Christopher Lee
Formerly BluePhoenix711
This is the first chapter of my newest book that I'm working on. It's a fantasy revenge story and this is where it all begins. The book's almost done and I decided to post this here to get some feedback and whatnot. It's the first draft but this particular chapter has been revised a couple times.
Any and all advice is welcome. Be cruel, be brutal, and be honest. Thanks guys!
By the way, it's 1500 words in length.
Chapter 1
Breaking the Heart of a Killer
Kelf stood beneath a clear sky with a bright sun beating down on him from above. An ax hang limply from one hand as he used the other to hold a glass of water to his mouth, gulping it down furiously. Water dripped from his beard as he tossed the glass aside, and then resumed chopping wood. Inside the house, Mary would be preparing dinner by now while Susan and Lily sat at the table, studying their alchemy books. His wife had insisted they be allowed to take alchemy this year, despite his opposition. Kelf frowned.
He paused, feeling the wind on his burned cheeks. He could hear the padded footsteps of something small trying to sound big as it stomped through the leaves. He could hear the grass being disturbed as someone advanced on him from behind. He whirled around and... smiled. Lily was standing there in a blue and yellow dress, her curly hair floating about her head like tiny dark clouds, holding a plate of cookies.
“Hey, Daddy. Momma’ said you might want a little snack.”
Kelf rubbed one calloused hand through her hair and laughed. “I’ll bet the cookies were your idea, eh sweetie?”
“Yeah,” she said. She looked so much like her mother it thrilled and terrified him at the same time. The same high cheekbones and sparkling pale blue eyes of a Blessed. He’d have his hands full in another six years or so. “She said you might be hungry so I brought you cookies!”
“Well,” he said, snatching one of the cookies from her plate. “You were right, young lady. I was just thinking how delicious a cookie would taste right about now.”
Lily laughed. “You were? Well it’s because i could read your mind!”
Kelf dropped to one knee. “That you did, my young lady. Now hurry back to the house and help your mother finish dinner. Tell your sister she’s spent enough time on that alchemy for one day.” He kissed her forehead.
“Yes, daddy,” she said, scurrying away as quickly as her short legs would carry her. She dropped probably half a dozen cookies before she made it to the house.
Kelf smiled and turned back to the pile of wood. He set up another block and brought his axe down, splitting it down the middle with little force. He decided he would finish this pile before heading to the house. He was feeling good. Feeling Strong.
A piercing scream rent the air like a knife through butter. Kelf spun around, looking to the house. He could see the front door was open and he saw a stranger poke their head outside and then disappear back inside. Kelf took off through the field, running faster than he had ran in nearly a decade. Floating strands from dandelions being carried on the wind caressed his cheeks as he ran, his chest heaving with each gasping breath. He reached the house and stood outside the door. He could hear no screams, not even a whimper. As he planted one boot on the front porch, a knife soared out of the darkness beyond the doorway and lodged itself firmly in his left shoulder.
He staggered back as a figure slowly emerged from that darkness.
"You play a dangerous game, brother. You've avoided our detection for nearly ten years now." The slim figure standing before him was cloaked and hooded, clad in a familiar black and proud. Kelf could just make out her flawless complexion beneath her cowl. A knife dropped from one sleeve and into her hand.
"I would not have taken you for a farmer had I not seen it with my own eyes."
"Silith," Kelf hissed, unbelieving. "Why are you here?"
The woman named Silith laughed. "I am not alone, brother."
Three more figures emerged from the darkness. Similarly cloaked and hooded, though one stood taller than the rest. This one was holding a sword, the thick blade pointed to the ground. Tendrils of crimson ran down the length of the blade, dripping onto the front porch.
