Mind control things (400 words)

[allmywires]

I've been working on this scene for a little while and now have stared at it too much to know if it's actually working/making sense. This is a way into the WIP so we already know these 3 pretty well. Does the mind-controlly business work/make sense/seem suitably dramatic?

Any other crit points of course always welcome.

****

“Lucian,” Cesar said, eyes wide. Max’s heart sunk to his stomach at his innocent ignorance. “Gods. It’s been years.”

“Ten of them, in fact,” Lucian said smoothly, raising his cup to Cesar. The pupils in his dark eyes were still blown wide, and Max willed himself to stay out of this, to not prod where he wasn’t wanted. “Tell me, how did your father’s army suit you, Private Montgomery?”

Max watched as Cesar’s expression shifted, from surprise to hostility. Sweat pricked the bridge of his nose, and Max sensed something dreadfully out of his control was about to happen. He tried to intervene, to stop Lucian before he started, but his mind was foggier than usual, and Max felt his grip on Lucian’s subconscious weaken, then slip. Frowning, he tried again. He couldn’t get a hold.

Lucian didn’t even glance at him. It was if he hadn’t even felt him in his mind.

“I see you’ve not changed,” Cesar said, scowling and knocking back his jiin-ke.

“On the contrary,” Lucian said, with a small smile. “Maximilian and I have rather grown together in the time you’ve been away. Isn’t it upsetting to see old friends moving on without you – to see the gap in their lives you left behind has been smoothly bricked up, leaving hardly a trace that you were ever there at all?”

A sickly feeling crept up Max’s veins, and he resisted the urge to move to stand in between Lucian and Cesar. There was a heavy, static portent in the air, like the feeling just before the crackle of a thunderstorm.

The three of them had not been in the same room for a decade. He remembered the last time they had seen one another with distinct clarity: their heads freshly shaven, standing shivering in a room with bare stone walls, waiting. And then, like a miracle, Cesar’s father whisking him away…

He remembered the violent jealousy in Lucian’s eyes when Cesar had been called away, that cold anger that had replaced the hope his own mother would come for him after they were weeks into their internment, drugged and lethargic. Max could sense that again now, feel it simmering under his skin, feeding the hot lick of Lucian’s mind as it reached out for Cesar.

“No,” Max blurted out, attempting to block his mind again, but again he couldn’t get a grasp. Panicked, he tried again, but Lucian’s mind was now like an angry buzz of static, and he couldn’t get a clear read on him. No. This couldn’t be happening. They had a system. This was how it worked. Alpha and beta, the finger on the trigger. He was the only one that could control him.

He had to be able to control him.

 

[Ihe]

I liked it. The mind thing is clear enough, and the narrating is balanced in pace, description, emotion, and exposition. Starting with all 3 characters did confuse me and at many points I didn't know who was speaking, but I'm plunging into this scene uncontextualized, so it might just be me. I do think I found a few bits that could be tightened:

Max watched as Cesar’s expression shifted, from surprise to hostility.

You're telling, not showing.

“Maximilian and I have rather grown together in the time you’ve been away.

Grown closer together, you mean?

He remembered the violent jealousy in Lucian’s eyes when Cesar had been called away, that cold anger that had replaced the hope his own mother would come for him after they were weeks into their internment, drugged and lethargic.

Uncalled for and not relevant to this moment, also referred to as an "info-dump".

attempting to block his mind again, but again he couldn’t get a grasp.

Surely there are better ways of phrasing this.

Good work.

 

[allmywires]

Thanks - it's a bit from the middle of a scene, so it doesn't actually start with the 3 of them. Cheers for the feedback

 

[Brian G Turner]

You have a lot of little details that slow the narrative, and Max's character comes across as somewhat passive. IMO you could benefit from some hard cutting, ie:

“Lucian,” Cesar said, eyes wide. Max’s heart sunk to his stomach at his innocent ignorance - That Max's stomach sinks is a good reaction, but the reference to "innocent ignorance" sounds convoluted. “Gods. It’s been years.”

“Ten of them, in fact,” Lucian said smoothly, raising[ed] his cup to Cesar. The pupils in his dark eyes were still blown wide, and Max willed himself to stay out of this, to not prod where he wasn’t wanted. “Tell me, how did your father’s army suit you, Private Montgomery?”

