A Soul In Shadows: Chapter One

[Vaz]

Hey ladies, gents.

Been too long since I posted here and I would like some help sharpening this rough draft of my epic fantasy. this is only part of the first chapter, about 355 words so not too long.

All comments welcome especially on the tone of the piece and character and whether or not y'all like it.

Cheers in advance - Vaz

Rituals Never Get Any Easier​

Amari stiffened as slick fangs pierced her skin. Tonight, she would swim in deaths’ water’s once more, and try to keep from drowning. She lurched forward, fingernails digging into the chair as her supper decorated her boots: chunks of pale fish, a smear of carrots, and bile black with blood bubbled beneath her feet in an unclean wake. It was all worth it, for the child. If he was beyond the Shadow’s Veil he would be at peace, back in the dirt. If no, he may be suffering, a wretch hung in some beast’s pit. Even so, life spins endless webs, it's possibilities are many, the dirt, however, has but one outcome, rot and waste. She wanted him to be alive, to be the one who brings him home no matter the cost to them both. Fire licked at her throat during such thoughts, selfishness writhing in her bowels like vipers. ‘Alive,’ she mouthed in the growing gloom, darkness drowning out a few weak candles and turning the world to coal as venom snaked through her veins. A coat of sweat clothed her skin leaking from her pores in fat oily drops daring her to itch as the Soul Spider crept up her arm and onto her cheek like a cold shiver. Still she sat, breathe ragged in her nose and heart drumming so loud her skull thrummed with blood. She was sure it was close to bursting. Rituals never get any easier, truth be told. The deeper you swim the more chance of drowning.

Memories pricked her mind sour and grim. Why is it when life's tapestry unravels the shittiest threads are the hardest to sever? Pain stuck her skull sharp as spears as she fought off the worst of them, burying them deeper and focusing on the boy. His laugh which always touched a smile to her lips with its warmth, a song sweeter than any summer birds that only a child's heart can sing.

The Spider pressed at her lips, its legs the keen fingers of a terrible lover eager to be inside her. She opened her mouth fighting a gag as it tickled onto her tongue, biting down hard.

It was time. She took her last breath, not for the first time.

 

[tinkerdan]

Nice.
Do you mean--Pain struck her skull--?
And who bit down hard: the spider bit her tongue or she bit the spider?

 

[Droflet]

Great first line, great last line, and, ah, everything in between. A nice descriptive piece of writing, Vas. Well done.

 

[Cat's Cradle]

Hey Vaz! This seems to me an ambitious start, with much potential. I wonder, with tinkerdan's query about struck/stuck...were you going for the allusion to spears sticking, in which case stuck is in fact the word you wanted?
I'm not great with critiques, but I had one thought just at the appearance of the beginning. The first paragraph seems very dense to me. I copied it to word, and it's a block of 255 words. Could that be broken up...or should it be?
I don't know the whole story yet, of course, or the setting in detail. But it seems to me as if Amari is bitten twice, is that right? She reacts to a bite at the very beginning...doubling in her chair, vomiting, and then she is bitten again at the very last. There is such build-up to the bite at the end of the excerpt that it almost seems to me - from a story perspective - that that is the relevant bite...the one we are building to. Not sure the purpose of the first bite. I considered the possibility that this was a loop, and that the bite at the very beginning is indeed the same bite that you describe at the end and there was a time shift of memory going on between the opening lines and the last, but this didn't seem quite right to me because of the physical reactions (vomiting, etc) that are described at the very beginning, that then lead up to the ending bite. Or does the ritual require her being bitten twice?
I wonder with the first line - Amari stiffened as slick fangs pierced her skin. - if you could say: Amari stiffened as slick fangs pierced the skin of her ________., just to clarify whether there are one or two bites? (Maybe it's just me though, who would wonder.)
There were some technical issues, as there always are in drafts. Here are some notes - taken quickly - to give you an idea; these you'd likely have noticed (assuming I am right about them ) in an edit.


Amari stiffened as slick fangs pierced her skin. Tonight (I would dump this comma to help the mood/flow), she would swim in deaths’ water’s (death's waters, perhaps) once more, and try to keep from drowning. She lurched forward, fingernails digging into the chair as her supper decorated her boots: chunks of pale fish, a smear of carrots, and bile black with blood bubbled beneath (a big, bold block of alliteration? I always notice alliteration, and wondered if the b's were intentional here; I stumbled a bit on so many b's.) her feet in an unclean wake. It was all worth it, for the child. If he was beyond the Shadow’s Veil he would be at peace, back in the dirt. If no (if not?), he may be suffering, a wretch hung in some beast’s pit. Even so, life spins endless webs, it's (its) possibilities are many, the dirt, however (comma splice?), has but one outcome - rot and waste. She wanted him to be alive, to be the one who brings him home no matter the cost to them both. Fire licked at her throat during such thoughts, selfishness writhing in her bowels like vipers. ‘Alive,’ she mouthed in the growing gloom, darkness drowning out a few weak candles and turning the world to coal as venom snaked through her veins. A coat of sweat clothed her skin leaking from her pores in fat oily drops daring her to itch as the Soul Spider crept up her arm and onto her cheek like a cold shiver (this seems to me an awfully long sentence to have no commas...they might help clarify the meaning a bit). Still she sat, breathe (breath) ragged in her nose and heart drumming so loud her skull thrummed with blood. She was sure it was close to bursting. Rituals never get any easier, truth be told. The deeper you swim the more chance of drowning.


