The Disconnect Re-write (post-apocalyptic)1501 Words

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John J. Falco
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I cut out all the infodump.

Disclaimer: I just looked it up and there is a real town of Millville California and it actually does exist. It has nothing whatsoever to do with this story. Any similarities to the real Millville are purely by chance as I've never been there myself. With it's population of 700 people I doubt it has a University ;)

Chapter One: Bricked
“Spam?” Daphne muttered to herself as she overheard the conversation two teenagers were having. The old rickety bus that she was on seemed to be moving at a snail’s pace through the town of Millville California and she couldn’t help but overhear what the high school students were talking about.

She thought long and hard about that word, but it had been awhile since she had heard it. “Spam was a key player in The Disconnect right?” The boy asked his friend.

“That’s what I heard, but written information is lacking on the subject and it’s killing my paper’s reputation. There’s hardly any hard copies of studies about spam on the internet in the early part of this century. It’s almost like we as a society, were scared to talk about it.”

“Do you think deep down that they knew, that it was only a matter of time?”

“Doubt it—.” The growing high-pitched ringing in her ears indicated that she was close to the University and it helped her tune out the ignorant conversation the two teenagers next to her were having about the supposed origins of the Disconnect. If only they knew… she muttered to herself as she heard a ding throughout the bus indicating the next stop was close.

She then, saw the familiar look of the University parking lot from the rusty half-shut windows on the bus, its sidewalks lined with the many bricks that had been abandoned by their users. The conversations suddenly stopped as the passengers all stared out of their windows in wonder and fear.

Daphne Perry picked up her purse and straightened out her skirt as she read the red bold sign in the center of the bus’s ceiling. MAT University. As if that wasn’t enough of a reminder the bus driver called out, “Millville Anti-Tech University. Stop 42.”

As she moved through the bus she tried her hardest to keep a straight face as the passengers stared at her. She heard one of the boys say, “Who in their right minds would want to work there?”

The bus driver grabbed onto her purse as she neared the doors, and breathed heavily as he warned, “A nice girl like you shouldn’t be working there. Despite its name, I know what goes on there. Please be careful.”

“Good Day, Albert,” Daphne smiled and winked at the older pudgy black man as he shook his head. “I’ll be fine.”

As she stepped off the bus into the morning sunlight she carefully dodged, one of storm drains that had been clogged with the bricks that so mesmerized the passengers, but Daphne knew the exact amount of exposure her body could take without side effects. It was only a few hundred feet until she was safely inside the University’s quarantine area anyway, and then she would be perfectly safe. The route to this job may be counter to her healthy-living lifestyle but nothing in this world made sense anymore. Why should her walk to work be any different?

She moved forward, and as far as she was from the cursed devices, her lanky body shook frantically as she tried and failed not to get too close. As she rounded the corner, she swung her back against one of the university columns in order to catch her breath. As she rested, the permanent after-taste that was left by being in proximity to the radioactive bricks felt like some type of rough coating on her teeth. This left a bad metallic taste in her mouth, forever linking her to and reminding her of the horrors of The Disconnect.

Something bothered her about the residue that was now dripping off of her fingertips. The greasy substance that oozed out of her pores felt more like tinfoil than anything else. The ringing in her ears had become more like a wail now, but she knew it would all be over once she planted both feet squarely into the designated safe zone.

The entrance of the University had rows and rows of columns that were covered by a thin protective cast iron shielding that protected all students and staff. Daphne traced her finger along the shield until she found herself tracing the letters: Veeron Technologies.

The safe zone was marked by clear blue tape stretched across trees and other objects that were nailed down. She moved the tape over her head and as she stepped into the zone, the wailing had stopped, her skin had been rejuvenated and her mouth was automatically freshened.

As an ex-techie, she doubted the government’s anti-tech re-training regime that she had been put on by the University Doctor was working as well as it actually was. Yet, being up close and personal to these devices as often as she was. It didn’t surprise her that she didn’t feel 100% better since starting the research program.

She knew it was illogical to be afraid of interconnected devices as her job was supposed to be a big help to the government by tracking any anomalies left over from The Disconnect, but she still had to maintain a safe distance away from the devices, just as much as anyone. This type of dilemma was only maximized by the sheer number of devices that had been purposely left on the large campus.

