S Blake-Smy
Well-Known Member
So, here is the opening few paragraphs of my submission to United Agents recently. It is probably obvious why it may have been rejected, but the whole experience was one I learned a lot about myself from; so all is good in the end!
Anyway, I am actually still on my first draft of the entire book, so I am expecting glaring mistakes to exist; But Your input would be appreciated in the process.
Chapter One
'When all is said and done...'
At the very centre of a desiccated alien metropolis, surrounded by a circular road a hundred metres wide, is a dome. Its surface is ornately embossed with a baroque fractal pattern; strands upon strands of detailing that seem to bend around each other, suggesting dimensions within its design that shouldn't be possible upon a simple wall. Within this dome is a great hall containing a circle of pillars reaching between the ground and high ceiling, and at the centre of these is a plinth, upon which stands a crystalline shard.
Here, on the dusty ground before this shard, she lay. The quakes from the scorched, dying planet getting stronger as it swung further into the grasp of the singularity that was devouring the planetary system. Dust was thick in the air as with each tremor it was dislodged from the cracks and crags of the crumbling structure around her. She winced at the disturbance, and looked at the ground by her side; the blood from the wound was spreading out into a large pool, and although the dust was soaking some of it up, it was still very wet on the marble floor. She began to feel cold and very tired.
'So, how long now?', she asked.
The golden corona of the Intelligence's avatar surged a little as it turned and stepped back towards her, kneeling at her side. 'Not long', it said. 'The gravitational waves have already done too much damage to the structure of the planet, it will break apart long before it reaches the event horizon.'
'Sucks, doesn't it?!'
The Avatar frowned a little at the remark, 'Well yes, I suppose; although, I can think of far better adjectives to describe the process.'
As painful as it was, she couldn't help but laugh, 'No, I was being flippant. I meant, it's not fair'.
The Avatar nodded, 'Ahh, okay. Although fair doesn't come into it really, at the end of the day I was outsmarted and out-thought. It never occurred to me that a collapsed star would be flung at me as a means of attack. The situation as it stands is quite simple... I lost.'
She gasped as the muscles of her damaged stomach cramped suddenly, squeezing more blood out of the wound and making her feel for a moment like she was about to pass out, but she didn't; The cramp passed and the pain dulled into the background haze again. 'Damn it!', she took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.
'You need some distraction from the pain?', it asked.
'I could do with a strong drink; don't suppose you have a mini bar around here?'
The Avatar tilted its head slightly to the side and smiled, 'You fascinate me', it said to her.
'I feel so fulfilled for knowing that.'
'I mean, your whole species; you shouldn't be here. There is no reason for you to exist. And yet, you do.'
She laughed, 'Ta daa', and another shot of pain lanced outward from the wound. I have to stop doing that, she thought.
'You say that you evolved naturally from within the Manifold, the "Universe", but the Manifold is supposed to be barren and sterile; merely an area to enact the game. The constituent elements are there as resources for the players to devise ways of fighting and destroying, not to form something more... individual.'
'I suppose that may account for our lack of contact with alien life... despite our efforts.'
'Highly likely; though, that may have been a blessing as well. The participants in this "game" do not broadcast their location by default, for fear of an attack they are not prepared for. When you and your group found me I had already accepted defeat, but if I had come across your signals previously, I probably would have seen you as an opponent to attack and destroy. After seeing your level of technology, I doubt I would have looked further to notice what an anomaly you are', the Avatar said, ‘Or even cared.’
The ground rumbled heavily again from the titanic stresses wreaked on the world by the nearby behemoth, and in the distance they heard the crashing of rock and other material as the buildings of the city around them continued to fall to the broken ground. More dust fell from the ceiling and walls of the great hall, and a large crack appeared, rapidly climbing up the wall and across the ceiling high above.
She felt a pulling sensation along her body as if the floor was tilting slightly, and she grimaced as it caused a fresh stab of pain.
'Gravity has shifted slightly, do you feel it?' the Avatar asked her.
'Yeah, a little. I feel like I should be sliding towards the wall over there. Anyway, how many others are there in this "game" of yours?' she asked.
'Now there's a question. I am afraid I'm not sure of the correct answer to that. I myself have destroyed 346 participants during my time here.'
'Which is how long exactly?'
'Well, let me see; you measure time according to a revolution of your home planet around your star. Taking what I have learnt from you, I would say that my recollection stretches to a little fewer than seven billion, nine hundred thousand and fifteen of your years. Give or take a decade.'
She balked a little at that, ‘You’re kidding me, surely?’
‘No.’
She thought for a second, trying to imagine living to that age, but it was such a long time she found that it became just a really big number, ‘I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at that, if what you say is true about the ‘Manifold’. I’m still finding all these revelations a bit hard to grasp.’
The ground around them shifted again, dramatically, which caused the crack running up the wall to spread. The air was filled with dust again and a few more lumps of the structure fell away, crashing down to the floor around them. The Avatar looked up and sighed, 'Not long now...'.
Once the pain in her side had abated again, and she felt like she wouldn't pass out by merely breathing, she looked across at the strange glowing figure kneeling beside her, 'So.... I'm dying; you're dying.'
The Avatar smiled at her, 'Yes, I suppose we are, it's a strange feeling.'
