An Excerpt from Chapter 5 of book 1 of my new series.

[Jo Zebedee]

Actually, I think Master Donadar should be capitalised (and have a direct address comma in front of it ) as it takes the place of his name.

 

[pambaddeley]

Anything used as a substitute for a person's name needs to be capitalised.

 

[pambaddeley]

Just to say I agree with the other critters - first few paras immediately struck me as incessant head-hopping and having a level of detail in the description that bogged down the story.

 

[VKALFIERI]

Can I just say that I agree with the other critters here, and also ask what books you have published and through which publisher? Have you gone down the self publishing route? Just curious.

 

[ErikB]

Can I just say that I agree with the other critters here, and also ask what books you have published and through which publisher? Have you gone down the self publishing route? Just curious.

Self published. My first and second books are through Lulu publications. The third through Amazon.

The first is a non fiction titled "The Sixth Extinction." The second is a fact based fiction titled "Anthroview." The third is a post apocalyptic fiction titled "The World Enders."

[GALLERY=media, 2017]My three current books. by ErikB posted Sep 27, 2016 at 11:07 AM[/GALLERY]

 

[ErikB]

I took a lot of the suggestions to heart and condensed and cleaned the "info dumps" although I will not discard the colour description of the alien orchids, because I think it's a matter of giving the readers a bit of sensory fill. It's not as though I were mentioning the colour of an Earth flower. I find that such tiny details are a matter of preference.

I looked into capitalization of ranks and formal titles with a former editor for MacGraw Hill in New York and was told that if the title is used to substitute a name then it may be capitalized, however this is not prerequisite for publication. However titles preceding a name should be capitalized.

I worked on restructuring and streamlining the conversations, descriptions, and cutting out needless portions. Show don't tell being the push in those efforts. The revised work should read far more smoothly, and without problems in understanding which person is which.

Some alien words and nomenclature is kept as it is descriptive that is part of my overall tale.

I realize as it was correctly pointed out to me that it would have been a lot better taking an excerpt directly for the opening chapter as there is a lot of context that is not in place given that this is taken from chapter 5.

Nevertheless I hope that this reads a bit more smoothly for anyone wishing to have a gander at the revision. To everyone who graciously took the time and effort to critique my original offering I wish to say that I am very deeply grateful to all of you. I truly appreciate the amount of time and effort that you took in giving my writing a look and in the advice and assistance you offered to me. THANK YOU!

********************************


Ylloria sat by her window staring at the mygath flock that buzzed around the pink and white tulan orchid flowers. Mygath had blue and purple iridescent feathers on their heads with bright yellow and black bodies. As she sat at the window opening observing the scene, a soft footfall coupled with the light jingle of thin metal discs that trimmed the hem and border of the new arrival’s clothing announced that she was not alone. An elegant female figure approached garbed in yellow, pink, and aqua colours. Deep sapphire stones were set in a necklace and wrist bracers adorning the newcomer.

Ylloria glanced at her guest briefly before returning her gaze to the garden flowers and small birds. Aware of the familiar presence of her mistress.

“Hello my Lady Pawgwyn. How are you today?”

“I am well Ylloria. The Lord Holder has asked me to send you to his office chambers,” she paused studying Ylloria from behind, “he would not say why however. This makes me curious. Have you had any recent visitations from Lord Krygan?”

Pawgwyn’s honey yellow eyes studied Ylloria carefully and with slightly raised brows.

Ylloria smiled and returned her gaze with a steady stare from emerald green eyes.

“You mean has he been bedding me? And the answer is no. I’ve not had any attention from our Lord for many a seasonal cycle Lady Pawgwyn. You needn’t worry on that count. I remain a discarded bauble to be used from time to time entertaining his more important and deviant diplomatic friends and rivals.”

Pawgwyn broke her gaze looking toward the doorway.

“I see. Well he summons you now. Better not to keep him waiting. Up up!”

As Ylloria rose from her seated position her metallic emerald green eyes flashed in the sunlight and in spite of their stations Pawgwyn took a hesitant step back. Her contempt for the young half-breed was mixed with her fear of Ylloria’s other parentage. Her half-breed features mixed the brutal strength and physicality of the ultach with the psionic mind powers and subtle biochemical defenses that made the vanac a respected and feared race.

Ylloria bowed her head in passing and Pawgwyn noted with even more jealousy the subtle way that Ylloria walked. It was the natural elegance of a great jungle haureen in the form of a rival. Pawgwyn toyed with the idea of hurting her, but knew that Krygan was well aware of her feelings for Ylloria. If anything happened to his precious half-breed pet she had no doubt that she’d end up in an interrogation room with Q-Iythe. She shuddered at the thought.

Pawgwyn fumed as she returned to her station wondering if she still had any listening devices that functioned in Krygan’s office? She knew how frequently he swept the place for bugs. Still, it didn’t hurt to check. Perhaps she could find out more.

Ylloria’s soft blue silken gowns flowed and billowed behind her as she walked with her head lowered toward the office chambers. But the ultach ignored her or glanced with disapproving looks at the strange disgrace she represented. At the door stood Donadar Q-Iythe smiling as he stopped her.

“Our Lord Holder asks that you join him in the gardens. But you are not to discus this detour with anyone else. He awaits you there. He’s in the upper gardens by the water features.”

She nodded bowing to him.

“As you wish master Donadar. Good day to you sir.”

She turned and left and Q-Iythe smiled and watched her go. He had long admired her body and physical features. But he was more interested in her mental gifts than her form. Yet with all his scientific objectivity normally in place, it also bothered him a little that in spite of their respective stations there was something not born of his normal lust that stirred in him when he heard her voice.

She made him feel a little more clean and pure inside, if that were possible. He got a slight warmth in his heart that was uncharacteristic and he both enjoyed this and feared it too. It was a weakness, and he hated weakness. Still it almost made him grin and for a brief moment he dared to toy with hidden fantasies of a more romantic or domestic nature.

Until the truth of his nature reasserted itself making him hate himself all the more for even toying with ideas of romance and love. He shook his head and stormed off feeling a wave of annoyance. He had to go kill something or torture someone to get himself back on track. He grinned and headed back to check in on Uvosh in his private cell. Yes, a bit of time with Uvosh would do nicely!


Great trees towered around the lake and fast flowing streams of Lord Holder Vack’s upper gardens. The smell of korusonium flowers and the pungent musk of tutu vine filaments always made her feel better. The gardens were beautiful and she loved the fact that Krygan was meeting her here rather than his cold dark black office.

A shadow followed her in the dense bushes and plants to the right of the garden path. She felt it turning to face the presence and Marsdek approached her from under a large leafed fern. The stripped enithorox padded up to her briskly with an eager familiarity. But unlike most of those it encountered there was no aggression or indifference toward Ylloria.

