How would you punctuate this?

[AnyaKimlin]

This snippet caused a dilemma at my writers group. Does it need commas? If so where do they go?

Beanie skipped ahead of the pram and reached the ice-cream van first. “I want that one.” He pointed to the double 99. “With flakes, sprinkles, sauce and...”

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I'd hyphenate double-99 but otherwise I'd leave it as it is.

 

[VinceK]

Except from what Jo suggested, I don't see where commas could be added. I understood the rule to be: Action sentences used to identify a speaker stand alone with their punctuation.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

I'd hyphenate double-99 but otherwise I'd leave it as it is.

Except from what Jo suggested, I don't see where commas could be added. I understood the rule to be: Action sentences used to identify a speaker stand alone with their punctuation.

I know where they were suggested and the person doing the suggesting is usually right but...

 

[HareBrain]

You could put a comma after "pram" and after "sauce". Neither is needed, and would take away from the impression of childhood energy.

 

[Gonk the Insane]

I'm fond of the Oxford comma, so I'd add another comma after sauce:

With flakes, sprinkles, sauce, and...
Personally, I find they bring clarity in certain situations, but it's a stylistic choice.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

This was what was suggested. It was because it was the continuation of the sentence. I didn't understand it because He pointed to the double-99 is an action. However, this person is almost always right with punctuation so I asked:

Beanie skipped ahead of the pram and reached the ice-cream van first. “I want that one”, he pointed to the double 99, “with flakes, sprinkles, sauce and...”

Part of me (because Beanie is five) did quite like this one: "I want that one..." he pointed to the double 99 "...with flakes, sprinkles, sauce and..."

 

[HareBrain]

Beanie skipped ahead of the pram and reached the ice-cream van first. “I want that one”, he pointed to the double 99, “with flakes, sprinkles, sauce and...”

That's definitely technically wrong (or doesn't fit current conventions, if you prefer), because if you take out the quote marks it doesn't form a single continuous sentence. David Mitchell uses it a lot in The Thousand Autumns of Jacob de Zoet, though, as a style choice.

 

[VinceK]

"I want that one..." he pointed to the double 99 "...with flakes, sprinkles, sauce and..."

Is this possible?
"I want that one" -- he pointed to the double 99 -- "with flakes, sprinkles, sauce and..."

 

[AnyaKimlin]

That's definitely technically wrong (or doesn't fit current conventions, if you prefer), because if you take out the quote marks it doesn't form a single continuous sentence. David Mitchell uses it a lot in The Thousand Autumns of Jacob de Zoet, though, as a style choice.

That was my thought. If it had been anyone else who'd said it I'd have ignored them.

Is this possible?
"I want that one" -- he pointed to the double 99 -- "with flakes, sprinkles, sauce and..."

Dashes are more an interruption than a pause or a breath.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

You could use the dashes (though with no space between them and the enclosed action, as --he pointed to the double-99-- ) but it's not necessary and it changes the pace of the speech. It's fine as you had it at the top. Also, those dashes ought to be proper em-dashes but you can't type them here. That I know of.

 

[VinceK]

You could use the dashes (though with no space between them and the enclosed action, as --he pointed to the double-99-- ) but it's not necessary and it changes the pace of the speech.

Do you think it would be acceptable to use a dialogue—action—dialogue phrase? For example:
"How many times have I told you about cleaning that weapon"—the bullet whizzed by my soon to be deafened ear—"indoors!"

Also, you say not to insert a space between the dialogue and enclosed action, is that for US publishing, because I have seen: dialogue — thought — dialogue in a UK novel.

Also, those dashes ought to be proper em-dashes but you can't type them here. That I know of.

To be honest, I didn't use Alt 0151 as I'd seen others use --, let's see if it works: —

 

[VinceK]

let's see if it works: —

Yes it does

 

[Gonk the Insane]

Also, you say not to insert a space between the dialogue and enclosed action, is that for US publishing, because I have seen: dialogue — thought — dialogue in a UK novel.

