Mayhem - new start (abt 500 words)

[AnyaKimlin]

I'm a great big geek in a great big glass jar. Twenty million or more people spend their days staring at me through the lens of the media. There are days the lid is on so tight I am suffocating but the only way to escape permanently is to shatter my entire world.

The wheels of my skateboard grind the pavement and pedestrians scatter to get out of my way. Some swear loudly. Some mutter under their breath. Some make silent hand gestures. Others do a combination of the three. All will be united in their reaction if I remove my black hood and pollution mask. They will sink to their knees, declaring their love of His Royal Highness Prince Angus. Embarrassing, especially as the newspapers are full of what they all really think of me and the man sticking his finger up is closer than the sycophants I encounter in real life.

“Oy!” a security guard starched, suited and booted yells at me from his position in front of the automated revolving doors of Jing-Ore Electrical Company towers. Crap! He's making chase. I'm not ready to be caught and returned to the prison of the palace, so I put on a spurt and pray to the Universal Father, in whom I do not believe, that I don't fall off. Dad'll be volcanic enough when he discovers I've slipped my guards. He'll fully erupt if I end up in hospital – again.

Between the Jing-Ore towers and the glass-and-steel skyscraper of the Vesta Automated Mining company is a narrow alleyway and I manoeuvre down it. I halt the board and get off. I've always wanted to be able to kick it up and catch it but last time I knocked myself out trying. It's ripe down here, homeless occupation, stench of urine and a smell I don't recognise is making my eyes water. Two large bins filled with empty metal canisters will give me a hiding place until the security guard has given up. A body wrapped in a filthy thick plaid blanket already occupies the space in spite of the hot weather it's shivering. Next to it is a cup of Nacl coins which would make getting home easier.

Beneath the folds of the cloth is movement and before I can take my wallet out to exchange the coins for a substantial note I'm assaulted by a tiny wolf-squirrel barking and flapping its leathery wings in my face. The tiny thing is eyeing up my entire six-feet-five frame as though it would make a nice hors d'oeuvres and I'm forced to shield my eyes from its attack before I lose one.

“Gorse, stop that.” A filthy, but attractive face appears from beneath the blanket. “Come here.” The creature retreats to her shoulder and glares at me. She wipes her face with a filthy, shaking arm and squints at me. “Who are you?”

 

[RJM Corbet]

Well written and engaging.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I like that better than your last start

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Thanks - Angus has changed a little. When I shrunk him and gave him his eye back he seemed to gain a more laid back attitude but is much less of a wimp.

 

[RJM Corbet]

Thanks - Angus has changed a little...

Oh, so that's his name? Chuckle

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Oh, so that's his name? Chuckle

It's in the second paragraph and confirmed right after this segment when he introduces himself to Ursula. The main advantage of the previous beginning was it gave his name in the first word. If it was in third I'd have got it in there earlier.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

noticed two uses of filthy will change filthy but attractive face to grimy but attractive face.

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

I like this much more than your last beginning, too. Angus comes across as a stronger character and I like him more.

This bit,

Some swear loudly. Some mutter under their breath. Some make silent hand gestures. Others do a combination of the three.

Doesn't read smoothly to me -- it's too much of a list, and I think you could do it much more humorously. You're good at writing humour!

Good stuff, though. I'd definitely want to read on from this excerpt, which I'm not sure I could say about the previous beginning.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Thanks - I think it introduces the world better so makes the idea of a modern prince in a palace less of a shock. That's my intention. Is this idea a bit better?

A man in a pin stripe suit tells me where to go in terms that would make a lesser man than myself blush. I stick a finger up at him. Two giggling women have their conversation disturbed and they respond to my stuck up finger in kind. An older man, with salt-and-pepper hair mutters and waves his umbrella at me. Why is he carrying an umbrella anyway -- there isn't a cloud in the sky. If I were to remove my pollution mask and black hood they would all drop to their knees and declare their undying love to His Royal Highness Prince Angus of Covesea Island. A rather embarrassing reaction since the newspapers call me the Royal Oaf and constantly say how much the people of the island hate me.

 

[Juliana]

I agree with Kerry re list, but I think you're still doing it here:

A man in a pin stripe suit tells me where to go in terms that would make a lesser man than myself blush. I stick a finger up at him. Two giggling women have their conversation disturbed and they respond to my stuck up finger in kind. An older man, with salt-and-pepper hair mutters and waves his umbrella at me. Why is he carrying an umbrella anyway -- there isn't a cloud in the sky.

I do like the way you're introducing Angus; would definitely want to make me read more.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Hmm one last go for tonight. I'm thinking skittles for some reason.


I'm a great big geek in a great big glass jar. Twenty million or more people spend their days staring at me through the lens of the media. There are days the lid is on so tight I am suffocating but the only way to escape permanently is to shatter my entire world.

The wheels of my skateboard grind on the pavement. Dad's subjects, the commuters on the way to work and school are skittles and I'm the ball, according to the newspapers all of them hate me anyway. Nothing I do will ever ingratiate me with them so why try? A man in a pinstripe suit gets out of my way, sticking a finger up as he goes. I return the gesture.

"Read all about it. The end of the world is nigh!" a fellow redhead, a religious type in black, yells. I aim for him and laugh as he ducks behind a street food stand. The frying doughnuts smell so good. Kind of wish I'd had breakfast now. Like an automatic weapon stuck on fire the religious type aims a string of curse words that would make a lesser man than myself blush. His sky god damns me to eternal torment -- apparently.

"He's not real you know," I shout back at him.

The doughnut flipper in his candy striped hat grins at me and waves his spatula. He's not much older than me and his acne has me thinking pizza might be good. Really should have had breakfast.

