First 500+ words

[Lex E. Darion]

Ok, here goes.

I have no idea how my writing comes across to other people. I've had some feedback but you can never have too much input so I'll post the beginning of my novel here.

*Clambers into amour and hides in a corner to start the rocking early*
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Charlie brushed the last few pieces of dirt away from the skull. From her kneeling position, she rocked back onto her feet to admire her handiwork. Although it could be long and laborious, this was her favourite part of the job and this specimen had the potential of being a particularly interesting case. She reached over and moved her finds tray nearer before picking up the cranial fragments. As her fingers wrapped around the first piece she felt a jolt, and then darkness.


Inhaling deeply, she almost choked. Dung. After a more tentative breath, through her nostrils to provide some filtration, she determined more than one type of dung. Ears straining, she tried to find familiar and reassuring noises: the constant throng of traffic, the wail of distant sirens and the cacophony of people talking, but the only sounds were bird song, rustling leaves and moving animals. That explains the stench, she thought.

“Are you alright?” a female voice called out from a distance.

“I think so.” Charlie stood. “Where am I?” She spun a full three hundred and sixty degrees to take in the scene. “I-I don’t understand.” To add to her confusion, she realised that the words coming out of her mouth were not English, not that she had any idea what language they were.

“Have you banged your head? Come to the house and Ma will attend you,” shouted the stranger as she hobbled up the field towards her.

Charlie looked beyond the girl, who appeared to be in her late teens, to the house. Her mouth fell open. This must be a joke.

She grinned as she looked around. “Am I on one of those candid camera type shows?” Her smile soon dissipated at the girl’s blank face.

“You use funny words. You’re not talking sense. I really think you need to be looked over. I can get Kael to visit.”

The girl walked towards the house but Charlie found herself rooted to the spot, mouth agog. Although she had no idea what words this stranger was saying, Charlie understood every one. The teenager doubled back and with a hand on her elbow guided her across the field.

“You’re not from these parts are you?” asked the girl. “I know everyone who lives around here and I’ve not seen you before. What are you doing here?”

“Er, no I can’t say I am from here.” Charlie swallowed her nerves. “Where is here exactly? My name’s Charlie, by the way.”

“Charlie? I’ve not heard that name. You must be from Verulamium. Those Romans have strange new ways.” ‘Romans’ was said with such venom Charlie was surprised she hadn’t physically spat. “What are you doing here?” Her tone hardened as she repeated the question.

“I, er, I got lost and wandered into your field. Please don’t think I’m a threat. I’m really not. I’m so confused as to where I am.”

“I’m Isolda,” said the girl as she looked Charlie up and down with narrow eyes, “and this is my family’s farm. It takes the first portion of the sun’s journey to walk to the nearest village and back, and Verulamium is about a whole sun’s walk away, but you must know that, otherwise how did you get here?”

 

[Droflet]

A few nits but for a first effort none to shabby. I could nit pick but I'll leave that to others. You have a deft touch. Well done. Now, get back to work.

 

[Lex E. Darion]

Thanks very much This is far from a first effort lol and I do hope people will nit-pick as I want it to be the best it can be - but thanks for the positive words. I shall get right back to it

*Contemplates to self about being careful what I wish for ....*

 

[Brian G Turner]

Charlie brushed the last few pieces of dirt away from the skull. Not a bad opening sentence, and it opens all sorts of possibilities for intrigue From her kneeling position, she rocked back onto her feet to admire her handiwork. Although it could be long and laborious, this was her favourite part of the job and this specimen had the potential of being a particularly interesting case why was it interesting? You're in danger of sounding generic here - ie, not so believable - rather than specific. Be aware that a lot of fantasy readers may well know a thing about archaeology. She reached over and moved her finds tray nearer before picking up the cranial fragments. As her fingers wrapped around the first piece she felt a jolt, and then darkness. Intriguing!


Inhaling deeply, she almost choked. Dung. Eh? After a more tentative breath, through her nostrils to provide some filtration, she determined more than one type of dung. Ears straining, she tried to find familiar and reassuring noises: the constant throng of traffic, the wail of distant sirens and the cacophony of people talking, but the only sounds were bird song, rustling leaves and moving animals. That explains the stench, she thought. I'm confused as to why you've made dung such a big issue in association with cranial fragments. You provide no explanation, and I struggle to make sense of why this should be the case.