Krygan had remarked in the past as to how strange it was to see his beloved pet approach her and seek her attention. Even now Marsdek chirped his contentment as she crouched down and smiled. She enjoyed him and this was obviously quite mutual as the most deadly predator on all of Lonorangg now rubbed up against her gently. She scratched behind his ears and he turned his head slightly delighting in her touch.

“You look as beautiful as ever Marsdek!” She said softly and Marsdek continued to chirp his purred contentment and he leaned in closer making her smile even more.

From a bend in the path Lord Krygan approached them at a brisk pace and to his astonishment Marsdek bristled at him for a tiny moment and then relaxed again and put himself between Ylloria and Krygan. She stood suddenly in an off balance moment, then bowed to him.

“Forgive me Lord Krygan. I did not mean to tarry master.”

He snapped his fingers and Marsdek reluctantly stood and then sauntered over to him rubbing his head once against Krygan’s thigh before sitting down at his side. Krygan smiled and then looked Ylloria over for a moment before he spoke.

“Ylloria, there’s nothing to forgive. Rise. Come, walk with me.”

She stepped forward with her head still inclined and walked along side of Krygan but slightly behind him as Marsdek took the opportunity to rub against her more than a few times as he moved between the two. His playful and content chirping persisted as he delighted in her presence.

Krygan glanced down at Marsdek and then looked at Ylloria’s face. She kept her head lowered, as was her station.

“He likes you Ylloria.”

She nodded absently.

“Yes my Lord. A mutual feeling.”

Krygan laughed in a very genuine and amused tone.

“You know, General Sycress was in my office and trembled when Marsdek drew close enough to him. Shaking like an ulani. Everyone fears Marsdek. Every visiting dignitary and guest. And for Marsdek the feeling is mutual. Beside myself there has never been another person on all of Lonorangg that he has taken to, except for you Ylloria. Strange. He has a deep thing for you and it is always a wonder and bewilderment for me to see this. It makes me think Ylloria. I wonder what it is about you that Marsdek so favors?”

“I do not know my Lord. Truly I have no idea. But he’s a sweet creature and beautiful as well. I am very fond of him.”

Krygan nodded still smiling that devious knowing grin that always threw her off a bit.

“I can see that. It’s as if you’ve forgotten what he is.”

“I am aware that he can destroy shock troops, droids, and machines with little or no injury. I know of his speed and reputation and wild heart. Everyone on Lonorangg knows what an enithorox can do my Lord. But to me he’s just Marsdek. He’ll always be the majestic beast that calls to my heart. I cannot help it my Lord.”

 

[Brian G Turner]

Ylloria sat by her window staring at the mygath flock that buzzed around the pink and white tulan orchid flowers. Mygath had blue and purple iridescent feathers on their heads with bright yellow and black bodies. As she sat at the window opening observing the scene, a soft footfall coupled with the light jingle of thin metal discs that trimmed the hem and border of the new arrival’s clothing announced that she was not alone. An elegant female figure approached garbed in yellow, pink, and aqua colours. Deep sapphire stones were set in a necklace and wrist bracers adorning the newcomer.

We are asked to imagine pink, white, blue, purple, yellow, black, yellow, pink, aqua, sapphire. It's too much. IMO you are over-describing and need to provide a sense of focus - what should the reader be concentrating on? Naming every single colour present is simply overwhelming (and in a few lines you'll additionally ask us to imagine honey and emerald).

Also, you need to give Ylloria some motivation to open with. At the moment, she begins doing nothing, thinking nothing. It leaves her looking very passive and lacking in engagement - we identify with people's struggles, not with the colours of the flowers they are sitting by.

Her contempt for the young half-breed was mixed with her fear of Ylloria’s other parentage. Her half-breed features mixed the brutal strength and physicality of the ultach with the psionic mind powers and subtle biochemical defenses that made the vanac a respected and feared race.

This is very much an infodump that doesn't explain anything.

An elegant female figure approached ... Pawgwyn noted with even more jealousy the subtle way that Ylloria walked

You've jumped POV here. If Pawgwyn is the POV character for this scene, then ensure that's the case from the start.


Overall, I think you still have a problem in trying to describe what the reader should see, not what the reader should experience, which is defeating the point of writing in novel format.

2c.

 

[ErikB]

Thanks Brian. I'll work on a bit more streamlining. I did not think about telling the reader what Ylloria is thinking about. I tried to leave this "contemplation" to the readers.

I can cut down the colours a bit, but the eyes are a critical component in the story. As mentioned before (and you were correct that this would have been better taken from my opening chapter to put the eye colour thing in context) eye colours on Lonorangg denote social station and species. It is something the ultach pay attention to. Thus emphasized to the reader.

That said I can trim the fat a bit more. Cut down more info. Ylloria is the POV character so I will emphasize her perspective a bit more.

I appreciate the pointers. Back to work for me...

Cheers!

 

[The Judge]

To be frank, the changes you've made, while helpful in themselves, are minor and mainly cosmetic -- you've not eliminated any of the many problems which were raised in previous comments about the original version. Instead of tinkering with this as you have done, to my mind you really need to tear this up and start completely afresh.

All my previous comments hold good for this. I won't repeat them, but I would urge you to reconsider the issues raised. I know you've looked at the suggestions, but I'm not sure you've fully taken everything on board.

In any event, it might help if I nit-pick this version, since you're showing some problems with sentence construction, word choice, and punctuation, particularly regarding absent commas as Jo mentioned in relation to the original version.


red = suggested additions/alterations
[ ] = suggested deletions, mostly for words which are unnecessary

Ylloria sat by her window staring at the mygath flock that buzzed [presumably the birds do indeed make a buzzing noise? If not, it might be best to find another verb as that rather suggests insects] around the pink and white tulan orchid flowers. Mygath had blue and purple iridescent feathers on their heads with bright yellow and black bodies. As she sat at the window [repetition of what she's doing, which adds nothing but word count] [opening] observing the scene, a soft footfall coupled with the light jingle of thin metal discs that trimmed the hem and border of the new arrival’s clothing announced [that] she was not alone. An elegant female figure approached, garbed [why not simply "dressed"? Using uncommon words in narrative can help with to give a flavour of the world, but can also make the writing seem as if it's been badly translated from another language, so you need to think carefully when using them] in yellow, pink, and aqua colours. [how does she know this? She's looking out the window. And why do we need to know what Pawgwyn is wearing?] Deep sapphire stones were set in a necklace and wrist bracers adorning the newcomer. [ditto]

