Princess Alice of Verceti - Zanders Concerns

[Andrew Lambert]

As I'm starting a round of treatment today, concentration levels for the next week or so will stop me writing. So, to keep me amused I'm putting more up for Crit.
On the planet Preenasette, the Trun military leader is sensing that some outside influence is at work to escalate the war with Verceti.

Supreme Commander Domantry Zander had just returned home from a meeting of the Inner Circle of the Trun Ruling Council.

He was worried.

He switched the light on and entered the main living area of his apartment. He removed his cape and unclipped the chest part of his body armour, before throwing them onto the table. He stretched, the relief he felt was exquisite. The drinks cabinet was his first port of call, and he poured himself a large Campion whisky.

‘That terrible was it?’ His wife Roseanne strolled into the room in her dressing gown carrying their 2-year-old baby girl. ‘Christiana has been waiting for you. There’s no way I can get her down.’ On seeing her father, she threw out both arms to him. He sipped his drink again, put it down and took hold of his daughter.

‘Why aren’t you asleep?’ He said sternly. It had no effect on the tired young lady. He kept whole squadrons of men and women in perpetual fear, but these two women made him melt. He leant over and gently kissed Roseanne ‘Tonight's meeting has left me with a feeling I can’t put my finger one. Something’s not right!’

‘Well, let us get your daughter to sleep and you can tell me about it.'

A few minutes with her father had done the trick, and Christiana was asleep.

After they had put her to bed, Zander jumped into the shower and let the red hot water try to wash away his concerns. He slipped on his dressing gown, returned to the sofa in the living room and resumed gently sipping his whisky. Roseanne brought him a Kabuki bread and cheese open roll, with a sprinkling of herbs and spices. She knew he rarely felt like eating this late at night, but always prepared him a small snack just the same.

‘So, what’s concerning you, sweetheart?’

Zander looked deep into her eyes. The reflections from the flickering firelight made him want to dive into them and lose himself. He took his time before answering, savouring the moment.

‘I can’t put my finger on it. More and more, there’s seems to be an unprecedented aggressive posture taken by the council on all aspects of the war. When I try to reason with them, they use clever rhetoric to sidestep me.’

‘But aren’t we trying to win this war; finish it once and for all. For goodness sakes, it’s been going on all of our lives and some!’

‘I know, but the master plan has always been to remove the treat the Vercetians pose to us. Not to totally eliminate them, which seems to be the aim now. The Inner Circle plans for the next few years would lead to a massive amount of bloodshed - on both sides.’

‘There has been, and always will be bloodshed. What’s changed, Zander?’

‘The fighting has always been carried out at a military level. We don’t target civilians, and neither do they. There have been some bloody battles in the last 100 years, but it has been soldier fighting soldier. Now the rulebook is being thrown aside. ’

‘Surely, as military leader, you are in a prime position to influence the council and get them back on course.’

‘My authority is being subtlety undermined. I can't explain how or why.'

He watched his wife subconsciously run her nails over the intricate patterns of her head cap, her eyes now gazing off into the distance. He now had her attention, his sounding board going forward. Between Roseanne and his friend and mentor Commander Mancer, they needed to find out what the hell was going on.

‘Lets retire my darling. Our daughter is asleep, I am wide awake, and it feels like I haven’t seen you for days.’

With that she leant over and kissed him tenderly, stood up and released her robe, letting it drop to the floor. She smiled at him, holding the moment for a few seconds, and turned and walked towards the bedroom. Zander sat back, studying her sublime silhouetted shape gracefully gliding across the floor. She had parked this problem for now, and it was time for him to do the same. He finished the last drop of his whisky and followed her.

 

[Brian G Turner]

First things first - I thought this was a generally well-written piece. But - I think you still haven't got into your character enough to properly explore his motivations, conflict and stakes. Because of this, it's lacking the punch I can see you are trying to reveal, but are not yet communicating properly. Therefore most of the comments below will relate to that aspect:

Supreme Commander Domantry Zander had just returned home from a meeting of the Inner Circle of the Trun Ruling Council.

He was worried.

This is all telling, and IMO a weak way to open a story. I would suggest you simply introduce him as Domantry at the moment, and drip the rest in after - in order to keep with the immediate experience. Also, rather than say "he was worried" it may be more effective to add some visceral cues - heart rate, breathing, general state of his nerves. While that's potentially a stylistic issue, there's nothing in what follows after that shows he's worried - it's all tell.

