Thanks for your really helpful critiques on part 1! I've already made a lot of changes based on your thoughts.
Here's part 2. I know the short scene with Ellie needs work - it's too short, nothing happens, etc., but I'll take any thoughts you have. I feel like I have to introduce some themes - Ellie is the protagonist's young daughter; the Wing only transports through dimension, not through space, so our hero has to travel conventionally to her destination in her universe before jumping over; she's getting annoyed at the Tiding for sending her on strange and seemingly pointless missions; that sort of thing. I can probably ditch the scene with Ellie and throw this stuff in elsewhere.
I'll also be digging into your posts on this forum so I can help you out with critiques as you've helped me.
***
Ellie furrowed her brow as she fiddled with the toy, sitting on the front stoop. I was tired but glad to see her after the long airship journey home.
“You sure it isn’t just a duck?” she asked.
I laughed. “Yep. It’s an inflatable duck.”
“Why’d they want you to go get a duck?”
“Good question, kiddo.”
It was a good question. I’d spent a lot of time risking my neck jumping from world to world, for pretty good pay, mind you, but always coming back with tiny things the purpose of which was arcane or just…an inflatable duck. It had to mean something.
“Gotta go deliver this stuff to the Tiding, sweetie,” I said to Ellie. The delivery could wait, of course – I had a pile of artifacts that I needed to deliver, but I also wanted some answers.
“Ok,” she said.
“Be back soon.” I kissed her forehead, grabbed my pile of artifacts, including the inflatable duck, and hopped into my truck.
***
“Let me talk to someone in charge,” I said to the mousey girl at the Artifact Return Desk, sitting behind her glass wall in the Tiding’s concrete bunker of an office building.
“They’re all busy right now,” she said. “Please deposit your artifacts in the slot.”
“No, I want to talk to someone in charge,” I said again.
The girl rolled her eyes. “What about?”
“About what this is all about,” I said. “Why did I have to steal a toy out of a day care center and then nearly get arrested for the privilege?”
The girl blinked. “You didn’t think to wait until the kids were gone and get the artifact then?”
“Your instructions were to retrieve it and leave Earth 2045 as quickly as possible.”
The mousey girl sighed. “Look, every so often we get one of you Magpies coming here demanding to know what this is all about. Usually it happens when one of you does something stupid and nearly gets killed or captured on a collecting mission. I hate to disappoint you, but we really can’t give you any more information.”
“But why an inflatable duck?”
The girl smiled at me like a razor might smile. “Because we needed it.”
“Yeah, for what?”
“Reasons,” she said. “Now if that’s all, will you please deposit your artifacts and be on your way? We’ll be in touch with a new mission soon.”
I deposited my artifacts.
“This isn’t over,” the girl said before I could say the exact same thing. “I’ll be back,” she continued, interrupting me again.
“Stop doing that,” I said. “I get it.” So rude.
“Sorry. Like I said, we get this a lot. Good luck,” she added.
***
I called up my friend Barry. He had been a Magpie for a few years before he burned out and took a desk job somewhere. I had a hunch he’d tried to get info from the Tiding before. We met for kaphe at a shop in the city. Barry was a big guy with a belly, a laugh, and a bushy brown beard. He hugged me and we sat at a tall table overlooking the street.
“So what’s up?” Barry asked after we’d gotten situated.
I told him about what had happened with the kid’s toy.
“And honestly, thinking back on it, this really isn’t the first time I’ve been like ‘huh, what the hell’ with these missions. And it seems like kind of a small thing to be a catalyst, doesn’t it?”
“That’s not all this is, though,” said Barry.
“I sense that.” I took a sip of my kaphe, the sweet hot liquid reviving me. “I went in and asked the girl at the desk—”
“She blanked you.”
“Yeah. It was weird.”
Barry shook his head. “That’s as far as I got with it too. It was after a mission where some massive slavering monster nearly took a bite out of me after I had to grab a rock near its lair. It was a damned rock. Nothing special about it that I could see. So why am I risking my life on it? That’s when I quit.”
I thought about quitting. I’d thought about it before, quite a few times, but the money was just too good. And most of the time the job was a lot of fun, excitement, adventure, better than a desk job by a lot.
My phone rang. It was the Tiding.
“Need you to go back to Earth 2045. Same lat and long. Turns out there’s something else we need there.”
“But the cops are after me there.”
“Yeah, that’s a real shame.” The call disconnected.
Ok this is getting…
“They want you to go back there?” asked Barry.
“Apparently. I don’t know, by the time I get the airship up there and portal over, maybe they won’t be looking for me anymore.”
Still, one thing to look forward to: another half day airship cruise in first class, courtesy of the Tiding. I couldn’t fault them for being cheap.
“Let’s talk again when you get back,” said Barry. “I may have an idea of how to get some information out of the Tiding.”