Ylloria glanced at her guest [how is she is any sense a "guest"?] briefly before returning her gaze to the garden flowers and small birds. Aware of the familiar presence of her mistress. ["Aware" is surely the wrong verb -- don't you mean "Accustomed"? And no matter how she feels, this is the height of incivility from a lower-ranked person to a mistress. Hierarchical societies require forms of obeisance eg bowing, to reinforce acknowledgement of rank, and at the very least standing when a higher ranked person enters the room. Not only has she remained seated without giving any sign of deference, she's glanced only, turned away, and addresses the higher ranked woman with her back towards her. If this kind of behaviour is tolerated in your society, it needs to be explained, or Pawgwyn's anger at the insolence needs to be shown]

“Hello, [comma needed before name given here and throughout when there is a direct address] my Lady Pawgwyn. [I'm not convinced by the capital "L" here as it's not eg "my dear Lady Pawgwyn" it's "my lady" with the woman's name after, so I'd use lower case in this instance] How are you today?” [again when it comes to hierarchies, it's invariably the higher ranked person who speaks first, not the lower, so this seems wrong]

“I am well, Ylloria. The Lord Holder has asked me to send you to his office chambers.” She [a comma comes at the end of a complete sentence of dialogue, followed by lower case "she" only if it's a speech tag ie "she said"] paused studying Ylloria from behind. [how does Ylloria know she's being studied? She's watching out the window] “He [the previous sentence of dialogue ended, so a new sentence starts with a capital] would not say why, however. This makes me curious. Have you had any recent visitations [although it can mean a plain "visit" this carries a hint of ludicrous exaggeration which it might be best to avoid] from Lord Krygan?”

Pawgwyn’s honey-yellow eyes studied Ylloria carefully and with slightly raised brows. [again, how does Ylloria know this? She's still watching out the window. And although they are called "eyebrows" the brows aren't actually the eyes' to control, they're Pawgwyn's so the sentence needs re-phrasing. In case I'm not clear, if you substitute "they" for the eyes, it's "they studied Ylloria with slightly raised brows" -- which, obviously, they can't do]

Ylloria smiled and returned her gaze [how? You've not had her turn from the window] with a steady stare from emerald green eyes.

“You mean has he been bedding me? [And] The answer is no. I’ve not had any attention from our Lord for many a seasonal cycle, Lady Pawgwyn. You needn’t worry on that count. I remain a discarded bauble to be used from time to time entertaining his more important and deviant diplomatic friends and rivals.”

Pawgwyn broke her gaze [not so sure about breaking a gaze, but anyway, close repetition of "gaze"] and looked [looking] [the use of continuous past is wrong here unless she breaks her gaze "by looking" which is odd way of expressing it] toward the doorway. [what doorway? The one she's just walked through? So she's turned round?]

“I see. Well, he summons you now. Better not [to] keep him waiting. Up, up!”

As Ylloria rose [from her seated position] [we know she's sitting so this adds nothing] her metallic emerald green eyes [needless repetition of eye colour -- once is enough if needed at all] flashed in the sunlight [how does Ylloria know this? She can't see her own eyes] and in spite of their stations [I'd suggest you add something like "disparity in their" otherwise it's somewhat meaningless. I'd also suggest "rank" or "stations in life" so there is no confusion as to what you mean] Pawgwyn took a hesitant step back. Her contempt for the young half-breed was mixed with her fear of Ylloria’s other [other? You name both in the next sentence, and there's no hint which is the one she fears] parentage. [this is a jump into Pawgwyn's POV since it's not something Ylloria would think or know. If you want to write omniscient, fair enough, but most SFF nowadays has moved away from it, and it's seen as head-hopping, A Bad Thing] Her half-breed [needless repetition] features mixed [how can her features show the mind powers etc mixed with brute strength?] the brutal strength and physicality of the ultach with the psionic mind powers [surely tautology -- psionic means psychic power] and subtle biochemical defenses that made the vanac a respected and feared race.

Ylloria bowed her head in passing. [and] [the conjunction suggests a link between the two clauses, but there's no connection with bowing the head and the way she walks, therefore best if discrete sentences, or you need to show a link] Pawgwyn noted with even more jealousy [again this -- and the rest of the para and the next -- is P's POV, so best changed unless you want to pursue omniscient. Why "even more" when none has been shown?] the subtle [close repetition of "subtle" but I really don't think it's the appropriate adjective here anyway] way that Ylloria walked. It was the natural elegance of a great jungle haureen in the form of a rival. [I don't understand what "in the form of a rival" can mean -- how is Ylloria a rival to a haureen? Whatever one of them might be] Pawgwyn toyed with the idea of hurting her, but knew that Krygan was well aware of her feelings for Ylloria. If anything happened to his precious half-breed [a second repetition] pet she had no doubt [that] she’d end up in an interrogation room with Q-Iythe. She shuddered at the thought.

Pawgwyn fumed as she returned to her station, [now I'm confused by your use of "station" since here it doesn't mean rank, and I have to question how it is being used] wondering if she still had any listening devices that functioned in Krygan’s office. [?] [this isn't a question, so no question mark] She knew how frequently he swept the place for bugs. Still, it didn’t hurt to check. Perhaps she could find out more.

Ylloria’s soft blue silken gowns flowed and billowed behind her [how does she know this? And what does it add?] as she walked with her head lowered toward the office chambers. [But] The [the conjunction suggests a contrast, but there's no connection with her silken gowns flowing and the ultach ignoring her or worse] ultach ignored her or glanced with disapproving looks at the strange disgrace she represented. [how does she know this if her head is lowered?] At the door [what door?] stood Donadar Q-Iythe smiling as he stopped her. [sentence construction and punctuation needs fixing since the "smiling" can't link the two clauses as you've done it. Either eg "At the door stood DQ-I, smiling. He stopped her." (Though that last not needed since we see it) or "At the door stood DQ-I. He smiled as he stopped her."

“Our Lord Holder asks that you join him in the gardens. But you are not to discuss this detour [a detour is a variation of a route which ends in the place you intended. She is going to a wholly different place. I'd suggest "change of venue"] with anyone else. He awaits you there. He’s in the upper gardens by the water features.” [last two sentences need swapping around so he tells her where LH is before saying he's waiting there]

She nodded bowing to him. [she's really nodding and bowing at the same time?! If so, comma needed after "nodded". If not, then continuous past wrong and should be "and bowed"]

“As you wish, master [does Master need a capital?] Donadar. Good day to you, sir.”

She turned and left and Q-Iythe smiled and watched her go. [again a change of POV so this and next two paras have to be deleted if you want to avoid head-hopping] He had long admired her body and physical features, but he was more interested in her mental gifts than her form. Yet for [with] all his scientific objectivity, it [normally in place, it also] bothered him a little that in spite of their respective stations there was something not born of his normal lust that stirred in him when he heard her voice. [very clunky sentence]

She made him feel a little [close repetition of "a little"] more clean and pure inside, if that were possible. He got a slight [change of word, but still repetition] warmth in his heart that was uncharacteristic and he both enjoyed this and feared it, too. It was a weakness, and he hated weakness. Still, it almost made him grin and for a brief moment [akin to the tiny moment later, perhaps? Really, a moment is a moment] he dared to toy with hidden fantasies of a more romantic or domestic nature.

