Where do I punctuate? (colons, semicolons and/or commas)

[Phyrebrat]

One of my characters is mentally logging similarities between experiences he's had, and those he has recently read in an old journal. I've punctuated it as below and although I know the supposed rules of colons and semicolons, I'm not sure how they apply to this. Any takers?

Thanks

pH

Of the few entries he’d read properly, Nestor found an astounding amount of similarities: he saw four dogs, the Selwyns had four dogs; he’d imagined a long pier, Lady Selwyn made mention of such a pier; she’d even written about the uncommon sounds of the estate.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

To some extent this is just a matter of taste. I would probably do it this way.

Of the few entries he’d read properly, Nestor found an astounding amount of similarities. He saw four dogs, the Selwyns had four dogs; he’d imagined a long pier, Lady Selwyn made mention of such a pier; she’d even written about the uncommon sounds of the estate.

(I would probably also say "number" rather than "amount.")

 

[tinkerdan]

What I see when I read this is::

Of the few entries he’d read, Nestor found an astounding amount of similarities.
He saw four dogs and the Selwyns had four dogs.
He’d imagined a long pier and Lady Selwyn made mention of such a pier.
She’d even written about the uncommon sounds of the estate.

Now if I were to run all this together I'd be tempted to put a comma at similarities but I finally decided on a semicolon between the clauses until I got to the end of the pier.

Of the few entries he’d read, Nestor found an astounding amount of similarities; he saw four dogs, the Selwyns had four dogs; he’d imagined a long pier, Lady Selwyn made mention of such a pier and she’d even written about the uncommon sounds of the estate.

Now I probably should have put another colon for the last but I added and; so I should have perhaps put at least a comma, but it's already punctuation heavy so I cheated and left it out.

I took out properly, but it might need to stay for the voice.

 

[Phyrebrat]

I prefer number to amount, and removing properly is an improvement. I can't imagine a 1760s Earl using properly the way I have it.

Thanks both - I'll change.

pH

 

[HareBrain]

I'd go for separate sentences myself.

Of the few entries he’d read properly, Nestor found an astounding amount of similarities. He saw four dogs; the Selwyns had four dogs. He’d imagined a long pier; Lady Selwyn made mention of such a pier. She’d even written about the uncommon sounds of the estate.

 

[crystal haven]

HareBrain's suggestion is the one I'd use.

 

[Ursa major]

I think the punctuation is a bit iffy** in the original version: it's full of comma splices, such as:

he saw four dogs, the Selwyns had four dogs;

In other circumstances, i.e. if this was a sentence, it would be punctuated thus:

He saw four dogs; the Selwyns had four dogs.
​

HareBrain has provided one solution: making the series of observations separate sentences (separating each pair of ideas with a semicolon).

Two other obvious solutions are possible, using dashes or brackets:

Of the few entries he’d read properly, Nestor found an astounding amount of similarities: he saw four dogs -- the Selwyns had four dogs -- he’d imagined a long pier -- Lady Selwyn made mention of such a pier and she’d even written about the uncommon sounds of the estate.

Of the few entries he’d read properly, Nestor found an astounding amount of similarities: he saw four dogs (the Selwyns had four dogs); he’d imagined a long pier (Lady Selwyn made mention of such a pier; she’d even written about the uncommon sounds of the estate).​

Using dashes doesn't look good here, and the reader will soon lose track*** of which bits are the main train of thought and which are asides. Using brackets doesn't work well for a different reason: it makes the narration look more like the text of a non-fiction book (and there's too much text within the brackets compared to the amount of text outside them).

So, basically, and in the absence of another suggestion, I think I prefer HareBrain's solution (including creating that last sentence, because "She'd even..." is meant to stand out a bit from the previous aside).


** - Though perhaps the average reader isn't as bothered with comma splices as I am.

*** - It forces the removal of the other punctuation (as you can't really have a comma or semicolon straight after a dash).

 

[Phyrebrat]

Yes, after the Hare posted I used his suggestion, retaining Victoria's elegant (and grammatically correct 'number').

My characters often speak parenthetically, and my prose is littered with dashes, so I'd prefer to stick with the semicolons. I just wish I could understand the rule. It just seems so open to interpretation I get flummoxed.

Moreover as this section is set in 1761, I have an awkwardness about folks speaking in brackets which seems modern, or like you say, referential.

pH

 

[Brian G Turner]

Harebrain's advice is similar to something Teresa said to me in her editing notes. Essentially, what you're doing with the semi-colons is creating a clear list, and while there's nothing technically wrong in trying to do so, HB's suggestion makes it a more natural part of the prose. Because of that, it comes across as more engaging and less detached.

2c.