Does this work? (130 words)

[MemoryTale]

Thanks for the feedback

Interesting read. If you're going for the jarring affect, I'm not sure that mentioning the patron on the ceiling the first time helps. Maybe...undecided about it. A few other points...
-In both versions, I immediately wonder....illuminated the inside of what? A building? A tent?

Bit of context, in the WIP it is established he's gone looking for a bar - I left that part out because it didn't have anything to do with what I wanted to know.

-One for snooker and one for?? Maybe mention this and then comment on the dartboard.

I accidentally deleted the word "pool" on the retype, thanks for the catch

-Is nobody else in here? I'm guessing there are other people, but it reads to me like an empty room sans the ceiling lurker. Are people at the tables or bar? Are people playing snooker? Nobody else notices dude on the ceiling?

More context. This is a superhero story. More accurately it's a people with powers story. This bar is where people with powers go to hang out, but it's a hidden society. Gareth doesn't know he's got a power, which is why the guy on the ceiling is such a surprise to him. No-one else really cares.

 

[Martin Robert]

I would still expect some sign of people. It might have a little more impact on his surprise if nobody else is gaping at the ceiling lurker.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

find this kind of construction clunky - "each having a central pole rising up off of four feet"

Yes.
Sounds like patio tables with the umbrellas missing? I don't know how to write it, but I agree, it's clumsy.

I do get the weirdness. I think the attention wanders away and back to glass too much?

 

[barrett1987]

Rearranged your paragraph for better effect.
I agree with the judge. jumpy jumpy hurty hurty.


The inside was gently lit, and was done up with a light coloured wood effect. The tables were made from the same light coloured wood, each having a central pole rising up off of four feet. Each table was covered with a small white table cloth. The far side of the bar was an open plan games area with two tables for pool, one for snooker and a dartboard on the wall. The bar itself was a solid oaken affair. The top was lit by lights that shone through the various bottles behind the bar, the coloured liquids giving it a strangely disco effect. One of the patrons was sitting on the ceiling.

Gareth’s eyes watered. The guy's drink was somehow staying in the glass. <insert Gareth's internal thoughts on this strange view here>