Until the truth of his nature reasserted itself, making him hate himself all the more for even toying [close repetition of "toy" and it's the third use in a short passage] with ideas of romance and love. He shook his head and stormed off, feeling a wave of annoyance. [stormed off, and he's only annoyed?] He had to go kill something or torture someone to get himself back on track. [very modern and colloquila usage, out of place in this formal and stilted narrative] He grinned and headed back [close repetition of "back"] to check in on Uvosh in his private cell. Yes, a bit of time with Uvosh would do nicely! [these last 3 sentences are just way over the top for any genuine attempt at characterisation -- you might as well hang a sign around his neck saying "Despicable Monster" and I think you're better off deleting them. Actually, I can't help thinking that very little of importance would be lost if the last 3 paras were deleted in their entirety]


Great trees towered around ["towered above" yes, but surely they can't tower around] the lake and fast flowing streams of Lord Holder Vack’s upper gardens. The smell of korusonium flowers and the pungent musk of tutu vine filaments always made her [her? You've not told us Ylloria is here, so you need to use her name] feel better. The gardens were beautiful and she loved the fact that Krygan was meeting her here rather than his cold, dark, black [dark and black?!] office.

A shadow followed her in the dense bushes and plants to the right of the garden path. She felt it turning to face the presence [I assume you mean she turned to face it, not she felt it turning, so this construction needs to be changed to avoid the ambiguity. NB "felt" is a veil word to be avoided as much as possible] and Marsdek approached her from under a large-leafed fern. [I'm assuming this is a fern with large leaves, not a leafed fern which is large, hence the hyphen] The stripped [stripped? It's wearing no clothes? Or do you mean "striped"?] enithorox padded up to her briskly with an eager familiarity and none of the aggression or indifference it showed to most of those it encountered. [But unlike most of those it encountered there was no aggression or indifference toward Ylloria.] [sentence construction wrong -- "most of those it encountered" is the subject of the sentence, but they don't offer aggression etc towards Y, the animal offers it to them, so the verb and subject don't match]

Krygan had remarked in the past [as to] how strange it was to see his beloved pet approach her and seek her attention. Even now Marsdek chirped his contentment as she crouched down and smiled. She enjoyed him [since "enjoy" carries a sexual overtone when used with sentient creatures, I suggest you find another verb here] and this was obviously quite mutual as the most deadly predator on all [of] Lonorangg [now] rubbed up against her gently. She scratched behind his ears and he turned his head slightly, delighting in her touch.

“You look as beautiful as ever, Marsdek!” she [lower case when a dialogue attribution, even following an exclamation mark] said softly. [and] Marsdek continued to chirp his purred [chirping and purring are very different noises, so one or the other needs changing] contentment and he leaned in closer, making her smile even more.

From a bend in the path Lord Krygan approached them at a brisk [close repetition of brisk/briskly] pace. [and] To his astonishment [POV change -- Ylloria can't know his astonishment] Marsdek bristled at him for a tiny [see above re moment] moment before he [and then] relaxed again and put himself between Ylloria and Krygan. She stood suddenly [why suddenly?] in an off-balance moment, [not sure what this is meant to mean. And close repetition of "moment"] then bowed to him. [if you make the amendments I've suggested, strictly the "him" would relate to the subject of the previous sentence, which is Marsdek, so needs rewording]


[have run into a character limit, so continues in next post]

 

[The Judge]

Sorry to double post, but the software objected to my long-windedness. I was going to inflict the rest of it on you, as I'd done the work, but it's now stopping me pasting up the last section of the quote, and I can't face re-doing all the work, so I'll leave it there.


There's quite a lot of purple, but I thought it might help if I tried to explain some aspects of the suggested corrections.

I notice you have a habit of using simple past for a main verb followed by continuous past for a subsidiary verb. Although it's a style that can work -- indeed, it's one I use a lot -- to my mind you don't always use it correctly, so you need to take care with this.

By the way, although I've raised questions, there's no need to answer any of them. I'm not asking to be informed but to raise the issue for you to consider. And there's no need to explain anything or give context -- the piece should stand on its own without that. If it doesn't, something needs to be fixed -- you won't be standing at every reader's elbow to explain things they don't understand.

Good luck with it.

 

[ErikB]

Thank you for taking the time to share all of this with me. I have already started addressing some of the concerns you've pointed out in a third revision/rewrite of this offering.

I will study your suggestions and feedback as well as I continue to work on it. I'm very grateful for all of your help.

Cheers!

 

[VKALFIERI]

I'm editing this on my phone, so please forgive the lack of brightly coloured corrections and notes. Where I added something I put it in brackets. I also edited out some unnecessary (IMHO) words and phrasing. I think this quick edit (it took me all of 15 mins) helps some of the readability issues:

Ylloria sat by her window [watching] the mygath flock that buzzed around the pink and white tulan orchid flowers. Blue and purple iridescent feathers (adorned)on the heads of the Mygath[;] and they had bright yellow and black (striped) bodies.

As she sat at the window observing the scene, (her attention waivered as) soft footfalls(, accompanied by) the light jingle of thin metal discs(,) announced that she was not alone. An elegant female figure approached garbed in yellow, pink, and aqua colours. Deep sapphire stones were set in a necklace and wrist bracers adorning the newcomer.

Ylloria glanced at her guest briefly(,) returning her gaze to the garden flowers and small birds. Aware of the familiar presence of her mistress.

“Hello my Lady Pawgwyn. How are you today?”

“I am well Ylloria. The Lord Holder has asked me to send you to his office chambers,” she paused studying Ylloria from behind(.) “He would not say why however. This makes me curious. Have you had any recent visitations from Lord Krygan?”

Pawgwyn’s honey yellow eyes studied Ylloria carefully and with slightly raised brows.

Ylloria smiled and returned her gaze with a steady stare from (her own) emerald green eyes.

“You mean has he been bedding me? And the answer is no. I’ve not had any attention from our Lord for many a seasonal cycle Lady Pawgwyn. You needn’t worry on that count. I remain a discarded bauble to be used from time to time (to entertain) his more important and deviant diplomatic friends and rivals.”

Pawgwyn broke her gaze looking toward the doorway.

“I see. Well he summons you now. Better not to keep him waiting. Up(,) up!”