The following paragraph could be a great place to put in Max's reactions. But rather than feeling like a dynamic action, the character experience feels distant to me - as you have it now, he simply watches and senses, and tries [there is only do or don't!]. IMO you could be more overt and concise about the mind control process:

Max watched as Cesar’s expression shifted, from surprise to hostility. Sweat pricked the bridge of his nose, and Max sensed something dreadfully out of his control was about to happen. He tried to intervene, to stop Lucian before he started, but his mind was foggier than usual, and Max felt his grip on Lucian’s subconscious weaken, then slip. Frowning, he tried again. He couldn’t get a hold.

Lucian didn’t even glance at him. It was if he hadn’t even felt him in his mind.

“I see you’ve not changed,” Cesar said, scowling and knocking back his jiin-ke - everytime Lucian or Cesar speak, you add an action that seems to take us away from the immediacy.

“On the contrary,” Lucian said, with a small smile - again!. “Maximilian and I have rather grown together in the time you’ve been away. Isn’t it upsetting to see old friends moving on without you – to see the gap in their lives you left behind has been smoothly bricked up, leaving hardly a trace that you were ever there at all?”

A sickly feeling crept up Max’s veins, and he resisted the urge to move to stand in between Lucian and Cesar - why? What's he thinking/planning?. There was a heavy, static portent in the air, like the feeling just before the crackle of a thunderstorm.

The three of them had not been in the same room for a decade. He remembered the last time they had seen one another with distinct clarity: their heads freshly shaven, standing shivering in a room with bare stone walls, waiting. And then, like a miracle, Cesar’s father whisking him away…

He remembered the violent jealousy in Lucian’s eyes when Cesar had been called away, that cold anger that had replaced the hope his own mother would come for him after they were weeks into their internment, drugged and lethargic. Max could sense that again now, feel it simmering under his skin, feeding the hot lick of Lucian’s mind as it reached out for Cesar.

^ unclear backstory. Any way to be more concise? And again, all Max is doing is sensing - he did that a few paragraphs ago, and you also had the image of air before the thunderstorm.

“No,” Max blurted out, attempting to block his mind again Was he trying to block his mind? A moment ago he was trying to control Lucian, but again he couldn’t get a grasp. Panicked, he tried again, but Lucian’s mind So Max *is* trying to control Lucian, while trying to block his own mind? was now like an angry buzz of static, and he couldn’t get a clear read on him. No. This couldn’t be happening. They had a system. This was how it worked. Alpha and beta, the finger on the trigger. He was the only one that could control him.

He had to be able to control him.

I've probably overdone it, but that's the difficulty of working with a late piece rather than opening. I get a sense that you really want to show a struggle of wills - but IMO that's not coming across as clear and concise as you could.

 

[Void]

Firstly, I really liked the concept and I found the idea of one character 'needing to control' another engaging. I straight away wanted to know why Max had to control Lucian and liked the potential for the dynamic between the characters. This was the bit that really captured me, the rest I wasn't quite so interested in, so maybe that's the bit where the scene really starts?

I do have to agree that I had to read it a couple of times to figure out exactly what was going on and who was doing what to whom. If this is part of your opening, it might be good to get to the crux of what's going on without too much description, for example:

“I see you’ve not changed,” Cesar said, scowling and knocking back his jiin-ke.

I don't know what a jiin-ke is, I'm assuming it's some kind of drink? Either way I don't really need to know that Cesar is scowling and drinking it because the displeasure come across clearly enough in what he actually says, so I can fill in the blanks without the kind of 'stage direction' given.

I'm massively guilty of trying to stage-manage all of the actions in the scenes I write and it's something that I've been mercilessly trying to obliterate in my own rewrite, so it might just be that I'm particularly sensitive to this in writing now. However I do feel like you have a great concept, but that it's being a little hampered in delivery by there being too many words trying to covey it.

That said, I would really love to read a rewritten version of this, I'm really interested in how the story may develop!