“Are you alright?” a female voice called out from a distance.

“I think so.” Charlie stood. “Where am I?” She spun a full three hundred and sixty degrees to take in the scene. “I-I don’t understand.” To add to her confusion, she realised that the words coming out of her mouth were not English, not that she had any idea what language they were.

And now you've done a random time jump, without establishing either character or setting. Might work for a middle grade story, but if you're aiming at adult fantasy then L. Sprague de Camp could get aware with this in the 1950's, but modern readers will expect a little more story first. What you've written is the equivalent of "Luke Skywalker woke up to check the droids, when of a sudden he found himself on the Death Star." See what I mean?

 

[Lex E. Darion]

Thanks for the green bits

From her kneeling position, she rocked back onto her feet to admire her handiwork. Although it could be long and laborious, this was her favourite part of the job and this specimen had the potential of being a particularly interesting case why was it interesting? You're in danger of sounding generic here - ie, not so believable - rather than specific. Be aware that a lot of fantasy readers may well know a thing about archaeology.

Why it is interesting is highlighted later as it's one of the main plot points. I was going for the 'intriguing' angle here - obviously failed!
(P.S I have a degree in archaeology and specialised in human remains )


[/QUOTE] Inhaling deeply, she almost choked. Dung. Eh? After a more tentative breath, through her nostrils to provide some filtration, she determined more than one type of dung. Ears straining, she tried to find familiar and reassuring noises: the constant throng of traffic, the wail of distant sirens and the cacophony of people talking, but the only sounds were bird song, rustling leaves and moving animals. That explains the stench, she thought. I'm confused as to why you've made dung such a big issue in association with cranial fragments. You provide no explanation, and I struggle to make sense of why this should be the case.

And now you've done a random time jump, without establishing either character or setting. Might work for a middle grade story, but if you're aiming at adult fantasy then L. Sprague de Camp could get aware with this in the 1950's, but modern readers will expect a little more story first. What you've written is the equivalent of "Luke Skywalker woke up to check the droids, when of a sudden he found himself on the Death Star." See what I mean? [/QUOTE]

Many thanks for taking the time to reply.

When it all goes dark, that is when she time jumps. The dung aspect was there as it was (supposed) to be in contrast to modern life but I realise this lacks clarification. I assumed (yes, I know = ass....) that people would know she was contemporary (it's in the blurb!). It had been pointed out a couple of times that it needed more grounding but more said it was ok :/

Thank you-thank you- thank you for your comment about MG - I had an earlier version of this on another crit site and someone had put that it seemed YA/MG but I couldn't understand for the life of me why! Thank you for explaining - it had been bothering me for ages!

 

[The Judge]

I didn't mind the abruptness of the time-jump as such (and I'm presuming it's very far from random), though on a first quick read it was perhaps unnecessarily confusing, which is the last thing you want on the first page, but I do think you've missed a trick by making it so sudden. If she's been transported to a completely different place, then there's little point in giving us lots of detail of the site itself ie of the land. If not, that is, if the time jump is back to exactly the same location but just c2,000 years ago, then showing us what the landscape around her is like before she jumps is going to help far more when we see what it's like afterwards. In any event, I think a paragraph just giving some info of what's going on around her would help, so as she sits up on her heels she sees Jamie measuring a pit, or washing some potsherds, while Fred is doing something noisy. What you want is to be able to contrast where she is after the jump with where she ought to be. You try to do this by listing things that are missing afterwards, but since we've not seen/heard those things, it's not having the same effect. And for me, it's a total cop-out for her to see the house and realise she's not in Kansas any more, Toto, but not have the detail of the house given to us so we can see it and understand it for ourselves.

Anyway, my thoughts, for what they are worth. Firstly, I'm no archaeologist, so if you are and I'm talking out the back of my head, apologies, but I really can't credit that she would be picking up cranial fragments when she's only just cleared the soil away. Don't they record things in great detail for any kind of find? In which case I'd expect her to be drawing the position of the skull pieces. And aren't human remains accorded a great deal of care? Would she really be alone when she starts dismembering the skeleton? And to get back to the setting, is it a full skeleton, or just the skull, and if a skeleton, male, female, grown, child, in what position -- prone, supine, twisted, knife through its ribs? We don't want endless description, but a few words would be good. Doubtless we will see the skull's original owner sooner or later, so knowing its general characteristics will add an element of involvement as we read and try and identify who it is and what happens to him/her.

