Opening for a Short Story (About 350 words)

[Mr Orange]

So this is the opening for a short story - I'm interested in thoughts on the voice, the setting and its general appeal. all comments welcome.

thanks in advance,

Mr O

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It was dark, like it always is when the lights go out. But not pitch, just ink. Some light from the pickers was reaching us somehow. Still, it was dark and I couldn’t see a thing.


"Sarac," I hissed, "This isn't funny."


There was no answer. The limestone was cool and rough against my back. I could feel it through my thin tunic and didn’t dare leave it’s safety. I knew she was close and I knew she could hear me. But, she had the glowb and without its light I was as good as blind.


"Sarac!"


I tried to stay calm. The tightness in my chest meant a black panic was coming. There was a scrape, the sound of something moving slowly over the rock. My breathing quickened to the point of hyperventilation.


"Sarac?" My voice sounded tiny. The empty darkness closed in. Another scrape. I yelped.


"Alright Keno, don't be such a cricket." Sarac's mocking voice echoed in the cavern. My breathing slowed.


"Just turn the bloody light on."


There was a rustle and the sound of fingernails tapping on glass. But, no light.


"Bug’s asleep, Keno.”


"Well, wake it up.”


There was more tapping. “Looks like I won. Again."


“We're meant to be on lookout, not playing night games."


"Relax, there's-"


Sarac was interrupted by a soft, mewling growl. I heard a sharp intake of breath, and the tapping got more urgent. A second growl replied to the first as the faintest glow indicated the bug was waking up. I ignored it, and focussed on the dark in front of us. Glowing, red eyes appeared. A lot of them. As the light grew, they blinked and the growls took on a savage, hungry edge.


"Let's go."


There was no argument from my sister. Together, we backed to the tunnel we had entered the cavern through. The glowbug's light was enough to find our way, but not to stop the jackals. I glanced behind us. Light spilled around the next bend in the tunnel. But it was at least thirty yards away. The spider jackals howled. As one, my sister and I turned and ran.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

It was dark, like it always is when the lights go out. But not pitch, just ink. Some light from the pickers was reaching us somehow. Still, it was dark and I couldn’t see a thing.

The opening line led me to expect a parody. I don't think this is what you intend. Other than that, it seems a little repetitious. You could just about eliminate the first two sentences (although I like "not pitch, just ink.")

"Sarac," I hissed, "This isn't funny."

You can't really "hiss" the word "Sarac," in my opinion. Either: "Sarac." I hissed at her. [See the difference?] or: "Sarac," I whispered.

There was no answer. The limestone was cool and rough against my back. I could feel it through my thin tunic and didn’t dare leave it’s safety. I knew she was close and I knew she could hear me. But, she had the glowb and without its light I was as good as blind.

Watch out for "it's" = "it is" and "its" = belonging to it. Not crazy about starting a sentence with "But," -- at least drop the comma.

Should "glowb" be "glowbug"?

"Sarac!"


I tried to stay calm. The tightness in my chest meant a black panic was coming. There was a scrape, the sound of something moving slowly over the rock. My breathing quickened to the point of hyperventilation.


"Sarac?" My voice sounded tiny. The empty darkness closed in. Another scrape. I yelped.


"Alright Keno, don't be such a cricket." Sarac's mocking voice echoed in the cavern. My breathing slowed.

I'm one of those who insist that it's "all right."

"Just turn the bloody light on."

I wasn't clear who said this.

There was a rustle and the sound of fingernails tapping on glass. But, no light.

There's that comma again. "No light" or "But no light" would be better. Is the narrator hearing his own fingernails? If so, this is oddly worded. Better would be "My fingernails tapped on the glass" or some such.

"Bug’s asleep, Keno.”


"Well, wake it up.”


There was more tapping. “Looks like I won. Again."


“We're meant to be on lookout, not playing night games."

Same comment about the tapping. I was very unclear what game was being played here. The narrator against the bug? Or Sarac? (By the way, "keno" is a gambling game. Do you intend this allusion?)

