Less confusing?

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AnyaKimlin

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The chapter is now a lot longer and I've changed the next chapter to bring in the other brothers. This is the first 1500 words:

Brotherly love expressed by silent companionship over a beer and a TV quiz show is an invaluable way to recharge the batteries. In his pokey living room, Dr John Erasmus Black sat on the sofa and took his first mouthful of beer, a good quality local brew with a distinct gingerbread taste. His younger children were in bed and his older children were out with friends. Relaxed for the first time that day, he kicked off his slippers and put his feet up on the table. His hand rested on Floss, the Jack Russell who snored next to him.

“Cheers.” He chinked bottles with his brother Pete.

“Thanks for this. My mother-in-law was driving me round the bend. I love her to pieces and we couldn’t cope without with me being laid up...” With his bottle Pete indicated his legs in casts propped up on cushions on the coffee table. “But seriously she hoovered under my legs whilst I was sketching and told me to get a proper job when I told her I was working.” Even now he had a pad and pencil on his lap. Pete was never without the means to draw. Dad had made sure of that after getting fed up of Pete drawing on walls, tables or anything nearby.

John laughed a little and savoured his beer. “My mother-in-law and I are getting on a little better. We have to for Janey if she’s to get through this.” Thinking about Janey lying in the coma removed the brief moment of levity and John shrugged. “There’s no change.”

“I’m sorry, John. Shall we?” Pete picked up the remote. He glanced at the clock. “What do you think, Pointless?”

“That’ll do.” John’s mind wanted to sleep and he didn’t care what they watched. If he didn’t have to wait up for the boys to come in he’d go up to bed. His mind headed off into the past.

“Oh come on even I know Vanuatu and Tuvulu… at the very least you could try the Democratic Republic of what’s that place.”

John sipped his beer and wondered just how much TV Pete had been watching whilst he was laid up and he fought with his own mind. He wanted to keep it in the present.

“Mexico maybe… oh you idiot!” His head rolled until he faced John. “Pal, don’t take this the wrong way?”

“Uhuh…” Whatever Pete wanted to say John wasn’t sure he wanted to hear. Nothing good came out of a conversation that began with don’t take this the wrong way. “Yeah… Jamaica...” He decided joining in with the quiz show might help postpone the serious conversation.

“Even for John Black you’ve been quiet today. Want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“OK then. Einsteinium,” Pete shouted at the TV and paused. He turned his attention back to John. “Was that a not really no or a not really yes?”

“Do you remember...” John drew it out. “That time Dad went to that two week long policing conference in Belgium.”

“Ohh yes. We were beasts to Wilf and then Dad came home. The consequences were unforgettable.” A little colour flushed his cheeks and he grinned. “We deserved everything we bloody well got we were awful.” Pete picked up the remote and paused Pointless.

Realising Pete was going to make him talk, John stopped trying to draw it out. “I was in more trouble than the rest of you.”

“That I also remember. Mikey and I feared for your safety. When Dad sent us out we nearly went back in but Wilf was waiting outside and said he would deal with it.”

“I didn’t know that.” John looked down at his bottle and swirled it. “He was there when I came out. Gave me a hug and...” In an approximation of Wilf’s deep voice he said, “...said… ‘You and me are OK, lad’ he has to be the most forgiving man, because I so didn’t deserve it...”

“Yeah?” Pete had that look that brothers get when they’re revelling in the other brother’s discomfort. “You refused to talk about it?”

“I think Wilf had been talking to Dad because he decided to take a tougher line. Only Wilf being Wilf couldn’t bring himself to get the belt out the cupboard and he threatened to spank me like a five year old. I refused. He sent me up to my room and I left the house.” The thought of it still deeply embarrassed John and he looked away from Pete.

“Ouch. No sympathy from me, pal. I don’t care how old, if one of mine did that to Al...” He swigged his beer. “They’d be toast and they know it.”

“I’m a father myself now. You don’t need to drive the point home. But anyway it’s not about that.” He leaned forward and put the beer bottle down. “The next day Dad came to school and took me out for the afternoon.” John scratched his head and turned to face Pete. “We went to that place out on the moors for lunch.”