 

[Phyrebrat]

Hi AMW,

I think it's definitely clear about the mind controlly stuff and also intriguing. There's a great sense of character and their motivations within such a small amount of words, so I'd say it pretty much succeeds as far as I'm concerned. (Oh I love the feel of the line 'feeding the hot lick...' it's very evocative and links well.)

Some minor suggestions below. Of course, this is all my own bias so it's just as likely you'll want to discard these:

“Lucian,” Cesar said, eyes wide. Max’s heart sunk to his stomach at his innocent ignorance. “Gods. It’s been years.” is Max saying the 'Gods...' bit or Cesar - I'd assume Cesar, but because of the fact that this is Max's POV and he's an observer, but we haven't identified that yet, so there was a little bit of confusion for me at first read.

to not prod where he wasn’t wanted - to my ears, not to prod is a cleaner arrangement in terms of rhythm but I'm not sure if that contradicts grammar rules etc.

It was if he hadn’t even felt him in his mind. I'd suggest deleting in his mind - as by now it's implicit.

"...leaving hardly a trace that you were ever there at all?” Using the word trace suggests to me that even, not ever might be a harsher choice of word for Lucian to use.

I'm not sold on the use of crackle to describe thunder as it implies a high-EQ register as opposed to the low-EQ bass of thunder.

...that cold anger that had replaced the hope - that's a lot of thats perhaps a cold anger replaced, or had replaced?

So, nothing really beyond personal preference. I think it's a great little passage and there's some really evocative stuff there.

pH

 

[allmywires]

I don't know what a jiin-ke is, I'm assuming it's some kind of drink? Either way I don't really need to know that Cesar is scowling and drinking it because the displeasure come across clearly enough in what he actually says, so I can fill in the blanks without the kind of 'stage direction' given.

Thank you! Yes, jiin-ke is the name of a liquor. Good spot...I will rewrite that!

Thanks again everyone. I appreciate (on reflection...!) it's hard to crit a scene where everyone is already introduced etc so thanks for making it through!

 

[Bowler1]

I do have to agree that I had to read it a couple of times to figure out exactly what was going on and who was doing what to whom.

This was my impression on reading also and I think the heavy use of names in the section didn't help, as below.

“Ten of them, in fact,” Lucian said smoothly, raising his cup to Cesar. The pupils in his dark eyes were still blown wide, and Max willed himself to stay out of this, to not prod where he wasn’t wanted. “Tell me, how did your father’s army suit you, Private Montgomery?”

So we have three characters and four names right at the start and this didn't help my yellow head. I'd question the value of the flashback (in general, I'd question any flashback) and it took me away from the moment. I can see you were trying to add tension, but instead it was back story that detracted from the building tension and the moment. I think you needed to stay in the scene and the present to keep the tension. So because of the names and the flashback, it didn't do it for me.

I didn't mind the actions too much. So a little less padding, or flashbacks, more controlled on what your presenting to the reader so its super clear and then no more problems - I say all too easily. Anyway mate, your judgement and writers instinct are correct, I believe the section wasn't pulling together as well. The drama is there, but the structure of the scene will have to be worked on some more. And with that, I'm off.

 

[chrispenycate]

to not prod where he wasn’t wanted - to my ears, not to prod is a cleaner arrangement in terms of rhythm but I'm not sure if that contradicts grammar rules etc.

'To not prod' is a split infinitive, punishable even now by something fairly nasty. English is the only language I know where the infinitive of a verb is two words, and they should always be kept in contact - 'to smile', 'to smile pleasantly' but never, ever 'to pleasantly smile' unless in dialogue where you are indicating that the speaker does not know the language well.

 

[HareBrain]

To my mind, there's a subtle difference in meaning between "not to [verb]" and "to not [verb]", which might be important in some contexts. The first suggests a mere lack of action, the second a positive avoidance of action. And the rule against splitting an infinitive is a bit weak, in my opinion -- it was decided that since it was impossible to split an infinitive in Latin, it was also unacceptable in English. But there's nothing to say that if Latin infinitives were made of two or more words, splitting them would be unacceptable -- we can't know.

A third option would be "to prod not". That sounds a bit archaic, but following the example of "wouldn't", etc, it could be shortened to "prodn't", which might be a consideration in tight wordcount situations.