarms went off and engineering reported extensive damage to the port thrusters and shield generators.
(Also, would it be 'the Armstrong', instead of 'The Armstrong'?)
####

You use the word ‘barely’ six times in this excerpt. In the span of three paragraphs, you use barely twice in very similar (and I think unnecessary) ways:

...he barely coughed out before losing consciousness.

He barely got out between labored breaths, looking around at the carnage.

Again, in both cases I think you could delete ‘barely’ to positive results. Also, I’d consider whether it’s needed in the other instances where it’s used.
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I think overall one big issue is that you tell us much too often how your characters are feeling (or should be feeling, according to the circumstances they find themselves in). For example:

Captain Arnold balled both fists and his face took on an angry visage. In a controlled rage, he gave his next order. “Commander Morgan, shove some dual phase missiles down their throats!

How about something like:

Captain Arnold’s fist slammed onto the console in front of him. “Commander Morgan, shove some dual phase missiles down their throats!”

This would let you eliminate the mentioning of his face taking on an angry visage; and also this eliminates the need to tell us that he is in a controlled rage as he gives his order. We’ll know he’s angry by his fist slamming onto the console, and the words that he uses next (also, a fist is a balled hand, so the 'balled' in 'balled fist' seems redundant). I think the way you use attribution descriptors slows down the action of the chapter - this should be a fast-flowing, chaotic, remarkably exciting and tense scene. By telling us how the characters look/act/feel so often, you slow down the pace dramatically. Let your characters' words, and the action bursting around them, show us what is happening; let us use our imaginations - don’t tell us what is happening, let us envision it.
####

The POV, as others have mentioned, does seem confusing in many places.
####

The bridge crew watched four missiles exhaust flames hurl their payloads towards the Terelian battle cruiser.

The way you’ve written/ordered this sentence, I’d think missiles is possessive...missiles’; the crew is watching the exhaust flames belonging to four missiles. If you like the imagery of the flames hurling the payloads, perhaps this could be written:

The bridge crew watched exhaust flames hurl the four missiles’ payloads toward the Terelian battlecruiser.
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When they hit, the ship blew apart into pieces, shooting debris and crew into open space with the escaping air.

‘apart into pieces’ seems redundant. Perhaps:

When they hit, the ship blew apart, shooting debris...
####

Every member of the bridge crew exchanged mournful looks. Knowing they were leaving their comrades to a questionable future.

A sentence fragment at the end, possibly? Perhaps:

The crew on the bridge exchanged mournful glances - they were leaving their comrades to a questionable future.
####

There are other nitpicky issues, but you’ll catch those later when you edit this completed draft. And that’s the last thing I’ll mention: just a suggestion, but it might be time to move on aggressively with the rest of the book. Get the whole thing done (or polished up), then take an editing pass at the book entire. Best of luck!
 
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