"Relax, there's-"


Sarac was interrupted by a soft, mewling growl. I heard a sharp intake of breath, and the tapping got more urgent. A second growl replied to the first as the faintest glow indicated the bug was waking up. I ignored it, and focussed on the dark in front of us. Glowing, red eyes appeared. A lot of them. As the light grew, they blinked and the growls took on a savage, hungry edge.

"focused"

Story gets interesting here.

"Let's go."


There was no argument from my sister. Together, we backed to the tunnel we had entered the cavern through. The glowbug's light was enough to find our way, but not to stop the jackals. I glanced behind us. Light spilled around the next bend in the tunnel. But it was at least thirty yards away. The spider jackals howled. As one, my sister and I turned and ran.

I'd leave out the comma after "together." Are they jackals or spider jackals? Seems odd to refer to them in two different ways. I'd leave out "as one."

Overall, the voice is fine. The setting, what little we have of it, is OK, although it may remind the reader of "dungeons and dragons." It's fairly appealing.

 

[Michael M]

I agree that the first sentence is repetitive and unnecessary. I would begin with "It was dark, and I couldn't see a thing." Sometimes, to peddle a cliche, less is more.

The word 'hyperventilation' in fiction prose seems odd, but that's just me.

I am not clear what 'game' Sarac has won, even if Keno disapproves of his sister's casual approach.

The phrase "we backed to the tunnel we had entered the cavern through" seems clumsy.

Overall, it was interesting, but perhaps too much is left unexplained, unless the game and the reason why they were in the dark cave with hungry jackals will be explained very shortly afterwards in the plot.

Good luck.

 

[Ihe]

I agree with Victoria on nearly everything. I also agree with Michael that "hyperventilation" feels out of place here.

Glowing, red eyes appeared

"Red, glowing eyes" flows more IMO.

Light spilled around the next bend in the tunnel. But it was at least thirty yards away.

I'd fuse these sentences.

The piece trickles details on a need-to-know basis, so it flows with simplicity. Pretty straightforward. Liked it.

 

[Mr Orange]

thanks for the comments guys. i think the first line may need to be changed. possibly to this:

It was dark. Not pitch though, just ink. There must have been some biolumes around somewhere. I still couldn’t see a thing.

Not sure i like what I've done there. Might do away with the biolumes line... The siblings (and others) live in caves and have been doing so for a long time. so they have several words for varying levels of darkness and a scale to link them. hence the "not pitch, just ink".

@Victoria Silverwolf:

i feel like you can hiss the word "Sarac", but i think it works better if he whispers it anyway

that "it's" slipped through somehow, thanks for picking it up. the glowb is short for glowbug and a corruption of globe as it is their way of lighting (a glowbug in a globe. maybe glowb' is better...

and you're right on the various commas you picked up

it's his sister's fingernails tapping. i will try to tidy that bit up.

the game started out with his sister and him playing some kind of hiding game, then that sound too YA so i changed it to her just messing with him. will need to tweak this. i know Keno is a game - to be honest the names' so far are the first ones that came into my head (i have no idea why Keno did!)

and i think focussed or focused is acceptable.

they are spider jackals, but i don't want to go on calling them both names the whole time - i think i need to switch it around so the first time they are referred to as spider jackals and from then on as jackals. again, this was the first name for them that popped into my head so may change.

@Michael M:

see above re. the first sentence and the game

i think you're right that "hyperventilation" needs to go.

agree about the clumsy phrase

it will all get explained very quickly. well, not all of it, but most.

@Ihe

i agree with both your points



thanks again, will have a re-write

 

[Mr Orange]

right, so did a bit of a re-write whilst i wait for bread to cook. let me know what you think...

_______________________________________________________________________

It was dark. Not pitch though, just new-moon. I still couldn’t see a thing. Through my thin tunic I could feel the cool limestone against my back.


"Sarac," I whispered, "This isn't funny."


