Romantic horror, 800 words

[Wruter]

I've never put anything up for critique before as I'd wanted a complete draft first. The draft is three-quarters done but I'm taking a break for revision before tackling the final section. The novel is historical romantic horror (or gothic romance if you prefer) with fantasy elements, set in late 18th century England and France. Below is the opening as it currently stands and I would be grateful for any feedback.

#

London, 1786


The room was small.

Lila Prudence Davenport stood on the bare wooden floorboards in her wet shoes, making a show of looking around; inspecting the lodgings though there was very little to inspect. A single narrow bed topped with a thin straw-stuffed mattress; a battered chest of drawers with a chipped basin of water perched on top; a chair missing one leg. The small grime-smeared window looked out onto a dank alleyway below and the brick wall of the neighboring building. Lila supposed she should consider herself lucky that she had managed to procure—at her own insistence and no doubt extra expense—a room with a window at all.

The housekeeper stood framed in the doorway of the room, watching her with eyes narrowed and arms folded. Mrs. Jennings was a heavyset, gap-toothed woman with her head covered in a ragged shawl even indoors; middle-aged yet already old beyond her years, as life in the city tended to inflict. Lila—who had lived most of her twenty-two years thus far on a sprawling, wealthy country estate—wondered how long her own youth would last now that she too had become one of London's thousands of urban denizens.

“This will be fine,” Lila said, attempting a smile of reassurance, whether for herself or for the housekeeper she couldn't be sure.

Mrs. Jennings grunted. “It's a shilling a night, meals extra, no visitors after dark. Certainly no gentleman visitors,” she added with a lascivious twinkling of her eyes and a gummy grin.

Lila ignored the comment and paid a full fortnight's rent and board in advance. Mrs. Jennings bit the pound coin and sniffed it suspiciously. Then, appearing grudgingly satisfied, she made it disappear up her sleeve. The housekeeper hesitated; Lila could see the list of questions forming in her openly curious gaze. What was an unaccompanied young woman doing seeking lodgings in such an establishment on a rainy October evening? Particularly one whose dress, accent and ready payment spoke of certain means.

“If you will please excuse me I must prepare for an appointment,” Lila said firmly, forestalling any inquiries.

Mrs. Jennings grimaced and sniffed. Though plainly unhappy at the lack of gossip material, she nodded then backed out of the doorway with a thwarted expression. “As you wish, young madam.” The housekeeper stomped off along the hallway.

Lila closed the door of her new accommodation and sat down on the edge of the bed with a heaving sigh, her legs suddenly weak. She closed her eyes, tired following the journey across the city. It was never easy. Not any more. Not since her family had disowned her after … but she didn't want to think about that now. No doubt the images would haunt her enough later in the lonely dark, as they did every night. She opened her eyes and her gaze settled upon a cheap wooden crucifix hanging on the wall above the bed. A sign of protection, for some. But for her…

Lila shook her head and got to her feet, forcing herself to focus on the task at hand. She splashed her face with water from the basin and did her best to clean herself of the city's grime, despite knowing she would inevitably become dirty again soon enough. Her single case of luggage contained only a few items of clothing and toiletries and hardly any cosmetics. With the fashion for powdered faces and garish make-up in full vogue she would simply have to get used to no longer being in fashion. It was a small sacrifice to make, considering.

Taking her umbrella and pulling on gloves, Lila left the room and headed downstairs. Passing the open kitchen doorway she caught a glimpse of a sour-faced Mrs. Jennings watching her go.

On the street outside the Soho lodging house, the rain was still coming down in a cold drizzle and the early evening sky was a dull gray slate hanging over the dark spires of London. Horse-drawn carriages clattered forlornly over the wet cobbles while pedestrians huddled in their overcoats, hurrying by. Lila decided against hailing a taxi and set off walking since her destination was not too far away, which was one reason why she had chosen these particular lodgings. The other reason being anonymity among the usual types of patrons such places housed: immigrants; artists; libertines; prostitutes.

Music spilled from the recessed doorway of a bar she passed and she paused to listen. A woman was singing sweetly in melancholy French to the accompaniment of a harpsichord; a new song Lila had not heard before. Having been tutored in several languages, the lyrics took her but a moment to translate. Plaisir d'amour ne dure qu'un moment; chagrin d'amour dure toute la vie. The pleasure of love lasts only a moment; the grief of love lasts a lifetime.