“The place he took us for serious words?”

“That one. He talked about how much he loved Wilf. How much he and Wilf loved us and how much we’d hurt Wilf that week. Apparently, Wilf had been crying himself to sleep because he felt we didn’t love or respect him. Bloody hell I felt like a right git by the time Dad finished.” John let the tears flow freely. Pete was the only person who he felt comfortable crying in front of.

Pete touched his arm. “I get it. I miss Wilf too.” He picked up the remote. “Shall we watch the end of Pointless?”

That brief acknowledgement was what John had needed and it earned Pete a watery grin. “Yeah.” He picked his bottle back up and laid back with his feet up. “Redact...”

“Contract,” Pete yelled and he drained his beer. “Subtract...” Whilst he was shouting, Pete got to work with his sketch pad and John watched as he created a likeness of Wilf and Dad beneath a wedding arch. He held it up. “When I’m out of these casts I’m going to find Wilf and we’re going to make this a reality. Do you know Dad bought rings only the day before?”

“No I hadn’t.”

“He spent a lot of money on them. What he hasn’t said was whether or not he got the chance to ask Wilf.”

They continued in silence through the rest of Pointless and stayed on BBC One for the news. A key in the lock. John pulled a face. “Bit early for Michael or Fergus.”

Floss barked and ran to the door where she growled. She wouldn’t growl at the boys. His hand reached down and picked up the baseball bat he had down the side of the sofa.

“Get in there,” an angry man whispered.

Adrenaline made John’s heart beat and stood up. “You be OK, Pete?”

Pete nodded. “I’ve got two legs in casts, like to see them take me without a bruise or two.” His face was grim and John could see the fear in it. It was just over a month since he’d been released from the demon hell he’d been in.

John held the bat like he meant business and opened the living room door. Floss ran out barking and growling but she stopped and he relaxed a little. “Who’s there?”

“Matthew.”

At the sound of his brother’s voice John lowered the bat and let go of the breath he didn’t know he was holding on to. “You scared the crap out of me.”

“I am returning your brat of a child.” He pushed a wary looking Michael forward.

“What did you do?” As he said it John heard his own father.

“I did do anything. He’s accusing me of doing **** all.”

“Language.”

“Why have you not heard it before? ****, ****, ****, ****. He kidnapped me.” Michael lifted up the sleeve of his t-shirt to show a bruise forming at the top of the arm. “Look what he did.”

“You resisted and seriously Michael if you cannot escape a one armed man you need to do more work at the gym.” Matt lifted up his arm in its sling to emphasise his point. “You know you were not doing nothing. Are you going to tell your father or am I?”

“I wasn’t doing anything.” The defiance in his face was taking on a life of its own and John knew he wasn’t going to respond whilst Matt was present. His pride had been hurt.

“I was going to give you a chance to explain.” John looked over Michael to Matt. “I’m assuming you’re not manhandling him because of nothing.”

“His delightful friends were hassling an old lady near the centre of town.” With his good hand, he slapped the back of Michael’s head. “You bet I dragged your backside home and you had better pray your father deals with you before Granny Black gets her hands on you.”
 
This reads smoothly to me. There seems to be a lot of back story, which I assume will be cleared up (or has been in earlier sections.) There's enough suspense, characterization, and so on.

It's that difficult second book - trying to get the balance between enough information and not too much information. This is the second chapter - the first is mostly front story. I'm hoping this isn't too much backstory as the main story is about Wilf being missing.
 
Hi,

Not sure what you are after here, but thoughts below: -


Brotherly love expressed by silent companionship over a beer and a TV quiz show is an invaluable way to recharge the batteries. In his pokey living room, Dr John Erasmus Black sat on the sofa and took his first mouthful of beer, a good quality local brew with a distinct gingerbread taste. His younger children were in bed and his older children were out with friends. Relaxed for the first time that day, he kicked off his slippers and put his feet up on the table. His hand rested on Floss, the Jack Russell who snored next to him.