There was no answer and I didn’t dare leave the safety of the wall. She had the glowb’ and without its light I was as good as blind. I had never been any good at night-walking. Sarac, of course, was a natural.


"Sarac!"


I tried to stay calm. The tightness that crept over my chest meant a black panic was coming. There was a sound. A scrape. Something moving slowly over the rock. My heart thudded.


"Sarac?" My voice sounded tiny. The darkness closed in. Another scrape and I yelped.


"Alright Keno, don't be such a cricket." Sarac's mocking voice echoed in the cavern. My breathing and my heart slowed.


"Just turn the bloody light on." I whispered.


There was a rustle and the sound of fingernails tapping on glass. But no light.


"Bug’s asleep, Keno.”


"Well wake it up.”


There was more tapping. “No need to be afraid of the dark."


“We're meant to be on lookout Sarac. That means the light stays on."


Sarac snorted. "Light just screws with your other senses. Plus, there's-"


Sarac was interrupted by a soft, mewling growl. I heard her sharp intake of breath, and the tapping got more urgent. A second growl replied to the first as the faintest glow indicated the bug was waking up. I ignored it, and focussed on the dark in front of us. Red, glowing eyes appeared. A lot of them. As the light grew to half-moon, they blinked and the growls took on a savage, hungry edge.


"Let's go."


There was no argument from my sister. We clambered backwards to the tunnel entrance. Sarac swung the glowb’ in front of her. The bug’s light was full-moon now, enough to find our way but not to stop the spider jackals. Light spilled around the next bend in the tunnel but it was at least thirty yards away. The jackals howled. My sister and I turned and ran.

 

[Appello]

Definitely improved with the re-write. The only part I feel needs specific commenting is this part:

I tried to stay calm. The tightness that crept over my chest meant a black panic was coming. There was a sound. A scrape. Something moving slowly over the rock. My heart thudded.

"Sarac?" My voice sounded tiny. The darkness closed in. Another scrape and I yelped.

"Alright Keno, don't be such a cricket." Sarac's mocking voice echoed in the cavern. My breathing and my heart slowed.

I think there are too many short, repetitive sentences here, and it actually serves to diminish the tension you should be building. Start with a longer one describing the darkness and the panic and how it feels, and then throw in a short sentence or two towards the end when you want to dial up the energy. Keeping in mind that the dialogue here also takes the form of short sentences.

I know that personally, for me, sentences like "There was a sound. A scrape." tend to creep in when I am writing quickly, because my brain is racing and I want to get all the images and sounds/sights down on paper quickly without worrying about fitting them into a proper, fully constructed sentence. When I go back to edit, they are almost always the ones I end up getting rid of, because I feel they disrupt the flow of the narrative and actually slow things down rather than add any tension like they are supposed to. Here, for example I would change it to something like: "A scraping sound echoed in the cavern, as though something were moving slowly over the rock. My heart thudded."

My .02

 

[millymollymo]

I agree with the short sentences causing you an issue, yes I can see how they are used to add to the confines of darkness, making the reader feel limited by it too, but there needs to be a breathing point here and there.

I've been out in "new moon dark" away from lights where clouds covering stars make all the difference. Yet within city glow nearby, or even just a light through the shed window it doesn't matter one way or another so your opener confuses me. Is it proper "can't see you hand in front of your face" dark? Or more a case of "I'm not quite sure where the wall finishes and the hedge begins" dark?

I suspect you're trying to show us that the talent your character has allows Sarac to be immune to the fears that such blackness can bring?

There was no answer and I didn’t dare leave the safety of the wall. She had the glowb’ and without its light I was as good as blind. I had never been any good at night-walking. Sarac, of course, was a natural.

Here's a suggestion that there's some form of light near by and contradicts with the opening lines - for me at least.

ETA On a re-read that glowb' isn't actively producing light is it? Need to make that clearer maybe.

 

[Mr Orange]

Cheers guys. The short sentences were meant to relay his rising panic. Upon a re-read I may have overdone it...