Secondly, after the jump you have her smelling things before anything else. Unless she is blinded at that moment (eg her eyes are shut, or something's over her face), I'd be surprised if that is the first sense in operation. We're visual creatures, not olfactory-oriented ones, so her first sense is far more likely to be sight -- so unless she is still looking down into an excavated pit holding a skeleton, why isn't she telling us what she sees? If the stench is incredible, then it might edge above hearing, especially if there is relative silence here, but I still find it hard to believe she'd be able to analyse separate types of dung just on a quick sniff, unless she has a hyper-sensitive sense of smell. I actually have a character who has such a sense so I'm quite open to the idea, but if she's normal like the rest of us, she'd just smell it as sh*t and not want to analyse it any further! And she hears moving animals, but doesn't see them? And that explains the stench, as if it's perfectly normal to suddenly find oneself in a field of cows, who would not look like your average herd of Friesians?

More importantly we have no idea how she has woken after the jump. Is she still on her knees? You have "She stood" but that's easily missed, and there's nothing else. And I've no idea if she's still holding the brush/trowel she had beforehand, nor whether she is still dressed as she was -- if she is, why doesn't the other woman remark on it, and if she isn't why doesn't she think "Where the **** are my jeans?" Allied with this, I don't credit her reaction to anything that happens. The "Where am I?" I've always thought to be a false note when someone comes round from unconsciousness, and I'm afraid it doesn't help here, not as a spoken question. I think you need to inhabit her a good bit more, see what she sees, and feel as she feels -- all the shock and disbelief and rising panic. By the way, what year is this set -- the opening, I mean -- and how old is she? Would a youngster of today know about candid camera? And even if a young woman would, how the hell does she think she's been transported somewhere so they can show her reaction?!

I'm also not convinced by the other woman's reaction to a total stranger there, or indeed by the whole setting. I know very little of life before and during the Roman invasion, but would one family really own a farm, and be placed some hours walk from the nearest village? Where do they sell their spare produce? What if they are attacked by lawless men?

I can understand why others might think this is YA/MG, and to my mind it's because it's a little too simple, bordering on the simplistic. There's no depth of emotion here -- hardly any emotion at all, indeed -- or adult insight/reactions.

Sorry this sounds so negative. I'm not damning by faint praise when I say you've mastered punctuation and grammar which, believe me, puts you ahead of a good many who are writing (and publishing...) books, and you clearly know what you're doing. I think what you have here gives you a solid base from which to progress, but in my view -- and I must stress this is only my view, of course -- it needs some work to reach its full potential. For me, that work would start by your getting much closer to Charlie, and bringing some depth into the writing, which I'm sure you're well able to do.

Good luck with it!


EDIT: just read your edited-to-add comments on Brian's post, so I repeat my apologies for talking out the back of my head about the archaeology!

 

[Lex E. Darion]

Many thanks for taking the time to comment

Anyway, my thoughts, for what they are worth. Firstly, I'm no archaeologist, so if you are and I'm talking out the back of my head, apologies, but I really can't credit that she would be picking up cranial fragments when she's only just cleared the soil away. Don't they record things in great detail for any kind of find? In which case I'd expect her to be drawing the position of the skull pieces.

Holy moley!! Do you know I hadn't even thought about that here . . .later in the story I have Charlie recording the skeleton before she can remove it, and they have problems via the Ministry of Justice which stops her being able to to this (as is protocol) but it totally slipped my mind here that she was removing bits!! Aggghhhh!!! Poopdidoop. How can something so glaringly obvious pass you by?! Doh! Thanks for this.

nor whether she is still dressed as she was -- if she is, why doesn't the other woman remark on it, and if she isn't why doesn't she think "Where the **** are my jeans?" Allied with this, I don't credit her reaction to anything that happens.

You are right here - but it does come out later that this - or something similar - has happened before, so she might not react as strongly as someone else but still, it is lacking. Plus the clothing thing comes up next. I had problems deciding what to focus on at this point as everything seemed to need saying at the same point!!

I can understand why others might think this is YA/MG, and to my mind it's because it's a little too simple, bordering on the simplistic. There's no depth of emotion here -- hardly any emotion at all, indeed -- or adult insight/reactions.

