Three-Legged Improv

[THX1138]

Jaques the waiter huffed, zipped up his puffy coat and tightened the straps on his crampons and picked up his serving platter, the locals didn't have any trouble with the weather but he did.

Inner paris was a lovely city on the inner core of the earth known for its cosmopolitan fashion industry, rampant but somehow popular crime syndicates, and its forty below zero arctic weather.

The reason he moved out into this snowy hellhole was a dream, a specific dream that said that if he took this job, knocked over this can of peas then he'd save countless lives and prevent great suffering as long as he served the right man the right dish, if the man with the mutton chops was out on the terrace today then he knew his dreams where real, if not he could afford a ticket home.

---

kind of feel like i'm stretching the definition of a single sentence a bit far with that last one.

paracompass, archivist, sword and sorcery

If have to, you have to. Most of us do the same also.

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

paracompass, archivist, sword and sorcery

'Aha Farhfar, you would think the Bogodian Dlamps became extinct when they ran out of Buffalomps to hunt.'

The Grey Mauser held up a large dusty book to the light.

'But this Ondoolian record says different, and according to Flimp the documentor things went South for them after Lord Skeletor introduced the paracompass to Dune.'

Spoon. Coal delivery person. Farce

 

[FearAndLoathing]

Yurinian law begins with its primary constitutional law, "any law introduced into the legal code shall not be recinded, removed or remain un-enforced", which is normally quite sensible as it forces lawmakers to be carefull.

Until, in industrial times, the worst winter the Yurinian people had ever seen hit them and as a result a law was added: "Each town shall have regular deliveries of coal by a dedicated person and/or goverment institution"

Which brings us six thousand years later to Dyamil, goverment coal distributer, who each morning grabs his ziplock baggie of coal dust from the reception desk and hops on the hypertrain for his daily six hour circuit around Yurinia where he visits each city and dispenses a small teaspoon worth of coaldust into the town's central coal bin.

---

uugh being succinct is hard, if you think these sentences are long you haven't seen my first draft.

Dud Rocket, Police Dective, Gonzo Journalism

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

And so, after fifteen years of in the making, the moment of truth had arrived and I would finally have proof that all Texans originally came from Mars.

Sherriff Garcia was sitting next to me when I tried and failed to start the spacecraft.

'That's what I've been trying to tell you, if it was that easy all us Texans would've rocketed home a long time ago', he said.

Brick, Accountant, Space Opera

 

[THX1138]

"Your galactic lordship, after reviewing all of your financials I was able to balance your accounts by using this brick to offset to your losses."

"I asked you to cook the books so that I could falsely lure investors into supporting the costs of my new Space Station of Doom, you fool of an accountant!"

"I'm sorry your galactic lordship, but if you wanted someone to cook the books, you should have hired a celebrity chef instead."

Kite, Pipe Fitter, Comedy Mystery

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

It's elementary Watson, Mr.Wobblesnake was struck by lightening which was attracted to an object he was carrying.

So, Sherlock, fnarr fnarr, are you telling me that Stillson Wobblesnake was, erm, carrying a, fnarr fnarr, pipe up to Dame Horguntula Macpherson's manor at two in the morning ...in a thunderstorm?

No -he was killed on the way home, just after she told him to go fly a kite.

hard drive, toolmaker, heavy metal opera

 

[FearAndLoathing]

Enter stage left, the Hero Halford, the accompaniment is curiously quiet "Tell me drive-smith, tell me tuner and toolmaker of the gods, I have brought you this metal stele, this ancient record of song and poem, tell me what secret spells may be found herein"

The mercury giant, DIO, solemnly holds up the hard drive and connects a thick jack-cable, the disk begins spinning.

Immediately a pounding drum solo plays throughout the magma forge, and DIO speaks: "Upon this disk you find the songs of the Judas Priest himself, his most powerfull spell: The Painkiller, listen and learn well for it will give you the power to defeat Death himself should you prove worthy to learn its incantation"

---
cramming references in is fun.

This idea of heavy-metal-as-a-setting immediately makes me think of Brutal Legend a pretty meh mixed RTS/hack-n-slash game from 2009. Whats interesting is that its cram-full of heavy metal. The story is about a roadie who gets sent to an alternate dimention where heavy metal isn't just music, but magic too and part of the creation myth. You play a power-chord and you knock people back, you play a facemelter solo and well... you can guess. The environments and unit design was super interesting, rivers of molten mercury, trees made out of chrome exhaust pipes, Amazon tribes who wear black leather, chrome spikes and KISS style corpse-paint and so forth and so on.

Then you've got ozzy osboune, rob halford, lemmy kilmister and not to mention tim curry and various talent to voice the cast. The entire soundtrack is all actuall heavy metal in various genres. It actually ended up introducing me to my favorite industrial metal band KMFDM.

If you ever have a weekend free and 15 bucks to spare, its on steam. The gameplay is very meh and the story is short and gets a bit rushed at the end, but just driving around and seeing all the sights and listening to the in-game radio alone is worth it.

depicted below: some in-game art explaining the creation myth

---

human femur, skeleton de-curser, dark fantasy.

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

'Right Skeletor, welcome to Dark Mongolopulis, the home of every blasphemer since the invention of the blasphem.'

'Hang on your dark worshipfulness of warts, toe juice, and daytime TV -I came here for a hip replacement, I swear to Obbeldygong Zonk I'd never take his name in vain.'

'Ah, my mistake, you said glass femur on the phone -sorry but it's too late to change the booking now.'

