Princess Grace of Verceti - Can Birjjikk finally tame BT

[Andrew Lambert]

Well, with dictaphone in hand I've tried to get in her head.
I like it.
Win, lose or draw this will be the last post on my bad girl.


Birjjikk strode into the arena and glared up at the Elders. They were ignoring her, talking in small groups - backs towards her. Their murmuring created a dull drone that reverberated around the cavern.

She was sure they were enjoying having her fate in their hands; deciding who would fail and who would progress forward.

She continued into the centre, stepping around chunks of flesh and patches of blood.

My comrades have been busy. But, I shall be busier. I shall drench this cavern in blood. The Elders shall not have reason to fail me.

She stood there in the silence.

How long will they keep me waiting?

The celestial monoliths that adorned this place of death looked down on her. They would wait. They had watched and waited for a thousand years. Today's carnage would be a tiny drop of what they have witnessed.

But, they haven’t seen me.

Birjjikk’s concentration sharpened as the Elders began taking their seats and a hush came over the arena. Judgement would now begin.

She checked her weapons and took a deep breath. She was ready.

The creaking of rusting gate hinges broke the silence. In semi-darkness Birjjikk’s opponents were herded into the pens - gates slammed shut behind them. She couldn’t make out the shadowy figures, but she could smell their fear.

An outer gate to the pen on her left opened and into the light appeared a white beast - a Shantra Bear.

It immediately moved back into the shadows and sauntered slowly around the perimeter of the arena; its eyes fixed on her. It moved slowly in the oppressive heat. The beast stopped at an object, previously unseen by Birjjikk, and with its massive paw flicked it from out of the shadows into the light of the arena.

It was the mutilated body of one of her Academy.

Has the bear done this?

Glistening blood was still evident on the fur around its mouth and long white fangs.

Is it showing me my fate?

A second gate opening to her right caught her immediate attention.

Four small feline animals entered the arena - Tagras! The lead animals burning red eyes locked on to her, yellow fangs bared. It began stalking her with the others following its lead, black and white striped fur looking magnificent and menacing against the dull granite walls.

Birjjikk was aware of her vulnerability, positioned directly between the felines and the bear. She stepped backwards bringing both into view and in doing so exposed the line of sight between the bear and the Tagras. The lead feline paused momentarily, assessing this new threat.

The pause was all Birjjikk needed.

She holstered her sword and unclipped the scissor blades from her belt. With one eye still watching the bear, she coiled her body, then threw the blade set at the lead Tagra. She watched it’s trajectory and willed a minor directional adjustment. As the point of contact approached she initiated the scissor action, the blades flashing together in the dull light, slicing off part of its leg.

Perfect technique - that will impress.

As the Tagra crashed to the ground howling, Birjjikk drew her sword and set her stance. The remaining Tagra’s were momentarily in disarray. The bear was still slowly pacing, moving into the arena now, trying to get to her blind side. Moments later the three remaining felines regrouped and charged at her.

Birjjikk pointed her left arm at them and from her forearm armour guard released a spray of small steel darts. Not designed to kill, but to disorientate and infuriate. With the same hand, she reached for her dagger.

My speed is my greatest weapon.

A dart close to its eye had seriously impeded one of the Tagras, but the others, now wilder with fury, were in full flight. They leapt. But, Birjjikk leapt higher. She turned in the air and drove her dagger straight down at the nearest to her, the blade penetrating deep into its neck. Completing the summersault she landed back on her feet, facing the impeded feline that had only just reached her. It met the fury of her sword.

She spun around to face the remaining Tagra, but it had overrun directly towards the advancing bear. It tried to turn, but couldn't escape the bear's lung.

Birjjikk stared into the bear’s eyes, then at the feline pinned under its massive paw. The bear stared back, challenging her.

"Kill it then, beast!" was her first thought; thrown at the bear with raging venom.

The bear started. There'd been a reaction; its eyes widened.

Am I in your mind, beast?

Again, “kill it!" She pointed straight at the struggling Tagra.

The bear looked down at the feline, then back to Birjjikk. It paused, then slammed its free paw down hard - talons sinking deep into its neck. The tagra screamed. A scream that slowly abated as the life left its body.

The bear looked at Birjjikk again - this time, a questioning stare.

"Stay!"

The bear relaxed. The tension was now dissipating from its body, its front paws remaining draped over its limp trophy.

You are mine.

She recovered her dagger, then strode to the whimpering Tagra with the missing foot. She kicked it to one side enjoying the feeling of inflicting extra pain on the pathetic animal, picked up her scissor blades, attached them to her belt and returned to the centre of the arena. She looked defiantly at the Elders, awaiting the next challenge.

 

[Brian W. Foster]

I think this is much better than the last version. I definitely get more sense of who the character is and what she's trying to accomplish.