At the corner is a couple, displaying a disgusting amount of public affection. Seriously, the odd kiss is fine but get your hands out her skirt. I rumble past and the women spring apart, muttering and glaring.

"Get a room!"

They raise a fist at my helpful suggestion.

If I remove my pollution mask and black hood they'd all fall to the ground and declare undying fealty to His Royal Highness Prince Angus of Covesea Island and associated territories. Embarrassing for me especially as I know what they really think of me. Satirists don't call me "The Royal Oaf" for nothing.

“Oy!” a security guard starched, suited and booted yells at me from his position in front of the automated revolving doors of Jing-Ore Electrical Company Towers. Crap! He's making chase. I'm not ready to be caught and returned to the prison of the palace, so I put on a spurt and pray to the Universal Father, in whom I do not believe, that I don't fall off. Dad'll be volcanic enough when he discovers I've slipped my guards. He'll fully erupt if I end up in hospital – again.

Between the Jing-Ore Towers and the glass-and-steel skyscraper of the Vesta Automated Mining Company is a narrow alleyway and I manoeuvre down it. I halt the board and get off. I've always wanted to be able to kick it up and catch it but last time I knocked myself out trying. It's ripe down here, homeless occupation, stench of urine and a smell I don't recognise is making my eyes water. Two large bins filled with empty metal canisters will give me a hiding place until the security guard has given up. A body wrapped in a filthy thick plaid blanket already occupies the space in spite of the hot weather it's shivering. Next to it is a cup of Nacl coins which would make getting home easier.

Beneath the folds of the cloth is movement and before I can take my wallet out to exchange the coins for a substantial note I'm assaulted by a tiny wolf-squirrel barking and flapping its leathery wings in my face. The tiny thing is eyeing up my entire six-feet-five frame as though it would make a nice hors d'oeuvres and I'm forced to shield my eyes from its attack before I lose one.

“Gorse, stop that.” A grimy, but attractive face appears from beneath the blanket. “Come here.” The creature retreats to her shoulder and glares at me. She wipes her face with a filthy, shaking arm and squints at me. “Who are you?”

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

A man in a pinstripe suit gets out of my way, sticking a finger up as he goes. I return the gesture.

Much better.

 

[Michael M]

This may seem pedantic, but if the media are highly critical of Angus, then he is unlikely to evoke such deference from the general public. If he is widely viewed as an oaf, then revealing himself, especially after being so obnoxious, would not lead these ordinary folk to fall to their knees. If it is an authoritarian state, then there would be no criticism of a prince in the media. There appears to be a contradiction.

The posting is interesting, with a engaging style and use of language.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

It's a state in transition. Until about four years ago it was authoritarian heavily enforced with capital punishment but Angus's grandfather died and his more slightly more moderate father took over. It was the grandfather who had the press criticise Angus as he wanted him alienated and Angus's sister to be Queen. I'm not sure I can get all that into 500 words

I suppose I could add something like Old habits from my grandfather's reign are taking time to die out. It's one thing to critcise the royal family behind closed doors but out here with everyone watching is another matter.

It just felt a bit infodump so I took it out.

 

[Michael M]

I agree about the infodump, but perhaps this point could be explained later in the story. Sorry, it just struck me as odd for such deference with such scathing media coverage, especially as your posting indicates the criticism might be justified.

I have not read your previous postings, but the meeting between the prince and the girl has potential.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

I agree about the infodump, but perhaps this point could be explained later in the story. Sorry, it just struck me as odd for such deference with such scathing media coverage, especially as your posting indicates the criticism might be justified.

I have not read your previous postings, but the meeting between the prince and the girl has potential.

The rest of the book explains it.

 

[pambaddeley]

Vivid. I would just make a few small, mainly punctuation, suggestions.
Full stop after ball.As he yells at someone in version 2 that he doesn't believe in God, it sounds a bit repetitive to spell out when he actually prays so maybe say the non-existent Universal Father. The sentence about It's ripe down here doesn't quite work with homeless occupation appearing in the catalogue of smells. And it needs a full stop after space, so in spite of is capitalised as a new sentence.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Vivid. I would just make a few small, mainly punctuation, suggestions.
Full stop after ball.As he yells at someone in version 2 that he doesn't believe in God, it sounds a bit repetitive to spell out when he actually prays so maybe say the non-existent Universal Father. The sentence about It's ripe down here doesn't quite work with homeless occupation appearing in the catalogue of smells. And it needs a full stop after space, so in spite of is capitalised as a new sentence.

Thanks. The Universal Father, in whom I do not believe - is a phrase he uses but I'll think about introducing it later.

How about "It's ripe down here. There's evidence of homeless occupation, a stench of urine, maybe some vomit and a smell I cannot identify is making my eyes water."

 

[pambaddeley]

There is a slight scanning problem especially with the last part of the sentence, which is the problem I had with it before.Either the smells are part of the evidence, in which case it needs a colon after occupation. Or maybe they are additional, in which case, a full stop is needed after occupation. But in either case, the last bit doesn't make sense without 'which' after identify

 

[AnyaKimlin]

There is a slight scanning problem especially with the last part of the sentence, which is the problem I had with it before.Either the smells are part of the evidence, in which case it needs a colon after occupation. Or maybe they are additional, in which case, a full stop is needed after occupation. But in either case, the last bit doesn't make sense without 'which' after identify

Evidence of homeless occupation is one of the smells?

There's evidence of unwashed bodies sleeping here on a regular basis, its seeped into the walls and the discarded cardboard boxes; stale urine, strong with alcohol; beer soaked vomit and another smell I can't identify which is making my eyes water.