Should I leave it or change it.

[AnyaKimlin]

Mayhem has gone through many changes and it now takes a couple of books to get Angus to be king. In the first chapter I have three characters that Angus meets (four if you count his new pet). Two of them come in to play and although major are crucial to the first story.

However (it's still in need of a serious edit as I rewrote it this morning):
A young girl in a summer dress, light blue with flowers, sits on the steps. She keeps checking her watch and looking around. I'm bored and I hate being so I take out my PC POCKET to pay Bish-Bash-Bosh. Before I open the app I take a picture of Gorse on my shoulder.

Bish, I hit a black berry and Bosh a green berry now I need a purple… the blobby things splashes on the screen. The bus arrives and I get on. Seatown did away with real bus drivers years ago, the system is all automated. I drop my nacls into the machine and get my ticket. The bus is empty and I sit by myself next to the window. The girl who was sitting on the steps has gone. I wonder if she went inside or got fed up of waiting and left. Gorse curls up against my neck and is snoring before the bus starts again.

As a character the girl in the dress is instrumental in the downfall of one of the antagonists but it now doesn't happen until the second book. I'm unsure whether or not to take it out as this is the point she is kidnapped but until she's rescued nobody knows. Would this be a frustrating loose end?

 

[Loren]

Mayhem has gone through many changes and it now takes a couple of books to get Angus to be king. In the first chapter I have three characters that Angus meets (four if you count his new pet). Two of them come in to play and although major are crucial to the first story.

However (it's still in need of a serious edit as I rewrote it this morning):
A young girl in a summer dress, light blue with flowers, sits on the steps. She keeps checking her watch and looking around. I'm bored and I hate being so I take out my PC POCKET to pay Bish-Bash-Bosh. Before I open the app I take a picture of Gorse on my shoulder.

Bish, I hit a black berry and Bosh a green berry now I need a purple… the blobby things splashes on the screen. The bus arrives and I get on. Seatown did away with real bus drivers years ago, the system is all automated. I drop my nacls into the machine and get my ticket. The bus is empty and I sit by myself next to the window. The girl who was sitting on the steps has gone. I wonder if she went inside or got fed up of waiting and left. Gorse curls up against my neck and is snoring before the bus starts again.

As a character the girl in the dress is instrumental in the downfall of one of the antagonists but it now doesn't happen until the second book. I'm unsure whether or not to take it out as this is the point she is kidnapped but until she's rescued nobody knows. Would this be a frustrating loose end?

I am confused, but if this is a significant character in the current book it is not good to simply leave the reader hanging.

I have a situation where a main character has a resolution at the end of the first book. If you never read the second book the first book appears to tie everything up. It is only reading further into the second book that the character's fate is truly explained.

I lay the seeds of the second book in the first, but I don't leave apparent dangling bits in the first and In my opinion I think the reader expects things to be tidied up that way.

In other words, at the conclusion of the book you expect closure on the main plot, but it's okay if there is room for further elaboration in a later book or hooks that might take the story in a new direction.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

She never appears again in the current book, at present, but I can rescue her with the addition of a chapter - I think.

Her role is to aide the MC in capturing a military base. Then later at the trial of the man who took her, her testimony is crucial. When I first wrote the chapter it was still in the first book but I've changed and expanded the story because a comment (probably throwaway to her) that Jo Zebedee made about three or more years ago that the story was a bit simplistic and that problems were solved a little too easily. Its bothered me since because I knew she was right. But it was only when I changed the nature of the country my MC lives in that I was able to respond properly to the criticism.

The main plot of the story is fully resolved.

 

[TitaniumTi]

I like the idea of recording the point at which the girl is kidnapped, but I think you may need to modify the scene.

Can you add some more immediately relevant element to the scene - girl in foreground and something else significant in the background, for example?

It doesn't seem important enough for the reader to identify it as a loose thread, but it may seem like loose plotting, if nothing important happens.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

I need to record the point as the photograph he takes comes in to play later. And he's able to confirm part of her story later. Would it work better if he took the photograph or maybe videos something Gorse (his wolf squirrel) is doing and she's in the picture or video when he looks at it?

 

[TitaniumTi]

Possibly. It may also work exactly as it is, if the scene has relevance to the current plot.

As a parallel, the opening pages of The Hunger Games, book 1, include a vivid description of Prim's cat, Buttercup, and its interaction with Katniss. Despite a few mentions in Book 2, the cat doesn't play an important role until book 3, when it becomes a symbol, I think, of change and healing.

 

[J5V]

... A young girl in a summer dress, light blue with flowers, sits on the steps. She keeps checking her watch and looking around.

If that's everything you mention about her, then it needs more material to stick. It's not relevant to the MC, it doesn't tie to anything (that I can see yet). It's constructed as an irrelevant background, and I'm not sure if it's smart to mention something then immediately move on; it might register with the reader as "you're being clever with me", or "blah blah...", and spoils the immersion.