Kelf's eyes widened, his jaw dropped. His only thought, It can’t be. He gritted his teeth, and in one fluid motion, ignoring the fire burning in his left shoulder, he leaped to his feet and threw himself at the tall figure. The figure stepped aside with the grace of a cat, it's feet hardly seemed to touch the porch. The figure slammed the flat of its bloody blade down on Kelf's back. He dropped to the ground in a sweaty heap. Another figure stepped forward and kicked a boot into Kelf's ribs. Kelf gasped, struggling for air. The woman called Silith stepped forward and removed her hood, revealing a face fit only for a Goddess. Her thick, red lips formed a smile.
"You made a grave mistake thinking you could hide from me, Raven."
Kelf spat at the ground, lifting himself to his hands and knees. "My name is Kelf. Raven died with your foul ideology. Where’s my family?"
"Your family," she said, softly, "is right here, Raven. Those strangers inside, however, have been dealt with. Unfortunately, they had to suffer the consequences of your actions."
Kelf inhaled a single deep breath, mustering what energy he had left, and sprang back up into action. He threw a fist into the tall man's stomach, and then tackled Silith. The two of them flew from the front porch and landed in the dirt in a heap of her black robes. She put both feet to his chest and kicked up to the sky, hurling Kelf into the stairs. He felt something in his leg craaack, and a sharp pain shot up his leg and through his spine. He could feel four pairs of eyes looking down at him.
"You disrespected us, brother," one said, casting back his hood. His hair was white, his nose sharp and eyes beady. Dagoth, the Butcher.
Silith placed a gloved hand on Dagoth’s shoulder. "I told you, Raven, that leaving the Dark Family isn't an option. You wounded your brothers, but the pain that your betrayal caused me was even greater." She stepped forward, placing one laced boot across Kelf’s throat, pinning him to the steps.
"You killed them," Kelf gasped. "You killed them... You killed our baby..." His voice trailed off as his air supply slowly diminished.
"I did what I had to do, Raven. There's no room in the Dark Family for children, nor can we spare one of our own being crippled for so long, unable to perform their duties. You knew our commandments. You knowingly betrayed us all. The punishment is not just death, but agonizing death. We will torture you until you no longer feel.” She paused, bending down to his eye level, and added, "Be thankful that your new family went quick and painless. We allowed you that one mercy, Raven. No more."
She removed her foot from his throat and Dagoth stepped forward and lifted him up from his shoulders. Kelf was too tired to resist. The past years had softened him. He was no match for the Dark Family. All he could think about was Lily and Serena. So young, so innocent. And Mary, whom he'd hid his past from until the day his past had caught up with him and taken her away. They were at peace now, yes, cradled in the arms of merciful Seenath, but they were too young to be at peace. Too young to be gone.
Korth, one of the two who hadn't said a word, removed his hood, nodded at Silith, and then drew a knife etched with runes. The handle was ornately made, a ceremonial weapon. Korth looked Kelf in the eyes and Kelf saw rage. Well contained and controlled rage. Then, Silith gestured at the other silent one--that would be Blithe, Kelf knew--and disappeared back into the house.
Then Kelf hissed through gritted teeth as the ceremonial blade dug deep into his belly. Korth withdrew the knife and wiped the blood on a cloth he produced from beneath his robes. He tossed the cloth at Kelf and spun around, walking away. Kelf fell sideways to the dirt ground. Blood flowed out from beneath him in little rivers, branching off as it tumbled into a rock or root.
"Blithe," Silith said as the thick man emerged from the doorway. "I don't want a single patch of skin not covered in a bruise. Use whatever you want, just make sure it's blunt. Then check to see he is dead before returning home."
"You left me no other alternative," she said, looking down at him. "I do hope you enjoyed what little time you were given with your new family."
Kelf watched as she strolled away, sword dangling at her waist as her hips rocked hypnotically left and right. He hoped Blithe would kill him. He hoped Blithe would end the pain and the suffering. Because if he didn't, Kelf would come for them with a wrath no mortal man has ever seen. He would do things to them that not even the Dark Family could conjure to mind.
