SG 4.0 Alternative beginning (900+ words)

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Phyrebrat

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Anyway, I'm taking a deep breath. This is the other option that HB suggested opening with:

Deep night: The house was huge; silent. Kate watched the moon climbing up over the rotten silver birch that towered next to the open bedroom window. It had been over an hour since she'd woken. The room was airless even though all the windows were open; the balmy summer evenings evolved into clammy ones and made her want to shower three times a night. She probably would if it didn’t take so long for her hair to dry; one of the curses of afro hair.

[Considering slicing this paragraph altogether, or spreading it later:] She wondered how Neil was getting on in London and wished she'd gone with him this time; at least the Strand Plaza was air conditioned. She could have spent the day in Chelsea in the gallery and homeware shops. Last trip, she'd seen a huge Byzantine fresco relief she could just imagine on the back wall of the red room, and there were always lots of polished fossils in those kind of shops. Her orthoceras and ammonites were getting tiresome and she wondered if getting an actual skeleton was a bit over the top for the morning room. Just something small. She was determined to put her own style on the house; for too long it'd been an eclectic mix of dour English pomp and fussy clutter. If Neil would just trust her, she'd be on the third floor now in a cool bedroom under the west apex. If…]

Something shifted under the bed and although she'd not been moving, she tensed and held her breath, listening intently. Nothing. The moment she relaxed, it shifted again, and she felt it more than heard it. The bed had no legs - sitting squarely on the floor - so it couldn't be coming from underneath. Something about the noise made her think of ropey old galleons with their spider web of rigging. There was a similar squeaking and twisting characteristic to it.

Propping herself up on an elbow she flicked on the delicate regency headboard lamp and cocked her head. No sound, no sensation, and nothing to be seen in the large bedroom. Maybe the en suite? The door to the bathroom was closed so with a bravado huff she swung her legs out of bed and got up to check.

After two steps the floor vibrated and squeaked again - sinking or bending - and in a panic that would have been funny during daytime, she ran to the side of the bedroom and clung to the wall like a mouse. Whatever was vibrating was downstairs. She switched on the wall light and grabbed her bathrobe from the back of the door. It was too hot but she didn't fancy going to investigate with just a silk cerise night shift.

A silver-blue light with black diamond crisscross shadows from the leaded windows painted the landing. The brocade upholstery on the two seats under the window sparkled magically. Now she was out of the bedroom, in the gloaming of the heart of the house, an air of vulnerability settled over her; the abyssal pool of the staircase was a hungry mouth. She ignored the hairs that had crept to attention on her damp arms and crossed the landing. Off to the left, a narrow flight continued up to the top floor and the single, self-contained spare room. A cool breeze flowed down from it and chilled the back of her neck.

She walked into the inky depths, hurrying down the stairs with a flourish, and slapped on the lights. The sprawling gardens beyond the french windows of the cavernous reception hall burst into bright colour. Wrong switch. Mumbling a curse she switched them off, the afterimage staining her night vision. Purple fronds and lava-lamp blobs floated over her eyes. One of the purple blobs looked like a man hanging from his feet. She felt for the other switch and the reception room was flooded with a warm light, the eight french windows becoming black mirrors.

Now the place was lit it seemed unlikely she'd hear the twisting wood. Something about seeing the house and all the furnishings in light added an extra level of interference, and she considered the possibility that she'd imagined everything. May as well have a look, though. The sliding door to the dining room trundled noisily along its runners when she pushed it, and she stepped into the darkness of the east wing, under her bedroom.

That bloody cat!

She jumped back into the reassuring light of the reception hallway impulsively; Basquiat wasn't normally guilty of pissing in the house and she stood on her heels hoping the cat piss she'd stood in wouldn't get on the carpet.

Her feet were scarlet. Blood.

The creaking from the dining room started again. Run upstairs? Get a knife? Neil kept his air rifle way down in the west wing garage… She should just bash the lights on and ... And what? Let the whatever know she was there?

She crept back to the dining room door. If anyone's in there, they would've heard me scream when I stood in the…

The room opened out to the left and when she peeked around, she bit her hand to stop from screaming. A lake of blood, mercurial in the moonlight, spread across the wooden floor, dripping in long syrupy gloops from the modern glass dining table. Hanging upside down from the central wooden beam was a man's naked body. Surely the diminishing freshet of blood escaping from his neck couldn’t be responsible for all that red!