As Ylloria rose from her seated position her metallic emerald green eyes flashed in the sunlight and in spite of their stations Pawgwyn took a hesitant step back. Her contempt for the young half-breed was mixed with her fear of Ylloria’s other parentage. Her half-breed features mixed the brutal strength and physicality of the ultach with the psionic mind powers and subtle biochemical defenses that made the vanac a respected and feared race.

Ylloria bowed her head in passing and Pawgwyn noted with even more jealousy the subtle way that Ylloria walked. It was the natural elegance of a great jungle haureen in the form of a rival. Pawgwyn toyed with the idea of hurting her, but knew that Krygan was well aware of her feelings for Ylloria. If anything happened to his precious half-breed pet she had no doubt that she’d end up in an interrogation room with Q-Iythe. She shuddered at the thought.

Pawgwyn fumed as she returned to her station wondering if she still had any listening devices that functioned in Krygan’s office(.) She knew how frequently he swept the place for bugs. Still, it didn’t hurt to check. Perhaps she could find out more.

Ylloria’s soft blue silken gowns flowed and billowed behind her as she walked with her head lowered toward the office chambers. But the ultach ignored her or glanced with disapproving looks at the strange disgrace she represented. At the door stood Donadar Q-Iythe smiling as he stopped her.

“Our Lord Holder asks that you join him in the gardens. But you are not to discus this detour with anyone else. He awaits you there. He’s in the upper gardens by the water features.”

She nodded bowing to him.

“As you wish master Donadar. Good day to you sir.”

She turned and left and Q-Iythe smiled and watched her go. He had long admired her body and physical features. But he was more interested in her mental gifts than her form. Yet with all his scientific objectivity normally in place, it also bothered him a little that in spite of their respective stations there was something not born of his normal lust that stirred in him when he heard her voice.

She made him feel a little more clean and pure inside, if that were possible. He got a slight warmth in his heart that was uncharacteristic and he both enjoyed and feared it. It was a weakness, and he hated weakness. Still it almost made him grin and for a brief moment he dared to toy with hidden fantasies of a more romantic or domestic nature.

Until the truth of his nature reasserted itself making him hate himself all the more for even toying with ideas of romance and love. He shook his head and stormed off feeling a wave of annoyance. He had to go kill something or torture someone to get himself back on track. He grinned and headed back to check in on Uvosh in his private cell. Yes, a bit of time with Uvosh would do nicely!


Great trees towered around the lake and fast flowing streams of Lord Holder Vack’s upper gardens. The smell of korusonium flowers and the pungent musk of tutu vine filaments always made her feel better. The gardens were beautiful and she loved the fact that Krygan was meeting her here rather than his cold dark black office.

A shadow followed her in the dense bushes and plants to the right of the garden path. She felt it (and turned) to face the presence. Marsdek approached from under a large leafed fern. The stripped enithorox padded up to her briskly with an eager familiarity. But unlike most of those it encountered there was no aggression or indifference toward Ylloria.

Krygan had remarked in the past as to how strange it was to see his beloved pet approach her and seek her attention. Even now Marsdek chirped his contentment as she crouched down and smiled. She enjoyed him and this was obviously quite mutual as the most deadly predator on all of Lonorangg now rubbed up against her gently. She scratched behind his ears and he turned his head slightly delighting in her touch.

“You look as beautiful as ever Marsdek!” She said softly and Marsdek continued to chirp (and purr in) contentment and leaned in closer making her smile even more.

From a bend in the path Lord Krygan approached them at a brisk pace and to his astonishment Marsdek bristled at him for a tiny moment and then relaxed again and put himself between Ylloria and Krygan. She stood suddenly in an off-balance moment, then bowed to him.

“Forgive me Lord Krygan. I did not mean to tarry(, Master).”

He snapped his fingers and Marsdek reluctantly stood and sauntered over to him rubbing his head once against Krygan’s thigh before sitting down at his side. Krygan smiled and then looked Ylloria over for a moment before he spoke.

“Ylloria, there’s nothing to forgive. Rise. Come, walk with me.”

She stepped forward with her head still inclined and walked (alongside) Krygan but slightly behind him. Marsdek took the opportunity to rub against her more than a few times as he moved between the two. His playful and content chirping persisted as he delighted in her presence.

Krygan glanced down at Marsdek and then looked at Ylloria’s face. She kept her head lowered, as was her station.

“He likes you Ylloria.”

She nodded absently.

“Yes my Lord. A mutual feeling.”

Krygan laughed in a very genuine and amused tone.

“You know, General Sycress was in my office and trembled when Marsdek drew close enough to him. Shaking like an ulani. Everyone fears Marsdek. Every visiting dignitary and guest. And for Marsdek the feeling is mutual. Beside myself there has never been another person on all of Lonorangg that he has taken to, except for you Ylloria. Strange. He has a deep thing for you and it is always a wonder and bewilderment for me to see this. It makes me think Ylloria. I wonder what it is about you that Marsdek so favors?”

“I do not know my Lord. Truly I have no idea. But he’s a sweet creature and beautiful as well. I am very fond of him.”

Krygan nodded still smiling that devious knowing grin that always threw her off a bit.

“I can see that. It’s as if you’ve forgotten what he is.”

“I am aware that he can destroy shock troops, droids, and machines with little or no injury. I know of his speed and reputation and wild heart. Everyone on Lonorangg knows what an enithorox can do my Lord. But to me he’s just Marsdek. He’ll always be the majestic beast that calls to my heart. I cannot help it my Lord.”

 

[Dan Jones]

A quick question: why are you asking for a critique on chapter 5, rather than chapter 1? It strikes me that some of the headaches you're giving some readers here might not be an issue if you put up chapter 1 for a crit?

 

[ErikB]

Phone editing can be a challenge. Understood. I had actually already been addressing changes when you graciously critiqued the rewrite for me. It is most kind of you and I appreciate your wonderful input to this. Thank you so much.

To DG Jones, I mentioned this just prior to the poster above you having added her contribution, but am happy to reiterate and address both of your quick questions. I asked for a critique for Chapter 5 initially because it introduced a non bipedal character of interest and it had struck me (as I had not considered the implications) that it would be interesting to hear from others on that subject.

That said, I have mentioned several times that I wish in hindsight that I had simply opened with the book opening in chapter 1.

As to the "headaches" that I am giving readers, there are several solutions to that. Don't read my stuff, take an aspirin, seek medical assistance, find an app for that, etc. The point being that I do take my writing as seriously as all of those who have been kind enough to take the time and energy to respond and give me their feedback and advice. IF you take this as me creating a "headache" for others then perhaps you might wish to ignore this thread altogether as I would not wish to injure you with my writing. (A bit of a melodramatic characterization don't you think?).