I have thought something along those lines myself but couldn't quite pin point what the problem was. Think you've nailed it. Problem is, how do I 'adult' it up - make it more complex? Think I'm going to struggle with this one

I'm not damning by faint praise when I say you've mastered punctuation and grammar which, believe me, puts you ahead of a good many who are writing (and publishing...) books, and you clearly know what you're doing.

Aw shucks thanks muchly!

There sure is more to this writing malarkey than first meets one's eye!

 

[Loren]

I also felt her reemergence to consciousness was a little off. I would have expected her eyes to flutter open. Perhaps she is blinded by the daylight and not able to focus. The stench would be the next thing to strike her, evoking a repulsive reaction, then as her eyes adjusted the sights and sounds would be next.

I am assuming she is prone when she recovers? If I were in her pose I would probably be looking around either before I got up or while standing. I could see someone calling out to me distracting my surveillance, but I suspect instinctively one would immediately want to check for danger and thus look about. After all, she just had something happen where she lost consciousness. I could be wrong here, but that is my gut feel.

When your character says this must be a joke I was waiting to see why. The reason for her discord is never revealed. Darn! What did she see? I think the reader needs to know what she found so extraordinary. You have teased us, but never gave us the promised reward, in my opinion.

The Candid Camera reference is cool in that you are trying to express a modernism that the other girl finds foreign, but it doesn't seem to fit here. That is, if that was your intent.

There are many other ways you could play that card that would be more natural. Candid Camera is a pretty old show and I seriously doubt anyone in her situation would suddenly feel like someone was playing an elaborate prank on her. That presumes she has even the slightest recollection of what she was doing prior to her reawakening.

If anything, your character would most likely question if she was dreaming - yet the dream is so vivid and real to her, which would accelerate the sense of anxiety of the moment.

 

[Lex E. Darion]

I also felt her reemergence to consciousness was a little off. I would have expected her eyes to flutter open. Perhaps she is blinded by the daylight and not able to focus. The stench would be the next thing to strike her, evoking a repulsive reaction, then as her eyes adjusted the sights and sounds would be next.

I am assuming she is prone when she recovers? If I were in her pose I would probably be looking around either before I got up or while standing. I could see someone calling out to me distracting my surveillance, but I suspect instinctively one would immediately want to check for danger and thus look about. After all, she just had something happen where she lost consciousness. I could be wrong here, but that is my gut feel.

When your character says this must be a joke I was waiting to see why. The reason for her discord is never revealed. Darn! What did she see? I think the reader needs to know what she found so extraordinary. You have teased us, but never gave us the promised reward, in my opinion.

The Candid Camera reference is cool in that you are trying to express a modernism that the other girl finds foreign, but it doesn't seem to fit here. That is, if that was your intent.

There are many other ways you could play that card that would be more natural. Candid Camera is a pretty old show and I seriously doubt anyone in her situation would suddenly feel like someone was playing an elaborate prank on her. That presumes she has even the slightest recollection of what she was doing prior to her reawakening.

If anything, your character would most likely question if she was dreaming - yet the dream is so vivid and real to her, which would accelerate the sense of anxiety of the moment.

Thanks for your input and time, it's much appreciated

I can see I need to work on her reactions a lot more. I think I've confused her age - she's 28 but you're right, Candid Camera is too old a show and it wouldn't be the first thing she thinks of. Not sure of any modern day similar shows - will have to have another think on that one.

As mentioned above, this has happened before - she's been convinced the last one was an hallucination though, so I should probably make more of that aspect of it and not skim over it so easily.

Thanks again

 

[The Judge]

Holy moley!! Do you know I hadn't even thought about that here . . .later in the story I have Charlie recording the skeleton before she can remove it, and they have problems via the Ministry of Justice which stops her being able to to this (as is protocol) but it totally slipped my mind here that she was removing bits!! Aggghhhh!!! Poopdidoop. How can something so glaringly obvious pass you by?! Doh! Thanks for this.

Glad it wasn't such a stupid remark as I feared! If you need her to hold the fragment, I can't help you, other than to suggest it's stuck to a stone she lifts (not sure how realistic that is) but if you just need her to touch the skull, then perhaps she can inadvertently slip forward and her hand brushes it? (If she is holding the fragment, then again, make sure you tell us if she's still holding it when she emerges.)

