An Excerpt from Chapter 5 of book 1 of my new series.

[ErikB]

Sorry, this isn't very clear. What I meant to say was "two seperate sentences or two seperate clauses", and that "Bob sat down at the desk, opening one of the drawers" works worse, and is less correct, than "Bob sat down at the desk and opened one of the drawers". Whoops!

Or;

" As Bob sat at the desk he opened a drawer."

Better still...

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Or;

" As Bob sat at the desk he opened a drawer."

Better still...

Nope - this would mean as he was sitting down he was opening a drawer at the same time. Toby's is clearer.

 

[ErikB]

Nope - this would mean as he was sitting down he was opening a drawer at the same time. Toby's is clearer.

Do we know that Bob is not in a hurry to get a coupon he's been saving and head down to the coffee shop before the offer expires at noon?

We do not.

Toby's is better if Bob is taking the time to sit and then open the drawer. But opening as he sits down shows that Bob is in a hurry.

All in the context.

Without knowing that, you cannot make a blanket statement about consision eh?

My Bob is in a hurry. Toby's Bob is not.

He he he,... Fun stuff.

LOL.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Let me put it differently. Toby's was clear (I did say clearer, not better, if you read my post again) in terms of actions, yours was not. I would read his without being lifted from the narrative, yours would have lifted me out while I tried to figure out the actions. If you want to indicate speed, then do so without making it look like a rushed sentence, perhaps, but a clear chain of actions.

Unless you plan on being the next James Joyce making things easier for the reader aids immersion - and clarity of action is part of the toolbox needed to acheive that.

Perhaps, instead of continually questioning/rebutting what people kindly gave their time to your crit thread to answer, you should ask if they actually had a considered response, irrespective of any context.

 

[ErikB]

Hey I was kidding. They told me the site was full of humor. I thought I'd contribute. Hence the "He he he" and the "LOL" stuff.

So serious...

I am trying to keep everything light and positive.