'Strange? I'd say it’s a complete pain in the arse!' she replied
'That as well, yes, but rather profound… to end; to cease to be. A thought occurs to me when faced with... this prospect of death.'
Anyway, I am actually still on my first draft of the entire book, so I am expecting glaring mistakes to exist; But Your input would be appreciated in the process.
Chapter One
'When all is said and done...'
At the very centre of a desiccated alien metropolis, surrounded by a circular road a hundred metres wide, is a dome. Its surface is ornately embossed with a baroque fractal pattern; strands upon strands of detailing that seem to bend around each other, suggesting dimensions within its design that shouldn't be possible upon a simple wall. Within this dome is a great hall containing a circle of pillars reaching between the ground and high ceiling, and at the centre of these is a plinth, upon which stands a crystalline shard.
Here, on the dusty ground before this shard, she lay. The quakes from the scorched, dying planet getting stronger as it swung further into the grasp of the singularity that was devouring the planetary system. Dust was thick in the air as with each tremor it was dislodged from the cracks and crags of the crumbling structure around her. She winced at the disturbance, and looked at the ground by her side; the blood from the wound was spreading out into a large pool, and although the dust was soaking some of it up, it was still very wet on the marble floor. She began to feel cold and very tired.
'So, how long now?', she asked.
The golden corona of the Intelligence's avatar surged a little as it turned and stepped back towards her, kneeling at her side. 'Not long', it said. 'The gravitational waves have already done too much damage to the structure of the planet, it will break apart long before it reaches the event horizon.'
'Sucks, doesn't it?!'
The Avatar frowned a little at the remark, 'Well yes, I suppose; although, I can think of far better adjectives to describe the process.'
As painful as it was, she couldn't help but laugh, 'No, I was being flippant. I meant, it's not fair'.
The Avatar nodded, 'Ahh, okay. Although fair doesn't come into it really, at the end of the day I was outsmarted and out-thought. It never occurred to me that a collapsed star would be flung at me as a means of attack. The situation as it stands is quite simple... I lost.'
She gasped as the muscles of her damaged stomach cramped suddenly, squeezing more blood out of the wound and making her feel for a moment like she was about to pass out, but she didn't; The cramp passed and the pain dulled into the background haze again. 'Damn it!', she took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.
'You need some distraction from the pain?', it asked.
'I could do with a strong drink; don't suppose you have a mini bar around here?'
The Avatar tilted its head slightly to the side and smiled, 'You fascinate me', it said to her.
'I feel so fulfilled for knowing that.'
'I mean, your whole species; you shouldn't be here. There is no reason for you to exist. And yet, you do.'
She laughed, 'Ta daa', and another shot of pain lanced outward from the wound. I have to stop doing that, she thought.
'You say that you evolved naturally from within the Manifold, the "Universe", but the Manifold is supposed to be barren and sterile; merely an area to enact the game. The constituent elements are there as resources for the players to devise ways of fighting and destroying, not to form something more... individual.'
'I suppose that may account for our lack of contact with alien life... despite our efforts.'
'Highly likely; though, that may have been a blessing as well. The participants in this "game" do not broadcast their location by default, for fear of an attack they are not prepared for. When you and your group found me I had already accepted defeat, but if I had come across your signals previously, I probably would have seen you as an opponent to attack and destroy. After seeing your level of technology, I doubt I would have looked further to notice what an anomaly you are', the Avatar said, ‘Or even cared.’
The ground rumbled heavily again from the titanic stresses wreaked on the world by the nearby behemoth, and in the distance they heard the crashing of rock and other material as the buildings of the city around them continued to fall to the broken ground. More dust fell from the ceiling and walls of the great hall, and a large crack appeared, rapidly climbing up the wall and across the ceiling high above.
She felt a pulling sensation along her body as if the floor was tilting slightly, and she grimaced as it caused a fresh stab of pain.
'Gravity has shifted slightly, do you feel it?' the Avatar asked her.
'Yeah, a little. I feel like I should be sliding towards the wall over there. Anyway, how many others are there in this "game" of yours?' she asked.
'Now there's a question. I am afraid I'm not sure of the correct answer to that. I myself have destroyed 346 participants during my time here.'
'Which is how long exactly?'
'Well, let me see; you measure time according to a revolution of your home planet around your star. Taking what I have learnt from you, I would say that my recollection stretches to a little fewer than seven billion, nine hundred thousand and fifteen of your years. Give or take a decade.'
She balked a little at that, ‘You’re kidding me, surely?’
‘No.’
She thought for a second, trying to imagine living to that age, but it was such a long time she found that it became just a really big number, ‘I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at that, if what you say is true about the ‘Manifold’. I’m still finding all these revelations a bit hard to grasp.’
The ground around them shifted again, dramatically, which caused the crack running up the wall to spread. The air was filled with dust again and a few more lumps of the structure fell away, crashing down to the floor around them. The Avatar looked up and sighed, 'Not long now...'.
Once the pain in her side had abated again, and she felt like she wouldn't pass out by merely breathing, she looked across at the strange glowing figure kneeling beside her, 'So.... I'm dying; you're dying.'
The Avatar smiled at her, 'Yes, I suppose we are, it's a strange feeling.'
'Strange? I'd say it’s a complete pain in the arse!' she replied
'That as well, yes, but rather profound… to end; to cease to be. A thought occurs to me when faced with... this prospect of death.'