 

[Michael M]

This is sharper and tighter, and the shift from the fear of the darkness, which is only scaring Keno, to the presence of the jackals, which is scaring both Keno and Sarac, is well paced. A good piece of writing.

 

[Ajid]

As above my only comment, and it's a bit of a nit pick, if my breathing had slowed i probably wouldn't whisper "Just turn the bloody light off." An extra few words here to slow it down a little, or maybe drop the "bloody". The reader is building tension, the subject has calmed a little and it just doesn't feel like a calm sentence.

 

[Mr Orange]

Cheers for the comments.

@Ajid, at that point Keno is less panicky, but I wouldn't say he was anywhere near calm

 

[aThenian]

It's good and the rewrite makes it a lot clearer what's going on, without giving too much away, which is a difficult balance.

Nitpicky, but you should put a comma between lookout Sarac.

My only problem with both versions is that I'm not quite sure what is going on with the jackals. In the first version it sounds as if they are right there, but then Sarac and Keno get away from them very quickly - which sounds unlikely - but then are being caught up again - why?

In the second version, so there's lots of jackals there in the cavern - were they there all along or have they suddenly turned up? If they turned up wouldn't they be blocking the passage entrance? (or is there another passage?) If they've been there all along in such numbers wouldn't Keno have noticed? (Even if he can't see, they would b breathing, moving about.) I'm not sure why the jackals don't attack immediately, given that the reader is told the light isn't strong enough to hold them off. I also wonder if maybe it would heighten the suspense/threat not to reveal so quickly that they are jackals - being in a cavern with an unidentified predator in darkness is scary stuff and might be good to prolong that a while longer.

Light spilled around the next bend in the tunnel but it was at least thirty yards away.

This line is between references to the jackals - so I think add something to say that they are looking back and forth from the jackals to the passage which is behind them, just so it's clearer to visualize. At the moment it's a bit confusing, I think partly because we're told Sarac is holding the glowb in front of her, which gives me the impression that she's directing the light towards the jackals, but the next moment the light is showing the tunnel, which is in the opposite direction. Just a few tiny tweaks would clear all that up I think. Maybe also add something about how they've been going slow so as not to excite the jackals, or because the rock is too rough or something, so as to explain the delay before they start to run.

 

[Pentagon]

Just to add my 2 cents. In the first version I agree with comments above that there was too much description. However, I felt that the transition from me feeling that it was a suspense story, the protagonist is in danger to an explanation of being wound up by his sister and back to danger again was excellent. I think the 2nd version by cutting down on the beginning did lose out on that transition which in the first version was effective. I liked the pace which to an extent is lost with the much shorter sentences.

I think the character introduction was good, though the below line I felt was superfluous as you have effectively shown the disparity of attitudes and skill between the two characters, I don't need it reiterated. I also think it breaks the flow and changes what the story is about too early, tied in with my first point.

Sarac, of course, was a natural

I have no idea what rules are suggested with 1st person, but with only the name Keno to go on and no clues as to the protagonists gender, I found it difficult to start imagining the protagonist. Was it a brother/sister relationship (which you confirm in later comments), or a a two sisters one. I apologise for not being more knowledgeable on what is done, but for me this was somewhat immersion breaking. I hope the above makes some sense!

 

[Mr Orange]

cheers for the feedback

@aThenian, the jackals move pretty silently and are in effect stalking Keno and Sarac. i haven't fleshed out the exact nature of the jackals yet, but they see by infrared (i think) and are extremely sensitive to light). i take your point that this could be stretched out a bit more. and i might tweak it so the light "wasn't strong enough to hold off the jackals for long". they are moving slowly, backwards towards the tunnel, swinging the light in front of them, in the direction of the jackals. the light in the tunnel is something else entirely. i will look into that seciton as well.

@Pentagon, the line you quoted was intended to show a bit of jealousy - Keno is an engineer, intelligent but not skilled at the physical side of things, and his sister is the opposite. and i take your point - i will make sure everyone knows Keno is a guy!