This in itself might not be bad, but you've made this the hook upon which our interest will hang - so you really need to explore it further, to increase that sense of tension.

‘Tonight's meeting has left me with a feeling I can’t put my finger one. Something’s not right!’

This is really weak - you're diminishing any potential for tension, rather than building it up.

Zander jumped into the shower and let the red hot water try to wash away his concerns.

What concerns? You haven't mentioned any!

‘I can’t put my finger on it. More and more, there’s seems to be an unprecedented aggressive posture taken by the council on all aspects of the war. When I try to reason with them, they use clever rhetoric to sidestep me.’

Rather than explore the character's internal conflict, you've turned it all into dialogue. This makes it cold and objective, instead of hot and compelling.

Additionally, his actual concerns, now you reveal them, feel very under-played. As I understand it, he is now expected to target civilians, and additionally his authority is being pushed aside and his entire position is now tenuous.

Wouldn't that also mean he should worry for his wife and daughter? Or are you presuming that we should assume that? If the latter, don't - it should be a big part of his worry, because they represent the stakes - the consequence of failure to deal with whatever is facing him. If he's removed, then what happens to them? If the enemy retaliates by targeting civilians, won't his wife and child be potential targets, whether intention or accidental?


Your writing flows well and you clearly have a strong sense of setting and plot here. But you need to carry the tension through via your character, and it isn't yet happening. Once you conquer that last hurdle, you should be in a good position to make this look polished.

2c.

 

[Dan Jones]

It's quite clunky if I'm honest, and will need some tightening up to make it flow and read better. It's also got quite a few typos, punctuation errors and formatting glitches throughout, so make sure you do / get done a line edit to hoover them all up and make it shiny.

Onto the specifics...

Supreme Commander Domantry Zander had just returned home from a meeting of the Inner Circle of the Trun Ruling Council.

He was worried.

I agree with Brian, it's a weak opening line, overly telly and doesn't really reveal anything at all. Why not drop it and start with the next line where he flicks the light on? It's more active and immediate that way.

‘Why aren’t you asleep?’ He said sternly. It had no effect on the tired young lady. He kept whole squadrons of men and women in perpetual fear, but these two women made him melt. He leant over and gently kissed Roseanne ‘Tonight's meeting has left me with a feeling I can’t put my finger one. Something’s not right!’

This is nice, but see how the typos (one / on) and errors (missing full stop / period) disrupt the flow? Also, I wouldn't use the exclamation mark at the end. Would he really be shouting this? Especially in front of his two-year old daughter he's trying to get to sleep?

red hot

Should be "red-hot". The hyphen defines the meaning. The first time I read it I thought the water was literally red, perhaps some off-world water treatment thang... but no. The hyphen ties the two adjectives together.

‘I can’t put my finger on it.

He said this already!

unprecedented

Don't think you need this word.

‘But aren’t we trying to win this war; finish it once and for all.

Question mark at the end of this, not a full stop.

in the last 100 years

You'd write "hundred" rather than use numerics in prose.

‘Surely, as military leader,

This is a bit wishy-washy, and I'm not sure his wife would use this line. He's the Supreme Commander, and she'd remind him of that. Also, if you chop the first line, here's where you could introduce us to his rank without it seeming clunky.

‘My authority is being subtlety undermined.

Typo. In any case, I'm not sure he'd use the world "subtly" at all. It seems better without it.

‘Lets retire my darling.

Should be: "Let's retire, my darling." Needs a comma.

If it sounds like I'm being overly critical... well, maybe I am. But there's plenty of good stuff here, too. The prose is nice, the set up paints a good picture of Zander both domestically and professionally, you don't stray into info-dumping or huge tracts of exposition, and give us a reason to read on. Also, I had no problem mentally picturing the scene, which is a good sign. It just needs some tidying up and a bit more finesse. Good luck with it!

 

[Andrew Lambert]

First things first - I thought this was a generally well-written piece. But - I think you still haven't got into your character enough to properly explore his motivations, conflict and stakes. Because of this, it's lacking the punch I can see you are trying to reveal, but are not yet communicating properly. Therefore most of the comments below will relate to that aspect:




This is all telling, and IMO a weak way to open a story. I would suggest you simply introduce him as Domantry at the moment, and drip the rest in after - in order to keep with the immediate experience. Also, rather than say "he was worried" it may be more effective to add some visceral cues - heart rate, breathing, general state of his nerves. While that's potentially a stylistic issue, there's nothing in what follows after that shows he's worried - it's all tell.

