Very rough short story intro [828 words]

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cyberpunkdreams

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I've just knocked this out in the last hour or so (although I've been mulling it over for a few days). Most of the rest of the story is written in my head. It's intended to be part of a collecting, all set in the same world (here's a link to the other piece I put up here, set in the same universe: Opening of an SF short story (998 words)). Feedback appreciated!


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Micky had the eight-wheeler jacked up again. These things are built to last, but we’d been running ours for a good, long while. One of the axls was acting up. You could run it like that for a while, but it wasn’t going to do you any good, long term. Besides, we weren’t in a hurry, and we could all do with a break after cruising the broken down blacktop for a day.

We’d just skirted the remains of Louisville and hit the I64. Going was slow; we’d had to cross and recross the Ohio. The sun was just about hitting the horizon. If it hadn’t been, Sugar might not have see the curl of black smoke standing out against all that heavenly glory.

She was sitting on the hood, bins glued to her face. She was wearing that look – intense focus. We called her “Sugar” because she had just about the vilest temper you could possibly imagine. Even in a good mood, she wasn’t exactly good company. But you run with what you’ve got.

The last member of our team was Salt. She was everything that Honey wasn’t – short, stumpy, but the sweetest girl you’ve ever met. So yeah, we had to call her Salt. Only trouble with her was that she’d have been butt ugly even without the birthmark. But like I say, you run with what you got. We weren’t exactly the hottest crew cruising the badlands, but I’d trust all three of them with my live. Had done in the past. Would do again.

So yeah, when Sugar fixed her bins on one spot on the horizon and kept them there, I figured something was up. Incoming, maybe? Dust cloud? She wasn’t the type just to say something. So I pulled my own out and tracked where she was looking. It took me a little while to find, but yeah, there it was. A fine column of black smoke, drifting on the wind. It looked fine from here, but it was a way distant. It’d be big, close up. It definitely wasn’t a brush fire, or just a vehicle. It could only really be a compound on fire.

I heard Salt walking up. I glanced over at her. She had a shovel over her shoulder; she always said he hated using the toilet in the truck when she didn’t have to. She asked what was up and I just handed her my binoculars. I didn’t really need to see how her expression changed to know what we were thinking. Same as what I was thinking.

The thing about being a scavenger crew is that you live basically on the edge. The pickings are thin this far east of the badlands, so you need to head deep. It starts to seem like a good idea to haul goods out to private compounds, corporate compounds, on your way out. Then those hauls start to be more than just a little extra cash. They’re what keeps you alive until your next big score. And the thing about those next big scores is that they hardly ever come. Not these days.

We had a crate strapped to our flatbed. About the shape and size of a coffin, but much heavier. It was the usual deal. None of us had a clue what was in there. None of us wanted to. It could be anything from the most seriously illegal genetic samples to ration packs – a decoy, in other words. It would pay the same, either way.

Micky had joined us now. Crawled out from under the truck, sensing that something was up. What we were all looking at was our easy money gone up in smoke. We were all good with directions and distances. We didn’t need to look at a map to know that all that black smoke was coming from our destination.

“So…” said Micky.

“We carry on,” said Sugar. Snapped more than said. That was her – cutting to the chase. We’d carry on, but we’d need to argue about it for a while first. She’d hate that, but that was how it was.

“You’re insane,” said Salt. “We don’t know what’s out there.”

“No, we don’t.” Sugar again. “That’s the point. We don’t know the place is blown. If they got raided, doesn’t mean they lost. Want to get hunted down by corporate mercs for not making a delivery?”

“Not really, but I don’t want to get ambushed by whoever did this either. Maybe this box we’re hauling the whole reason they’re out there?

“Yeah, maybe, in which case we’re dead anyway… but more likely it’s a coincidence. Even if the place is blown, we’ll be missing out on rich pickings.”

Back and forth like this for a while, but I don’t know why we bothered. Sugar always gets her way. Usually because she’s always right. The one concession that Salt got out of her was that we’d wait til morning.

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Hey cyberpunk :)

It's not a bad piece, not bad at all for a quick draft, and it has your conversational voice just like the other story you put up, not a bad start. Here are some of my thoughts...


"Axls" - Axels.


"One of the Axels was acting up, you couldn't run it like that for long without doing harm." - I would rephrase that sentence to something like this, this cuts a few words and tightens at the same time.

"She was sitting on the hood, bins glued to her face. Wearing that look - intense focus." - lose the second she was.

"She was everything Honey wasn't." - this small part confused me, are you comparing Salt to actual honey, or did you mean the other crew member Sugar?

"I heard Salt walking up." - Passive, instead "Salt walked up."

"What we were thinking." Instead - "What she was thinking. Same as what I was thinking.."

"The thing about being a scavenger..." - this part is the only bit that screams info-dump to me, needs cutting or bringing closer to the character.

"We had a crate strapped to our flatbed, about the shape and size of a coffin..." - I really like this part, this, for me, is where I would kick off the piece. Very intriguing.


Keep working at it Cyber, I enjoyed reading and would read on. These are just a few thoughts based on my style and what I like so remember to ignore when necessary as it's your piece.

v :)
 
Hey Vaz, thanks for the feedback! And no, we definitely don't want any cheeky rock singers hiding under our vehicles. ;)

Honey and Sugar are the same character. I changed the moniker half way through and obviously forgot to correct that. I'll take your other feedback on board. It all seems good, although I don't mind a little bit of passive voice myself, as long as it isn't overused. Agreed that the info-dump needs work.