(Squeak)

The body turned slowly. Missing its skin.


 
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A colon and a semi-colon in the first sentence has got to be rare, but it seems to work. Also, is it important later that the birch is rotten? I get an image of a really rancid tree there, which is a bit distracting. *)
 
Right, I've only read it through the once, as I meant to be turning in and getting my beauty sleep, but my first impressions for what they're worth.

I second HB's opinion. I'd start with this scene and then go to Willie. Three reasons:
  • As I said in the other thread, as the story is about the land through the ages, I think it's best to start with the house. To my mind, you want to make the land/house an effective character in its own right, and starting here will help that process.
  • I think the juxtaposition of the horrific final image immediately followed by the comic nature of Willie's opening paragraphs works better than the alternative of Willie fainting and then seeing her in bed. It's a more dramatic change, and throws the reader nicely off balance this way round.
  • This makes it clear it's a horror story and any comedy is an adjunct to it -- important for characterisation and tone, but not the wellspring of the novel itself. Opening with Willie gives the impression it's going to be all comedic. This way round might also make the segue into non-comedic history chapters easier to digest.

One disadvantage of doing it this way round which occurs to me is the time element. Is this the same night, so Willie was walking home at c6pm and this is now gone midnight? If so, that might worry me, that we're jumping back in time to go from here to Willie. If Willie's incident can be the next day, or next week, then no problem.

As to the piece itself, it is most definitely a dark shade of amaranthine. If this were further on in the book, I think it would be less of an issue (though even then I'd be looking to cull a few adjectives which could go without loss) but as an opening, I'd suggest toning it down to amethyst or lilac -- you don't want to discourage readers on the first page. However -- and I know this sounds contrary -- I'd like you to inject a bit more of the incredible imagery you write so well. This reads as ordinary description floridified, rather than the Bean speciality of startling and wonderful images. It's almost as if you're trying too hard to describe it for us, instead of letting it flow and describe itself. (Did that make sense?)

Re the bolded paragraph, I liked it, but I'm in two minds about whether to keep it there. It's good that you have her thinking about the house, and the skeleton is a lovely touch, but it perhaps went on a bit too long. I'd suggest pruning it by a good third, or even half, and seeing how it reads then.

As for the rest, again I might be tempted to push things through a little quicker, but it's a good, interesting (horrible...) scene, and it's a tremendous hooky ending.

No time to nit-pick even if you wanted it, which I imagine you don't.

Carry on the good work!
 
Phew! Very vivid and spooky.
Just a few small things - the mention of tree at the window threw me a bit so I pictured her standing at the window looking out and then a few paras on realised she was meant to be in the bed. Even when the noise came underneath it, I thought she was standing a few feet away. So maybe it would benefit from making it clearer that she is lying in bed?

I agree that para 2 needs trimming; I found it a bit distracting and info dumpy, breaking the flow a bit.

I would turn round this sentence - "A silver-blue light with black diamond crisscross shadows from the leaded windows painted the landing" so that 'painted the landing' comes after light. It doesn't really make sense the way it's written.

And maybe it should be 'screamed again' when she bites her hand because you say someone would've heard her when she stepped in the blood ... although until you told us that, I hadn't thought that she had screamed. The italic That bloody cat could've been her thoughts, and certainly seemed more like that to me.

Nicely nasty last image. This is shaping up well in my opinion, and I do agree that this scene should come before the more comedic one.
 
Great observations and points, all. Thank you. JRiff, I learned the colon-semicolon thing from Justin Cronin's The Passage. He opens quite a lot of paragraphs or scene changes like that and I loved the immediacy.

TJ: your points, as ever, are spot on - altho I had to double check what amaranthine meant as I don't think I've heard it before.

Pam: you're right about the leaded Windows bit. It doesn't make sense the way I wrote it, does it? In connection with what TJ says, I'll be toning that description down, and spreading if out later.

Regarding the silver birch: it does become important. I'm concerned that the word rotten throws people out. I wonder if it's a regional or country- thing. Would rotted be better?