Pierced, Lila shivered and hurried on by.

 

[Brian G Turner]

It's not bad, but you're missing a strong opening to push us into the character. What's the conflict behind this scene? Put something of that in the first line. This is especially because most of the next few paragraphs avoid revealing anything about Lila, and therefore draw us away from her - in fact, the housekeeper is made to be far more interesting by all the little details you give her.

You could possibly tighten it a little as well, especially to ensure Lila remains the focus.

But aside from that, not bad at all. Just needs some character development and focus on conflict to set the scene, IMO. But well done for avoiding infodumps! And I did especially like the French lyric and towards the end - you said so much so succinctly without having to resort to long passages of telling.

 

[Randy M.]

I mostly agree with Brian. Ms. Jennings seems more present in the scene than Lila, and the character details are very nice. She knows who is most likely to use her boarding house, she's seen it before, but still the curiosity about this particular one.

That said, you do set up a mystery that would nudge me to keep reading: Why was Lila disowned? Who is she to meet? What is there about "the grief of love" that resonates with her? There's a touch of melancholy to this extract that intrigues me.

Randy M.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

I've seen this before, of course, as well as several other excerpts from the author, so that may have an effect on my opinion. With that in mind, allow me to say that I don't have any problem with this opening. I have enough of an image of the protagonist through the use of contrast with her environment and her reactions to it. I believe that there is enough empathy and suspense created to hold the reader's interest. There is no question that the images are vivid and that the style creates the proper mood.

 

[The Judge]

An easy, smooth read, and I enjoyed it. I liked the character of Mrs Jennings, but I also thought that you've perhaps coloured her too strongly, so she rather overpowers the scene, taking away from Lila who appears monochrome and flat by comparison. And although you've avoided egregious info-dumping, for me there was some odd bits that could be removed to help avoid even a hint of it eg her full name -- for me "Lila" would have been quite enough, since we don't need to know her full name at this point. I'd also be tempted to prune the scene, to make it read a little faster.

The biggest problem for me, though, is that there's nothing here which says Georgian London to me, and if I'd not known in advance, I'd have put this setting as much, much later -- Edwardian or even the 1920s/30s. Even Prudence as a Christian name to me echoes the Victorian love of virtuous names. I'm certainly no expert on the Georgian period, so if you've done a lot of research and you're confident about the details, ignore me, but the following are points which for me appear anachronistic

• "horse-drawn carriages" suggests there are alternatives to horse power, which simply wouldn't have been the case in 1786, unless you have fantasy animals here or this is going to be steampunk as well as gothic horror
• I don't know if the concept of a lodging house was around then, though there surely was some cheap accommodation for transients, but this idea of providing food raises my hackles a little, and the "no gentlemen visitors" landlady feels very Victorian, even with the leering -- Georgian morals and attitudes were very different
• "taxi" -- in itself a C20th word, so very out of place, and although there were hackney carriages in London far earlier, I'd question whether they were used as we think of cabs nowadays, ie being hailed at they passed and used for relatively short journeys -- again a more Victorian development I'd have thought. Anyway, would they really be plying for trade in this area?
  
• the bar -- although "bar" was another word for a tavern from much earlier, it wasn't standard, and by now "public house" had come into vogue. But if she is well bred would she even know the word?
• a harpsichord would surely have been an instrument for the upper classes, and although the first tavern concerts had started by the 1760s (the very early forerunners of the music hall) these were aimed at the middle classes, and not likely to be in this area. There may well have been music sung by maudlin drinkers and/or the working girls, but any accompaniment in this working class (and worse) area would surely have been provided by something cheap and portable
• pound coin -- guineas were certainly coins, but wouldn't a pound have appeared as a banknote at this time, and have been very rare? Certainly a woman like Mrs Jennings isn't going to come across one often, I'd have thought, and it might well cause her problems in trying to change it for lower denominations. Have you checked prices to see if a shilling is a realistic price for a room at this time?

In an invented world, none of the above would matter quite so much, though I'd personally be careful, but if you're being precise as to place and date in the real world, I think it does need to reflect real society and word use (see below) a little more.

