Flash fiction - Queen Snow

[StilLearning]

OK, hands up, I wrote this with a 75 word challenge in mind. Then I abandoned it, 'cause it didn't really fit the brief. But I may as well show it, and get some feedback... unless there's some rule about doing that? I couldn't find anything that said I shouldn't ...? Anyway, take it down if there is:

The old queen, vain and cruel, was better. “Who’s the fairest?’ Was all she’d ask. One day my answers stopped pleasing her…and it ended badly for the poor, stupid, unimaginative woman. But queen Snow….

“Mirror, show me other worlds.”

“How did they build that?”

“What’s an atom bomb?”

“What’s an Orion drive?”

Then she started bringing smiths and alchemists to see. Yesterday her fusion rockets soared into the sky, seeking new worlds.

They’ll never know what hit them.

And it’s all my fault.

 

[The Judge]

No problem putting unused 75s up here. I've put them up in the relevant month's discussion thread before now, after voting has ended, but of course there's not the same feedback there as in Critiques.

Anyway, I stuttered a bit with the first two sentences on the first read, and I wonder if instead of using the quotation marks, it might have been better to use italics, which would have read a little easier.

A few minor issues -- “Who’s the fairest?’ was all she’d ask. One day my answers stopped pleasing her, and it ended badly for the poor, stupid, unimaginative woman. But Queen Snow….

And Then she started bringing smiths and alchemists to see. to my mind either needs a "me" at the end or a different verb instead of "see", though I can't think of one off hand.


Overall, though, I like it, and I can imagine it making my short list, subject to its fitting the theme and genre (and I do tend to be strict in that regard). A neat idea. Well done.

 

[StilLearning]

Thanks TJ. I got the idea from a TED talk on an attempt by Los Alamos engineers to build a nuclear bomb propelled rocket. And I never trusted Snow White...

 

[Mr Orange]

A good little piece, just a couple of things.

It might just be my overload of ASOIAF and GOT but when you mention Queen Snow I just see Jon Snow in drag...

Also I don't feel there is enough buildup to justify the final sentence. There is no hint that Snow is evil or going to cause harm. If think it needs this to give the ending a bit more punch. Just a hint, maybe her asking to see scenes of the devastation the atom bomb causes and the look in her eyes when she does...

 

[aThenian]

Also I don't feel there is enough buildup to justify the final sentence. There is no hint that Snow is evil or going to cause harm. If think it needs this to give the ending a bit more punch. Just a hint, maybe her asking to see scenes of the devastation the atom bomb causes and the look in her eyes when she does...

I don't think she needs to be evil, though, does she? Maybe she's just overly curious or ambitious? Might be good to have more of a hint of her motivations either way.

I really liked the story, though not quick on the uptake this morning, it took me a while to realise it was from the POV of the mirror and Snow was Snow White...not sure that means you need to make things clearer, maybe I just need to wake up.

 

[Mr Orange]

I don't think she needs to be evil, though, does she?

Except that this quote, to me, implies that she has bad intentions:

They’ll never know what hit them.

And it’s all my fault.

 

[Phyrebrat]

No more to add to what's been said other than it would have probably made my shortlist.

I liked it. A lot.

pH

 

[StilLearning]

A good little piece, just a couple of things.

It might just be my overload of ASOIAF and GOT but when you mention Queen Snow I just see Jon Snow in drag...

Um, yes, I may have toyed with a version where that was the twist..... read into that what you will!

Also I don't feel there is enough buildup to justify the final sentence. There is no hint that Snow is evil or going to cause harm. If think it needs this to give the ending a bit more punch. Just a hint, maybe her asking to see scenes of the devastation the atom bomb causes and the look in her eyes when she does...

Now you say that it seems obvious to me, although the idea in my mind was more that her growing power corrupted her than she started off evil. In one version she destroyed a kingdom that had attacked hers, using an '80 meter robo-snow with immense flamethrowers for arms'. But I think a simple observation by the mirror of how her expression changes when she sees the power of the atom bomb would be more elegant.

Thanks a lot guys, I really appreciate the feedback and advice!