You are right here - but it does come out later that this - or something similar - has happened before, so she might not react as strongly as someone else but still, it is lacking. Plus the clothing thing comes up next. I had problems deciding what to focus on at this point as everything seemed to need saying at the same point!!

If it's happened before, then something like a "Oh no, not again..." would be enough -- that is itself immediately intriguing, but also means you can be more relaxed about the other things as she's undergone them before. Otherwise, I'd take it in order eg something like:

The trench had gone. She was still on her knees, the fragment of bone in her hand, but grass all around her. Grass splattered with cow pats and sheep dung. She held herself still, trying to make sense of what she saw and smelled. And heard, or didn't hear. No coughing from the landrover's engine, no tuneless whistling from Jamie, no crackle of Fred's crisp packet. Instead only bird song and the lowing of cattle. She raised her head. Cattle, moving towards her. White long-horns. Beyond them a field enclosure. No tents, no cars, no people, no ropes. [ie the kind of things you had her see before the jump]

Then I'd have her jump up and realise her clothes are different and how, then she turns full circle and sees the house, which I'd describe as she would (eg a long house, roundhouse or whatever, with a roof of straw/reed/whatever thatch) and only then introduce the new character walking towards her. NB You'll have noticed in my version, I've used lots of short sentences and fragments. That's upping the tension (well, that's the intention!) and reflecting her fragmentary thoughts as she tries to get to grips with the situation.

I have thought something along those lines myself but couldn't quite pin point what the problem was. Think you've nailed it. Problem is, how do I 'adult' it up - make it more complex?

Add a few expletives! Seriously, I think that will come as you get into her thoughts and emotions. You're an adult (though undoubtedly young in heart if perhaps not in physical age ) so ask yourself what you would think and feel, and get that down. Then when it's written, think about how best to express it, and use different writerly techniques, like variation of sentence length, like imagery. Above all, just write and write.

There sure is more to this writing malarkey than first meets one's eye!

Tell me about it!

 

[barrett1987]

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Charlie brushed the last few pieces of dirt away from the skull. From her kneeling position, she rocked back onto her feet to and admired her handiwork. Although it could be long and laborious, this was her favourite part of the job and this specimen had the potential of being a particularly interesting case. She reached over and moved her finds tray nearer before picking up the cranial fragments. As her fingers wrapped around the first piece she felt a jolt, and then darkness.
Hmmn. i'm not sure i like the darkness, time jump so quickly, shame cause i like the opening line.

Inhaling deeply, she almost choked. Dung. After a more tentative breath, through her nostrils to provide some filtration, she determined more than one type of dung. Ears straining, she tried to find familiar and reassuring noises: the constant throng of traffic, the wail of distant sirens and the cacophony of people talking, but the only sounds were bird song, rustling leaves and moving animals. That explains the stench, she thought.

“Are you alright?” a female voice called out from a distance.

“I think so.” Charlie stood. “Where am I?” She spun a full three hundred and sixty degrees to take in the scene. “I-I don’t understand.” To add to her confusion, she realised that the words coming out of her mouth were not English, not that she had any idea what language they were.

“Have you banged your head? Come to the house and Ma will attend you,” shouted the stranger as she hobbled up the field towards her. We are lacking a real image at this stage, the elements are coming out of nowhere. I actually assumed she'd been in a cave in at the start...

Charlie looked beyond the girl, who appeared to be in her late teens, to the house. Her mouth fell open. This must be a joke.

She grinned as she looked around. “Am I on one of those candid camera type shows?” Her smile soon dissipated at the girl’s blank face.

Because of the distance from the main pov, the scene lacks impact. As a reader you want me to feel her confusion and horror. Instead i feel confusion about what's going on because its being written vaguely rather than confusion or mystery. You use a lot of telling like ''to add to her confusion'' when a decent show like the jaw hanging open or a frown would do the same but engage the reader more. You can improve your descriptions when she ''wakes up'' to ground the reader in more than just dung.

 

[barrett1987]

Not sure of any modern day similar shows - will have to have another think on that one. = Punk'd by Ashton Kutcher.