Two quick comments:

1. Might want to brush up on punctuation rules. Semicolons used to separate two independent clauses. In the two cases where I noticed you used one, you separated a dependent clause from an independent clause. Additionally, you don't need a comma after an introductory conjunction. Two times stood out where you incorrectly wrote," But, ..."

2. The protagonist achieves her goal too easily. At no point in time is your character worried in the slightest. No worry = no tension. Sorry, but even with all the action going on, I still found the lack of tension made the scene uninteresting.

 

[Andrew Lambert]

Thanks, Brian.
It's a sad inditement that I'm going to have to look up 'dependent clause', 'independent clause' and 'introductory conjunction'. I may have to leave this site in shame - Engineers Eh! :-(
Regarding you second comment, I wasn't really trying for tension. This element is supposed to be easy for her. The next scene is more demanding and I'll try to introduce tension there.
But, your point is a good one and I'll see what I can sneak in. (see what I did there) ;-)

 

[VinceK]

This is definitely an improvement. I feel I understand Birjjikk better and why she has to fight. I also like the idea of turning the bear, I think that adds a lot to this scene. I still think there should be more fear from Birjjikk, at the moment I feel as though she has it all her own way.

slicing off part of its leg

I think it would be more dramatic if you just said, '...slicing off its leg.' When I read it, I found myself thinking about which part of the leg had been sliced off.

 

[Brian W. Foster]

Thanks, Brian.
It's a sad inditement that I'm going to have to look up 'dependent clause', 'independent clause' and 'introductory conjunction'. I may have to leave this site in shame - Engineers Eh! :-(
Regarding you second comment, I wasn't really trying for tension. This element is supposed to be easy for her. The next scene is more demanding and I'll try to introduce tension there.
But, your point is a good one and I'll see what I can sneak in. (see what I did there) ;-)

Just to save you the trouble, an independent clause is any clause that can stand on it's own as a sentence. "I ran." That sentence expresses a complete thought and is an independent clause. A dependent clause is anything that can't stand as a sentence. "breathing hard the whole time."

So if you're going to combine the two:

"I ran, breathing hard the whole way." (Combining the independent clause and the dependent clause.)

If you really, really want to use a semicolon (I've heard authors as a rule may use only 2 per book ), you'd do this:

"I ran; my breath came hard the entire way."

Note that I would never actually use a semicolon there because the only reason to use a semicolon is to tell the reader that these two sentences are closely linked. Sometimes, that's a cool thing to be able to accomplish with one little mark. Most of the time, though, a period does just fine and dandy.

Regarding tension:

I wasn't really trying for tension.

I may have to stop reading these threads as the amount of coffee being spit upon my screen is getting excessive

If you're not trying for tension, what is supposed to interest the reader about the scene? Truly, I don't understand. When you read a book, do you enjoy chapters where characters easily breeze through situations with no problems?

Maybe this is just me, but most of the time I find such chapters dreadfully boring. The only thing, imo, that can make a low tension book interesting is a really strong character voice. Since I'm not seeing that voice come through, I really think your best bet is to ramp up the tension.

BTW, the first time I ever paid anyone for a developmental edit, the comments she returned to me boiled down to, "Not enough tension." At first I was like, "I paid $550 for that!?!" Years later, I look back at the lesson I learned from those comments about increasing tension and think, "Dude, I got a deal!"

Finally, I did indeed see what you did there. Well played, sir!

 

[Andrew Lambert]

Thanks again Brian.
Someone else told me that I should only use a maximum of 5 exclamation marks in a novel (I was using 5 per paragraph at the time.) So, that's the semicolon in the naughty cupboard with the EM.
Will up the tension as well, and try to introduce some deferred tension in this first bit.
Regards, Andy

 

[Brian G Turner]

I think you've done a cracking job with this, and everything seems much more immediate and flows really well. It could probably do with a little tidying up, but this is normal for any piece that hasn't had years of writing/rewriting/editing done to it. You're making good progress - well done.

 

[Coast]

I like it Andrew, and I've liked seeing the progression. I'm only starting out, so seeing someone else going through the process and the comments from others is super helpful, so thanks for sharing.

The only thing that I got caught on was the control over the bear. I thought you could get the tension that Vince and Brian have mentioned by making it more of a struggle to get in it's head. After all, if was that easy, she could control the Tagras as well and avoid having to fight at all.
Or if it was that easy for her maybe the tension could come from wanting to be perfect in front of the Elders, or better than her peers etc.

 

[Andrew Lambert]

Thanks, Brian,
It's more your work than mine! Give yourself a pat on the back. ;-)

Coast. What a great spot. I've never been happy with how she gets control of the bear. Earlier drafts would have had me info dumping about how some animals are clever enough and others not.
I'm redrafting as we speak!
Thanks for that.
ps Have you posted anything for critique?

 

[Dave Barsby]

I agree - a vast improvement over last time. Noticed two errant apostrophes and one missing. But otherwise, aside from the aforementioned lack of tension, this is a far tighter and more character-based segment than before.

