5,000 posts crit (900 words)

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Hex

Write, monkey, write
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Yikes. It's 5,000 posts, and in honour of the tradition, here is something:


Lookouts are the most important part of an army, Da says, as if that's supposed to make me feel better about sitting in a tree while there's fighting in the field below. Sitting in a tree admiring the view of the rolling hills and farmland of central Kursk listening to the others helping our Saranthi attackers with their apparent urge to suicide.

"See anything?" Maken says from somewhere in the shiny green under my feet. He sounds as pleased to be here as I feel.

I squint. "Couple of farmhouses."

"Anything moving?"

"Geese."

"You'd make me die laughing." He struggles through the higher branches and breaks out into the sunshine. He's a big guy, Maken, full grown he'll be as big as Da, and theirs is not a build that takes gracefully to tree-climbing.

I tug a couple of leaves from his silvery hair. "Did you leave any of these on the tree?"

"It doesn't deserve any." He shakes his head, trying to dislodge the rest of them. No chance; they're wedged in his plaits. "Bloody thing poked me with branches all the way up here."

"You go round the branches, not through them."

"There's no space to go round."

"That's because you're getting fat."

I grin down at him and immediately regret it. His smile flickers, as it has a lot recently. With a sinking heart, I wish that I was down in the skirmish where things are straightforward and physical, not in a tree dealing at close quarters with my cousin who has suddenly turned into a stranger. Suddenly turned serious.

"Serka…" His hand shakes, just a little, right next to my knee. God knows what he finds so attractive about the top of my boots or the greaves Da's taken to making me wear.

I bite down a sigh. "Let's not, right now." Let's not do this again. There are only so many ways I can say no without resorting to violence.

"All right." He twists in the leaves, draws his knife and cuts a long strip of bark away from its branch. "But when?"

His question pushes at me. I guess he's not going to respond well to "Never" so I concentrate on the sounds of battle below. On the yells, the clashing of axe on shield, the wet push of opened flesh. I don't need to look to know the Saranthi attackers won't last long. The numbers might be about even, but that says nothing because we're the best mercenaries in the world and the Saranthi are only soldiers.

"Serka?"

I look away from him, back out to the north, the area Reslen and his troop have blocked off.

For an instant, I don't understand what I'm seeing. The geese have scattered. Dark shapes rush through their field.

Horses. Crap.

"Alarm," I yell, fumbling the horn from my belt, and blow the three blasts that will alert everyone to the incoming foe.

The horses rush across the space too fast, and so slowly I can see every strand of hair on every mane rising and falling with their movement. Maken starts swearing, starts sliding downward, branches catching him, tearing his thick jerkin. I spend a moment more watching the battlefield. Approaching like this, the horses will come in behind Da, who's out on his own, just a couple of his jarls with him, vulnerable, with the mass of our group ahead. Each group is concealed from the other by a rise of land. I blow the horn again, and see faces turn, but no one else can see.

sh*t.I scramble downward, climbing over Maken.

Where the hell did those horsemen come from? Where's Reslen?

As I land on the soft earth at the base of the tree, I draw my swords, glance at Maken just behind me, and we both rush towards the rise, pelting over the hummocks of the grass, round the loose bodies tumbled like fruit under the branches.

"Get to the Captain!" Maken bellows as we run past Soraya. She nods, stabs her opponent through the throat and runs with us. Breath whistling, and heart clenching, and fingers so tight round the sword hilt they might be stone, I force myself faster. We crest the rise in time to catch the end of the horsemen's charge, the crazed flashing legs and chests and huge heads of the chargers, the lowered weapons of their riders.

Da's still standing; Ottan is down.

I catch a blade on my own, twist it outward, and stab with the short sword in my left hand, up under the rider's arm. A heave, and I drop him in the dirt, block another swinging sword and this time, Maken slices into the rider's neck. Blood splatters over both of us. I wipe my eyes on the back of my wrist and push forward. The dense bodies of horses block my view of my father. The horsemen are turning, milling, not using the weight and the speed of their mounts to advantage. Fine. Milling horses are vulnerable. I drop a couple without stopping. Hear the crunch of axe on mail as Maken ends the riders behind me. Carve a road through the screaming mass. Beside me Soraya is breathing hard, but not slowing. We can't. Can't slow until we've reached Da.
 
Congrats on your 5000 post!
It's very good, engaging, well written. A couple of things that drew my attenion :
"Bloody thing poked me with branches all the way up here."

"You go round the branches, not through them."

"There's no space to go round."

"That's because you're getting fat."

To me, it felt like too much easy small talk for a situation when there's an actual battle going on around them. Makes the battle seem like something not serious, the danger not real.

Suddenly turned serious.
Seemed redundand to me.
 
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Lookouts are the most important part of an army, Da says, as if that's supposed to make me feel better about sitting in a tree while there's fighting in the field below. Sitting in a tree admiring the view of the rolling hills and farmland of central Kursk listening to the others helping our Saranthi attackers with their apparent urge to suicide.

The one thing that throws me is that these people are apparently sat on the edge of a battlefield, with no apparent sense of tension. The exchange feels too calm too me. Even if there's a belief in overwhelming superiority, my personal expectation would be that they would still be alert and looking for unexpected danger, whatever that might be - and certainly pumped with a degree of adrenaline and the effects of that.

Otherwise, a good piece.

2c.
 
