Christmas Story.

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Susan Boulton

The storyteller
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Started this, but not sure if it has enough going for it to make the effort and finish it. (It fits in with a number of stories I have written and planned set between 1900 and 1969. All with a supernatural edge to them.)

Christmas Story.

Mary put the form into her typewriter carefully, and made sure it was straight. She then pushed the carriage to the left and began typing.

Incident Officer’s Record Sheet No. 3: Last night had been a busy one.

First report made by: Senior Warden Sector Post E 7: Her boss.

Position and time of Occurrence…. The raid had begun about 9 ‘o’clock. Mary’s ears still hummed from the lingering noise of the previous night. The thump, thump, rattle of the bombs outside and the constant voices inside the underground station. She had tried to block the noise and the fear with keeping busy. Holburn.22.00 21.12.40.

No of incoming messages 3. All the teams were out last night. Things had got really sticky as the raid progressed, but it was procedure to list the messages as they came in.

From whom received, Leader Allen: He lived on Green Street. Mary hoped it was the north end. The south got it rough.

Purport of Message and Record of I.O’s and other Reports. Marsh St partly blocked, people reported under demolished air raid shelter. One casualty (female child) removed to Hosp. 12 dwelling houses demolished. Two bodies awaiting removal to Mortuary. Number of people trapped in wreckage. Was it anybody she knew? Mary’s mouth felt dry. She pushed the typewriter carriage back…

“Mary. How are the reports going?”

She looked up. It was Leader Allen.

“Nearly done, sir. I thought you had gone home?”

“I had. Had a few hours’ kip, but lots to do.”

Few hours’ kip. It told Mary that his wife, Agnes and their two boys were alright. Their house was alright. The breath she didn’t realise she had been holding escaped in a long sigh.

“Yes, sir.” Mary said and pulled the completed Incident Officer’s report sheet from her typewriter and placed it carefully down with its predecessors.

“Close to tea time. Can you make a few extra this afternoon? Got some civilians that have given us a hand, need feeding and watering before I send them on their way. Oh and Mary, Agnes sent these over.” He placed a parcel wrapped in newspaper on the edge of her desk. “Her final contributions to your, project.” He gave her a broad wink. As he did, Mary noticed that there still was a grey ring of dust round his eyes. It increased the depths of the wrinkles across his forehead. No. It wasn’t the dirt that had increased them. It was what he had seen last night, and the night before and countless nights since last September, when it has all started.

“Of course, sir.” She rose from her desk and made her way into the small kitchen at the rear of the office, taking the parcel with her. She knew what it contained. Babies’ bootees and mittens. Agnes was a superb knitter. Mary was glad she had plucked up the courage to ask her. Mary had been lost as to what to give the babies. Yes, she had put small balls of wool in with the French knitters, made from cotton reels and four well placed nails. But there had been so many odd half balls of wool for a while Mary had despaired at what to do with them. In fact not much had gone to waste, she had been able to make do and mend most of what was left after her parents, two brothers and sister had picked their way through Aunt Maude’s house.

“How many extra?” she asked Vera, who was already in the kitchen adding another doorstep sandwich to the pile on the plate.

“Five, no six, I think. God I smell like a pilchard.” She licked tomato sauce off her left pinkie, and reached out for another tin of fish.

“Better in tomato, than oil.” Mary said with a laugh.

“Much better.” Vera agreed. “Them the last of the knitting?”

“Yes.” Mary said and began to lay out a row of tin mugs.

“Joe’s got you some coloured pencils.” Vera said in a half whisper and pointed under the table.

“How did he?” Mary frowned.

“Smiths copped it. Front blown out.” Vera mouthed.

“I don’t think…” Mary looked behind her, expecting to see Leader Allen. Looting was a serious thing.

“Course you can, buggers are a burnt a bit and blackened, but you can cut them down. Besides, they would have been shovelled up with the rest of the shop front anyway.”

“Alright, if I have time.” Mary replied. She was fast running out of that. It was the 21st December today. The Christmas parties for the children in Holburn and Russell Square underground stations was planned for the evening of the 24th. The underground staff had agreed to put the gifts in the ticket offices and Mary had been adding to the stash each night. But there was still more to do and Leader Allen had been very good, but, she needed everything done and there by tomorrow night. Whatever had possessed her to give as many of the children as she could a small present. Where had the idea come from? But actually it hadn’t quite started out about Christmas and presents.

#

It had started out with Aunt Maude declaring that Hitler would be the death of her. He hadn’t. Two days before the first raid on London last September, Aunt Maude had gotten into an argument with a clippie on the Number 9 bus. Having won the heated discussion and sat down, Aunt Maude had had a massive stroke and passed away before the bus reached the end of the Street. This had left Mary’s father with the task of not only arranging his elder sister’s funeral, but having to clear out her two up two down terrace house within five days, else her landlord would be demanding another week’s rent.

This task was easier said than done. Aunt Maude had not thrown anything away since the 7th July 1916, when she had heard that her husband, Tom, had gone over then top on the Somme on the 1st and had never been seen again.

