Does this work? (130 words)

[MemoryTale]

The effect I'm going for here is when you've just entered a new place. There's something weird, but your gaze skims over it at first, only to return to it as the brain goes "Wait, what?"

....

The inside was gently lit, and was done up with a light coloured wood effect. The tables were made from the same light coloured wood, each having a central pole rising up off of four feet. Each table was covered with a small white table cloth. One of the patrons was sitting on the ceiling. The far side of the bar was an open plan games area with two tables for pool, one for snooker and a dartboard on the wall. The man’s drink was similarly inverted. The bar itself was a solid oaken affair. The top was lit by lights that shone through the various bottles behind the bar, the coloured liquids giving it a strangely disco effect. The guy's drink was somehow staying in the glass. Gareth’s eyes watered.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Works ok for me. There's clearly a comedic effect going on there.

 

[The Judge]

Well, I didn't skim over it and come back, as I noticed the oddity at once, so I'm not sure if that means it hasn't worked. But the way you move from the man to the bar, then back to his glass, then away again, then back to his glass again definitely didn't work for me, and didn't seem realistic. Once Gareth had seen the oddity, he'd have surely been fixated on it, not gazing elsewhere and drifting back repeatedly -- he might start to look around then jump back, but there's no "jumpy" feel here as you might get if the looking around was interrupted, and he certainly wouldn't look away a second time.


I won't do a full nit-pick as I imagine this is still an early draft, but while I'm here, for me there are far too many "was"es in this paragraph -- "to be" is the main verb in every sentence save the very last, and that coupled with the listing effect of the description makes for a rather deadening feel. I think it would help pep things up, and help the comedy feel, if you broke up the sentence structures and used stronger verbs.

 

[pambaddeley]

I always find this kind of construction clunky - "each having a central pole rising up off of four feet" - off of? Anyway, couldn't picture what was meant there.

Agree with TJ that it's odd that he goes off the man with drink then back again ... needs to be rejigged a bit. It also makes the 'similarly inverted' seem to apply to the previous sentence about dart board etc, rather than the man in the sentence before that.

 

[MemoryTale]

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but after The Judges comment I had to research what strong verbs were. Does this read better?

Dim lights illuminated the inside, shining gently off the light coloured wood effect walls. The tables continued the wood theme, each having a central pole rising up off four feet, topped off by a small white table cloth. One of the patrons was sitting on the ceiling. The far side of the bar held an open plan games area with two tables for pool, one for snooker and a dartboard on the wall. The bar itself was a solid oaken affair. Lights above the bar shone through the various bottles hanging on the wall, the coloured liquids giving it a strangely disco effect.

Gareth’s eyes snapped back. One of the patrons was sitting on the ceiling, his drink similarly inverted. The drink was somehow staying in the glass. Gareth’s eyes watered.

 

[pambaddeley]

Much!

 

[Brian G Turner]

If you want to draw attention to the inverted glass, I'd suggest don't continue on with the description, but show the pause directly after, ie:

The man’s drink was similarly inverted. The bar itself.... The guy's drink was somehow staying in the glass?

Also, watch your focus - you mention "light" twice and "lit" once in your first two sentences.

 

[Appello]

It's hard to tell whether this "works" without knowing the broader context of the story, but I also agree that it seems odd to continue the casual description of the bar after mentioning the patron sitting on the ceiling. For me it takes the reader out of close 3rd person POV, and into a more omniscient narrative voice (because, assumedly, the sight of an upside down patron would be far less shocking to an omniscient narrator than the central protagonist). Like others have said, in true 3rd person limited POV, you are not going to notice someone hanging from the ceiling and then drift away to look at the pool table - unless you live in the kind of world where this is very ordinary, in which case you might not even notice it at all. The vibe I get here is a kind of 'George of the Jungle' one where the narrator points things out before the main character's notice things, to humorous effect. This can work, but it needs to be done well, and I wonder if it might be a lot easier to simply identify the man sitting on the ceiling and then run with it from there?

The other thing I wanted to point out was repetition of words and sentence starters. In this short excerpt (first para), you have 6 sentences, 3 of which start with 'the', and 2 with 'lights' and 'dim lights' respectively. You also repeat 'one' twice, once as a new sentence and once after a comma, and 'the bar' twice in quick succession. What all this repetition does is make the paragraph read very clunky and heavy, detracting somewhat from what I believe is meant to be a lighthearted tone. I would pay closer attention to this as varying your sentence starters and vocab can really help improve the scene setting.

 

[Phyrebrat]

I think it's much, much better. But there's still a bit of room for cutting the odd extra word. I'd also suggest you may be able to augment the strangeness by making people interact relevantly with the things you're describing so that the ceiling man stands out more.

pH

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Yes, the second version is much better and, crucially, much more active. I also noticed the anomaly on first reading.

 

[cyberpunkdreams]

This is certainly much better. I still don't get what "up off" means though?

 

[TheDustyZebra]

I didn't comment on any of the language before, because that wasn't what was asked for, but with the changes you made I can see that my impression of the tables was seriously off from what you mean. And the changes made it worse.