Memories pricked her mind sour and grim. Why is it when life's tapestry unravels, the shittiest threads are the hardest to sever (a comma, perhaps, so that it can't be read as life's tapestry unraveling the shittiest threads)? Pain stuck her skull sharp as spears, as (maybe a comma, followed by 'and', perhaps, rather than 'as') she fought off the worst of them, burying them deeper and focusing on the boy. His laugh, which always touched a smile to her lips with its warmth, a song sweeter than any summer birds' that only a child's heart can (could?) sing (I added a possessive at birds', thinking otherwise you were saying the laugh was sweeter than the birds themselves, rather than their song).


The Spider pressed at her lips, its legs the keen fingers of a terrible lover eager to be inside her. She opened her mouth fighting a gag as it tickled onto her tongue, biting down hard.


It was time. She took her last breath, not for the first time.

Love the last line! A lot of potential here, Vaz! It seemed to me that there were a number of sentences that were almost comma splicey...not sure if I'm reading them right. Anyway, there are my thoughts. Hope something there was useful, CC

 

[Vaz]

Hey chronners thanks for taking the time to comment!

Yes, @tinkerdan. I meant to type struck instead of stuck! And yes to your second question the spider bites her again when in her mouth, maybe I should make that part clearer?

Thank you @Droflet for the words of encouragement.

And @Cat's Cradle thanks for going a bit deeper. I do enjoy a comma so thanks for picking out all the little niggles in red which I can now tidy up! I think my problem with splicing could possibly be that I'm typing the words as if they are being spoken, so where the character would naturally pause when speaking is where I put comma's/full stops?

Thanks again for taking a look and digging through this. I also think I should break it up more, to make it easier on the eye.

Cheers - Vaz

 

[Colbey Frost]

Amari stiffened as slick fangs pierced her skin. Tonight,(delete comma as makes it seem over dramatic) she would swim in deaths’ water’s once more(death's waters), and try to keep from drowning. (I Like the first two sentences, but I think that the second one breaks up the action. It might be better served as a strong opener from which the action can flow, instead of being broken up.) She lurched forward, fingernails digging into the chair as her supper decorated her boots: chunks of pale fish, a smear of carrots, and bile black with blood bubbled beneath her feet in an unclean wake. (You say decorated, then go on to describe something... it's like being taken on a tour of a house. It's too formal and does not do your style of writing justice.) It was all worth it, for the child. If he was beyond the Shadow’s Veil he would be at peace, back in the dirt. If no, he may be suffering, a wretch hung in some beast’s pit. Even so, life spins endless webs, it's possibilities are many, the dirt, however, has but one outcome, rot and waste. She wanted him to be alive, to be the one who brings him home no matter the cost to them both(That's a massive pause in action and really breaks the flow. Suggest cutting down to what we need to know vs what you think we need to know). Fire licked at her throat during such thoughts, selfishness writhing in her bowels like vipers. ‘Alive,’ she mouthed in the growing gloom, darkness drowning out a few weak candles and turning the world to coal as venom snaked through her veins. A coat of sweat clothed her skin,(comma?) leaking from her pores in fat oily drops daring her to itch as the Soul Spider crept up her arm and onto her cheek like a cold shiver(cut. Too much). Still she sat, breathe ragged in her nose and heart drumming so loud her skull thrummed with blood. She was sure it was close to bursting (cut). Rituals never get any easier, truth be told. The deeper you swim the more chance of drowning.

Memories pricked her mind sour and grim. Why is it when life's tapestry unravels, (comma?) the shittiest threads are the hardest to sever? Pain stuck her skull sharp as spears as she fought off the worst of them, burying them deeper and focusing on the boy. His laugh which always touched a smile to her lips with its warmth, a song sweeter than any summer birds that only a child's heart can sing (cut).

The Spider pressed at her lips, its legs the keen fingers of a terrible lover eager to be inside her. She opened her mouth fighting a gag as it tickled onto her tongue, biting down hard.

It was time. She took her last breath, not for the first time.

Soooooo, below is your story with the small things I suggest you change and swap around. No actual words added by me.

Tonight she would swim in death's waters once more, and try to keep from drowning. Amari stiffened as slick fangs pierced her skin. She lurched forward, fingernails digging into the chair. Chunks of pale fish, a smear of carrots, and bile black with blood bubbled beneath her feet in an unclean wake. It was all worth it, for the child. If he was beyond the Shadow’s Veil he would be at peace, back in the dirt. She wanted him to be alive, to be the one who brings him home no matter the cost to them both. Fire licked at her throat during such thoughts, selfishness writhing in her bowels like vipers.

