100 Word Anonymous Writing Challenge September 2016

[Coast]

**PLEASE DO NOT POST STORIES DIRECTLY TO THIS THREAD**
100-Word Anonymous Writing Challenge for September 2016.

THEME: Mistakes

GENRE: Humour, Open Genre


**PLEASE DO NOT POST STORIES DIRECTLY TO THIS THREAD**



Please PM (Private Message) all entries to @Coast who will then post the entries into this thread. Entries can be sent from Sep 5th (now) - Sep 28th 11:59PM GMT. (to avoid voting conflicts with the 75 word challenge)

Once the challenge thread closes, a voting poll will be created where you can vote for your ONE favorite entry.

There will also be a guessing portion where you can try to match the Anonymous stories with their creators!

To PM me, click my profile and select 'Start a Conversation'.

 

[Coast]

Out of the Highchair

The hangover throbbed every second.

Absentmindedly, he lifted the chicken from the table and slammed it in the oven, gas mark 5.

He waited for the kettle to boil. His wife rushed into the kitchen, yelling at him, but he couldn't hear. He remembered... removed an ear plug, and the baby's cries thundered from the oven.

He tore the oven open, juices blistering as he rescued... the chicken? The baby was sat in her highchair.

"You idiot," said his wife, "why'd you do that? And how many times have I told you about leaving the toilet seat up?"

 

[Coast]

Conclusion of Jayne Krakov's Newscast: To Interview a Superhero

“Any regrets, Captain?”
“Look, we tried to help humanity. My Enhanco Ray wasn’t perfect. Instead of amplifying our inherent abilities – strength, intelligence, agility – it supercharged the individual’s prevailing dominant health characteristic—”
“With often appalling results. Watch this clip…”

“Phlagh...PHLAGH...”
*SPLEWSH*

“That was?”
“Phlegm...phlegming criminals.”
“Repulsive. What of national security concerns? You’ve one foreign teammate, the Norwegian superhero.”
“Sadly, Fjart passed while battling the traitorous Halitosis.”
“Condolences. But there's happier news – I hear you’re marrying?”
“I’m blushing! Yes, Blush and I are engaged.”
“Captain Incontinence – leader of The Unfortunates – thank you.”
“You’re welcome, Jayne. Uh...sorry about the couch.”

 

[Coast]

A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S COMEDY OF ERRORS, AS YOU LIKE IT


Phoolio:
Night’s sable cloak is thrown o’er heaven’s glory;
My sister, have you come with news or story?

Phoolia:
Fear not, my brother; yea, e’en more than brother,
Twins being, by nature’s whim, each other’s other.

Phoolio:
Speak, then, my mirror, swift as airy spirit!
If word has come of Psillia, let me hear it!

Phoolia:
To that fair maiden did I go, as bid,
Within a young lad’s guise, slyly hid,
To hunt, as hawk does sparrow,
And bring the truth to thee. Faithful arrow
Have I been, her affections to uncover.
Alas! She thinks me now her lover!

 

[Coast]

Just One of Those Nights

On the balcony my true love awaited the words that would make her mine.

From the bushes a whispered voice. “Do I compare you to a rose?”

“Do I compare you to a hose?”

“What?” she said.

“Rose you idiot.”

“Rose you idiot.”

Palm slap. “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”

“A rose by any other name would smell of meat.”

She scowled.

“Forgive the sound of my beating heart.”

“Forgive the sound of my beating fart.”

She left.

Cyrano shook his head. “I can do no more until you find a cure for your dyslexia.”

 

[Coast]

Merriment of Muddlement

Often I mind mifelf fuddling my worms, I mean find myself muddling words. I have a lew scruse, or maybe a pigger broplem.

There I was in line for a carbucks stoffee, behind an old man.

"A brownie and a lande gratis please", he ordered. "And a focca mapuchino."

Preempting the attendant's retort, I said: "Look, miss, it's just that this man gets his murds wuddled. Like me." She stared at me blankly. "Like chicklet choop cockies means chocolate chip cookies. Medical condition."

"Oh," she said, "very well then. I cope it's not hatching." We were not amused.

 

[Coast]

Mirror, Miwwor

"Another you. A better you!"

Snappy marketing, shame it's all lies.

My Mirrors' a f*ck up.