I did try leading with the bit about what they're hauling, but I couldn't get it to flow from there. I get what you mean though. The other problem I've got is that I know the end but can't work out the middle... typical.
 
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*Facepalm* :D sorry, my bad on Axel.


No problem, always happy to give feedback. Im much the same regarding writing, the end is one of the first things I'll write but yes, the middle is always a bit of a muddle.

v :)
 
I like it. There's a clear character voice in the narrator and you impart a sense of place very quickly - a dusty, arid, empty roadscape.

I like the choppy style. I like short sentences. And crisp phrases. They sound cool.

What would I change?

You repeat words in adjoining phrases and sentences. For instance "These things are built to last, but we’d been running ours for a good, long while. One of the axls was acting up. You could run it like that for a while, but it wasn’t going to do you any good, long term." I'd prefer to see some variety in the phrasing. There's a few other examples. This may be deliberate, but it came across to me like this was a quick first draft and you hadn't bothered wordsmithing parts of it.

I love your first couple of sentences. Personally, I'd pull the Louisville line right up to the start, like so...

"Micky had the eight-wheeler jacked up again. These things are built to last, but we’d been running ours for a good, long while. We’d just skirted the remains of Louisville and hit the I64, but now one of the axls was acting up."

...because the remains of Louisville tells me a lot in one word. It immediately shifts me from a modern day or even recent history context into a world where something has happened to Louisville. Something dramatic enough that all that's left is "remains". That's powerful.

Finally - maybe accelerate the action a little. You can describe the characters later. Amp up the danger faster. They are broken down in the badlands but all seem pretty chilled about it. Maybe because they are an experienced crew, but it wouldn't hurt to have more of a sense of threat. Bring the pall of smoke in earlier, and the threat of corporate reprisal if they don't make the run. Then tell us about the personalities once we know what's at stake.

But overall, I really liked this.
 
Hey Martin, thanks for the feedback! I do try to be aware of repeated words as I write, but it's tough, especially with very common words such as those. You're right in that I've not gone over it at all yet (I've not even re-read it).

Leading with action over characters is something with which I always struggle. I get one wants to add some threat and tension early, but does the reader care if they don't know enough about the characters yet?

And poor old Louisville as well -- good points. It's intended to be a part of a collection, so the context should be clear from that, but it should also stand alone.

Thanks again!
 
Louisville's got whats coming to it!

Leading with action over characters is something with which I always struggle. I get one wants to add some threat and tension early, but does the reader care if they don't know enough about the characters yet?

The answer is to introduce threat and tension, and character, pretty much simultaneously. Jim Butcher holds up the start of Lethal Weapon 2 as a great example because while there's action straight away, the way the characters react establish who they are and introduce us to the character.

I am personally fine with the pace of it - although I think the threat level could easily be ramped up and know a lot of people would like that. What I do have a bugbear with is everything after this line:

“We carry on,” said Sugar. Snapped more than said. That was her – cutting to the chase. We’d carry on, but we’d need to argue about it for a while first. She’d hate that, but that was how it was.

Because you've told us how it all ends. The next 9 lines tell us nothing new. We don't even get the whole argument because you wrap it up. And I don't think their character shines through enough.

And most importantly, because you tell us how it ends, there's no conflict. And I do think this scene suffers from a lack of conflict.

But I did enjoy reading it and would read on :)

edit: p.s. Characters - point 3 is where Butcher talks about character introductions.
 
Thanks for the feedback! I get what you mean about that line with Sugar. That should be easy enough to change about. Thanks for that link too. I'll see if I can ramp up the pacing a little... ;)
 
Very impressive, well done. Really liked it, and was straight into the scene. A few small errors but nothing major.

"...but I’d trust all three of them with my (live)." *life*

"I didn’t really need to see how her expression changed to know what (we) were thinking." *she*

"Maybe this box we’re hauling() the whole reason they’re out there?" insert *is* or *'s* on end of hauling.
 
Hey, I won't go in to detail because I'm at work, but I liked this. Didn't skip or skim through anything and I was hooked till the end. I really like your MC's voice although in one instance I got a little annoyed when he kept saying, "Oh yeah."

Don't really have any other negatives apart from a few grammar and spelling issues here and there - understandable since this is rough. Perhaps my only actual complaint is that the MC is too passive? He doesn't really do much, or say much, and its all about him describing his crew's actions.

But its good, and I'd definitely read on!
 
Thank you! I get what you mean about the protagonist being passive; it's kind of deliberate, although he will become more active as the story goes on. I've always liked the slightly passive protagonist, who's just kind of observing and intervening now and then, but it mostly pulled along by events and the force of other characters' wills (not that it should be overused). There are a couple of William Gibson short stories that pull that of really well.
 
Hah!

The only reason I mentioned it is because the protagonist I'm writing is also quite passive, and like yours, is pulled along by other forces. I'm a little worried about that (in my own work) and have been editing to try and make him more active even though that sort of goes against the plot of the story.

Will definitely be giving William Gibson a read!
 
I think it's fine, personally. Things would be pretty boring if every protagonist was a dashing superhero ;). The two stories of which I'm specifically thinking are Burning Chrome and The Winter Market (both in the Burning Chrome anthology). I guess the protagonist in Zero History is similar in that respect too.
 
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