This in itself might not be bad, but you've made this the hook upon which our interest will hang - so you really need to explore it further, to increase that sense of tension.



This is really weak - you're diminishing any potential for tension, rather than building it up.



What concerns? You haven't mentioned any!



Rather than explore the character's internal conflict, you've turned it all into dialogue. This makes it cold and objective, instead of hot and compelling.

Additionally, his actual concerns, now you reveal them, feel very under-played. As I understand it, he is now expected to target civilians, and additionally his authority is being pushed aside and his entire position is now tenuous.

Wouldn't that also mean he should worry for his wife and daughter? Or are you presuming that we should assume that? If the latter, don't - it should be a big part of his worry, because they represent the stakes - the consequence of failure to deal with whatever is facing him. If he's removed, then what happens to them? If the enemy retaliates by targeting civilians, won't his wife and child be potential targets, whether intention or accidental?


Your writing flows well and you clearly have a strong sense of setting and plot here. But you need to carry the tension through via your character, and it isn't yet happening. Once you conquer that last hurdle, you should be in a good position to make this look polished.

2c.

Thanks, Brian.
Excellent comments as usual.
I'll be attempting to get it Zanders head more today and post a rewrite. The point about the threat to his wife and child is definitely one that I need to explore. A crucial omission on my part.
Andy

 

[Andrew Lambert]

It's quite clunky if I'm honest, and will need some tightening up to make it flow and read better. It's also got quite a few typos, punctuation errors and formatting glitches throughout, so make sure you do / get done a line edit to hoover them all up and make it shiny.

Onto the specifics...



I agree with Brian, it's a weak opening line, overly telly and doesn't really reveal anything at all. Why not drop it and start with the next line where he flicks the light on? It's more active and immediate that way.


This is nice, but see how the typos (one / on) and errors (missing full stop / period) disrupt the flow? Also, I wouldn't use the exclamation mark at the end. Would he really be shouting this? Especially in front of his two-year old daughter he's trying to get to sleep?


Should be "red-hot". The hyphen defines the meaning. The first time I read it I thought the water was literally red, perhaps some off-world water treatment thang... but no. The hyphen ties the two adjectives together.


He said this already!


Don't think you need this word.


Question mark at the end of this, not a full stop.


You'd write "hundred" rather than use numerics in prose.


This is a bit wishy-washy, and I'm not sure his wife would use this line. He's the Supreme Commander, and she'd remind him of that. Also, if you chop the first line, here's where you could introduce us to his rank without it seeming clunky.


Typo. In any case, I'm not sure he'd use the world "subtly" at all. It seems better without it.


Should be: "Let's retire, my darling." Needs a comma.

If it sounds like I'm being overly critical... well, maybe I am. But there's plenty of good stuff here, too. The prose is nice, the set up paints a good picture of Zander both domestically and professionally, you don't stray into info-dumping or huge tracts of exposition, and give us a reason to read on. Also, I had no problem mentally picturing the scene, which is a good sign. It just needs some tidying up and a bit more finesse. Good luck with it!

Thanks for DJ Jones.
Some excellent comments.
As I've just replied to Brian, I'm working on a rewrite which will hopefully address some of your concerns.
Reading the passage back again, I can see the 'clunkiness' and I'm afraid it may be symptomatic of much more of my novel - I may be busy boy!
Andy

 

[Andrew Lambert]

Ok, here is a redraft. I think there may still be too much telling and still remains clunky. I've spent so much time on it I'm not sure anymore - word blind! Here's hoping....


Domantry Zander switched on the light and entered the main living area of his apartment. He removed his cape, unclipped his body armour and slowly stretched - the feeling of muscles and sinew released from their cramped confines was luxurious. He sighed slowly, opened the drinks cabinet and poured himself a large Campion whisky.


‘That terrible was it?’ His wife Roseanne strolled into the room in her dressing gown carrying their two-year-old baby girl. ‘Christiana has been waiting for you. There’s no way I can get her to sleep.’ On seeing her father, she threw out both arms to him. He sipped his drink again, put it down and took hold of his daughter.


‘Why aren’t you asleep, young lady?’ He said sternly. It had no effect. He kept whole squadrons of men and women in perpetual fear, but these two women made him melt. He leant over, gently kissed Roseanne and whispered. ‘We need to talk, my wife.’


She raised an eyelid. ‘Let us get your little girl to sleep and you can tell me what’s on your mind.’