Yes, I'm used to seeing that in the UK, too and asked the very same question which Brian kindly answered: Editing guide sheet
It seems there is a difference in usage between UK and US in that regard (though I've no idea where the rest of the world fits in with that).

To be honest, I didn't use Alt 0151 as I'd seen others use --, let's see if it works: —

Ooh, it does, it does! You magnificent tech wizard!

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Yes it does

Cool! Now to remember that in the future... darn. Never gonna happen.

 

[2DaveWixon]

This snippet caused a dilemma at my writers group. Does it need commas? If so where do they go?

Beanie skipped ahead of the pram and reached the ice-cream van first. “I want that one.” He pointed to the double 99. “With flakes, sprinkles, sauce and...”

Only change I would make would be to add a comma after the word "sauce."
I have no problem with this being three sentences and a partial sentence: it's dialogue, and that's the way people (particularly children) speak.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Do you think it would be acceptable to use a dialogue—action—dialogue phrase? For example:
"How many times have I told you about cleaning that weapon"—the bullet whizzed by my soon to be deafened ear—"indoors!"

Also, you say not to insert a space between the dialogue and enclosed action, is that for US publishing, because I have seen: dialogue — thought — dialogue in a UK novel.


To be honest, I didn't use Alt 0151 as I'd seen others use --, let's see if it works: —

Sorry, I was typing and trying to eat a messy sandwich at the same time, so it was rather short and a bit unclear.

I meant it ought to be "I want that one" --he pointed to the double 99-- "with flakes, sprinkles, sauce and..."

So that the spaces are by the quotation marks but not by the dashes. Chicago Manual appears to show it that way, although it doesn't specifically say, and it's a bit hard to tell by looking. It's definitely shown that way elsewhere. I can't find anything that says it should have extra spacing for UK usage, but if someone knows where there's anything definitive on that, I'd appreciate knowing. It is general usage (modern) to have spacing on both sides of the dashes for general sentence interruptions that don't involve dialogue — like this — but with dialogue is a slightly different case, and more, to my mind, resembling the way it's used for interruptions within quotation marks. "Wait, I can't—" and things like that. (I've added a bit of commentary to the end of that thread linked to in a post above, which I missed the first time around.)

 

[2DaveWixon]

Only change I would make would be to add a comma after the word "sauce."
I have no problem with this being three sentences and a partial sentence: it's dialogue, and that's the way people (particularly children) speak.

Perhaps it would be a good idea to point out that there is a certain small difference between

“I want that one”, he pointed to the double 99, “with flakes, sprinkles, sauce and...”

and

“I want that one.” He pointed to the double 99. “With flakes, sprinkles, sauce and...”

As I see it, the first of those statements indicates that the pointing occurred while the speaker was talking. The second indicates to me that he spoke, then paused to point, then resumed speaking.

Small difference, yes, but it makes for a slight variation in the mental image I form... (But a writer fighting with him/herself over which of these to use is probably being obsessive -- unless for some reason shown in the rest of the story, this is an important point...)(I can't imagine how, but it could happen...)

 

[HareBrain]

As I see it, the first of those statements indicates that the pointing occurred while the speaker was talking.

You could use it that way, and hope people take your meaning, but it's non-standard. It jars with most people, because what it's actually saying is that he points the words he's speaking. (You're using "point" instead of "said".)

If you wanted to make sure the speech and action were understood to take place at the same time, and if it were crucial that there be no doubt, you'd have to write:

'I want that one,' he said, pointing to the double 99.

But I think most readers would interpret the separate sentences as taking place at the same time.

 

[VinceK]

If all of the below are grammatically correct, perhaps they could to be added to the Editing Guide Sheet as examples.

'I want that one.' He pointed to the double 99. 'With flakes, sprinkles, sauce and...'

'I want that one', he pointed to the double 99, 'with flakes, sprinkles, sauce and...'

'I want that one' — he pointed to the double 99 — 'with flakes, sprinkles, sauce and...'

'I want that one…' he pointed to the double 99 '…with flakes, sprinkles, sauce and...'

'I want that one,' he said, pointing to the double 99.