Three-Legged Improv

[THX1138]

“Preacher, I ask to be healed of this walking affliction that has crippled me all these long years!”

“Come forward, my child for your faith has enabled you to glide across the floor!”

A voice called out from the back, “She’s standing on a Hoverboard, and they weren’t around in the 1850’s, you charlatan fraud!”



Garden Gnome, Snake Charmer, Crime Drama

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

'You are indeed pretty and svelte, and I can imagine no world where a creature as lovely as you would think to poison a small humanoid ornament like poor Húvaldinken.'

'Aaaaah Detective Obersssnackel, you flatter me with your wordsss, and you are right, a creature asss lovely as me would not think to poison Húvaldinken, in fact could not think to poissson Húvaldinken, for I am venomousss and injected Húvaldinken ...wait, curssse you and your sssilver tongue Obersssnanckel.'

Electrical tape, Mixed martial artist, Road safety film

 

[THX1138]

Hi, I’m Brad of the Anything Goes School of Mixed Martial Arts Road Safety, and in this film we'll be discussing ‘Stopping at a Pedestrian Crossing.’

Safety is of the most importance as accidents can happen at any moment, like now!

When you see a violation, scream and yell as you commence to pummel and bind the violator with your roll of Electrical Tape, while waiting for them to tap out!

Roast Chicken, Butler, Murder Mystery

 

[Provincial]

Roast Chicken, Butler, Murder Mystery

“We have yet to discover how the fatal blade was disposed of,” pondered the amateur detective.

The thin, sharp edge of the carving knife glistened, still rufous and wet, as Standish - Lord Peter Whimbly’s haughty butler - withdrew it slowly from the body of the roast chicken.

“It would appear, Sir, that the murder weapon was hidden in plain sight.”

 

[Provincial]

Anaconda, border police officer, Farce.

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

'Excuse me officer but I really do know where to find an articulative snake, and if you'll just let me jump over that fence I'll run and fetch it.'

'Do you think I'm gullible, this dog has just let me know you're carrying drugs.'

'Not gullible, just a bit soft -you seem to think you can talk to animals.'

Block of wood, computer game programmer, soap opera

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

We now return you to . . . . The Brilliant and the Bothered!

"I'd be able to finish designing the third level of Super Raccoon's Outer Space Arcade Adventure if it weren't for . . . Mary."

"I didn't want to give you the bad news, John, but . . . Mary's run off with a cigar store Indian."

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pen, scientist, hard SF

 

[Provincial]

Professor Challenger pebble-dashed the blackboard with numbers, symbols and Greek letters as he tried to explain to the bemused colonel his theory about the link between light and time dilation, but eventually he gave up trying to demonstrate the maths and fished out his Parker ballpoint instead. “This pen will only write when the lid is depressed, but it remains a pen even if the lid is not depressed and it won’t write. In the same way time still exists, and still passes in the absence of light; but when light pushes on it, time passes faster - and spreads out as well, like a pen blotting when the ink runs out too fast.”

————————————————————-

broad sword, handsome hunk, movie trailer.

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

This summer, swords and sandals return with Chunk Squeakyabs starring as Oblong Clobberem in 'Battle of Gonodath':

'But Oblong, how can you have carved out the innards of a thousand Gonodathians ...they were not our enemies.'

'Oh right, sorry your majesty, my mistake, well, erm ...they are now.'

Flute, Litter warden, Space Opera

 

[Paul J. Menzies]

The litter warden crawled through the dregs in the hold of the rubbish barge, feeling with his hands under the impenetrable sludge that seared his nostrils with its fetid stench.

And then, at last, he had it: the dead Space Piper's Qi-flute.

Too eager to care, he wiped the thick brown compost grease from the wooden fife, raised it to his pursed lips and trilled a melancholy melody until his new thralls arrived to extricate him from the galactic tip and his garbage life.

Colt .45, Hobgoblin, Holy Book

 

[AnRoinnUltra]

Binglow Sulfabreth was both disappointed and surprised with the mugging.
He was disappointed when Tinkerbell only handed over a diary and bible, but was surprised when this was followed by the four clicks of a revolver hammer slotting into its fully cocked position.
'My thoughts and prayers go with you, you horrible little goblin', whispered the fairy.

Nintendo games console, Butcher, Period drama

 

[Paul J. Menzies]

She was just about to finish the last level of Butcher on her Switch for the very first time when it hit. She stared down at her of-course-they-would-be-white shorts, dropped the controller and ran pell-mell for the bathroom. "Mo-om! I need my first tampon."

 

[Provincial]

So, @Paul J. Menzies , what challenge are you going to set the next writer?

 

[Paul J. Menzies]

Hair blow dryer, Thorin Oakenshield, cautionary tale

 

[Provincial]

Bilbo and the last of the original 13 dwarves gathered solemnly around the funeral pyre of their one-time leader, King Under The Mountain, Thorin Oakenshield. As the flames leapt higher the aged warriors sung the traditional funeral dirge for a dwarf who did not die in battle, while Kili, youngest of all of them, cast the instrument of his demise on top of the heaped cedar and pine.

The plug of the hair dryer had been wired up incorrectly, with the inevitable sad consequences.

 

[Provincial]

lavender bath salts, Sun Tzu, epic mythology.

 

[Provincial]

When the messenger ran to tell Sun Tzu that the Mongols were outside the gates, the ancient warrior was at his toilette, bathing in lavender and bicarbonate of soda.

"How shall we answer the demands of the Khan?" the young man begged of his master.

“Invite him in to see me here" he replied, checking for the loaded crossbow under the water's surface, "for he who is prudent and lies in wait for an enemy who is not, will be victorious.”

 

[Provincial]

The task I set might have been a little challenging, so I have completed it myself; here is another.


Shoulder pads, American Football coach, sports news bulletin.

 

[Provincial]

"Well, lookee here folks, Taylor Swift and her light o' love Travis Kelce seem to be celebrating somethin'!"

The camera rapidly closed in on the happy couple as Taytay ripped Travtrav's shoulder pads off and swung them around in the air like a bra in a wet t-shirt competition.

"Yup, you heard it here first - Kelce is the new coach of the Kansas City Chiefs!"

 

[Provincial]

pencil sharpener, Amazon zero-hour contract warehouse operative, cyberpunk.