A lot of passive sentences here (verb/ noun ordering), and I just think some of these would be more immediate if switched to active, and if you used fewer clauses and shorter sentences. For example, "Dr John Erasmus sat on the sofa in his pokey living room. He took a mouthful of beer, a good quality..." and "He kicked off his slippers and put his feet on the table, his first chance to relax all day."

“Cheers.” He chinked bottles with his brother Pete.

Good use of tags.

“Thanks for this. My mother-in-law was driving me round the bend. I love her to pieces and we couldn’t cope without with me being laid up...” With his bottle Pete indicated his legs in casts propped up on cushions on the coffee table. “But seriously she hoovered under my legs whilst I was sketching and told me to get a proper job when I told her I was working.” Even now he had a pad and pencil on his lap. Pete was never without the means to draw. Dad had made sure of that after getting fed up of Pete drawing on walls, tables or anything nearby.

I like the dialogue here, seems natural. A couple of parts that feel a little like exposition eg. using "mother-in-law" when they would both know her by name, but it is often hard to avoid this.

John laughed a little and savoured his beer. “My mother-in-law and I are getting on a little better. We have to for Janey if she’s to get through this.” Thinking about Janey lying in the coma removed the brief moment of levity and John shrugged. “There’s no change.”

“I’m sorry, John. Shall we?” Pete picked up the remote. He glanced at the clock. “What do you think, Pointless?”

“That’ll do.” John’s mind wanted to sleep and he didn’t care what they watched. If he didn’t have to wait up for the boys to come in he’d go up to bed. His mind headed off into the past.

“Oh come on even I know Vanuatu and Tuvulu… at the very least you could try the Democratic Republic of what’s that place.”

John sipped his beer and wondered just how much TV Pete had been watching whilst he was laid up and he fought with his own mind. He wanted to keep it in the present.

“Mexico maybe… oh you idiot!” His head rolled until he faced John. “Pal, don’t take this the wrong way?”

“Uhuh…” Whatever Pete wanted to say John wasn’t sure he wanted to hear. Nothing good came out of a conversation that began with don’t take this the wrong way. “Yeah… Jamaica...” He decided joining in with the quiz show might help postpone the serious conversation.

“Even for John Black you’ve been quiet today. Want to talk about it?”

“Not really.”

“OK then. Einsteinium,” Pete shouted at the TV and paused. He turned his attention back to John. “Was that a not really no or a not really yes?”

“Do you remember...” John drew it out. “That time Dad went to that two week long policing conference in Belgium.”

“Ohh yes. We were beasts to Wilf and then Dad came home. The consequences were unforgettable.” A little colour flushed his cheeks and he grinned. “We deserved everything we bloody well got we were awful.” Pete picked up the remote and paused Pointless.

Realising Pete was going to make him talk, John stopped trying to draw it out. “I was in more trouble than the rest of you.”

This conversation works for me, because I have seen Pointless, and it is very natural and skilfully reveals a bond between the two characters... but if I had never watched Pointless I might be lost (not sure since I have seen it).

“That I also remember. Mikey and I feared for your safety. When Dad sent us out we nearly went back in but Wilf was waiting outside and said he would deal with it.”

“I didn’t know that.” John looked down at his bottle and swirled it. “He was there when I came out. Gave me a hug and...” In an approximation of Wilf’s deep voice he said, “...said… ‘You and me are OK, lad’ he has to be the most forgiving man, because I so didn’t deserve it...”

“Yeah?” Pete had that look that brothers get when they’re revelling in the other brother’s discomfort. “You refused to talk about it?”

"...when revelling in the other's discomfort." removed extraneous word.

“I think Wilf had been talking to Dad because he decided to take a tougher line. Only Wilf being Wilf couldn’t bring himself to get the belt out the cupboard and he threatened to spank me like a five year old. I refused. He sent me up to my room and I left the house.” The thought of it still deeply embarrassed John and he looked away from Pete.