Intelligence? Bah! I tell him to dump a corpse, he dances with it.

After this job two becomes one.

We reach the marks chambers and he's dead already; a tail of Scarlet leaks from his arse.

'What did this,' I muse.

'Poithon.'

I smirk, swatting Bog-Flies out my eyes.

An insect tastes my shoulder it's bite burning. Bile clots my throat.

I eye my Mirror as my body stiffens, Needle winking in his paw.

'Poithon?' I athsk, dwooling.

He nods.

'Clether bathtad.'

 

[Coast]

Star Wars IV - Deleted Scene #86

"I suggest a new strategy. Let the Wookie win."

"Beepem."

"Wharg?"

"He said, **** you."

Instantly, Chewbacca uprooted the chess game and smashed R2D2. Then ripped C3PO's appendages off.

"Han! Stop him!!" Luke charged with lightsaber blazing, but was struck with a mechanical torso.

Chewbacca made a flying leap into Ben, before the Jedi could react.

Captain Solo shouted, "Chewy, NO!! Bad. Baaaaad. Put, him, down. Good."

"Stupid Wookie," was the last thing Ben said, before reeling from a punch.

"CUT!!! Stick to the script, guys."

Actor Kenny Baker crawled up, "My fault, George..." Then passed out.

 

[Coast]

A Loss

Captain’s Log, Stardate 2833.685.

Admiral Rathbone, attached is the Incident Report for the mishap occurring on this date.

Commander William Riker, my second-In-Command, was returning from his successful mission to recover the stolen nanochips, from within Romulan Space. As his shuttle had just come into sensor range, a Romulan Warbird decloaked and gave chase. I ordered Helm to take us in. As we closed, LT. Worf reported that the Warbird had activated weapons, and was ready to fire on the shuttle. I gave the order, “FIRE AT WILL!”

Attached you will find a request for a new Second Officer.

 

[Coast]

The Curse of the Dropbear

Moving to Australia was a great big mistake. Nobody warned me about the dropbears.

I was driving to the store the first time it happened. A blur of fur and teeth flashed across the road and I slammed the brakes. When I told Bruce about it later he paled and said, "That was a dropbear."

I thought he was kidding. Another mistake. A few days later I was walking in the park when a savage creature jumped from the bushes. I screamed and ran away.

That was only the beginning. Now the dropbears are everywhere and it's me they're after.

 

[Coast]

Mistaken Assumptions

I suspect my girlfriend is cheating on me, she told me herself, after all. I have it narrowed down to a construction worker, a stand-up comedian, or a dentist. Maybe she is with all three of them. A call for attention, I think—hope. Got to find out.

I walk in; catch them in the middle of sweaty betrayal.

“You-you are really cheating on me.”

The other man smiles, winks, and points his index fingers at me, like two fleshy guns of truth. “This isn’t what it seems, sir. Your miss taken.”

Ah, so, the comedian.

 

[Coast]

Left hand down a bit…

Who could anticipate leaving subspace at the L1 gravity balance point? The odds against are astronomical. And who, seeing the Earth so enormous one side and the moon the other would have reasoned: 'Hang on. Hours yet before there's danger. Stop, think.'?

I ordered the realspace drive pushing away from Earth at full power immediately, without thinking of exhaust energy hitting the surface.

Actually, only a few smallish cities were annihilated, European subregion. Paris is largely recuperable. Had we struck the planet we'd all have been killed, and triggered an extinction event. Probably.

Really, we came out pretty well…

 

[Coast]

T Minus Minus

"T minus fifteen."

"You sure?"

"Sir?"

"Didn't we already have fifteen?"

"No, sir that was sixteen."

"I distinctly heard you say fifteen."

"That was tank pressure, sir."

"What station's he on?"

"He's not, sir."

"So why does he keep interrupting. Is it fifteen now?"

"No sir, fourteen."

"What happened to fifteen?"

"We've had fifteen, sir."

"I didn't hear it."

"Sir, I just said it."

"Listen, I'm up here and you're down there. You count down and I say lift off. Understand?"

"Would you like me to say fifteen again, sir"

"Yes I would."

....

"Lift off!"

"They already have, sir."

 

[Coast]

There and Where Again?


Bilbo scratched his head while staring at the crossroads sign,
"<-New York 200 miles
,^ Newfoundland 400 miles
-> New Wales 500 miles."