And although not specifically anachronistic, the wooden crucifix above the bed jarred for me. Although the first of the Catholic Emancipation Acts had been passed by now, I can't believe life was particularly easy for Catholics in a very Protestant city, and this signposting of belief would be potentially dangerous. (The French immigrants who occupied Soho in the late C17 were Huguenots, of course.) It does occur to me that the crucifix may be there as protection from eg vampires, in which case it might be worth just an extra word or two clarifying that.

In nit-picking mode:

• I'm not sure if you're intending to write in US English, but if not then it's "neighbouring"
• "housekeeper" -- at this time, more used for the domestic in charge of large houses, I'd have thought
• "as life in the city tended to inflict" -- I know what you mean (and a good observation), and "inflict" is a lovely idea, but it's the wrong verb for that sentence as constructed, and I can't think of one which would fit. I'd suggest rewording.
  
• "London's ... urban denizens" -- "urban" tautologous here, since the suburbs were surely still seen as being outside London
• "This will be fine" -- fine was used in expression such as "a fine day" but not in this context in this period
  
• "young madam" -- "madam" very unlikely to be used for a clearly unmarried woman, I'd have thought
• "toiletries" is a C20th word, "overcoat" is C19th, and there was another one which struck me as out of place which I now can't find. If you want to avoid difficulties to ensure she speaks and thinks according to the times, then the Online Etymology Dictionary will be invaluable
  
• punctuation -- too many semi-colons in the opening lines for my taste, and a few more commas wouldn't go amiss in lines like "now that she, too, had become"

I didn't feel the omission of conflict here was an overriding issue, but what I found lacking was deeper emotion. I was brought up in a working class area, with a lavatory that had originally been just a outhouse in the garden and next door to a house where -- reputedly -- a lady entertained rather more gentlemen than was considered acceptable, but at the age of 22 I'd still have been horrified/mortified/plain terrified at being thrust alone into this room in this area that you've put Lila into. If she is of the upper middle classes and has been brought up with money, I don't care how stoic she is, unless she's been inside other establishments like this one (in which case she's surely not going to be studying it as she does) she is going to be thinking of more than the lack of cosmetics when she's standing there alone. To me, you need to bleed her horror/dismay/whatever onto the page a good bit more than you have done -- the weak legs are a good start but I'd expect more, or a conscious effort from her not to feel.

Overall, a very good first draft, with thoughtful characterisation and description, and I'm interested in reading more and finding out what she's done to be banished from hearth and home. Well done.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

yes, not bad at all. Other will help you tighten technically and grammar wise, but I just thought I'd point out a few inconsistencies in the meanwhile.

I've never put anything up for critique before as I'd wanted a complete draft first. The draft is three-quarters done but I'm taking a break for revision before tackling the final section. The novel is historical romantic horror (or gothic romance if you prefer) with fantasy elements, set in late 18th century England and France. Below is the opening as it currently stands and I would be grateful for any feedback.

#

London, 1786


The room was small.

Lila Prudence Davenport stood on the bare wooden floorboards in her wet shoes, making a show of looking around; inspecting the lodgings though there was very little to inspect. A single narrow bed topped with a thin straw-stuffed mattress; a battered chest of drawers with a chipped basin of water perched on top; a chair missing one leg. The small grime-smeared (one of the other or none, to early for flowing prose) window looked out onto a dank alleyway below and the brick wall of the neighboring building. Lila supposed she should consider herself lucky that she had managed to procure—at her own insistence and no doubt extra expense—a room with a window at all.

The housekeeper stood framed in the doorway of the room, watching her with eyes narrowed and arms folded. Mrs. Jennings was a heavyset, gap-toothed woman with her head covered in a ragged shawl even indoors; middle-aged yet already old beyond her years, as life in the city tended to inflict. Lila—who had lived most of her twenty-two years thus far on a sprawling, wealthy country estate—wondered how long her own youth would last now that she too had become one of London's thousands of urban denizens. (slightly clunky, would prefer something more emotional and subjective, rather than 'the social conditions of the poor' journalistic non-emotional objectivity)

“This will be fine,” Lila said, attempting a smile of reassurance, whether for herself or for the housekeeper she couldn't be sure.

Mrs. Jennings grunted. “It's a shilling a night, meals extra, no visitors after dark. Certainly no gentleman visitors,” she added with a lascivious twinkling of her eyes and a gummy grin.

