Past Imperfect

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reiver33

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I offered this to Kraxon but no joy - perhaps the subject matter is too bleak?


I tuned back in as Director Hobson came to the end of his welcome for the new interns. I’d heard his spiel numerous times before - he liked to have me there as an example of how agents could make multiple trips through the vortex and suffer no ill-effects.

Yeah, right.

Hobson drew himself up in a ‘spontaneous’ display of righteous indignation, hands gripping both sides of the lectern.”…and despite what those deluded protestors outside may chant, we are not murderers, nor body-snatchers, nor are be devoid of conscience. All those we retrieve from the past vanished without trace - overlooked, unmissed, discarded by the society of their time. The organs and other genetic material we harvest lends purpose to their passing, it saves the lives of countless recipients in the here-and-now.” He paused for an equally spontaneous smattering of applause, led by Brunner, the head of Human Resources.

I shifted my weight onto the other foot and idly picked at a barely healed scab on my left hand. The decay was troublesome, but time in the regeneration tanks didn’t come cheap.

Hobson let the quivering anger slide from his voice and smiled, which for some reason always put me in mind of ‘Uncle Joe’ Stalin. “So, in conclusion, may I extend the warmest of welcomes to Body-Plus, the first name in life extension. Now, if you’d care to accompany Miss Brunner on a tour of the facility, I’ll rejoin you for an informal get-together in the Executive dining area later. Thank you.”

More applause, slightly more genuine this time, and the fresh meat began filtering out of the auditorium. They certainly laid on the welcome for interns, right up to the point they signed a three-year contract. After that they were just grist to the mill.

The Director kept smiling until the door closed, then shed his bonhomie like last year’s fashion. “What the hell do you mean turning up, looking like that? Good God, Danake, it’s like you’ve aged ten years!”

I sneered at him. “Like I could keep this up indefinitely? Well, I’m done, I’m here to take the money and run.” That was the carrot, of course, the reason why sane men and women risked DNA distortion time and again, travelling through the chronometric vortex. The greater the damage when Medical finally ruled you unfit to work, the greater the cash to squander during your (limited) retirement. Given my years of service I’d become a budgetary hot potato, a pay-off nightmare waiting to happen.

Hobson’s mouth tightened into a thin line. “You’ll keep working until I say otherwise, understand? Only my protection keeps you from those wolves outside. He sighed, “Why do I even put up with you?”

“Admit it, you’ll miss me when I’m gone.”

He snorted. “Debriefing, now.” The Director turned on his heel and strode out into the foyer with me trailing in his wake. Through some diplomatic slight-of-hand the facility doubled as an embassy of Uzbekistan, which entitled it to armed protection against the besieging protestors. These militant Jiminy Crickets may have dubbed us ‘time-bandit butchers’ but those we snatched from the past were legally dead, with zero rights - at least amongst the Uzbeks. Hell, it wasn’t even classed as euthanasia.

Which made me, what, exactly? A neo-ferryman between past death and future oblivion? The spiritual successor to Burke and Hare? For years I’d salved my conscience with cold, hard, cash, but now no amount of happy pills could wash the metaphorical blood from my hands.

A maintenance operative wheeled a sanitation cart across the plush carpet towards us. Hobson frowned at this real-world glimpse behind the cultured façade of Body-Plus and halted, obviously intent on taking the hapless menial to task. However I’d spent enough time amongst the lost and desperate to recognise fatalism when I saw it, and the approaching man was an arrow in flight.

I grabbed Hobson’s forearm and slapped a designator pad on his wrist. The vortex swirled into being around us, reducing the foyer to a two-dimensional backdrop, frozen in time.

The Director glared, struggling in my grasp. “What the hell is-” His eyes widened, “How is this possible? Where are we going?”

“Sure as hell away from here. Best guess is a micro-singularity bomb with cold-fusion containment, to get past the radiation scanners. The implosion obliterates everything within a half-block radius.” I gave him a smile, of sorts, “Leaving me stranded in the past, on the last mission you authorised.”

Confusion and disbelief struggled for control of Hobson’s features. “You’re taking me back to twenty-six? How?”

“Oh, no, sir. Body-Plus may be history but the original vortex at Langley was merely mothballed, not dismantled. The CIA retrieved me and for the last eight years I’ve been one of their temporal consultants.”

“And you came back to save me?” Obvious relief made his shoulders sag, “Thank you, thank you, Danake, you were always my-”

“No, not save. Times have changed, Director, and now everything we did is a crime against humanity. I only escaped extradition to a jurisdiction with the death penalty by agreeing to deliver you up for trial. The verdict is a foregone conclusion, of course, given public opinion.”

Hobson swung at me with his free hand but I grabbed his wrist and easily held him at bay. He spat at me, white-faced with rage or fear, it was hard to tell. “You *******! Ingrate! I gave you a life and this is how you repay me? Well, I bet they don’t know half of what you’d done, and when I get through-”

“Or I can let you go, let you remain in my past. You’ll have only seconds to avert catastrophe. Well, at least delay it and escape, as Body-Plus will be destroyed and you know what a bitch causality can be. Whatever happens you vanish without trace.”

His mouth worked but no sound came out. At that moment he was indecision made flesh.

My smile hardened. “Well, Director Hobson, it’s your choice.”
 
Hi, I don't have a huge amounts of time at the moment, but I can give a few thoughts for you.

Firstly, Is this the whole piece? It feels fairly complete, but I'm just clarifying.
You have a typo in the third para 'nor at 'be' devoid of conscience'.

As for the content, I don't find it too bleak at all.
But what stands out to me is how little thoughts and feelings we get from the first person narrator, I would expect a bit more than that. In fact Hobson gets more air time in that regard, I felt.