To the Judge, in answer to your question, yes Krygan's office is entirely black. Onyx and obsidian, black hovering desk, chairs, etc. It is more dimly lit. This is for several reasons which are not important. But the office is actually entirely black.


Now on to the progress. This is the revised rewrite, having taken into account the many pointers and good advice given me. Thanks again to everyone who has given me positive and constructive feedback. It is very much appreciated.

*************************************************


Ylloria sat by her window staring at the mygath flock that buzzed around the pink and white tulan orchid flowers. Mygath had brilliant iridescent feathers on their shimmering bodies. The birds were a reminder that the spring season was almost over. Summer and the rainy season was drawing closer. But for Ylloria they were a link to her youth. A reminder of the wonder and awe she had felt when first coming to Krygan’s palace so long ago.

Behind her a soft footfall coupled with the light jingle of thin metal discs that trimmed the hem and border of the new arrival’s clothing announced that she was not alone. An elegant female figure approached dressed in pastel colours. Deep sapphire stones were set in a necklace and wrist bracers adorning the newcomer. A symbol of her station.

Ylloria turned to face her kneeling and inclining her head in deference to the familiar presence of her mistress.

“My Lady.”

“Ylloria.” Pawgwyn acknowledged as Ylloria now looked up at her.

“How are you Lady Pawgwyn?”

Pawgwyn’s honey yellow eyes studied Ylloria carefully and with slightly raised brows, her lips pursed a bit.

“I’m well Ylloria. The Lord Holder has asked me to send you to his office chambers,” she paused studying Ylloria carefully, “he would not say why however. This makes me curious. Have you had any recent visitations from Lord Krygan?”

Ylloria smiled and returned her gaze with a steady stare from emerald green eyes.

“You ask if he has been bedding me? And the answer is no. I’ve not had any attention from our Lord for many a seasonal cycle my Lady. No need to worry on that count. I remain a discarded bauble to be used from time to time entertaining his more important and deviant diplomatic friends and rivals.”

Pawgwyn broke her gaze looking toward the doorway. Nodding her head in that direction for emphasis.

“Well he summons you now. Better not to keep him waiting. Up up!”

As Ylloria rose from her kneeling position her eyes flashed in the sunlight and Pawgwyn took a hesitant step back. Her contempt for the young half-breed was mixed with fear of Ylloria’s other parentage. The vanac side of her with their powerful mental skills and subtle biochemical defenses.

Ylloria kept her head lowered in passing and Pawgwyn noted with even more jealousy the subtle way that Ylloria walked. There was the natural elegance like a great jungle haureen that just added to the many reasons for her contempt. Pawgwyn often toyed with the idea of hurting her, but knew better. If anything happened to Krygan’s precious mixed pet she had no doubt that she’d end up in an interrogation room with Q-Iythe. She shuddered at the thought.

Pawgwyn fumed as she returned to her chambers wondering if she still had any listening devices that functioned in Krygan’s office? She knew how frequently he swept the place for bugs. Still, it didn’t hurt to check. She activated her network connections from her office hoping to discover more.

Ylloria’s soft blue silken gowns flowed and billowed behind her as she walked with her head lowered toward the office chambers. But the ultach ignored her or at most glanced at her with disapproving looks. At the door to Krygan’s office Donadar Q-Iythe smiled as he stopped her.

“Our Lord Holder asks that you join him in the gardens. Keep this little detour to yourself Ylloria. He awaits you there in the upper gardens by the water features.”

She nodded, bowing to him.

“Very well master Donadar. Good day my Lord.”

She turned and left as Q-Iythe smiled and watched her go. He had long admired her physical features. But in truth he was more interested in her mental gifts than anything else. The things that mind might have hidden away. Things that were wasted on her.

Ylloria was one of the more unusual anomalies that came with palace life. He shook his head and stormed off feeling a wave of annoyance. He had to sate his impulses. Perhaps kill or torture someone to get himself back on track. He grinned and headed off to check in on Uvosh in his private cell. Yes, a bit of time with Uvosh would do.


Great towering trees surrounded the lake and fast flowing streams of Lord Holder Vack’s upper gardens. The smell of korusonium flowers and the pungent musk of tutu vine filaments always made Ylloria feel better. The gardens were beautiful and she loved the fact that Krygan was meeting her here rather than his cold dark black office.

A shadow followed her in the dense bushes and plants to the right of the garden path. She turned to face the familiar presence and Marsdek emerged, approaching her from under a large leafed fern. The striped enithorox padded up to her briskly with an eager familiarity.

Krygan had remarked in the past as to how strange it was to see his beloved pet approach her seeking her attention. Even now Marsdek chirped his contentment as she crouched down and smiled. She liked him and this was obviously quite mutual as Lonorangg’s apex predator now rubbed up against her gently with half lidded eyes. She scratched behind his ears and he angled his head slightly, delighting in her touch.

“You look as beautiful as ever Marsdek!” she said softly and Marsdek continued to chirp his contentment as he leaned in closer making her smile even more.

From a bend in the path Lord Krygan approached them at a briskly and to his astonishment Marsdek bristled at him briefly before relaxing once more, moving between Ylloria and Krygan. She was caught off guard by his arrival and off balance for a moment before kneeling and managing a proper bow.

“Forgive me Lord Krygan. I did not mean to tarry master.”


He snapped his fingers and Marsdek reluctantly stood and then sauntered over to him rubbing his head once against Krygan’s thigh before sitting down at the Lord Holder’s side. Krygan smiled and then looked Ylloria over for a moment before he spoke.

“Ylloria, there’s nothing to forgive. Rise. Come, walk with me.”

She stepped forward with her head still inclined and walked along side of Krygan but slightly behind him as Marsdek took the opportunity to rub against her more than a few times moving between the two. His playful and content chirping persisted.

Krygan glanced down at the enithorox, then looked at Ylloria’s face. She kept her head lowered, as expected.

“He likes you Ylloria.”

She nodded absently.

“Yes my Lord. A mutual feeling.”

Krygan laughed a very genuine and amused tone. He shook his head.

“You know, General Sycress was in my office and trembled when Marsdek drew close enough to him. Shaking like a little ulani. Fear! Everyone fears the dangerous animal. And to be sure he has no love for them either. Beside myself there has never been another that he has taken to, except for you Ylloria. Strange isn’t it? That he should be drawn to you. Bewildering and yet fascinating to me. It makes me think Ylloria. I wonder how this friendship came to pass?”

“I do not know my Lord. Truly I have no idea. He’s a sweet and beautiful creature. I am very fond of him.”

Krygan nodded still smiling that devious knowing grin that always threw her off a bit.

“I can see that. It’s as if you’ve forgotten what he is.”

“I am aware of his abilities. Everyone on Lonorangg knows what an enithorox can do my Lord. But to me he’s just Marsdek. He’ll always be the majestic beast that calls to my heart. I cannot help it my Lord.”