"It's all new to me, but where am I?"

A carter could be heard coming up from New York. Bilbo took his wheelbarrow and moved to aside.

Soon enough the New Yorker came into view, saw Bilbo waving, and slowed his team to a stop.

"Which way to the Shire? I'm dead-late for tea!"

"Used to be over in York, but they moved it down by New Wales. Take that track and ask for Jackson."

 

[Coast]

Alien Incorrection

<MSG T:2161.08.01@22:33:25 @UN_COMMAND->@EARTHFORCE1>
DESTROY EARTH FORCE.
</MSG>

Operator Carter blinked at the message floating in her terminal. The atmosphere in the command centre had been tense ever since the aliens had been detected beyond Martian orbit.

“Sir?”

Commander Hague bent over her shoulder. He frowned, tapped at her screen for a second and shrugged. “It’s legitimate. Passkeys check out.”

“Maybe they’ve been compromised?”

“Possibly. Either way, we can’t risk it. Activate self-destruct sequence.”

Deep in their silos, the giant, cybernetic mecha – Earth’s elite defence force – quietly atomised themselves.

<MSG T:2161.08.01@22:34:12 @UN_COMMAND->@EARTHFORCE1>
DEPLOY! DEPLOY! DAMN YOU AUTOCORRECT!
</MSG>

 

[Coast]

Hell is spelt D-M-V

First, they got my hair color wrong. When I waited in the hour-long line a second time to get my license fixed, they misspelled my name and listed my date of birth in the wrong month.

On the third try, they got my species wrong. I didn't even know that was possible. I didn't even know that dogs could drive cars.

On my fourth try, I was given a recipe book. On the fifth, I received nothing but a firm handshake.

I asked the clerk if he thought this was funny.

"No, ma'am. There's absolutely nothing funny about mistakes."

 

[Coast]

A Prehensile Tale

"Your experiment worked, yet not as expected?"

"Yes."

Professor Wheeler ran bony fingers through his thinning gray hair. His supervisor, Dr. Mary Kane, stared at him.

"The injections did enhance the subject's body."

"It's not successful if the results were unexpected. May I see the subject?"

He hesitated. "Well, it's not quiet time, but we can peek in the cage."

He led her to the end of the lab and into a room lined with cages. The noise was deafening.

He pointed.

Within the cage, the man paced furiously, his tail dragging behind him like stuck toilet paper.

 

[Coast]

The Shakespeare Project.

“Tell me everything that's happened!”

“Well, in the beginning there was the Big Bang...”

“No! Everything that's happened today!”

“Well, I was enjoying a post-coital cigarette...”

“No! Everything at work!”

“Well, first I had a coffee...”

“Idiot! The project! The project!”

“Well, we connected the Infinite Monkey Server to the Infinite Typewriter Server across the Infinite Time Network...”

“And?”

“Well, the mistake that we made was that another server, the Infinite Stupidity Server, was also connected to the network at the same time.”

“So?”

“Well, it didn't go quite as expected.”

“Go on!”

“We got the speeches of Donald Trump...”

 

[Coast]

Pink Fluffy Bunny Slippers

Robert was standing outside of his house as it burned. He now knew why everyone had said that building Multi-Universal Portal might not have been a good idea. It was nothing to the mistake of opening a portal right in front of a dragon... but he had to admit that the biggest mistake was working in his purple giraffe PJ's and pink fluffy bunny slippers. The image of the Universe Inventor in pink fluffy bunny slippers and purple PJ's with giraffe's would be headline news . He was sure the image would be "Iconic" before the sun had set.

 

[Coast]

Gardening is magic

Cinderella’s fairy godmother dragged her into the air, and the thirty meter long slug missed them, smashing into her stepmother’s house instead.

“I'm sorry,” panicked the fairy, “I just did your gardening… must have mistaken fairy dust for slug repellent...” From below came four screams, almost lost beneath the noise of collapsing masonry. “What was that?”

“Nothing,” said Cinderella, her shock fading into unexpected triumph.

“Don’t worry, you’ll still attend the ball!”

Cinderella saw the slug turn towards the palace: More screams arose from the streets. “Um. I’m ok actually. The prince won't feel like dancing now, anyway...“