Secondly, I felt like you explanation paragraphs starting 'Hobson drew himself up...' and 'He snorted...' might be a tad on the telly side. Avoid the info dump by maybe showing the protestors out of a window, seeing their signs, and the Uzbek guards patrolling the fences.

And my third point is I was enjoying it up until the Orderly shows up and they skip through time. I think I understand what's going on, but I literally read it 4 times. I think even just a clarifying statement in the first speech after they jump, rather than just running straight into explanation of a bomb, say the man wasn't an orderly but a terrorist etc. or presumably Danake knew who blew the place up, so wouldnt think of him as just a 'maintenance operative'. And I'm not sure what the 'last mission you authorised' relates too... Does Hobson send him back to arrest himself?

Time travel is hard to write accessibly, because things do get very confusing. Its probably a better idea than with this than other types of fiction to assume that the reader is a bit slow, otherwise they risk being lost completely. I think you can get this a bit clearer with little work.
 
IMO it is bleak, but interesting. As LittleStar says, you don't really show us much of your protagonist/narrator. You show us that he's understandably cynical, but you have to work a bit harder to make me care about him. The comment about the scar presumably refers to something like radiation damage, but it made me feel distaste, rather than sympathy.

I also wonder if the story might benefit from tightening up a bit. For example:
I tuned back in as Director Hobson came to the end of his welcome for the new interns. I’d heard his spiel numerous times before - he liked to have me there as an example of how to show that agents could make multiple trips through the vortex without and suffer no ill-effects.
The changes I've shown would shorten the paragraph and remove repetition of stated or implied information. We learn later that the audience consists of new interns; this knowledge is not so essential to the story that it needs repetition. Similarly, "numerous times" is implied by the statement that Hobson liked to have him there.

I've just re-read the story to make sure I understand it. I think (hope) I do understand the time-paradox connotations, but I also think it needs to be spelt out in clearer detail.
 
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Well written, and I personally didn't feel I needed to know more about the main caracter's feelings. The idea is very good. But I agree with the others regarding clarity, I had to re-read some parts of it to understand what was going on, so maybe that could be improved a bit.
 
My thanks for the above comments - and typo-spotting. Some lack of clarity stems from the 1000-word limit required by Kraxon, for whom this piece was originally destined. In the un-trimmed original, the narrator keeps checking his watch as - from his future perspective - he knows how the facility is destroyed, and approximately when, but not by whom. Just to flesh-out the implied time-line;

• Danake is sent back from the (narrative) current to retrieve another involuntary organ donor.

• While he’s away (elapsed real-time), Body-Plus is destroyed by an implosion. There are no survivors.

• Danake is retrieved from the past by the CIA, and spends 8 years working for them.

• As a PR exercise, Danake is sent back to just before the implosion to grab Hobson for a show trial. He hangs on until the last moment to discover who was behind the attack.

I hope that makes some kind of sense.

Again, my thanks.

Martin
 
I thought it was interesting and complete within itself; but it suffers having confusion at the most important part. As you say that was because you had to cut it; but there is no reason you couldn't have said that at first and included the entire or at least 500 more words here.

As it is the problem is more than just the cut causing confusion but the emphasis on the first half to the exclusion of the final. I'll try to illustrate. Since the end is vitally important toward being understood and the delivery of the punch line I look at the excess in the beginning and see where you could have cut fat in the earlier portion to take time to clarify the end.

Take the first two paragraphs::

Director Hobson ended his welcome for the new interns. I’d heard his spiel numerous times - he wanted me here as an example of how agents make multiple trips through the vortex and suffer no ill-effects.

Yeah, right.

Hobson drew himself up, hands gripping both sides of the lectern."and despite what deluded protesters outside may chant, we're not murderers, nor body-snatchers, nor are we devoid of conscience. Those we retrieve from the past vanished without trace - overlooked, unmissed, discarded by the society of their time. The harvest of their genetic material lends purpose to their passing and saves countless lives in the here-and-now." He paused for applause, led by Brunner, the head of Human Resources.
:: with some tightening I've removed 33 words and I see more fat between here and the terror bombing.

References to Jiminy Cricket and Burk and Hare don't help the story. They are just a bit of color almost purple in this respect.
Aside from that there are a lot of extra adjectives and adverbs that could have been removed and the meaning and intent stays the same.
Once cleaned up you might even have more than enough room in the remainder to make the ending clearer and better to understand while coming well under the 1000 word limit.

This is solely my opinion and might likely have no relation what-so-ever to any rejections.

It is good-and I think with the added parts you took out put back in to make the ending clearer it would be an excellent piece. But as it is it needs a lot of work and clarity.
 
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Not the best opening line ever and it's always good to try and aim for a good opening line. Most of my thoughts after this echo LittleStar and I feel emotion and background details are light and while well written as ever (only what I would expect from you Mr River33), its not hooked me in. Is this a short or the opening to a novel, I wasn't sure which. It felt like a short story with a fast pace and glossed over details. The ending was a little confusing but easily fixed. The subject matter was fine for me, but I'm not a publisher so make what you want of that. Mostly however, I had no emotional investment in either character and that's not where you want to be. I know you can fix this and don't give up on the idea what ever you do, its a really good idea.
 
The dialogue is good, even though I didn't completely understood what was going on when I first read it. I'm just going to present my first impressions when reading this, I understood it a little more when I got through the comments. I got that Danake is some kind of time-travelling bodysnatcher, maybe, and that our MC betrays or counteracts his former employer... Actually, I didn't get whether the MC is a man or woman either. There was little to hint at who the MC was, or how he looked. I suppose this excerpt is in the middle of things, and not the prologue/first chapter?
 
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