Dynasty: Roots of an Empire (sci-fi 1290 words)

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John J. Falco
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The pigs are back! Well I managed to get farther than I ever have with the novel. I'm back from travelling the Canadian Wilderness by train and I got to do a lot of writing, a lot of soul searching, I almost gave up. Then I got it. So far I have written half the story using this beginning. So I decided that this is it and I should share it with you fellow Chroners. It's a bit of a relief to me after working so hard on the beginning all this time. Thank you all who helped me out over the years, and I hope it properly describes the setting and the way this world is set up and what the stakes are. If there are any grammar mistakes don't hesitate to point them out! Hopefully I'll be able to see this on bookshelves one day.


1.
“When Pigs Fly!” Two children gasped and echoed the slang-phrase as they rushed past Juliet Carpenter while she was walking under the banner of City Hall, one bright and sunny day. They ran over to see the pig standing in the courtyard pecking at the ground, looking for grubs to eat. Its shiny white wings stretched outright as it prepared to take off.

She smiled with warmth as she watched one of the children take out an apple he had brought for the pig. It cautiously stepped forward to take a sniff. After a while, once it had completely inspected the apple with its beady insectoid-like eyes and determined that the apple was fine, the pig took a big messy bite out of it and the children yelped and giggled with delight as they pat the animal. Its large tusks slicing away at the apple, but careful not to slash violently at the children.

Just like the children, Juliet herself always felt inspired whenever she saw one of the flying pigs up close and personal. They reminded her of the logical Vulcans of Star Trek or the wise Jedi in Star Wars. They had the grace of ballet dancers and the wisdom that far surpassed any human. It was a cushion of safety and peace to know that humanity was being watched and protected. Soldiers bonded together in the multiverse, with the flying pigs at our side, nothing can stop us.

Most people got it. They were our allies, our guides, our mentors, our protectors, in the topsy-turvy waters that was time travel. It was a nice dream anyway, Juliet thought as she felt a shiver go down her spine. In that moment somehow dreadful thoughts came over her and she believed this false sense of security we built for ourselves was all about to crumble.

She thought, things couldn’t possibly get as chaotic as they had been, through the development of the technology these past couple of months. Even our first encounters with the flying pigs got off to a rocky start, but she thought that period of uncertainty was over. That we had made strides with peace, but a crack like a whip that made her jump and the brilliant flash of light that came after which blinded her, proved her wrong.

The pig should have vanished in a haze of smoke. Off to guard the timeline from its ultimate fate. At least that’s how it normally worked, but when Juliet blinked she found the children knocked to the floor and crying. She went over to wipe the tears away and soon her clothes were covered in pink blood. She looked over at the majestic animal, in horror. Blood was gushing out of a very precise cut across its stomach. She went over to cradle the poor creature. As she sat on the freshly mowed grass she proclaimed, “What madness is this?” as she shook her fist towards the heavens.

The flying pig was murdered. They weren’t supposed to leave us yet; let alone die. Thus sparked the beginning of the end and the roots of a new Empire began to emerge.


__________________________________________​


Since that fateful day more than three months ago, the flying pigs were disappearing at an alarming rate. Somebody somewhere didn’t want this partnership to succeed. Somebody was screwing things up.

This was happening all the while when Juliet was stepping in after the death of her father. As interim CEO of Carpenter INC, she had to deal with the ridiculous mess of this time travel stuff that had only recently taken the world by storm. With the absence of the pigs it only made things worse. At least they offered some type of stability.

Her family’s patented nano replication process was precious to her, and for it to be altered or associated in anyway by the temporal applications that have hit the market in the past few months since the industry exploded, it would seem like selling her soul and going back on everything she believed in. As she would rather live in the moment instead of dwelling on either the past or the future. She couldn’t quite keep in tuned with society’s newfound obsession. In fact, she wasn’t afraid to let her feelings known out loud, she, “Hated Time Travel, but loved the pigs!”

Loathe it as she did. She still had to deal with time bending applications every day, and she did try to maintain the proper order of things the best she could among all the chaos; among humanity’s new freedoms and the deaths of two dear leaders. It was no secret that these were difficult times of transition.