Lila ignored the comment and paid a full fortnight's rent and board in advance. Mrs. Jennings bit the pound coin and sniffed it suspiciously. Then, appearing grudgingly satisfied, she made it disappear up her sleeve. The housekeeper hesitated; Lila could see the list of questions forming in her openly curious gaze. What was an unaccompanied young woman doing seeking lodgings in such an establishment on a rainy October evening? Particularly one whose dress, accent and ready payment spoke of certain means.

“If you will please excuse me I must prepare for an appointment,” Lila said firmly, forestalling any inquiries.

Mrs. Jennings grimaced and sniffed. Though plainly unhappy at the lack of gossip material, she nodded then backed out of the doorway with a thwarted expression. “As you wish, young madam (dunno , young lady, madam, miss maybe?).” The housekeeper stomped off along the hallway.

Lila closed the door of her new accommodation and sat down on the edge of the bed with a heaving sigh, her legs suddenly weak. She closed her eyes, tired following the journey across the city. It was never easy. Not any more. Not since her family had disowned her. after … but she didn't want to think about that now.(this does not help the proceeding piece of info) No doubt the images would haunt her enough later in the lonely dark, (nope, besides the dark being inert ()that's really a cheap way to illustrate her emotional state, it's telling, not showing. A tad more sense of her subjective emotional experience would be nice) ) as they did every night. She opened her eyes and her gaze settled upon a cheap wooden crucifix hanging on the wall above the bed. A sign of protection, for some. But for her…

Lila shook her head and got to her feet, forcing herself to focus on the task at hand. She splashed her face with water from the basin and did her best to clean herself of the city's grime, despite knowing she would inevitably become dirty again soon enough. Her single case of luggage contained only a few items of clothing and toiletries and hardly any cosmetics. With the fashion for powdered faces and garish make-up in full vogue she would simply have to get used to no longer being in fashion. It was a small sacrifice to make, considering.

Taking her umbrella and pulling on gloves, Lila left the room and headed downstairs. Passing the open kitchen doorway she caught a glimpse of a sour-faced Mrs. Jennings watching her go.

On the street outside the Soho lodging house, the rain was still coming down in a cold drizzle and the early evening sky was a dull gray slate hanging over the dark spires of London. Horse-drawn carriages clattered forlornly over the wet cobbles while pedestrians huddled in their overcoats, hurrying by. Lila decided against hailing a taxi and set off walking since her destination was not too far away, which was one reason why she had chosen these particular lodgings. The other reason being anonymity (ok, now a well dressed young lady stands out in this world, so you need her to change into plain garb before she leaves the lodging house, and you can also tie-in the no make-up with that - ie, she wants to appear inconspicuous. The poor neighrborhoods are MORE likely to notice a stranger, been wary of potential police spies, dangerous folk etc.So she needs to look like a poor maid, or seamstress or similar) among the usual types of patrons such places housed: immigrants; artists; libertines; prostitutes.

Music spilled from the recessed doorway of a bar she passed and she paused to listen. A woman was singing sweetly in melancholy French to the accompaniment of a harpsichord; a new song Lila had not heard before. Having been tutored in several languages, the lyrics took her but a moment to translate. Plaisir d'amour ne dure qu'un moment; chagrin d'amour dure toute la vie. The pleasure of love lasts only a moment; the grief of love lasts a lifetime.

Pierced, Lila shivered and hurried on by.

Keep it up!
(just added another note)

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I thought it worked well for the genre but think a small hint of a hook would do no harm.

 

[The Big Peat]

Its solid but there's no fireworks for me.

I think that The Judge has nailed it by pointing to the lack of deeper emotion. The focus of the scene is the whole scene, not Lila. Lila's almost part of the scenery for me. Focusing more on Lila's reactions to the situation - and I agree that her lack of reaction is slightly odd given purported background vs purported place - would create more hook without any need for conflict/mystery. Not that these things are bad or couldn't improve them but I don't think the scene *needs* them. More of Lila's emotions and observations are, I think, needed.