 

[Toby Frost]

Very briefly, I think this is a lot better. The main improvement for me is that the sentences are shorter and have less clauses, so the awkward, translated feel isn’t half as strong. Also, there’s much less telling the reader what you think they ought to be thinking.

My main criticisms are that there are several paragraphs like this: “Dave closed the door, opened his briefcase and took out his gun. A Mark-14 Plasma Pistol with an integral silencer”.

Firstly, “A Mark-14 Plasma Pistol with an integral silencer” isn’t a complete sentence in itself. Secondly, it’s as if you’re putting it on the end of the paragraph to tell the reader some new detail, like a narrator speaking an “aside” to the audience to fill in extra detail. Thirdly, while it could work once or twice, especially if describing something very important (“He was holding a sword. The same blade that had killed her uncle.”), it’s very distinctive as a structure and does become repetitive.

Also, you’ve got a tendency to use this verb structure a lot: “A person did a thing, doing something else as that happened”. Again, it’s rather repetitive, and also it’s not terribly clear to me when these events are happening. Is one happening at the same time as the other, or one after the other? I would be tempted to use two sentences unless it’s very clear that both things are happening at once (walking somewhere whilst forming a plan, say). "Bob sat down at the desk, opening one of the drawers" works better (and is more correct) as "Bob sat down at the desk and opened one of the drawers".

To be honest, there are quite a few details that I'd change if it was up to me, but they are much less important to me than the changes that you've made. I think others are better at a line-by-line critique, but overall I do think this is much stronger and also subtler than before.

 

[Brian G Turner]

The opening is *much* better - we're clearly in POV, we have a sense of focus, context, and something already happening to some degree.

You could probably tighten it with a later edit - we possibly don't need 4 lines of the two characters simply acknowledging one another, ie:

Ylloria turned to face her kneeling and inclining her head in deference to the familiar presence of her mistress.

“My Lady.”

“Ylloria.” Pawgwyn acknowledged as Ylloria now looked up at her.

“How are you Lady Pawgwyn?”

could simply become:

Ylloria turned to face her kneeling and inclining her head in deference to the familiar presence of her mistress. “How are you Lady Pawgwyn?”

However, do watch out for POV slips, ie:

Pawgwyn fumed

If we're in Ylloria's POV, then we're only privy to her feelings, not Pawgwyn's as well.

 

[Dan Jones]

To DG Jones, I mentioned this just prior to the poster above you having added her contribution, but am happy to reiterate and address both of your quick questions.

Woops, sorry, I obviously missed that. That'll teach me to skim read.

As to the "headaches" that I am giving readers, there are several solutions to that. Don't read my stuff, take an aspirin, seek medical assistance, find an app for that, etc. IF you take this as me creating a "headache" for others then perhaps you might wish to ignore this thread altogether as I would not wish to injure you with my writing. (A bit of a melodramatic characterization don't you think?).

Um, it was just a shorthand metaphor. My humble apologies for causing such offence, but I didn't mean any.

Anyway...

Onto the critique itself. As ever, just my opinions.

~

Ylloria sat by her window staring at the mygath flock that buzzed around the pink and white tulan orchid flowers. Mygath had brilliant iridescent feathers on their shimmering bodies. If they have feathers Ylloria presumably can't see their bodies, so can't see that they shimmer. Also, it might flow better to have the flock described at "brilliantly iridescent" in the first line rather than a separate line for description. The birds were a reminder that the spring season was almost over. Summer and the rainy season was drawing closer. But for Ylloria they were a link to her youth. A reminder of the wonder and awe she had felt when first coming to Krygan’s palace so long ago. nice

Behind her a soft footfall coupled with the light jingle of thin metal discs that trimmed the hem and border do you need "and border"? of the new arrival’s clothing announced that she was not alone. An elegant female figure approached dressed in pastel colours. Deep sapphire stones were set in a necklace and wrist bracers adorning the newcomer. A symbol of her station.

Ylloria turned to face her kneeling and inclining her head in deference to the familiar presence of her mistress.

“My Lady.” put this at the end of the previous line - it's part of the same action.

“Ylloria.” Pawgwyn acknowledged acknowledged what? Or, if this is a dialogue tag, you'll need a comma instead of a full stop as Ylloria now looked up at her.

“How are you, insert comma Lady Pawgwyn?”

Pawgwyn’s honey yellow eyes studied Ylloria carefully and with slightly raised brows, her lips pursed a bit.

“I’m well, insert comma Ylloria. The Lord Holder has asked me to send you to his office chambers,” she paused, insert comma studying Ylloria carefully. FS instead of comma “He would not say why however. This makes me curious. Have you had any recent visitations from Lord Krygan?”

Ylloria smiled and returned her gaze with a steady stare from emerald green eyes. If you're writing in close 3rd Ylloria wouldn't be able to see her own eye colour.

“You ask if he has been bedding me? And the answer is no. I’ve not had any attention from our Lord for many a seasonal cycle my Lady. No need to worry on that count. I remain a discarded bauble to be used from time to time entertaining his more important and deviant diplomatic friends and rivals.”

Pawgwyn broke her gaze, insert comma looking toward the doorway, insert comma nodding her head in that direction for emphasis.

“Well he summons you now. Better not to keep him waiting. Up up!”

As Ylloria rose from her kneeling position her eyes flashed in the sunlight and Pawgwyn took a hesitant step back. Her contempt for the young half-breed was mixed with fear of Ylloria’s other parentage. The vanac side of her with their powerful mental skills and subtle biochemical defenses.

Ylloria kept her head lowered in passing and Pawgwyn noted with even more jealousy the subtle way that Ylloria walked. There was the natural elegance like a great jungle haureen that just added to the many reasons for her contempt. Pawgwyn often toyed with the idea of hurting her, but knew better. If anything happened to Krygan’s precious mixed pet she had no doubt that she’d end up in an interrogation room with Q-Iythe. She shuddered at the thought.

Pawgwyn fumed as she returned to her chambers wondering if she still had any listening devices that functioned in Krygan’s office? full stop, not question mark She knew how frequently he swept the place for bugs. Still, it didn’t hurt to check. She activated her network connections from her office hoping to discover more.

Ylloria’s soft blue silken gowns flowed and billowed behind her as she walked with her head lowered toward the office chambers. But the ultach ignored her or at most glanced at her with disapproving looks. At the door to Krygan’s office Donadar Q-Iythe smiled as he stopped her.

“Our Lord Holder asks that you join him in the gardens. Keep this little detour to yourself, insert comma Ylloria. He awaits you there in the upper gardens by the water features.”

She nodded, bowing to him.