As Blithe stood over him, a dark-robed intimidating figure of a man, holding a cudgel to the sky, Kelf closed his eyes and smiled. He would see Lily and Serena and Mary again soon. He would wrap them in his warm embrace and he would never again let them go.
Any and all advice is welcome. Be cruel, be brutal, and be honest. Thanks guys!
By the way, it's 1500 words in length.
Chapter 1
Breaking the Heart of a Killer
Kelf stood beneath a clear sky with a bright sun beating down on him from above. An ax hang limply from one hand as he used the other to hold a glass of water to his mouth, gulping it down furiously. Water dripped from his beard as he tossed the glass aside, and then resumed chopping wood. Inside the house, Mary would be preparing dinner by now while Susan and Lily sat at the table, studying their alchemy books. His wife had insisted they be allowed to take alchemy this year, despite his opposition. Kelf frowned.
He paused, feeling the wind on his burned cheeks. He could hear the padded footsteps of something small trying to sound big as it stomped through the leaves. He could hear the grass being disturbed as someone advanced on him from behind. He whirled around and... smiled. Lily was standing there in a blue and yellow dress, her curly hair floating about her head like tiny dark clouds, holding a plate of cookies.
“Hey, Daddy. Momma’ said you might want a little snack.”
Kelf rubbed one calloused hand through her hair and laughed. “I’ll bet the cookies were your idea, eh sweetie?”
“Yeah,” she said. She looked so much like her mother it thrilled and terrified him at the same time. The same high cheekbones and sparkling pale blue eyes of a Blessed. He’d have his hands full in another six years or so. “She said you might be hungry so I brought you cookies!”
“Well,” he said, snatching one of the cookies from her plate. “You were right, young lady. I was just thinking how delicious a cookie would taste right about now.”
Lily laughed. “You were? Well it’s because i could read your mind!”
Kelf dropped to one knee. “That you did, my young lady. Now hurry back to the house and help your mother finish dinner. Tell your sister she’s spent enough time on that alchemy for one day.” He kissed her forehead.
“Yes, daddy,” she said, scurrying away as quickly as her short legs would carry her. She dropped probably half a dozen cookies before she made it to the house.
Kelf smiled and turned back to the pile of wood. He set up another block and brought his axe down, splitting it down the middle with little force. He decided he would finish this pile before heading to the house. He was feeling good. Feeling Strong.
A piercing scream rent the air like a knife through butter. Kelf spun around, looking to the house. He could see the front door was open and he saw a stranger poke their head outside and then disappear back inside. Kelf took off through the field, running faster than he had ran in nearly a decade. Floating strands from dandelions being carried on the wind caressed his cheeks as he ran, his chest heaving with each gasping breath. He reached the house and stood outside the door. He could hear no screams, not even a whimper. As he planted one boot on the front porch, a knife soared out of the darkness beyond the doorway and lodged itself firmly in his left shoulder.
He staggered back as a figure slowly emerged from that darkness.
"You play a dangerous game, brother. You've avoided our detection for nearly ten years now." The slim figure standing before him was cloaked and hooded, clad in a familiar black and proud. Kelf could just make out her flawless complexion beneath her cowl. A knife dropped from one sleeve and into her hand.
"I would not have taken you for a farmer had I not seen it with my own eyes."
"Silith," Kelf hissed, unbelieving. "Why are you here?"
The woman named Silith laughed. "I am not alone, brother."
Three more figures emerged from the darkness. Similarly cloaked and hooded, though one stood taller than the rest. This one was holding a sword, the thick blade pointed to the ground. Tendrils of crimson ran down the length of the blade, dripping onto the front porch.
Kelf's eyes widened, his jaw dropped. His only thought, It can’t be. He gritted his teeth, and in one fluid motion, ignoring the fire burning in his left shoulder, he leaped to his feet and threw himself at the tall figure. The figure stepped aside with the grace of a cat, it's feet hardly seemed to touch the porch. The figure slammed the flat of its bloody blade down on Kelf's back. He dropped to the ground in a sweaty heap. Another figure stepped forward and kicked a boot into Kelf's ribs. Kelf gasped, struggling for air. The woman called Silith stepped forward and removed her hood, revealing a face fit only for a Goddess. Her thick, red lips formed a smile.