“Ouch. No sympathy from me, pal. I don’t care how old, if one of mine did that to Al...” He swigged his beer. “They’d be toast and they know it.”

“I’m a father myself now. You don’t need to drive the point home. But anyway it’s not about that.” He leaned forward and put the beer bottle down. “The next day Dad came to school and took me out for the afternoon.” John scratched his head and turned to face Pete. “We went to that place out on the moors for lunch.”

“The place he took us for serious words?”

“That one. He talked about how much he loved Wilf. How much he and Wilf loved us and how much we’d hurt Wilf that week. Apparently, Wilf had been crying himself to sleep because he felt we didn’t love or respect him. Bloody hell I felt like a right git by the time Dad finished.” John let the tears flow freely. Pete was the only person who he felt comfortable crying in front of.

Pete touched his arm. “I get it. I miss Wilf too.” He picked up the remote. “Shall we watch the end of Pointless?”

That brief acknowledgement was what John had needed and it earned Pete a watery grin. “Yeah.” He picked his bottle back up and laid back with his feet up. “Redact...”

“Contract,” Pete yelled and he drained his beer. “Subtract...” Whilst he was shouting, Pete got to work with his sketch pad and John watched as he created a likeness of Wilf and Dad beneath a wedding arch. He held it up. “When I’m out of these casts I’m going to find Wilf and we’re going to make this a reality. Do you know Dad bought rings only the day before?”

“No I hadn’t.”

“He spent a lot of money on them. What he hasn’t said was whether or not he got the chance to ask Wilf.”

Again, the dialogue here is very well handled.

They continued in silence through the rest of Pointless and stayed on BBC One for the news. A key in the lock. John pulled a face. “Bit early for Michael or Fergus.”

"...through the rest of pointless and onto the News." Removed extraneous words.

Floss barked and ran to the door where she growled. She wouldn’t growl at the boys. His hand reached down and picked up the baseball bat he had down the side of the sofa.

I genuinely have no idea what happened here. Probably would if I had read earlier chapters?

“Get in there,” an angry man whispered.

Adrenaline made John’s heart beat and stood up. “You be OK, Pete?”

Pete nodded. “I’ve got two legs in casts, like to see them take me without a bruise or two.” His face was grim and John could see the fear in it. It was just over a month since he’d been released from the demon hell he’d been in.

John held the bat like he meant business and opened the living room door. Floss ran out barking and growling but she stopped and he relaxed a little. “Who’s there?”

“Matthew.”

At the sound of his brother’s voice John lowered the bat and let go of the breath he didn’t know he was holding on to. “You scared the crap out of me.”

“I am returning your brat of a child.” He pushed a wary looking Michael forward.

“What did you do?” As he said it John heard his own father.

“I did do anything. He’s accusing me of doing **** all.”

didn't

“Language.”

“Why have you not heard it before? ****, ****, ****, ****. He kidnapped me.” Michael lifted up the sleeve of his t-shirt to show a bruise forming at the top of the arm. “Look what he did.”

Active sentences here, and through the rest of the piece. They are pacier, more immediate than the opening expository paragraph.

“You resisted and seriously Michael if you cannot escape a one armed man you need to do more work at the gym.” Matt lifted up his arm in its sling to emphasise his point. “You know you were not doing nothing. Are you going to tell your father or am I?”

"weren't" contraction would sound more natural here.


“I wasn’t doing anything.” The defiance in his face was taking on a life of its own and John knew he wasn’t going to respond whilst Matt was present. His pride had been hurt.

“I was going to give you a chance to explain.” John looked over Michael to Matt. “I’m assuming you’re not manhandling him because of nothing.”

"because" or "over"?

“His delightful friends were hassling an old lady near the centre of town.” With his good hand, he slapped the back of Michael’s head. “You bet I dragged your backside home and you had better pray your father deals with you before Granny Black gets her hands on you.”

It reads well; I like that you create a natural conversation and setting for it to take place. It has pace and certainly caught my interest. If any of my comments aren't useful, please ignore them.
 