 

[Phyrebrat]

To echo what has been said, I would agree it is largely a clean-written piece but I would suggest it would benefit greatly from some atmosphere - internal or external - with Lila. Essentially, as it stands, it is someone checking into somewhere with a rather mealy mouthed housekeeper. You've mentioned something in her past, but it is not explicit or soon enough to make her 'different' from anyone else checking into somewhere in that period.

I'm not pushing for a hook, but as you've genred (yes, you can verbify 'genre' ) this as a horror, albeit romantic, I think you need to set that atmosphere. To me there is nothing Gothic or horror-y about it yet. If you've read Arthur Machen, M R James - even watching old Hammer and Amicus films - you'll note there is a use of word choice that in itself is not overtly scary, but sets a tone (metaphors and similes using unpleasant things rather than appropriate things: The bed could remind her of a doll she saw in the gutter outside with all the stuffing loose, and an arm missing; the window can look like a cyclopean eye, the door paint crumbling giving it a jagged mouth look etc). I think of things like angles being 'off' somehow, incongruous sounds, the things people don't say, or things that are going on in the background, as a great way of scene setting, and allowing the reader access into your genre quickly. It also allows you to take a 'soft hook' approach, rather than blam blam blam ****s going down!

But it is very cleanly written and I think with a bit of judicious cutting out of overwritten sections, it's a good opening.

pH

 

[crystal haven]

Hi

Well done. Keep going.

I liked it and enjoyed it, and it's well written, but I agree with many things already said. The mention of Taxi, for instance, pulled me out because the word didn't really fit the time period. She also should be very afraid, in a world she doesn't understand if she's from a wealthy country estate. The darkness of the novel could be brought in through her fear; I would have liked to be closer in to the character too, which would help with the atmosphere.

I really enjoyed the feel of the story, the style of writing. It fits well to the period, but the opening didn't grab me as much as it should - later on yes, I was hooked and would have kept reading. So maybe look at the opening to see how you can pull in your reader more. Atmosphere, as Phyrebrat has mentioned already, is mostly what I think is missing.

 

[Stuart Suffel]

All good comments here.

But I would like to say re atmosphere and hook, thread gently. You've managed to create (not quite sure how) a sense of the melancholic without over doing it. So if you do add 'horror' of hook, do it vaguely, with minimum word use.

I'd say once you tighten up the prose, a lot more will come through naturally. You have a nice voice here, I think created by use of the passive voice maybe, I'm not sure (I'd have to spend time examining it) so don't add too much spice, or you risk losing that subtle flavour.

 

[Vaz]

This scene does have great atmosphere, and a really nice voice, keep it up.

However, for me it needs a tad more character depth. Lila comes across a little passive, I think if you were to show her having a stronger reaction to the situation she has found herself in it would make for a more active scene and give a greater sense of Lila's character.

Just a few thoughts.

v

 

[Wruter]

Wow! Thank you very much everyone! You've given me a wealth of feedback to work with!

 

[Dan Jones]

Meant to get to this yesterday, but time escaped me.

I liked it, rather a lot. The narrative voice feels right for the genre, and there is just enough of a sense of something wrong to keep me reading. I will say that, so long as the writing itself is good quality (which it is) I'm quite a forgiving reader, and can overlook the lack of an apparent hook at the very beginning. A quiet start, then, but a highly competent one, and as a reader that'd be enough to keep me reading.

The only thing which made me blink were the two ellipses in paragraph 9, where she tantalises the reader with the beginning of a glimpse into the... whatever it is that's happened, before whipping it away again. That seemed a tad contrived to me. It would be interesting to get a glimpse of how Lila feels at securing this lodging, too - relieved, fearful, anxious? Or something else?

Also, echoing the Judge, I think you need a stronger sense of time and place - I'm sure you evoke Georgian London later on more viscerally, but here it's a bit vague. What does the room smell of? Does Lila have any preconceptions about London which colour her inspection / expectations of the room?

But it's very nicely written, and Lila and Mrs Jennings are well drawn so far. Keep it up!

 

[Coast]

I'm not sure where the story is headed obviously, but I read the imbalance between her situation and her reaction as a clue that perhaps Lila isn't what she appears to be. That she's up to something, or is something. (If that's not the case, and she is just plain ol' Lila then I agree with what others have said that she seems a little flat.) But it made me suspicious of her, and interested enough to want to learn more.