Thanks

pH
 
Re amaranthine, it is my mission in life to use near-forgotten words and make them better known. Another coming up below.

I don't think rotted, as to me that would suggest the tree had fallen and was rotting on the ground. I wondered about rotting itself, but there's something about it that feels wrong. I'd use decaying, I think. Perhaps just because it's posher sounding! But that conveys the tree is going bad, but hasn't completely gone. Though I'd be tempted to leave off the adjective altogether in such a throwaway sentence, when there are so many clamouring for attention in the piece.** As an alternative, if the tree is going to be important, then perhaps instead of her thinking at length of the torrid weather in that first para, have her think she'll get Neil to chop it down, which not only foreshadows it falling on someone if that's what it does, but then you can make clear how rotten it is or isn't.

NB I always think of silver birch as gracile and beautiful, so making it a rotten one was a powerful image -- yew is more more a baddie when it comes to trees! But I'd also thought of them as not very tall, so I was surprised it towered over the bedroom. But your nature observation is far better than mine, so I know you're right.


** In Spotlight towards the end there's a meeting where the editor is going through the draft story and he strikes something out. One of the reporters says in an exasperated voice "What now?" Reply: "Another adjective." :D
 
Maybe the tree could be visually decayed without having to say rotten or whatever? The bark is discoloured. Maybe she's seeing it swaying in the wind precariously and a bit worried that it's going to come down, or the branches could occasionally be tapping the window? If it was doing the latter, it would make it more noticeable/more of an obstacle to sleep for her.
Feel free to ignore all these rambles!
 
Then where was the new underused word you promised? @The Judge I can't see anything unusual after amaranthine.

I need to make it clear that she's in bed, not at the window. If this silver birch is really causing so much consternation I'll just put it elsewhere. It's not a deal-breaker. In my parents' back garden there was an immense silver birch that caused a bit of a family disagreement when my dad for permission to cut it down as it was 'rotten'. In other words it looked like a cadbury's flake. There was nothing wet about it. I think rotten is a contextual word but as it's been laboured so much in this thread it's probably safer to get rid of it.

And... Yews are a big part of the story. They're in the grounds in 1178 and still to this day, à la Kingly Vale. :)

pH
 
Then where was the new underused word you promised? @The Judge I can't see anything unusual after amaranthine.
Gracile. I first came across it in a description of a skeleton's bones, and I'm sure when I checked the definition at the time I found it limited it that, but per Collins online it's "gracefully thin or slender" or "a less common word for graceful" and no hint that it's only to be used for people. It gets a one out of five on the Collins word frequency rating, which means "Used Rarely. gracile is within the lower 50% of the commonly used words in the Collins dictionary". Did you know it already then?

Re rotten, I'd definitely think wet rot rather than a dry rot. No consternation, though, just people conjure images in slightly different ways, and there's very little you as an author can do to prevent that! Use the word which best expresses its condition to your mind.
 
I definitely prefer this as an opening. Willie's scene is much more mundane and he comes across to me as rather whiny, rather than funny, at least at first. This opener is more conventional but is more interesting to me. A few minor things kept bugging me though:

the balmy summer evenings evolved into clammy ones and made her want to shower three times a night.

I really didn't like the 'into clammy ones' in this line for some reason; it just felt clunky to me. 'into clammy nights' would make more sense since the scene is at night, after the evening has arguably finished. You'd have to rework the bit about showering to avoid repetition though.

Propping herself up on an elbow she flicked on the delicate regency headboard lamp and cocked her head.

I found "delicate regency headboard lamp" jarring. Ditching the 'regency' would help but I don't know if that's important or not.

Something about the noise made her think of ropey old galleons with their spider web of rigging.

Did you mean 'ropey' as in 'a bit broken'? That's how it reads to me but maybe that's just a British thing?
 
Thanks for taking the time to read and reply.

I found "delicate regency headboard lamp" jarring. Ditching the 'regency' would help but I don't know if that's important or not.

Did you mean 'ropey' as in 'a bit broken'? That's how it reads to me but maybe that's just a British thing?

The house/property in this story is an eclectic mix of the people who have owned it over the last 800 years. The regency light is just one of those little things to have stayed :)

And yep, you're totally on the money with ropey.

pH
 
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