 

[Coast]

Have you posted anything for critique?

I have, just the one. I've been sitting on the rewrite, so I threw it up tonight.

 

[Vaz]

A big stride in the right direction, still a few niggles but major improvement overall from your last post, well done!

A thought on tension and the Bear. Could you have the Bear advancing towards her, and her trying and failing to get into its head until it's about to strike?

For example:


Birjjikk scowled as the Bear padded forward, sweat crowning her scalp as she wrestled with it's will.

You are mine.

It pounded now, each huge muscle shuddering beneath its fur as it built up speed. She clenched her jaw, a shiver climbed her spine covering her in gooseflesh.

You are mine.

It was on her in a heartbeat, raring up its massive claws to strike the life from her. She could taste the blood that clung to its jaws, feel it's power in the marrow of her bones ... see the fear in its midnight eyes.

Birjjikk smirked, relief washed over her in waves as the Bears giant arms swung to its side like a puppet who's strings have been cut. Her finger's crawled towards her sword as another pen squealed open.

You. Are. Mine.



Just an idea, this is your work so feel free to completely ignore it or take it in another direction.

V

 

[Andrew Lambert]

Thanks, Dave and Vaz.
It was hard taking the early criticism, so it's all the sweeter to feel on the right track. Just 45k words to troll though and winkle out info dumps. The joy of writing!
Very impressive Vaz, though I'd feel a fraud using it verbatim. I may sneak in one of my five exclamation marks somewhere ;-)

 

[Brian W. Foster]

I was thinking about this scene a bit this morning. In retrospect, the goal/opposition isn't beating the bear; it's dealing with the elders. (Note the semicolon usage )

Thus, making dealing with the bear harder won't effectively increase tension (not that it's a bad idea, though!). Instead, make her more worried about how the elders are viewing her actions. Instead of her using perfect technique, maybe she's a millimeter off and worries if that'll torpedo her chances. That kind of thing ...

 

[Andrew Lambert]

Brian,
In the bad old days when I info dumped a lot (previous critique), I had this in:

With her right hand, she reached for the knife set mounted on her left torso and in one smooth movement released them at the three advancing animals. The first blade tore into the throat of the left Tagra. The second, released a micro-moment later, sliced into the middle feline's chest. They both crumpled to the floor as the remaining Tagra continued moving forward; the third blade only grazing the fur on its right thigh. Birjjikk cursed at her sloppy technique and reached for her sword.

Later in this tournament (not published), I have written:

Quick and spectacular with no mistakes was her subconscious demand. She moved her sword to her left hand and set off towards the family. With her right hand, she reached for the three throwing knives attached to her head guard and with a fluid movement that belied the clumsiness of her attack on the Tagras, released them perfectly and stopped all three soldiers in their tracks...

That sort of addresses what you are suggesting, her worry about not being perfect, but it got removed because I read somewhere that throwing knives are very ineffective in real life. I wrestled with this as this story is a fantasy, but real life won.

So, you are correct. I need to address her perceived and actual imperfections. She is, of course, still in basic training, and it will be 200 years before she enters my story. In this first test, technology is forbidden. She has plenty of time to become the perfect killing machine.

I will still look at making it harder to exert control over the bear. Coast and Vaz are correct it is too easy as it currently reads.

Thanks again.

 

[Dave Barsby]

Don't know where your character or plot is going, but how about the idea that instead of her feeling she needs to improve her fighting skills after the arena fight, it is easy for her but she is cocky going about it and incurs the disapproval of the elders? So when she appears again 200 years later she's still lethal but a bit more humble?

 

[Andrew Lambert]

Don't know where your character or plot is going, but how about the idea that instead of her feeling she needs to improve her fighting skills after the arena fight, it is easy for her but she is cocky going about it and incurs the disapproval of the elders? So when she appears again 200 years later she's still lethal but a bit more humble?

Hi, Dave.
She is worried about her arrogance and feels, in the next part of this challenge, that the elders are victimising her. This is the furthest thing from the truth. They want strong Planetary Violation Team leaders and are testing her, probing her potential.
She will go forward for a further 20 years training, and will battle her academy colleagues (one male in particular) for the top job. In the next 180 years her team will make a reputation for themselves, moving up the 'league table' in the killing game the Zerot play.
200 years later she will be lethal. But humble? More a supreme confidence and a single-mindedness to win the game and become one of the greatest Zerot Leaders. Her current 'game' is to bring Preenasette (the planet where the nation of Verceti is) to its knees. The reader will possibly recognise her character, but she will only come to the fore in Book 2. One of her team, sent to Earth to kill the Princess, is the villain of Book 1.
I intend to drip feed Birjjikk's story as a subplot throughout Book 1. This element is one I'm unsure will work. I will be having multiple main characters and this seems to be a no-no.

Andy

 

[Dave Barsby]

Ah, she's a bad 'un. Nuff said