Sentence Structure Question

[Loren]

I am hoping some grammar scholars out there might help me with sentence structure.

I all but utterly failed English in high school as I hated it. It wasn't until college that I started taking it seriously. Actually, I must credit email for my conversion. After reading so much of it I have become convinced that this is the very reason why extraterrestrial life has not contacted us.

I'm sorry for that diversion, so I come to my point.

I am finding that I am using a form of sentence structure that doesn't seem grammatically wrong (My grammar is by the seat of my pants), but I am unsure if it is perceived well or not. Here is a specific example:

She studied her face, finalizing her makeup, making every detail perfect, trying to erase the works of time.

It's not an incomplete sentence, but the punctuation seems a little less than traditional. For me it seems to work in the right instances, but I might be fooling myself.

 

[HareBrain]

This is what some of us call an "andless" list (I don't know if it has a technical name). Normally a list ends with "and" before the last elements, such as:

She studied her face, finalizing her makeup, making every detail perfect and trying to erase the works of time.

You've done the list without the "and", which is quite a common technique these days. The only problem is that it can seem to end abruptly because the reader is expecting the end to be flagged with "and". It's best saved for when you want to seem abrupt and jerky. There's nothing wrong with the punctuation as such.

Note, though, that it contains four elements of about the same length, which makes it feel repetitive. (Replacing the last comma with "and" prevents this here.)

 

[Ursa major]

I can't see anything wrong with that sentence in terms of the grammar (if only because I don't really mind "andless" sentences, perhaps because I find myself using them).

However, there is something wrong with the logic. She's either studying her face, or doing something about its appearance, but not both together. Using those present participles indicates simultaneous action. So she can

finalize her makeup, making every detail perfect, trying to erase the works of time.

because, in this case, they are all part and parcel of the same activity. Depending on how long, and complex, the finalizing is, she could

finalize her makeup, in turns studying her face and making every detail perfect, trying to erase the works of time

but that would be a bit of a stretch, in my opinion (no pun intended...).

 

[Loren]

This is what some of us call an "andless" list (I don't know if it has a technical name). Normally a list ends with "and" before the last elements, such as:

She studied her face, finalizing her makeup, making every detail perfect and trying to erase the works of time.

You've done the list without the "and", which is quite a common technique these days. The only problem is that it can seem to end abruptly because the reader is expecting the end to be flagged with "and". It's best saved for when you want to seem abrupt and jerky. There's nothing wrong with the punctuation as such.

Note, though, that it contains four elements of about the same length, which makes it feel repetitive. (Replacing the last comma with "and" prevents this here.)

Okay, I find it as a mechanism to adding some tension to the scene, but was not sure if it was a good way to do that. It feels like a nervous or anxious cadence to it.

I can't see anything wrong with that sentence in terms of the grammar (if only because I don't really mind "andless" sentences, perhaps because I find myself using them).

However, there is something wrong with the logic. She's either studying her face, or doing something about its appearance, but not both together. Using those present participles indicates simultaneous action. So she can because, in this case, they are all part and parcel of the same activity. Depending on how long, and complex, the finalizing is, she could but that would be a bit of a stretch, in my opinion (no pun intended...).

That's a good catch. It was not a good example on my part, but it looks like I may have serendipitously created a new lesson in grammar for myself.

Thanks!

 

[tinkerdan]

You could go with this.
After finalizing her makeup, making every detail perfect and trying to erase the works of time, she studied her face.

Except that it's uncertain which way this is occurring and it could be either of the below.

She studied her face, after finalizing her makeup, making every detail perfect and trying to erase the works of time.

She studied her face, before finalizing her makeup, making every detail perfect and trying to erase the works of time.
[But this has the jarring effect of either two separate actions or that she is making things perfect only in her mind.]

However you might get away with.

She studied her face, while finalizing her makeup, making every detail perfect and trying to erase the works of time.

(If she's multitasking.)

If you are deliberately messing with the flow of your prose for some specific effect, the way you have it, then it works as it is. For me it gives the feeling that it is something mundane and perhaps repetitive as mentioned.

What I mean is...
She studied her face, finalizing her makeup, making every detail perfect, trying to erase the works of time.
...might bring to mind a novice perhaps trying without enthusiasm and perhaps not quite getting it right.

While..
She studied her face, finalizing her makeup, making every detail perfect and trying to erase the works of time.
...brings to mind an artist.

This is just me though.

 

[Loren]

You could go with this.
After finalizing her makeup, making every detail perfect and trying to erase the works of time, she studied her face.

Except that it's uncertain which way this is occurring and it could be either of the below.

She studied her face, after finalizing her makeup, making every detail perfect and trying to erase the works of time.

She studied her face, before finalizing her makeup, making every detail perfect and trying to erase the works of time.
[But this has the jarring effect of either two separate actions or that she is making things perfect only in her mind.]

However you might get away with.

She studied her face, while finalizing her makeup, making every detail perfect and trying to erase the works of time.

(If she's multitasking.)

If you are deliberately messing with the flow of your prose for some specific effect, the way you have it, then it works as it is. For me it gives the feeling that it is something mundane and perhaps repetitive as mentioned.

What I mean is...
She studied her face, finalizing her makeup, making every detail perfect, trying to erase the works of time.
...might bring to mind a novice perhaps trying without enthusiasm and perhaps not quite getting it right.

While..
She studied her face, finalizing her makeup, making every detail perfect and trying to erase the works of time.
...brings to mind an artist.

This is just me though.

Well, actually, the example is a mangling of something I am already using and I was trying to create a tone of anxiety in the story.

The actual sentence I stole it from was:

Closing her eyes and drawing a breath, she resigned to finalizing her makeup, making sure every detail was perfect, trying to erase the work of time.

In the story she is about to meet an old flame last seen five years ago. She's nervous and she is trying to recreate her look from the last days they were together in college. She's an over-achieving perfectionist, so you get the picture.

However, I was more interested in learning about what I now understand is called andless sentences. I have little formal education with English and its grammar. Almost everything I have learned is through reading endless examples in literature.

 

[TitaniumTi]

I stumbled across the technical term for this, very recently.

The use of andless sentences (I came, I saw, I conquered) is asyndeton.
The use of multiple ands (I came and I saw and I conquered) is polysyndeton.

 

[Kylara]

Ah Tt! You jumped me! Just reading through this thread and thought I would give the technical name to help grammar research and you beat me to it! Typical, the one day I have a lie in and check the forums late

 

[Ursa major]

No wonder that it sometimes seems English grammar is all Greek** to me....


** - Well, and Latin....

 

[Lex E. Darion]

I stumbled across the technical term for this, very recently.

The use of andless sentences (I came, I saw, I conquered) is asyndeton.
The use of multiple ands (I came and I saw and I conquered) is polysyndeton.

Polysyndeton doesn't just relate to 'and', it could be any conjunction (although generally is 'and').

 

[Ursa major]

We seem to have forgotten poor Polly.

If she hadn't been smuggled into Eton College, perhaps she wouldn't have sinned....