I think what you mean is that the tables have four feet on the floor, coming together in a central post that goes up into the center of the table to hold it up. What I saw at first was that each table had a pole with four feet, on top of the table cloth -- the pole for ...what, I don't know. What it says now is that the table has a pole with four feet on top of it, and a table cloth on top of the pole.

I think I would lose the entire description of table feet and poles, unless they are necessary for something. It's just confusing.

 

[crystal haven]

Yes, it's definitely better. I agree about the tables though - I found the description very confusing.

 

[VKALFIERI]

I dunno if you wanted them; but nonetheless, quick edits within:

The effect I'm going for here is when you've just entered a new place. There's something weird, but your gaze skims over it at first, only to return to it as the brain goes "Wait, what?"

....

The inside was lit gently, and was done up with a lightly coloured wood effect. (note: the wording was slightly awkward and I changed it so it didn't seem like you were describing the wood to be coloured like light). The tables were made from the same lightly (again, light isn't a colour) coloured wood; (semi-colon, same sentence, new clause) each had (instead of having) a central pole rising up off of four feet. Each table was covered with a small white table cloth. One of the patrons was sitting on the ceiling. The far side of the bar was an open plan games area with two tables for pool, one for snooker and a dartboard on the wall. The man’s drink was similarly inverted. The bar itself was a solid oaken affair. Lights (was too wordy in this part) shone through the various bottles behind the bar, the coloured liquids giving it a strange (odd wording before) disco effect. The guy's (is he a 'guy' or a 'man'? Here, symmetry matters) drink was somehow stayed in the glass. Gareth’s eyes watered.

 

[VKALFIERI]

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but after The Judges comment I had to research what strong verbs were. Does this read better?

Dim lights shone (tighter) gently off the lightly (lightly still works better) coloured walls. The tables continued this colour scheme, each had a central pole (I don't think we need to be told the table has legs, it would be abnormal if it didn't), topped off by a small white tablecloth. One of the patrons was sitting on the ceiling. Two pool tables and one for snooker were at the far side of the bar in an open plan games area with a dartboard on the wall. The bar itself was a solid oaken affair. Lights above the bar shone through the various bottles hanging on the wall, the coloured liquids giving it a strange disco effect.

Gareth’s eyes snapped back. One of the patrons was sitting on the ceiling, his drink similarly inverted. The drink was somehow staying in the glass. Gareth’s eyes watered.

Once again, sorry if you didn't want a rewording; but I think it feels a bit tighter in my quick edits.

Wrote this one after I saw your rewrite.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

I didn't comment on any of the language before, because that wasn't what was asked for, but with the changes you made I can see that my impression of the tables was seriously off from what you mean. And the changes made it worse.

I think what you mean is that the tables have four feet on the floor, coming together in a central post that goes up into the center of the table to hold it up. What I saw at first was that each table had a pole with four feet, on top of the table cloth -- the pole for ...what, I don't know. What it says now is that the table has a pole with four feet on top of it, and a table cloth on top of the pole.

I think I would lose the entire description of table feet and poles, unless they are necessary for something. It's just confusing.

It is better but I'm going to agree with the zebra. The description of the tables is odd. I'm guessing they are patio tables with parasols/canopies. Oh actually having turned round and looked at my own table I do know what you're talking about but it wasn't until I saw it the penny dropped. If you say wooden tables with tablecloths your reader will form a suitable image.

 

[Martin Gill]

I'll back up a couple of other comments in that the "one of the patrons sat on the ceiling" line in the middle jars. Either focus on that and make Gareth react to it immediately, or pre-establish that this is the norm. Reading it, I don't care about pool tables and dart boards after I learn that someone is on the ceiling. I'm getting a bit of a Robert Rankin vibe here. What he does so well if ground things in an utterly normal world, then make them weird.

 

[MemoryTale]

Thank you for the comments, I think a bit of context is in order - due to other events in the story, Gareth is not at his sharpest here, hence why he only really pays attention once his brain has kicked him in the ear.

Anya and others, I know I didn't specifically ask for grammatical nitpicking, but a few picked nits will never be unappreciated so thank you for the time.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

And for that, I still stand in disagreement with the others. I think the reader picks up on the guy sitting on the ceiling, and then wonders why he's just continuing to take inventory of the room, and it succeeds in its comedic effect. You're waiting for him to go back and notice what he just saw, like "err... hello?" Perhaps it's just the style of what I write, but I can see this working just fine. There are obvious smoothness issues in the text, but the effect of the brain taking a bit to catch up with the roving eye is fine, to me. It reminds me of Spider Robinson.

 

[Martin Robert]

Interesting read. If you're going for the jarring affect, I'm not sure that mentioning the patron on the ceiling the first time helps. Maybe...undecided about it. A few other points...
-In both versions, I immediately wonder....illuminated the inside of what? A building? A tent?
-One for snooker and one for?? Maybe mention this and then comment on the dartboard.
-Someone else mentioned the "up off" part
-Is nobody else in here? I'm guessing there are other people, but it reads to me like an empty room sans the ceiling lurker. Are people at the tables or bar? Are people playing snooker? Nobody else notices dude on the ceiling?