Kayak, footballer, nature documentary

makes me think of Brutal Legend

Thanks, sounds class -bookmarked for when the kids get older

 

[THX1138]

While kayaking up the Itchen River we came across a male footballer, adorned in the plumaged of Southampton, standing on the shore as his football floated down river towards us.

We retrieved the football and ever so gingerly tossed it back at him when he furiously headbutted it across to the opposite side of the river in a grand, arial gesture of athleticism.

He immediately began to run around yelling a victory cry while pouring a pint on top of his head when he realized we were filming him, then ran off leaving us awed at the chance of seeing a footballer in the wilds of nature.

Can opener, Brain Surgeon, Shakespearean

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

'Alas Dunstom, the Canopeal Ventrium inside this poor fellow's head requires leeching.'

'In which case permit me to equip you with the steel wheeled and geared clamp I have forged for such occasions.'

'Fordlump and barriswhackle, thsese are olden days with olden ways Dunstom -and the correct way to a fellow's Canopeal Ventrium is not through the mechanical rotations of your Canopener, but rather the swift slice of a woodsman's axe.'

Hallucinogenic mushrooms, Solicitor, Washing machine instructions*
(*not really a genre but sure why not)

 

[therapist]

(*not really a genre but sure why not)

Don't be a snob.

'Always select the correct detergent, and check clothes tags for additional care instructions,' Dillan read the manual to the couple at the cafe with transmogrifying faces. They didn't seem interested in buying the manual, they ignored Fred and focused on their lunch.
'You guys aren't getting it, open your minds! This isn't just about washing machines—it's about life!'

Nothing, Pirates, Newsletter

 

[THX1138]

(Pardon my ignorance @therapist but please explain (not really a genre but sure why not) 'Don't be a snob.' Here it is an insult, but I feel that there in the UK (Proper as opposed to US slang English) it has a more humorous meaning. Correct?

An un-named Pirate ship anchored offshore last week, and to the surprise of the locals of the port town, did nothing for many hours following its arrival.

Representatives of the town traveled out to the Pirates to request their intent and purpose and were met with the response, "Argh, we be here for no reason and will be do'in nor taken nothing from yer folks!"

Several of our towns' merchants and citizens where disappointed to the lack of much needed skullduggery, as the town did nothing but watch the Pirates stay offshore and do nothing as well for days on end, with nothing to show for it.

Crisps, Accountant, British Crime Drama

 

[therapist]

(Pardon my ignorance @therapist but please explain (not really a genre but sure why not) 'Don't be a snob.' Here it is an insult, but I feel that there in the UK (Proper as opposed to US slang English) it has a more humorous meaning. Correct?

I'm not too well versed in the differences between US and UK words. I'm from NZ and we use a mixture of both, but mainly UK. But I believe I meant it as an insult (in a light-hearted/humorous way)—for AnRoinnultra's disparraging comment against the literary genre of washing machine instructions.

 

[THX1138]

I'm not too well versed in the differences between US and UK words. I'm from NZ and we use a mixture of both, but mainly UK. But I believe I meant it as an insult (in a light-hearted/humorous way)—for AnRoinnultra's disparraging comment against the literary genre of washing machine instructions.

I thought so and thanks again!

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

'Am I right in saying that you'd like me to record the cause of death as a self inflicted pencil wound Vera?'

'Aye me auld flower, this here time travelling accountant thought 'ed try stay one step ahead of the financial system, but never factored in the constipation caused when mixing a predilection for fried potatoes with transtemporal journeying.'

'Brilliantly reasoned m'am, it all adds up -not many would spot that he had been simply trying to work his 'problem' out with a pencil.'

Heart rate monitor, Sheep farmer, Period drama

 

[THX1138]

Jane approached her betrothed as he walked his families land, “I demand and explanation to this horrid letter you despicable shepherd you!”

The heart monitor attached to Jhon slowed as he addressed Jane, “I’m dreadfully sorry for this sudden change of event, but you must understand that my love is truly for my beloved Beatrice,” his now fast beating heart came through as he gestured out to the field before them.

Jane stormed away while the heart monitor sounded a ‘Flat Line’ while Beatrice the sheep grazed bleatingly nearby.

Cornish Pasty, Barrel Wright, Greek Tragedy

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

A barrel strong and made with skill, can spare it's contents a nasty spill.
But if you want to smash your face, then descend Niagara in a pastry case.
For a chef must learn to swallow pride, or learn to swim against the tide.

Covid test, Cowboy, Horror

 

[Mon0Zer0]

Billy the squid, cocked his six shooter and aimed it at the sentient covid test's results strip.
"'f you even thank-a-turnin' double red, ah'ma gun have to shoot you, 'n no mistake," he growled.
"I'm not afraid of dying," trembled the test, "I was only designed to be single use, anyway!"

Egg Detective, Westworld, Romantic Comedy

 

[Alex The G and T]

Life can't hold a candle to what I see inside this egg when I candle it. Lookie here, Madam Flossy, the embryo has your eyes; but his feet sure don't look like your Beau, Sheriff Hogleg. Nope, his feets look big enough to wear them galoshes on the clown from that traveling Medicine show.


Spinning Wheel, Minstrel, Urban Fantasy

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

'I found a loose thread, started pulling and the whole thing just unraveled, was it important?'

'Was the tapestry that took me eight years to weave and contained the sheet music for every tune ever created to preserve them from the Gongular Overlord's anti music crusade important?!?'

'I'm gonna take that as a yes, my apologies, but on the plus side you'll never be bard* for harbouring contraband in the metropolitan quiet zone.'

*apologies, no excuse for that but it's been a long day

Skateboard, Gillie, Michael Jackson video