As her reflection looked up at her, and she saw her long bangs dangling just past her bushy eyebrows from a thousand government mandated different angles. She felt a lump in her throat and neck got tight when she walked past the bricks and maneuvered her way around them. The safe places only helped with the physical effects that the devices had on users. The heightened paranoia and other mental effects did not simply melt away, once she or anyone else for that matter, was in a safe place.

She squinted from the glare of the screens that she used to know so well, and tried to lean in closer. Some of the rumors that were going around the telegraph system were quite ridiculous. Yet, the mad scientist in her wanted confirmation. She was still somewhat curious to see what would happen if she got too close or even if she touched one of them. Would the brick turn on? Would her brains explode from the exposure? No one knew.

She knew that it was impossible to do, but she still longed to look into that black abyss and then see that fare glow of comfort, just to know everything’s alright. Even after all these years, she couldn’t shake that feeling of connectedness, the longing to share everything that was going on with her life to friends, family, and colleagues. Really though, she only wanted to tap, to share, to zoom, to flick, to post, but she knew she couldn’t. There was nothing there.

As she looked back at Albert’s bus which seemed to be speeding away at a never seen before lightning pace, a loud screech interrupted whatever thought she was trying to think. She briskly walked through the column of trees that lined the university walkway into the main campus, and in the opening a frantic crowd had gathered.

College kids were yelling in all different directions as she noticed the spread out pile of bricks on the grass hooked up to some type of charging station. She had heard of hobbyists who had linked together bricks in order to access old-time pictures, apps, or games. She always thought those stories were myths, but then she saw the unmistakable flickering glow of a screen reflecting off the wild-eyed face of the head of the Dean of the School of Sociology and History. “Somebody help him, take that brick away from him.”

When the flickering stopped others were quick to point it out, “What happened?”

“IT DIDN’T WORK!” The professor yelled in frustration.

Daphne had overheard someone explaining it, “He rigged it, then he just turned it on, but it zapped him out. He’s fried and the brick is back to normal.”

“Oh crap, I’ve heard about this, but I wouldn’t even try it on my worst enemy. Why would he do something stupid like try to turn on a brick of all things!”

“He knows the high, is extremely dangerous right?” One girl giggled, “It’s like Meth times one hundred.”

“OK everyone backup, and someone call the authorities,” Daphne had made her way through the crowd in all the commotion and noticed that the man who they were talking about was the Professor Harry Trudge.

“It’s NOT working!” Harry had a manic look in his face, and his usual calm boyish look had vanished. His sleek black hair was frizzled beyond recognition, and his pudgy body was visibly vibrating, “Why isn’t it working, Daphne?! I was sure it would!”

She spotted Carl Franks on the other edge of the circle of students trying to calm people down, she knew the philosophy professor would be able to explain things clearer to her, “What happened Carl?”
 
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The opening is still very much an infodump - the first few paragraphs are about the character overhearing other people explain things.

You've also got a problem in that Daphne is entirely reactive, which makes her come across as passive and underdeveloped - she's doesn't come across as particularly driven by anything.

You also keep trying to objectively describe her, which grates with close third POV use.
 
I'm sorry, but this is overwritten and confusing. I read your whole piece which described Daphne taking a bus ride to the university and an accident involving radioactive bricks.
There is a saying that you should start a story, or dialogue, as late as possible. If that means all you have left are a few sentences then you have to rethink your story.

As she rested, the permanent after-taste that was left by being in proximity to the radioactive bricks felt like some type of rough coating on her teeth. This left a bad metallic taste in her mouth, forever linking her to and reminding her of the horrors of The Disconnect.

The metallic taste a permanent reminder of the horrors of The Disconnect.

Yet, the mad scientist in her wanted confirmation. She was still somewhat curious to see what would happen if she got too close or even if she touched one of them. Would the brick turn on? Would her brains explode from the exposure? No one knew.

This sound ridiculous.

You obviously have an imaginative story to tell, but at the moment it is let down by your writing.
 
Found quite a few aspects of this confusing. Why would they leave radioactive bricks around in proximity to students? And cast iron wouldn't provide protection - you'd need lead shielding for that.

You have some odd punctuation which cuts sentences in half so that they don't make sense e.g. Yet, being up close and personal to these devices as often as she was. It didn’t surprise her that she didn’t feel 100% better since starting the research program.