Even though, she couldn’t stop Susan from accounting from using the devices to finish paper work faster so she can go home to her kids, stop Frank her CFO from talking about stock prices for the next year(s) so that they can plan way ahead, or herself from taking multiple breaks at once. She soon declared all building projects would remain untouched by temporal physics.

All for the better, as she felt the technology was relatively new and humanity was just beginning to learn how to control it. This led to quirky mishaps and other messy things she’d rather not have to deal with, especially while building skyscrapers and bridges. If not for the pigs, we would have been lost.

Her line of thinking often went like this: What if something were to go wrong with the construction process and the entire building would be zapped twenty years into the future? She just felt that it would be safest to use the already standard nano replication process. No need to fix what wasn’t broken.

What bothered her the most about time travel devices was that they were so new, in fact that though the fledgling industry showed great promise, there were actually only two consumer products made available for public purchase within the past six months since we made first contact with the animals who ruled the multiverse. They had promised them utopia. She felt the world had been sold an empty promise. Was she right?

She stared at the two objects glistening in the sun on her desk. Were these hunks of junk the great utopia the flying pigs promised us?

The Speedometer which for their case claimed to speed up the time it took to construct a building but it was useless and unnecessary. She had run the tests, and nano replication could match any time the device could be sped up to.

The stopwatch was likely just as useless because nano replication was supposed to make projects go faster and eliminate the problems with union workers. She never understood why a company would need to slow down a project in this day and age. There was just no excuse for that type of recklessness. Things moved way too fast and everything was instantaneous.

At that moment she had received a memo from the Temporal Consortium. It had just popped into her hands and it was declared for her eyes only. Since time travel came into the picture, she could tell how much the world had jumped onto the bandwagon, everything from religion to science had a say. Every industry found some way to incorporate it into their business models, and people used it way too much for her liking. She credited that public acceptance to the newly formed Temporal Consortium. As it reared its ugly regulation-friendly head, the once great and future hope of governing time travel was now almost universally regarded as a joke. The politics of the thing was a mess.

So she snickered when she read the memo: YOU ARE INVITED TO WITNESS THE FUTURE.
 
I'm struggling with this, because rather than a story, it feels like a long infodump. Julie passively watches, and a whole load of backstory and explanation is provided for the benefit of the reader.

I suspect the story actually begins when Julie attends the following event, but if so, just drop us into the story - don't worry about rushing to explain everything from the beginning, and try not to simply tell.

Also, be careful with your POV use - if we're focused on Julie, then we should be in her experience. Watch out for clumsy expressions and tense changes, too - the pig had been murdered, not was.

The setting doesn't feel clear at this point, either - is it adult science fiction, YA, new weird, or a humour story? A proverbial question that is ideally answered from the start.

I appreciate that this is still partway through a first draft, in which case such issues are normal. But hopefully there are some pointers here that will help with the rewriting and editing stage.
 
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I'm struggling with this, because rather than a story, it feels like a long infodump. Julie passively watches, and a whole load of backstory and explanation is provided for the benefit of the reader.

I suspect the story actually begins when Julie attends the following event, but if so, just drop us into the story - don't worry about rushing to explain everything from the beginning, and try not to simply tell.

Also, be careful with your POV use - if we're focused on Julie, then we should be in her experience. Watch out for clumsy expressions and tense changes, too - the pig had been murdered, not was.

The setting doesn't feel clear at this point, either - is it adult science fiction, YA, new weird, or a humour story? A proverbial question that is ideally answered from the start.

I appreciate that this is still partway through a first draft, in which case such issues are normal. But hopefully there are some pointers here that will help with the rewriting and editing stage.

I was playing with the idea that the murder of the pig could be used as a prologue. Would this make more sense? Thanks again for all your advice @Brian Turner I don't think I would have gotten this far without you. :)
 
These are my personal views, please feel free to ignore.
Since that fateful day more than three months ago, the flying pigs were disappearing at an alarming rate
I think this is where the story should begin, it's a powerful sentence and imparts information. I'm not sure where Juliet is in the second scene, let's assume she's in her office. Someone enters and tells her another pig has been killed, the ensuing conversation imparts more information. Juliet then receives the message which also imparts information. The idea is to leak out information gradually and in a way that focuses on moving the story forward and to which the reader is oblivious. The reader will piece together the backstory without being told directly. Easier said than done, I know :)
 
I agree with Brian on this one. I found myself scrolling past paragraphs. Some sentences were two long, and tried to fit two ideas in, like you were in a rush to provide information and scenes.
 