Thanks for the feedback it's still an early draft. My previous attempt to introduce the brothers was a bit of a disaster. Would change it to "the mother-in-law" and "Janey's mum" feel less infodumpy?

Hi,


They continued in silence through the rest of Pointless and stayed on BBC One for the news. A key in the lock. John pulled a face. “Bit early for Michael or Fergus.”

I'm hoping keeping it as TV quiz show will reduce the need for more explanation but maybe I should weave some in.

"...through the rest of pointless and onto the News." Removed extraneous words.

Floss barked and ran to the door where she growled. She wouldn’t growl at the boys. His hand reached down and picked up the baseball bat he had down the side of the sofa.

I genuinely have no idea what happened here. Probably would if I had read earlier chapters?

This is chapter two so probably not. I was hoping to show that John was worried about an intruder. The dog growled because it wasn't his sons. I guess this part needs looking at.


“You resisted and seriously Michael if you cannot escape a one armed man you need to do more work at the gym.” Matt lifted up his arm in its sling to emphasise his point. “You know you were not doing nothing. Are you going to tell your father or am I?”

"weren't" contraction would sound more natural here.

Matt never uses contractions unless he's upset. He also never refers to himself as Matt when it's in his point of view it's always Matthew or Matilda (depending on which persona he's in at the time)- he's the only family member who doesn't call him Matt.
 
At the risk of being awkward squad, I preferred the first and found it more informative in terms of setting up a world and setting. My big criticism of this is that there's so much dialogue and so much of Pete's actions and very little of what John himself is thinking.
 
At the risk of being awkward squad, I preferred the first and found it more informative in terms of setting up a world and setting. My big criticism of this is that there's so much dialogue and so much of Pete's actions and very little of what John himself is thinking.

What if I added more of what John was thinking?
 
If you do it seamlessly, please no italics or "he thought" just write it seamlessly. Make it an integral part of the prose. You are writing from his POV, therefore everything is his POV.

I don't use many tags so he thought is unlikely but italics have their place when switching to first person present tense (or from first to third when a person is talking to themselves)

John sipped his beer and wondered just how much TV Pete had been watching whilst he was laid up and he fought with his own mind. He wanted to keep it in the present.

I could write this as:

Bloody hell, Pete, just how much TV have you been watching? We need to get you off your arse ASAP. John sipped his beer and fought with his own mind which wandered into the past instead of staying in the present where he wanted it.
 
What if I added more of what John was thinking?

I think that would be a good thing and could really make the scene.

Something else (and I apologise for the way this is dribbling out one thought at a time) is the sense that Michael manhandling the lady is going to lead to a big dramatic story could be sharpened.
 
I think that would be a good thing and could really make the scene.

Something else (and I apologise for the way this is dribbling out one thought at a time) is the sense that Michael manhandling the lady is going to lead to a big dramatic story could be sharpened.

He actually stood by and watched his friends do it. But there's another few hundred words to the chapter about that and more when John takes him to apologise. I'd just reached the limit for posting it.
 
There is a lot more constructive criticism here than I could ever hope to add, but I did like Chinspinners ideas on thought and your own response. I'm going to have to reassess much if my work so far having lots of 'he thought' and italics.
 
There is a lot more constructive criticism here than I could ever hope to add, but I did like Chinspinners ideas on thought and your own response. I'm going to have to reassess much if my work so far having lots of 'he thought' and italics.

I'm sure you're more than capable of adding some ;)

I refuse to cut out any punctuation as it all serves its purpose when used correctly.
 
A place where some punctuation would come in handy in that case ;)

"“...said… ‘You and me are OK, lad’ he has to be the most forgiving" - I would put a full stop after the quoted speech and start 'He has to be ...'

Also the said before that makes it read 'said, said'. I think you could put the said on the end of the first part of his speech before the bit about the voice he's doing it in.

Given that not all the readership will know what Pointless is and be a bit thrown, maybe at least put the name into quotes or italics?
 
Thanks for the feedback.

Quotes might be awkward with it being in speech - I could do Italics. Might just mention it's a mindless quiz show though.
 
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