Odd viewpoint also - omniscient as in 'As an ex-techie, she doubted the government’s anti-tech re-training regime that she had been put on by the University Doctor was working as well as it actually was.' So she as a character doubts but you tell us in omniscient viewpoint that it really is working well? Anyway, that came over confusing I'm afraid. And quite a few of the sentences are unnecessarily long and convoluted so that all impact is taken out of the meaning.

Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh :(
 
It's OK that this is harsh feedback. It's in very preliminary stages at the moment. Where I basically just threw this together without thinking it over. I thought long and hard about what you guys said, and it looks like I have to rethink the premise. I may not come back with a new beginning for awhile, but on the plus side there is a long weekend coming up!
 
It's OK that this is harsh feedback. It's in very preliminary stages at the moment. Where I basically just threw this together without thinking it over. I thought long and hard about what you guys said, and it looks like I have to rethink the premise. I may not come back with a new beginning for awhile, but on the plus side there is a long weekend coming up!

My suggestion would be to look at how other modern authors compose and describe people and situations.

For example, in your piece, look at the paragraphs. You have many with the same opening word and of a similar length. For the reader this can become tedious as the writing has a monotonous cadence. One very simple task is to vary the length of the paragraphs and sentences so that the reading pace varies and highlights important information.

The fact you have the courage to post your work shows your determination to improve, and improvement always follows practice.
 
I found this to be interesting; compelling; confusing and often frustrating.
I read this through to the end twice before even starting to comment ( I always do).
I would not go so far as to suggest you read up on how other people are writing about this subject.
More so; I would just suggest you look at your sentence structure and also examine what it is you are try to not tell the reader so much that you dance around the subject. I'll give you an example.

As she stepped off the bus into the morning sunlight she carefully dodged, one of storm drains that had been clogged with the bricks that so mesmerized the passengers, but Daphne knew the exact amount of exposure her body could take without side effects. It was only a few hundred feet until she was safely inside the University’s quarantine area anyway, and then she would be perfectly safe. The route to this job may be counter to her healthy-living lifestyle but nothing in this world made sense anymore. Why should her walk to work be any different?

At first I thought the comma at dodge was misplaced because I thought ... she stepped off the bus into the morning sunlight, she carefully dodged one of the storm drains....

But then I realized that might not be right and by some general rules of punctuation I decide maybe... she stepped off the bus into the morning sunlight she carefully dodged, but Daphne knew the exact amount of exposure her body could take without side effects... But what's wrong with exposure to sunlight that she tries to dodge it.

Then I realized, no: the sentence might be correctly punctuated and she might be avoiding the drain and the bricks... But since I don't understand bricks in the same way you use them here--think bricks from a crumbling building that have log-jammed into a drain. Also at this point the sentence structure begins to appear to dissolve in my mind because I'm not certain what she is dodging to avoid exposure to. [Though it appears to clear up as we begin to suspect that the bricks might be tablets; phones; or hybrids; there is some deliberate subterfuge created by the use of the word brick as though we want to keep the truth of what is there a secret that only a few might share.]

This and the remainder of the sentence position me with some others in a desire to know why someone would allow such a virtual minefield to remain around an active area where people work and if I worked there I'd wonder for the hundredth time why they have not been removed. I also would be asking for a has-mat suit to wear for my journey in and possible even try to use it and do a bit of cleanup of my own.(...but that's just me.)

While it is intriguing to use different terms, you might want to subtly identify the bricks before you start throwing them around; therein defining your term for the reader so it's clear what she's avoiding while she avoids it and not somewhere at the bottom of the page where the reader, already frustrated, has discarded the entire paragraph as lacking any sense of form and proper punctuation.

Charles Stross seems to get away with something similar to this in his techno-babel; for example the first pages of Accelerando are full of non-sense littered in possibly made up terminologies that might sound cool but seem only to add to the mood or flavor of the story while having no real bearing on the plot or character development. For some readers, these become throwaways and with that in mind any plot or character development surrounding the impact area are possible collateral damage when the reader discards it all from his mind.

With that in mind:
Though I came away with a somewhat firm notion of what bricks might mean by the end of the whole piece, had I not reread the piece then the part my mind threw away would be lost; meaning that I had completely edit-deleted that paragraph from your manuscript.

Once again: I'm easily confused, so keep that in mind; maybe other readers will experience more clarity.
 
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I found this to be interesting; compelling; confusing and often frustrating.
I read this through to the end twice before even starting to comment ( I always do).