A few minutes with her father had done the trick, and Christiana was asleep.


After putting his daughter to bed, Zander took a shower. The red-hot, ice-cold oscillation of the water temperatures assaulted the nerve ending of his skin - stimulating his senses and elevating his heart rate and breathing. Only when the drying cycle had completed gently soothing him did he feel relaxed, a calmness that had alluded him all day. He slipped on his dressing gown, returned to the sofa in the living room and resumed gently sipping his whisky. Roseanne had prepared him a small snack.


‘So, what’s concerning you, sweetheart?’


Zander looked at her, searching for the right words. The reflections from the flickering firelight made him want to dive into the dark blue depths of her eyes and lose himself and make his problems disappear.


'Well, to put it bluntly, I think our country is being manipulated, at the very highest level. After tonight's Council Inner Circle meeting I'm now convinced of this.'


Roseanne was clearly startled, 'tell me more.'


‘The aggressive posture taken by the council on all aspects of the war is hardening.'


‘But aren’t we trying to win this war; finish it once and for all? For goodness sakes, it’s been going on all of our lives and some.’


‘I know, but the master plan has always been to remove the treat the Vercetians pose to us, not to eliminate them. At this evening's meeting, the Inner Circle passed a motion from the new Minister for Technological Strategies to increase the scope of computer led offensives. The possibility of more bloodshed will increase substantially.


‘There has been, and will be bloodshed, Domantry. Why's this any different?’


'Because civilians could become targets. They say this won’t happen, but a president is now in place. Families of the Vercetian military could become collateral damage, and, if they retaliate quid pro quo, then you and Christiana along with many of our civilians could be in the firing line.'


Roseanne's eyes opened wide, realising her husband's concerns clearly now.


‘But, that's one of your departments isn’t it?’


‘It was, up until the last meeting. Deemed to be a non-military operation. God knows whose finger is on the button now.’


His wife looked dumbfounded.


Zander continued. ‘This war has always been carried out at a military level. We don’t target civilians, and neither do they. There have been some bloody battles in the last 100 years, but it has been soldier fighting soldier. Now the rulebook is being thrown aside.’


‘Surely, you still have influence within the Inner Circle, to steer them back on course.’


‘My authority as Supreme Commander is being undermined. Take this evening.’ He paused, struggling to gather his thoughts. ’The Circle have chosen Mancer for the "honour" of leading a task force to bring back the Vercetian Princess from the Sol system. My number two gone for god knows how many years. I slammed my fists on the table when the vote was carried, and all I got was, "he deserves this off world task for services to Trun." Rhetoric and more rhetoric - I’m being isolated.’


He watched his wife subconsciously run her nails over the intricate patterns of her head cap, her eyes now gazing off into the distance. With Mancer gone, she would be his only confidant. He needed to find out what the hell was going on.


Roseanne stood up and looked straight into his eyes.


‘OK. We start planning tomorrow. Let's retire now, my darling. Our daughter is asleep, I am wide awake, and it feels like I haven’t seen you for days.’


With that she leant over and kissed him tenderly, stood up and released her robe, letting it drop to the floor. She smiled at him, holding the moment for a few seconds, and turned and walked towards the bedroom. Zander sat back, studying her sublime silhouetted shape gracefully gliding across the floor. She had parked this problem for now, and it was time for him to do the same. He finished the last drop of his whisky and followed her.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Domantry Zander switched on the light and entered the main living area of his apartment.

If you could put something in about how welcoming and warm it feels (if it does!) this would make the opening more direct and intense - it's not just a name and a room, it's an experience.

Aside from that niggle I thought it started really great - I do like the touch with the daughter, and as a parent I can really relate to that.

However, then we hit this line:

'Well, to put it bluntly, I think our country is being manipulated, at the very highest level. After tonight's Council Inner Circle meeting I'm now convinced of this.'

It feels like this line, and the dialogue that follows, isn't character speech, but a cold and objective explanation for the benefit of the reader. IMO you need to condense this all down, and make it strictly personal.

Surely this isn't simply about the morality of warfare - but the fact that he's in danger of losing his job (even being shot??), losing control of a worsening situation in a country he cares about, putting everything he loves at risk?

Feel free to put some visceral feelings - nervousness, even anger - into his experience. Let him express some of his deeper fears in dialogue with his wife. Just keep it all personal and focus on the emotion, rather than facts IMO, and you will absolutely have the reader hooked.

Simply my personal opinion.