I've been horribly neglectful of the crits section lately, but since I tip-toed quietly past my 2000 I thought I'd put something up for my 3000.
It's a piece maybe a quarter-way into my current wip. Background: Breck, Vince, Grady and Seven are the crew of an air ship. They're all in their late teens/ early 20's. They're in a nightclub in a mining town, and have convinced new boy Breck to try the local energy booster drug 'xoc' (pronounced shock). Breck is an empath.
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Seven poured out half of the packet in her glass and half in Breck’s. Then she touched a finger to her forehead in a mock salute and drank hers in one go. She slapped the glass down hard on the table and got up. “I’m hitting the dance floor. Sayonara, suckers.”
They watched her go, weaving her way expertly between the packed bodies. Then Grady turned to Breck expectantly. Breck shrugged. “Well, here goes nothing.” He swirled the dark dust in the two fingers of fire whiskey a few times and downed it. The cheap whisky burned his throat, the xoc giving it a weird bitter aftertaste. He grimaced as he set the glass down. “So, what’s supposed to happen now?”
“Give it a few minutes,” answered Grady, chuckling.
“Okay, but...stop staring at me. You too, Vince. You guys are making me nervous.” Breck looked away, scanning the nightclub. There was an even bigger crowd here tonight, and a different band. Breck tapped his foot along to the music. Tonight’s band was great, really good. He was suddenly wide-awake. He felt like a fresh breeze had whipped through the place, tearing cobwebs from his brain. Even his gaze was sharper, and he could swear he could hear better, too. He felt alive, properly alive.
Grady was smirking. “And that’s the xoc. Feels nice, doesn’t it?” Vince was frowning, unhappy, but Breck didn’t care, this was fantastic, he felt terrific, better than he’d ever felt before. He felt... He felt...
He felt everything. All at once, a whole world of feelings came crashing down on him, shredding all of his mental filters. He could sense them surrounding him, hear them: an entire nightclub full of anger, pleasure, desperation, lust. A whirling blur of frantic humanity. He clamped his hands to his ears, deafened, and it hurt, it hurt so bad. Someone was screaming, “Make it stop,” and he had a feeling it was him. He tumbled to his knees in agony.
He was only dimly aware of Grady hauling him to his feet and half-carrying, half-dragging him out, Vince ahead clearing a path. The last thing he saw as he stumbled out into the night was Seven in the middle of the dance floor, arms raised to the ceiling as she danced wildly to the beat.
The pain subsided to a throb as they pulled him into a quiet alley some distance from the club. He sank to the muddy ground and drew a trembling hand across a face speckled with cold sweat. His fingers came away bloody, and he realized his nose was bleeding. He pinched the bridge of his nose to stop it, leaning his aching head back against the wooden wall of a tumbledown shack.
Grady sat down beside him. The engineer was shaking. “What the f***?”
Vince squatted in front of them, coattails dragging in the mud. “His empathy. The xoc must have boosted his abilities, just like it boosts everything else. You okay, Breck?”
He wiped his nose again with the back of his free hand, and stared at it. A thick streak of blood coated it, shining blackly in the dark. “Stars! What a mess.” He took a deep, shuddering breath. “Yeah, I’ll be okay. Just...don’t make me go back in there.”
It's a piece maybe a quarter-way into my current wip. Background: Breck, Vince, Grady and Seven are the crew of an air ship. They're all in their late teens/ early 20's. They're in a nightclub in a mining town, and have convinced new boy Breck to try the local energy booster drug 'xoc' (pronounced shock). Breck is an empath.
#
Seven poured out half of the packet in her glass and half in Breck’s. Then she touched a finger to her forehead in a mock salute and drank hers in one go. She slapped the glass down hard on the table and got up. “I’m hitting the dance floor. Sayonara, suckers.”
They watched her go, weaving her way expertly between the packed bodies. Then Grady turned to Breck expectantly. Breck shrugged. “Well, here goes nothing.” He swirled the dark dust in the two fingers of fire whiskey a few times and downed it. The cheap whisky burned his throat, the xoc giving it a weird bitter aftertaste. He grimaced as he set the glass down. “So, what’s supposed to happen now?”
“Give it a few minutes,” answered Grady, chuckling.
“Okay, but...stop staring at me. You too, Vince. You guys are making me nervous.” Breck looked away, scanning the nightclub. There was an even bigger crowd here tonight, and a different band. Breck tapped his foot along to the music. Tonight’s band was great, really good. He was suddenly wide-awake. He felt like a fresh breeze had whipped through the place, tearing cobwebs from his brain. Even his gaze was sharper, and he could swear he could hear better, too. He felt alive, properly alive.
Grady was smirking. “And that’s the xoc. Feels nice, doesn’t it?” Vince was frowning, unhappy, but Breck didn’t care, this was fantastic, he felt terrific, better than he’d ever felt before. He felt... He felt...
He felt everything. All at once, a whole world of feelings came crashing down on him, shredding all of his mental filters. He could sense them surrounding him, hear them: an entire nightclub full of anger, pleasure, desperation, lust. A whirling blur of frantic humanity. He clamped his hands to his ears, deafened, and it hurt, it hurt so bad. Someone was screaming, “Make it stop,” and he had a feeling it was him. He tumbled to his knees in agony.
He was only dimly aware of Grady hauling him to his feet and half-carrying, half-dragging him out, Vince ahead clearing a path. The last thing he saw as he stumbled out into the night was Seven in the middle of the dance floor, arms raised to the ceiling as she danced wildly to the beat.
The pain subsided to a throb as they pulled him into a quiet alley some distance from the club. He sank to the muddy ground and drew a trembling hand across a face speckled with cold sweat. His fingers came away bloody, and he realized his nose was bleeding. He pinched the bridge of his nose to stop it, leaning his aching head back against the wooden wall of a tumbledown shack.
Grady sat down beside him. The engineer was shaking. “What the f***?”
Vince squatted in front of them, coattails dragging in the mud. “His empathy. The xoc must have boosted his abilities, just like it boosts everything else. You okay, Breck?”
He wiped his nose again with the back of his free hand, and stared at it. A thick streak of blood coated it, shining blackly in the dark. “Stars! What a mess.” He took a deep, shuddering breath. “Yeah, I’ll be okay. Just...don’t make me go back in there.”