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I agree that the narrator is too casual during a battle. This young woman (?) is only alerted to the danger facing her father with the arrival of the horses. I suspect she would be concerned for her father if he was fighting in the midst of the battle. The shift from complacency to fear is too swift.

Once they are out of the tree the pace and the language of the battle scenes are strong, but the text in the tree is not a great opening.
 
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I have to disagree with some of the opinions above (most respectfully!). What I saw was two young people, perhaps only teenagers, who have already been exposed to battle and death. I think the sort of small talk you have written fitted very well for me. I feel they could well be used to the sounds of battle and the risks entailed, plus they're convinced their people have a big advantage in the field, so I wouldn't be a bit surprised to hear that sort of conversation. Sometimes light-hearted chat is the way people deal with the possibility of imminent death in the battlefield -- read the popular Sharpe series by Bernard Cornwell for an example of how well it can work. This feels much the same: talking about anything except their fear.

I really liked this piece. The two main characters spoke easily and with a sort of dark-ish humour that appealed to me, and the atmosphere changes beautifully when Serka spots the horses, her shock coming through strongly. The short battle scene is even better than the great dialogue.

"You'd make me die laughing."

This is the only phrase that didn't quite work for me. Not entirely sure how to improve it, but I know you'll find a way if it needs it!

Oh, and congratulations on 5,000 posts. Wow. 5,000!!!
 
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I really like this, Hex (and congrats on the 5000). And I agree with Kerry; since this is obviously not their first skirmish, that sort of small talk fits in just fine. Just a couple of things; is this the start of your story? Because if so, it's not immediately clear if the narrator is a girl or a boy (I thought boy at first and then changed my mind at the flirtation bit).

Also, this bit was a tiny bit confusing for me as to whether they were fighting with or against the Saranthi. But that might just be me...

listening to the others helping our Saranthi attackers with their apparent urge to suicide.
 
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Nicely written but I felt it needed more tension and less possible necking. I also got mildly pulled out by the drip feed of description - silvery hair, size, plaits....
 
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Check. Thank you, all. I will underlie the familiarity/ tension. I was actually more worried about the second half since I haven't written a battle before!
 
Congrats on 5,000!

Is this a beginning? I tend not to get drawn in to battles at the very starts of stories unless there's something very interesting about it, and here there's nothing stand-out unusual about the MC or the enemy. In such a case, I'd get more engaged with a build-up, I think. Or even an aftermath. But that's just me. And having said that, I can't find much fault with the writing of the scene. Maybe a bit more tension during the first half. Serka is clearly confident that their side will win, but even so, there are likely to be casualties, possibly including Da -- nothing can be ruled out in a battle. And the first paragraph feels very blase.

Is Serka male or female? It wasn't clear to me (but I might have missed something).

"Kursk" in the context of a battle made me immediately think WWII, and it took me a while to reorient myself.
 
Yes, Kursk may be a bit obviously stolen from Russia...

Righto. Clarity and tension. I'm on it.

(and yes, this is a beginning, although I have other candidates).
 
Good work Hex.

A couple questions that come to mind:

Why are they in a tree. Is it the largest tree around and why are they both in the same tree and just what is their job besides lookout.
That the two are packed in one tree and that only one at first can see much of anything is almost a mystery. I could buy that she was up and he was on the ground ready as a runner to give the alarm where needed. But then there is the horn for some sort of warning so maybe they should have both been in trees separately; but then we'd lose all the repartee.

The horses rush across the space too fast, and so slowly I can see every strand of hair on every mane rising and falling with their movement.

This threw me off. Can they be both too fast and so slow?

I think this almost begs to have another word ::too fast and yet so slowly:: . I intrinsically know it means something like ::

The horses rush across the space too fast, yet I see every strand of hair on every mane rising and falling with their movement as though their motions were somehow slow and strangely beautiful.
 
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On Tinkerdan's point (good catch), I'm not sure Serka's commenting on the apparent slowness is helpful or realistic -- isn't it only afterwards that people realise time seemed to slow down? It also makes her seem as interested in her way of perceiving it as in what's actually happening. I'd maybe just replace "and so slowly" with "yet".
 
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That the two are packed in one tree and that only one at first can see much of anything is almost a mystery. I could buy that she was up and he was on the ground ready as a runner

That's what I first thought was going on. Until I realized he was in the tree with her. But he could easily be on the ground and just reach up and touch her boot.
 
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5000 posts: I'm in awe!

Wondered re if they are bantering teens used to battle that at least one of them might be annoyed at having to be lookouts and missing the action, so their talk would be around that rather than the current rather distanced non involvement? I do agree also that it is odd that they are in the same tree unless the boy was meant to climb another but has defied orders to try his luck with her?
 
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As others have commented, the opening seems out of character for the scene, but I have never been in combat.

I do know seasoned warriors will act a bit contrary to what you might expect in such scenarios.

My advice would be to talk to people who have experienced actual combat and ask them about the demeanor of the troops while waiting for battle.

Keep in mind that soldiers today are highly trained. That doesn't mean that soldiers of long ago were not trained hard, but they were trained differently. Most recruits had nothing in the way of education and could not read or write. Some spoke different languages.

You might want to do some historical research on battle techniques to get a flavor of how past warriors conducted themselves, if you haven't already.

Congratulations on 5,000+ posts!
 
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I thoroughly enjoyed this, and thought it was a very good piece of writing. Will this form part of something you're working on (I'd certainly want to read more about the characters) or was it just for fun?
 
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