***
Here's part 2. I know the short scene with Ellie needs work - it's too short, nothing happens, etc., but I'll take any thoughts you have. I feel like I have to introduce some themes - Ellie is the protagonist's young daughter; the Wing only transports through dimension, not through space, so our hero has to travel conventionally to her destination in her universe before jumping over; she's getting annoyed at the Tiding for sending her on strange and seemingly pointless missions; that sort of thing. I can probably ditch the scene with Ellie and throw this stuff in elsewhere.
I'll also be digging into your posts on this forum so I can help you out with critiques as you've helped me.
***
Ellie furrowed her brow as she fiddled with the toy, sitting on the front stoop. I was tired but glad to see her after the long airship journey home.
“You sure it isn’t just a duck?” she asked.
I laughed. “Yep. It’s an inflatable duck.”
“Why’d they want you to go get a duck?”
“Good question, kiddo.”
It was a good question. I’d spent a lot of time risking my neck jumping from world to world, for pretty good pay, mind you, but always coming back with tiny things the purpose of which was arcane or just…an inflatable duck. It had to mean something.
“Gotta go deliver this stuff to the Tiding, sweetie,” I said to Ellie. The delivery could wait, of course – I had a pile of artifacts that I needed to deliver, but I also wanted some answers.
“Ok,” she said.
“Be back soon.” I kissed her forehead, grabbed my pile of artifacts, including the inflatable duck, and hopped into my truck.
***
“Let me talk to someone in charge,” I said to the mousey girl at the Artifact Return Desk, sitting behind her glass wall in the Tiding’s concrete bunker of an office building.
“They’re all busy right now,” she said. “Please deposit your artifacts in the slot.”
“No, I want to talk to someone in charge,” I said again.
The girl rolled her eyes. “What about?”
“About what this is all about,” I said. “Why did I have to steal a toy out of a day care center and then nearly get arrested for the privilege?”
The girl blinked. “You didn’t think to wait until the kids were gone and get the artifact then?”
“Your instructions were to retrieve it and leave Earth 2045 as quickly as possible.”
The mousey girl sighed. “Look, every so often we get one of you Magpies coming here demanding to know what this is all about. Usually it happens when one of you does something stupid and nearly gets killed or captured on a collecting mission. I hate to disappoint you, but we really can’t give you any more information.”
“But why an inflatable duck?”
The girl smiled at me like a razor might smile. “Because we needed it.”
“Yeah, for what?”
“Reasons,” she said. “Now if that’s all, will you please deposit your artifacts and be on your way? We’ll be in touch with a new mission soon.”
I deposited my artifacts.
“This isn’t over,” the girl said before I could say the exact same thing. “I’ll be back,” she continued, interrupting me again.
“Stop doing that,” I said. “I get it.” So rude.
“Sorry. Like I said, we get this a lot. Good luck,” she added.
***
I called up my friend Barry. He had been a Magpie for a few years before he burned out and took a desk job somewhere. I had a hunch he’d tried to get info from the Tiding before. We met for kaphe at a shop in the city. Barry was a big guy with a belly, a laugh, and a bushy brown beard. He hugged me and we sat at a tall table overlooking the street.
“So what’s up?” Barry asked after we’d gotten situated.
I told him about what had happened with the kid’s toy.
“And honestly, thinking back on it, this really isn’t the first time I’ve been like ‘huh, what the hell’ with these missions. And it seems like kind of a small thing to be a catalyst, doesn’t it?”
“That’s not all this is, though,” said Barry.
“I sense that.” I took a sip of my kaphe, the sweet hot liquid reviving me. “I went in and asked the girl at the desk—”
“She blanked you.”
“Yeah. It was weird.”
Barry shook his head. “That’s as far as I got with it too. It was after a mission where some massive slavering monster nearly took a bite out of me after I had to grab a rock near its lair. It was a damned rock. Nothing special about it that I could see. So why am I risking my life on it? That’s when I quit.”
I thought about quitting. I’d thought about it before, quite a few times, but the money was just too good. And most of the time the job was a lot of fun, excitement, adventure, better than a desk job by a lot.
My phone rang. It was the Tiding.
“Need you to go back to Earth 2045. Same lat and long. Turns out there’s something else we need there.”
“But the cops are after me there.”
“Yeah, that’s a real shame.” The call disconnected.
Ok this is getting…
“They want you to go back there?” asked Barry.
“Apparently. I don’t know, by the time I get the airship up there and portal over, maybe they won’t be looking for me anymore.”
Still, one thing to look forward to: another half day airship cruise in first class, courtesy of the Tiding. I couldn’t fault them for being cheap.
“Let’s talk again when you get back,” said Barry. “I may have an idea of how to get some information out of the Tiding.”
***