So two possible options spring to mind: (1) Show that the girl really intrigues him; (2) Have him take a photo, perhaps building this into his character, taking photos of everything that's vaguely interesting, regardless of whether it's appropriate. You then have the makings of a further scene, where he's triggered to remember in a quieter scene, then calls up the photo for closer inspection. That'll imprint her on him, giving you a plausible recognition scene later on. It's also an opportunity for you to add further "that's funny" observations that he makes, possibly pointing out detail that will be crucial later on, e.g. significant empowered jewellery, and so on.

 

[TitaniumTi]

I agree with J5V. Perhaps the immediately important element of the scene is what the girl symbolises to Angus - freedom? The ability to be herself?

 

[tinkerdan]

If the fact of abduction doesn't come into play then this becomes just a simple scene with a mention of the girl as though she's a prop.

We all remember Chekov's gun- well if we don't it's the simple notion "If in the first act you have hung a pistol on the wall, then in the following one it should be fired. Otherwise don't put it there."

Looked at from that point of view one might ask what the girl is doing there. On the other hand you could always look at it as book one is act one and book two is the next act.

 

[LittleStar]

I like the notion of introducing characters and plots before they become characters and plots, I try to do it as much as I can in my work. For me it shows that the writer has thought about the story more than the next chapter or two, and sets up a solid world building.
This is part of why I have become much more of a planner writer, it allows me to see when characters will become relevant, and gives me opportunities for small cameos, or little Easter eggs almost, that readers can then go back and look over to think 'Ah, I thought I remember the flowery dress girl from somewhere, that's where she got to!' and then get a sense of completeness from the narrative that they didn't know was off. I do think Chekov's gun comes into play, but with something so subtle, as this is/should be etc. then I think it might slip unnoticed until the reveal. But if not, As tink says, the first book could be act one and so on...

That said, I think you need a little more than this extract gives. I don't know if you have done more or not, but I would have some direct interaction. Make her memorable through conversation or something more than just a couple of sentences of description. As it is I wouldn't really equate her with the kidnapped character even having been told.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I think I'd either mention it again (at least twice), expand it or leave it until later.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Just to say that I very much agree with JSV - it would be better to have some sort of significant interaction, rather than have the girl as a background object.

 

[Juliana]

If the fact of abduction doesn't come into play then this becomes just a simple scene with a mention of the girl as though she's a prop.

We all remember Chekov's gun- well if we don't it's the simple notion "If in the first act you have hung a pistol on the wall, then in the following one it should be fired. Otherwise don't put it there."

Looked at from that point of view one might ask what the girl is doing there. On the other hand you could always look at it as book one is act one and book two is the next act.

Yes, this.

And I don't see why you can't have a brief mention or two, say when he's going through his photos and pauses at the one of the girl, but don't attach any real significance. That would work for me; I rather enjoy an a-ha moment later on in a story. But I'd definitely mention her again somehow or else she'll just fade out like a bit of scenery.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Yes, this.

And I don't see why you can't have a brief mention or two, say when he's going through his photos and pauses at the one of the girl, but don't attach any real significance. That would work for me; I rather enjoy an a-ha moment later on in a story. But I'd definitely mention her again somehow or else she'll just fade out like a bit of scenery.

I might go with this. He could simply wonder if she met who she was looking for. There are other girls going missing and maybe I can have him run across her mother.

 

[Zebra Wizard]

I'd say leave it as an easter egg, but its more than likely 99.9% of the people will not link the two together, so i wouldn't force it onto the reader (don't have ther character think something like "thats the person i saw at the bus stop". because people will be very confused.)

If you leave it as it is, the reader will likely blow it off as just some random person, and its probably better to keep it that way for the reasons you mentioned. At that moment of time she isn't important to the plot, and theres no need to jump the gun and make it appear like she is.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

At present I have it jogging his memory and he produces the picture to back up her story. So the moment gets re described. And it's the day his life goes pear-shaped so it's a day the reader should remember even if they don't remember the moment.

 

[J5V]

I'd say leave it as an easter egg, but its more than likely 99.9% of the people will not link the two together, ...

Interesting; so a bonus for re-readers, or those with a good memory. I suppose readers will not be narked unless they invested heavily in the scene (which, in this case, they didn't have opportunity to).

 

[Zebra Wizard]

well the 99.9 is a bit of an exaggeration but it's something easily missed, and is more like a cameo. Because it is more detrimental to put that person from a story perspective than to remove it and introduce her later as it may feel too shoehorned,coincidental or artifical. It seems unnessecary to have her appear so early and then having to re-live that moment because the reader likely forgotten about it.

I'd say its best to keep her purely as an easter egg and let readers pick up on it rather than force-recount that sighting of her, or make her important in that moment. e.g. he approaches her and starts talking and gets her number etc, but never sees her again.