“Very well, insert comma master Donadar. Good day my Lord.” Add to the end of previous line

She turned and left as Q-Iythe smiled and watched her go. He had long admired her physical features. But in truth he was more interested in her mental gifts than anything else. The things that mind might have hidden away. Things that were wasted on her.

Ylloria was one of the more unusual anomalies that came with palace life. He shook his head and stormed off feeling a wave of annoyance. He had to sate his impulses. Perhaps kill or torture someone to get himself back on track. He grinned and headed off to check in on Uvosh in his private cell. Yes, a bit of time with Uvosh would do.


Great towering trees surrounded the lake and fast flowing streams of Lord Holder Vack’s upper gardens. The smell of korusonium flowers and the pungent musk of tutu vine filaments always made Ylloria feel better. The gardens were beautiful and she loved the fact that Krygan was meeting her here rather than his cold dark black office. personally I'd only use one of "black" and "dark" - not both.

A shadow followed her in the dense bushes and plants to the right of the garden path. She turned to face the familiar presence and Marsdek emerged, approaching her from under a large leafed fern. The striped enithorox padded up to her briskly with an eager familiarity.

Krygan had remarked in the past as to how strange it was to see his beloved pet approach her seeking her attention. Even now Marsdek chirped his contentment as she crouched down and smiled. She liked him and this was obviously quite mutual as Lonorangg’s apex predator now rubbed up against her gently with half lidded eyes. She scratched behind his ears and he angled his head slightly, delighting in her touch.

“You look as beautiful as ever Marsdek!” she said softly and Marsdek continued to chirp his contentment as he leaned in closer making her smile even more.

From a bend in the path Lord Krygan approached them at a briskly missing word, presumably "pace" and to his astonishment Marsdek bristled at him briefly before relaxing once more, moving between Ylloria and Krygan. She was caught off guard by his arrival and off balance for a moment before kneeling and managing a proper bow.

“Forgive me, insert comma Lord Krygan. I did not mean to tarry master.”

He snapped his fingers and Marsdek reluctantly stood and then sauntered over to him rubbing his head once against Krygan’s thigh before sitting down at the Lord Holder’s side. Krygan smiled and then looked Ylloria over for a moment before he spoke.

“Ylloria, there’s nothing to forgive. Rise. Come, walk with me.”

She stepped forward with her head still inclined and walked along side of Krygan but slightly behind him as Marsdek took the opportunity to rub against her more than a few times moving between the two. His playful and content chirping persisted.

Krygan glanced down at the enithorox, then looked at Ylloria’s face. She kept her head lowered, as expected.

“He likes you Ylloria.”

She nodded absently.

“Yes my Lord. A mutual feeling.”

Krygan laughed a very genuine and amused tone. He shook his head.

“You know, General Sycress was in my office and trembled when Marsdek drew close enough to him. Shaking like a little ulani. Fear! Everyone fears the dangerous animal. And to be sure he has no love for them either. Beside myself there has never been another that he has taken to, except for you Ylloria. Strange isn’t it? That he should be drawn to you. Bewildering and yet fascinating to me. It makes me think Ylloria. I wonder how this friendship came to pass?”

“I do not know my Lord. Truly I have no idea. He’s a sweet and beautiful creature. I am very fond of him.”

Krygan nodded still smiling that devious knowing grin that always threw her off a bit.

“I can see that. It’s as if you’ve forgotten what he is.” add to end of previous line.

“I am aware of his abilities. Everyone on Lonorangg knows what an enithorox can do my, insert comma Lord. But to me he’s just Marsdek. He’ll always be the majestic beast that calls to my heart. I cannot help it, insert comma my Lord.”

~

Ok, it's not bad at all. There is a high number of errors in punctuation and formatting, plus the occasional confusion over dialogue tags, which would have to picked out in a hard line edit (or by a very charitable beta reader), but on the whole I think it reads pretty well. I think the Marsdek character (if indeed he is supposed to be a proper character as opposed to merely a pet) comes across well. This is an instance of you drip-feeding the correct / relevant information to the reader as you go rather than in one go, and it works.

As above, some aspects are a little confusing without the context of earlier chapters, but I let that slide and just focused on what was here, and I think you've got some good stuff going on here.

 

[Phyrebrat]

The opening is *much* better - we're clearly in POV, we have a sense of focus, context, and something already happening to some degree.

You could probably tighten it with a later edit - we possibly don't need 4 lines of the two characters simply acknowledging one another, ie:



could simply become:



However, do watch out for POV slips, ie:



If we're in Ylloria's POV, then we're only privy to her feelings, not Pawgwyn's as well.

I'd be even more brutal...

Ylloria turned to face her kneeling and inclining her head in deference to the familiar presence of her mistress. “How are you Lady Pawgwyn?”

to:

Ylloria turned to her and knelt. 'How are you, Lady Pawgwyn?'

It cuts down on the telling, and it's pretty clear that someone kneeling before someone is deferential, without the incline needing to be mentioned. I also think a kneel and an incline is awkward; I can picture someone bowing a little, straightening, and then tilting their head, but it's all a bit extraneous.

pH

 

[Toby Frost]

I would be tempted to use two sentences unless it’s very clear that both things are happening at once (walking somewhere whilst forming a plan, say). "Bob sat down at the desk, opening one of the drawers" works better (and is more correct) as "Bob sat down at the desk and opened one of the drawers".

Sorry, this isn't very clear. What I meant to say was "two seperate sentences or two seperate clauses", and that "Bob sat down at the desk, opening one of the drawers" works worse, and is less correct, than "Bob sat down at the desk and opened one of the drawers". Whoops!

 

[ErikB]

Thanks folks I am grateful for all of the feedback. I will work on these areas more. I just got home from work so I've only briefly skimmed everything. I will study more in detail in a bit.

Toby I'll try to focus more on those extra sentences and verb structure. I appreciate you letting me know.

Brian I will try to keep a better watch on the POV shifts. I have always (probably a big "No-no" in writing) slipped back and forth when describing two characters interacting without considering locking it down to just one person. So I will have to work on this.

For me its simple and easy to read, but I forget that readers read differently than I might be putting things across. I will work on these things.

I did draw out the greeting and that came from a historical inference. I used to belong to a Medieval recreation group and often an exchange of acknowledging took place prior to an opening statement.

ie; "My Lord So-and-so."
"My Lady Such-and-such."
"How do you fare my Lord?"
"Quite well my Lady."

But I do get your point about expediency.

Thank you.

DG Jones, my apologies as well for misunderstanding your intent. I am grateful for the feedback and assistance and will work on the suggestions you have shared. Thank you very much.

Phyrebrat I will have to think about upping my brutality. Ultach society is structured differently from our own.

Still a lot of this is "cut to the chase" and I will work on this. Thanks.