"You made a grave mistake thinking you could hide from me, Raven."
Kelf spat at the ground, lifting himself to his hands and knees. "My name is Kelf. Raven died with your foul ideology. Where’s my family?"
"Your family," she said, softly, "is right here, Raven. Those strangers inside, however, have been dealt with. Unfortunately, they had to suffer the consequences of your actions."
Kelf inhaled a single deep breath, mustering what energy he had left, and sprang back up into action. He threw a fist into the tall man's stomach, and then tackled Silith. The two of them flew from the front porch and landed in the dirt in a heap of her black robes. She put both feet to his chest and kicked up to the sky, hurling Kelf into the stairs. He felt something in his leg craaack, and a sharp pain shot up his leg and through his spine. He could feel four pairs of eyes looking down at him.
"You disrespected us, brother," one said, casting back his hood. His hair was white, his nose sharp and eyes beady. Dagoth, the Butcher.
Silith placed a gloved hand on Dagoth’s shoulder. "I told you, Raven, that leaving the Dark Family isn't an option. You wounded your brothers, but the pain that your betrayal caused me was even greater." She stepped forward, placing one laced boot across Kelf’s throat, pinning him to the steps.
"You killed them," Kelf gasped. "You killed them... You killed our baby..." His voice trailed off as his air supply slowly diminished.
"I did what I had to do, Raven. There's no room in the Dark Family for children, nor can we spare one of our own being crippled for so long, unable to perform their duties. You knew our commandments. You knowingly betrayed us all. The punishment is not just death, but agonizing death. We will torture you until you no longer feel.” She paused, bending down to his eye level, and added, "Be thankful that your new family went quick and painless. We allowed you that one mercy, Raven. No more."
She removed her foot from his throat and Dagoth stepped forward and lifted him up from his shoulders. Kelf was too tired to resist. The past years had softened him. He was no match for the Dark Family. All he could think about was Lily and Serena. So young, so innocent. And Mary, whom he'd hid his past from until the day his past had caught up with him and taken her away. They were at peace now, yes, cradled in the arms of merciful Seenath, but they were too young to be at peace. Too young to be gone.
Korth, one of the two who hadn't said a word, removed his hood, nodded at Silith, and then drew a knife etched with runes. The handle was ornately made, a ceremonial weapon. Korth looked Kelf in the eyes and Kelf saw rage. Well contained and controlled rage. Then, Silith gestured at the other silent one--that would be Blithe, Kelf knew--and disappeared back into the house.
Then Kelf hissed through gritted teeth as the ceremonial blade dug deep into his belly. Korth withdrew the knife and wiped the blood on a cloth he produced from beneath his robes. He tossed the cloth at Kelf and spun around, walking away. Kelf fell sideways to the dirt ground. Blood flowed out from beneath him in little rivers, branching off as it tumbled into a rock or root.
"Blithe," Silith said as the thick man emerged from the doorway. "I don't want a single patch of skin not covered in a bruise. Use whatever you want, just make sure it's blunt. Then check to see he is dead before returning home."
"You left me no other alternative," she said, looking down at him. "I do hope you enjoyed what little time you were given with your new family."
Kelf watched as she strolled away, sword dangling at her waist as her hips rocked hypnotically left and right. He hoped Blithe would kill him. He hoped Blithe would end the pain and the suffering. Because if he didn't, Kelf would come for them with a wrath no mortal man has ever seen. He would do things to them that not even the Dark Family could conjure to mind.
As Blithe stood over him, a dark-robed intimidating figure of a man, holding a cudgel to the sky, Kelf closed his eyes and smiled. He would see Lily and Serena and Mary again soon. He would wrap them in his warm embrace and he would never again let them go.