‘Alive,’ she mouthed in the growing gloom, darkness drowning out a few weak candles and turning the world to coal as venom snaked through her veins. A coat of sweat clothed her skin, leaking from her pores in fat oily drops daring her to itch as the Soul Spider crept up her arm and onto her cheek. Still she sat, breathe ragged in her nose and heart drumming so loud her skull thrummed with blood.

Rituals never get any easier, truth be told. The deeper you swim the more chance of drowning.

Memories pricked her mind sour and grim. Why is it when life's tapestry unravels, the shittiest threads are the hardest to sever? Pain stuck her skull sharp as spears as she fought off the worst of them, burying them deeper and focusing on the boy. His laugh which always touched a smile to her lips with its warmth, a song sweeter than any summer birds.

The Spider pressed at her lips, its legs the keen fingers of a terrible lover eager to be inside her. She opened her mouth fighting a gag as it tickled onto her tongue, biting down hard.

It was time. She took her last breath, not for the first time.

I really like this. Your prose are purple as we say, but I think you make it work. You do go overboard a little, but as you can see from my example, just a few cuts here and there and you have your purple, but also keep the action and story flowing. I hope this helps in some way and if you have any questions you can PM me no problem. Keep it up because you have something here, and I would really like to see your talent grow.

 

[Vaz]

@Christian Nash

Thank you for taking the time to read and do an in depth critique. It was a good eye opener to see where I am going wrong in terms of getting the flow of the story and balance right. You've been a great help, I can see by reading your edited version how it is much smoother whilst still retaining my natural writing style.

And thank you for the kind words of encouragement, I'll keep learning!

 

[Martin Gill]

I'm in a rush but my first thoughts are I like it. One bit that jarred slightly was "and try to keep from drowning." I don't have an alternative yet but its passive language. I'll think about it.

 

[Phyrebrat]

Hey Vaz, I liked it. There's a lot of description - and somewhat random thoughts - but that doesn't hinder the flow and it all works. There's the odd grammar thing but they've probably been corrected above.

My sense is here we have an independent female who is not afraid to endure pain, has a somewhat cynical and humourous outlook on life, and is a very sexual being. I would suggest two things:

1) Change the mouthed dialogue of 'Alive,' to just Alive in italics as she's not actually saying it. This, I am sure is down to taste though, and I frequently go crazy with italics so stick with your preference.
2) I've had a couple of (oddish) lovers trying to put their fingers in my mouth, but for the me metaphor doesn't quite work - could you not change fingers to tongues? It would be a little more visceral and creepy with the suggestion of 8 tongues, too.

Nice one. And yay! I did a fantasy crit

pH

 

[Vaz]

@Phyrebrat

Thanks for the critique!

Both great points, pH. I'm glad my MC's independence came across, and her ability to endure pain. Do you think changing to italics would serve the style or flow better?

Ah, see that's why you're our residential horror master Tongues instead of fingers is a fine idea! Definitely pinching it

Those pesky lovers, eh? Next time that's happens be sure to bite, they won't try again. Trust me.

Cheers - Vaz

 

[pambaddeley]

You have some shifts of tense from past to present in various places that don't quite work... e.g. If no, he may be suffering, should be might be suffering. 'She wanted him to be alive, to be the one who brings him home' - brought would be the right word. I know there are whole sentences in present but those don't jar as much.

death's waters

And daring her to itch - should be scratch

 

[JaeDarcy]

I like it too. It's very rich.
However, I think it takes too long between fangs and spider.
When I heard fangs I thought first snake and then wolf.
It was a long way to wait for Soul Spider, and then it was tucked into the end of a pretty long para and easily missed by a reader who may be scanning for the hook.

For whatever that is worth. =)
J

 

[Vaz]

Thanks Pam for taking the time to read through this. You picked up niggles i had missed. I'll be sure to correct in the next edit.

 

[Vaz]

Thank you Jae, new insight helps a lot.

Another thing to work on in the next edit, making the hook come earlier rather than holding off.

Thanks - Vaz

 

[Steven Sorrels]

Other than a few grammatical errors which have already been pointed out, I think it has a great deal of potential. I would break up the first major paragraph, as it's a bit chunky and weighs itself down. Good descriptors, just split it up into 2 or 3 smaller sections and that will help the pacing a lot.

It hooked me enough to want to continue reading, so I'd say it's a good start

 

[hardsciencefanagain]

Doesn't work for me Vaz,but let me think on the why.

OK,first reaction: C.L.Moore on dope,with the B movie effects turned on full.
The colour is purplish.
Feel free to hit an amateur critic over the head,BTW
Does all of this spell out that you're not a good writer?
No,because I'm firmly convinced you can do better .

 

[Vaz]

Thanks for taking the time to read through and comment, guys. It's always good to get feedback.

@hardsciencefanagain no need for head thumping being told why something doesn't work is as valuable as being told a piece is great. Thanks for the encouragement. And yes, I do need to turn down the purple.

 

[hardsciencefanagain]

Glad you're not miffed.
You can do purple,as a style figure,but only the best can pull it off.
Peeps,remember: slapstick and horror may SEEM easy to writebut i think particularly those two genres are the hardest to do well.
>>bile black with blood bubbled beneath<<
growing gloom
purple alliteration