 

[Jackie Bee]

I liked this piece.Intriguing and nicely written. I certainly would have continued reading. I agree with those who said that describing what she sees around after the time jump could improve it. Also,

It takes the first portion of the sun’s journey to walk to the nearest village and back, and Verulamium is about a whole sun’s walk away, but you must know that, otherwise how did you get here?

- this paragraph sounds like the character is needlessly telling the things she knows (and assumes that Charlie knows, too) just to inform the reader-a little too obvious. Apart fom that, it read pretty well for me!

 

[Lex E. Darion]

I think the best thing I can do is totally re-write it. At the moment I've been going through the MS and seeing lots of passive voice but I'm really just changing whats there and not writing it new so it's not really improving it.

Ofc - I've got the glaring plot-hole to sort out first that TJ pointed out as this affects the entire thing -

Thanks barrett1987 and Jackie Bee for your comments

 

[Martin Robert]

Looks like you're in good hands. What a "finds tray" by the way?

 

[Lex E. Darion]

Looks like you're in good hands. What a "finds tray" by the way?

Only healing hands here

A finds tray is just a plastic tray that archaeologists use to put objects that they've found while excavating. Watch Time Team - they have them everywhere The 'finds' - bone, coins, pot sherds, tile etc - then go to the 'finds' shed to be washed and assessed properly.

 

[Michael M]

An interesting idea. My main point would be that you do not give us a sufficient introduction before Charlie travels in time. I would give us a few more sentences, perhaps a few paragraphs to introduce the character and then she begins her journey. I feel the jump to Roman times is just slightly too early in the novel. I also agree that those first sentences after the jump are slightly weak, but once Charlie and the girl are talking the pace, the style and the dialogue are very good.

This has great potential, so I am not sure a complete rewrite is necessary.

Good luck

 

[Lex E. Darion]

Thanks Michael M, that's very kind of you to say so. I said a re-write because in edits I was just tightening up what was there, which improved it but not to its full potential. I think, for certain parts anyway, that I'd be better deleting and starting again. I started this MS a year ago and my writing has improved since then (I hope) so if I wrote it from scratch now it would be better. Thanks for taking the time to review and comment

 

[Appello]

An interesting idea. My main point would be that you do not give us a sufficient introduction before Charlie travels in time. I would give us a few more sentences, perhaps a few paragraphs to introduce the character and then she begins her journey. I feel the jump to Roman times is just slightly too early in the novel. I also agree that those first sentences after the jump are slightly weak, but once Charlie and the girl are talking the pace, the style and the dialogue are very good.

This has great potential, so I am not sure a complete rewrite is necessary.

Good luck

I would actually go further and say you need at least a chapter, ie. 2000-5000 words in the 'present' to set the scene and build sufficient character developments to ensure the reader is invested in the protagonist's journey.

OP, have you heard of the 'Outlander' series by Diana Gabaldon? It gets a bit ridiculous in later books but the first is a good example of character building and scene setting before a time jump (in this case, back to 1700s Scotland) that draws the reader in and makes them want to continue reading. There are hints and foreshadowing that time travel is going to occur from the very start, but the author takes the time (2 chapters) to develop Claire's personality and relationships and the setting of the Scottish Highlands before this occurs, which makes it infinitely more enjoyable when the time travel does happen because we as readers are already emotionally invested in her journey.

Just my 2 cents

 

[Lex E. Darion]

I would actually go further and say you need at least a chapter, ie. 2000-5000 words in the 'present' to set the scene and build sufficient character developments to ensure the reader is invested in the protagonist's journey.

OP, have you heard of the 'Outlander' series by Diana Gabaldon? It gets a bit ridiculous in later books but the first is a good example of character building and scene setting before a time jump (in this case, back to 1700s Scotland) that draws the reader in and makes them want to continue reading. There are hints and foreshadowing that time travel is going to occur from the very start, but the author takes the time (2 chapters) to develop Claire's personality and relationships and the setting of the Scottish Highlands before this occurs, which makes it infinitely more enjoyable when the time travel does happen because we as readers are already emotionally invested in her journey.

Just my 2 cents

Hi Appello. Thanks for taking the time to comment.

Yes, I have read Outlander. I think that needed a chapter for us to get to know Claire's 'modern' day persona as when she went back in time, she stayed there. In my MS she's back and forth throughout the book so the reader can find out Charlie's contemporary details as time goes along.

I will add more scene setting to begin with as it seems it is needed and will bear your point in mind.