The main things that pulled me up were the taxi - already mentioned, and this section:

Mrs. Jennings grimaced and sniffed. Though plainly unhappy at the lack of gossip material, she nodded then backed out of the doorway with a thwarted expression. “As you wish, young madam.” The housekeeper stomped off along the hallway.

'Thwarted expression' distracted me and got me wondering what exactly that is. And to be honest, I'm not sure if it's the 'thwarted expression' itself, or that we see Mrs J grimace, sniff, look unhappy, nod, then back away with the thwarted expression.

I can't tell you why (inexperience rather than secrecy ) but I really liked this transition,

Taking her umbrella and pulling on gloves, Lila left the room and headed downstairs. Passing the open kitchen doorway she caught a glimpse of a sour-faced Mrs. Jennings watching her go.

I'd definitely want to read on.

 

[Martin Gill]

I'll echo the Judge's comments on some of the anachronisms that made me think this was Victorian and not earlier. Also aren't there 20 shillings in a pound? So 14 nights @ one shilling...

Overall I liked it, and it hinted at mystery, just not strongly enough. You mention that Lila's family disowned her. You could land that in line one then leave us wondering, "ooh, why?". Like "Precisely three weeks and a day after Lila's family disowned her, she found herself standing in a small room..." or something.

Its nicely written evocative, but I think it evokes Victorian and doesn't grab me by the you know what's and make me want to know more about Lila.

 

[Dan Jones]

Also aren't there 20 shillings in a pound? So 14 nights @ one shilling...

Yeah I thought this but then I thought she did pay for board as well, so it's ok. Glad to see there's somebody else watching the pennies on here

 

[Stephen Thompson]

Hello, please forgive my ignorance as I'm quite new to this sort of thing but I wanted to say a couple of things.


Firstly, I really liked it; I'd definitely be interested in reading more. I'm going to attempt to slip the word Forestall into conversation at work tomorrow that's for sure

I think Lila needs to be more afraid of her new surroundings; my girlfriend is painfully middle class and she used to be afraid to park her car on my street and my area ain't half as creepy as where Lila is right now. She's a fish out of water so literally a creaking floorboard should make her jump.

I would like her more if she was somewhat intelligent, and she will need to be if she's to survive what's coming. She's in a poor area, so if it were me writing her, she would have bought herself some rags to wear, to fit in, and would have gotten rid of anything at all that suggested wealth. The clothes, the toiletries, the makeup - everything. She would pay for her room on a per-night basis even if she did have all the money now (hiding the rest somewhere; a loose floorboard perhaps?) and if she really wanted to blend, she would maybe try to negotiate the price down a little. This fresh faced sweetheart, as she is right now, is a massive target and it's only a matter of time before some ruffian with dishonourable intentions corners her.


Next; What happened to her to make her family disown her? A little more meat on that bone perhaps, but without giving too much away just yet, maybe instead of saying her family disowned her straight off the bat, you could subtly allude to the incident somehow (i can't make any suggestion though as I don't know what the incident was).


The house mistress is getting a little too much airtime as the others have mentioned, I'd only mention her this much if she's going to be a contingent character; perhaps she's a sinister force later or maybe she's actually a caring matriarch who has to put up a rough front to keep herself safe in this unforgiving city? In either case, I'd tone her down a little; if she is getting a major role in this production, maybe mention her twice in a portion of this length, if not, I'd give her that one mention at the start when she's showing Lila the room.


I'd mention the window less, maybe just during the part where she's looking out of it and if need be, later on (maybe after she has returned from her appointment).

I'd do away with the crucifix unless it either relates to her disownment (did she jilt a suitor?) or if Vampires are coming, in any case, as someone mentioned before about Catholicism; maybe it could just become a simple cross?


Urban denizens.. I'd go for just "denizens" on it's own, as the word "urban" kinda reminds me of tower blocks and such; while I understand the meaning of the word and it's context, it still pulled me out of the story.

The taxi can just get deleted, since she didn't take it anyway so that's inconsequential and removing it won't break the story. I always loved those kind of edits

Lastly the sentence which ends "as life in the city tends to inflict..." I'd probably change that to something like; "She wasn't old, but life in the city had aged her beyond her years."


Of course, I am just throwing ideas into the soup so feel free to ignore my croutons; I really liked the story and I do hope to see more of it down the line.