1. At first I thought the comma at dodge was misplaced

2. [Though it appears to clear up as we begin to suspect that the bricks might be tablets; phones; or hybrids; there is some deliberate subterfuge created by the use of the word brick as though we want to keep the truth of what is there a secret that only a few might share.]

3. This and the remainder of the sentence position me with some others in a desire to know why someone would allow such a virtual minefield to remain around an active area where people work and if I worked there I'd wonder for the hundredth time why they have not been removed. I also would be asking for a has-mat suit to wear for my journey in and possible even try to use it and do a bit of cleanup of my own.(...but that's just me.)

4.While it is intriguing to use different terms, you might want to subtly identify the bricks before you start throwing them around; therein defining your term for the reader so it's clear what she's avoiding while she avoids it and not somewhere at the bottom of the page where the reader, already frustrated, has discarded the entire paragraph as lacking any sense of form and proper punctuation.

Thank you for taking the time to write that up @tinkerdan. I wanted to address some points that you brought up

1. Your first thought was the right one. haha but I enjoyed reading your thought process anyways.
2. In the modern tech world on blogs, news sites and forums (if you follow this) A phone is bricked when your phone won't turn on in any way, shape or form, and there's nothing you can do to fix it. It's actually a modern form of techno-babble that I adapted into the story because these devices are now as useless as bricks. So people call them bricks.
3. This brings me to this point. Now, I could be wrong, but in most relatively apocalyptic settings you see old, beat-up, rusty, and abandoned cars lining the streets, or pillaged stores left dirty and uncleaned. I considered the fact that phones are more popular than cars these days and it's almost like a rite of passage to be able to obtain one. There are so many of them out there as well that they are in a sense like the penny of the internet of things. As this story is about the downfall of society because of our dependence on these things. I thought it would be a good idea if in time most of society just left their phones without caring where they fell. I mean most people these days, probably wouldn't pick up a penny off the street. I wouldn't pick up cracked phone either. Let alone a radioactive one that could zap me.
4. In a re-write I will attempt to try to explain what the bricks are better. I think if I move some things around and maybe, move her walk to the bus towards the end of the chapter after the experiment gone would work better.

Thanks again for trying to decipher what is the first of many drafts, I am sure.
 
Just as I thought and yet; well , I just should have guessed this; but I obviously don't keep up with some forums.

2. In the modern tech world on blogs, news sites and forums (if you follow this) A phone is bricked when your phone won't turn on in any way, shape or form, and there's nothing you can do to fix it. It's actually a modern form of techno-babble that I adapted into the story because these devices are now as useless as bricks. So people call them bricks.
Anyway this is similar to some things I've seen where I work.

We make custom electronic devices sometimes for customers who have budgets that they need to flush out at the end of a fiscal year, so they can be recharged properly without some sort of penalty for having not used the previous years budget and often this is at the end of the year where they flood us with orders (that sometimes can't all be filled before January) and they all need them before January or that money will cause them grief and they can't pay us until they have at least some facsimile of the product in their hand so we send housing with all the external parts attached which looks just like the final product but contains no electronics.

That's what we call a box of rocks.

So I suppose a brick might be apropos; though really I'd call that a paperweight and since your future society seems to have gone backwards a bit there must be a greater use of reams and reams of paper.
 
Just as I thought and yet; well , I just should have guessed this; but I obviously don't keep up with some forums.


Anyway this is similar to some things I've seen where I work.

We make custom electronic devices sometimes for customers who have budgets that they need to flush out at the end of a fiscal year, so they can be recharged properly without some sort of penalty for having not used the previous years budget and often this is at the end of the year where they flood us with orders (that sometimes can't all be filled before January) and they all need them before January or that money will cause them grief and they can't pay us until they have at least some facsimile of the product in their hand so we send housing with all the external parts attached which looks just like the final product but contains no electronics.

That's what we call a box of rocks.

So I suppose a brick might be apropos; though really I'd call that a paperweight and since your future society seems to have gone backwards a bit there must be a greater use of reams and reams of paper.

Yeah, I've definitely heard of what you guys do. Box of Rocks, Paperweight are all good terms other regions could use if Daphne ever visits another region or comes upon another group, like how in the walking dead, every group has a different term for Zombies and no one says Zombies. Sort of like that, but I haven't even thought that far out yet.
 
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