These are my personal views, please feel free to ignore.

I think this is where the story should begin, it's a powerful sentence and imparts information. I'm not sure where Juliet is in the second scene, let's assume she's in her office. Someone enters and tells her another pig has been killed, the ensuing conversation imparts more information. Juliet then receives the message which also imparts information. The idea is to leak out information gradually and in a way that focuses on moving the story forward and to which the reader is oblivious. The reader will piece together the backstory without being told directly. Easier said than done, I know :)

Thanks for your thoughts Vince. The note does reveal more information. What do you think about the pages before your opening suggestion being a prologue? Because that's what I kinda thought too. That's why I put the separator there.
 
Thanks for your thoughts Vince. The note does reveal more information. What do you think about the pages before your opening suggestion being a prologue? Because that's what I kinda thought too. That's why I put the separator there.
I'm not sure you need a prologue, unless the reader is going to learn something that cannot be told in the story. For example, a reference to an important event that, for whatever reason, would be impossible, distracting or clumsy to introduce into the story. The danger of including information in the prologue that is part of the story timeline is that it can spoil the suspense. I liked your opening line because: a. I was intrigued by the flying pigs. b. I knew they were being killed. c. I knew their deaths were a cause of great concern and d. The partnership had enemies. You have created suspense and a desire in the reader to find out more.
 
I don't feel qualified enough to give you an adequate critique, but I'm going to tell you what I think anyway.
I struggle with information dump syndrome too. I used to hate the first 3 chapters of my book until I scrapped them and started over, taking the readers right into the action that I originally wanted to dance around. I like it so much better now that there is something going on, and I just leaked the important info into the action, and let the reader put the pieces together.
The piece definitely makes me want to keep reading. I want to know what is up with the pigs and why they are being targeted. I'm a little confused on the nanno technology versus time travel, but I'm sure that can (or is) explained later.
Bringing in more action might help to draw me in further. This piece lacks it. But overall it was good.
Another thing that kind of bothered me was the reference to Star Trek and Star Wars. Are they relevant in this reality? I guess more information on the timeline might give me a further clue to this. Which doesn't have to be revealed immediately in the story.
Hope it helps!
 
I don't feel qualified enough to give you an adequate critique, but I'm going to tell you what I think anyway.
I struggle with information dump syndrome too. I used to hate the first 3 chapters of my book until I scrapped them and started over, taking the readers right into the action that I originally wanted to dance around. I like it so much better now that there is something going on, and I just leaked the important info into the action, and let the reader put the pieces together.
The piece definitely makes me want to keep reading. I want to know what is up with the pigs and why they are being targeted. I'm a little confused on the nanno technology versus time travel, but I'm sure that can (or is) explained later.
Bringing in more action might help to draw me in further. This piece lacks it. But overall it was good.
Another thing that kind of bothered me was the reference to Star Trek and Star Wars. Are they relevant in this reality? I guess more information on the timeline might give me a further clue to this. Which doesn't have to be revealed immediately in the story.
Hope it helps!

Believe me. I understand you about scrapping the beginning. As you can see. This is a final iteration after many different attempts at trying to get the beginning to match what I already have written of the story, this world, the characters, the plot, and indeed the ending that I have planned in this potential trilogy. As I am only about half way done the first novel. The result of a project I started back in 2009. I am not quite sure, but it's looking more and more like trilogy territory. And if successful enough, the possibilities for this world are endless...

To address your question about references to Star Trek and Wars, I'm just a fan and wanted to highlight just how logical and graceful these creatures are, why they are so important to this world. Because The Jedi and Vulcans respectively are so important to their own worlds.

Also to touch on nano-tech there are implications there later on and I think the main characters feel threatened by the power of the rising time travel industry. As they built their own empire on the future what we now know as 3D Printing (The novel takes place sometime in the future obviously.) They see the end for them is coming unless they do something drastic to survive. That's a main part of the plot, and why Juliet is so important.

Thanks for your thoughts.
 
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