Mary’s mother had claimed Maude’s best china, linen and extra-large tin bath. Mary’s sisters-in-law had divided the contents of the front room, between them and Maude’s brass bed had replaced the wooden one owned by her sister. Still this left everything from old newspapers to forty years of beer bottles stuffed into every corner. The beer bottles were taken back to the off-licence and the pennies pocketed. Everything that could be sold for the benefit of the family of course, or recycled for the war effort was duly done.

It was while sorting out the mounds of fabric packed between layers of coloured crape paper, Mary found something that would start her project.

“Father Christmas?”

“Pardon, dear,” her mother asked as she heaved a box full of newspaper to one side.

“This.” Mary held up the piece of cross-stitch embroidery. It was old, the edges a tangle of loose threads. The mass of small crosses which made up the red-cheeked face of Father Christmas, complete with a red hood trimmed with white fur were faded, except for the metallic blue thread that depicted his eyes. This was bright and indeed, Mary thought for a second, it twinkled as she looked at it.

Her mother looked over Mary’s shoulder, “Goodness, I remember Maude sewing that at school when we were children. She put it up above the fireplace every year. “Mary’s mother’s nose wrinkled. “It stinks of smoke and look at the stains. I don’t think it will wash. The embroidery threads will run. Maybe we can unpick it and wash the thread, it might come in useful.” She tried to sound positive, but the state of the house and the amount of clutter, even in this time of austerity and make do and mend had worn out her patience.

For a second it seemed to Mary that the face of Father Christmas frowned. Mary blinked. No it hadn’t. She sighed, pity. She began to lay it aside. This coming Christmas was set to be a bleak one. With the bombing getting worse each night. All the talk of invasion. Mary had seen the fear in the eyes of her small nieces and nephews. They didn’t understand what was going on, but they knew the adults around them were frightened, so they were frightened more. Besides, they, like many children were not going to get much in their stockings this year, due to rationing and the lack of spare pennies in everyone’s pocket.

Mary made to lay the embroidery aside. Then stopped. Looked hard at the face of Father Christmas and said and to this day she had no idea why she did so. “Presents!”

“Mary?” her mother questioned.

“I could make presents.” Mary said.

“For whom and out of what?”
 
I am typing this as I read, so forgive my lack of structure.

The entry paragraph need a bit more meat to it to give the scene more starting shape than this. Several of your paragraphs and intermissions are like that. Somewhat ascetic in what they give, and it is not a bad thing per se, but it does need a bit more detail to make it more vivid.
This one is good.
“Close to tea time. Can you make a few extra this afternoon? Got some civilians that have given us a hand, need feeding and watering before I send them on their way. Oh and Mary, Agnes sent these over.” He placed a parcel wrapped in newspaper on the edge of her desk. “Her final contributions to your, project.” He gave her a broad wink. As he did, Mary noticed that there still was a grey ring of dust round his eyes. It increased the depths of the wrinkles across his forehead. No. It wasn’t the dirt that had increased them. It was what he had seen last night, and the night before and countless nights since last September, when it has all started.
This is not.
She looked up. It was Leader Allen.

I think you need to format the part which mentions what is on the sheet and mixes with thoughts differently. Despite the italics, it is a bit confusing.

There are some missing punctuation as well. You miss a comma here and there and there are some other grammar issues as well.
E.g. "God I smell like a pilchard." (comma after God)
E.g. "The Christmas parties for the children in Holburn and Russell Square underground stations was planned for the evening of the 24th." (parties...was)
E.g. "But there was still more to do and Leader Allen had been very good, but, she needed everything done and there by tomorrow night." (a run-on-sentence which is a bit redundant)
E.g. "Mary’s sisters-in-law had divided the contents of the front room, between them and Maude’s brass bed had replaced the wooden one owned by her sister." (extra comma after room)

As you pointed out, this is unfinished and thus lacking in the punch it needs. It is setting up to be a heartwarming story, no doubt, but I didn't really get all that much in this sample to sympathize with the effort. I think you need to show the bleakness of their life a bit more directly to enhance the effect Mary's efforts will have rather than have it as commentary.

Your writing's flow is not bad, but sometimes, some sentences can throw one off from the ride. (e.g. No it hadn’t. She sighed, pity.) It needs to be a bit smoother and you need to deal with the comma and formatting issues to fix the flaws.

And that's it from me. I wish you much luck in your further endeavors in writing.
 
Hi Susan! I enjoyed reading this, it had a wonderful 1940s vibe about it. :)

A couple of things to watch for.

Try to differentiate between Mary's thoughts and the narrative voice by using italics, or a thought tag, when she is thinking. It just makes things a bit clearer for the reader. Personally, I prefer using italics but others prefer thought tags, it's really up to each individual writer which they chose to use. There's a little bit of confusion between her individual thoughts and the descriptive elements of the story. Also watch out where you place the colons.

() = insert
[] = remove

Mary put the form into her typewriter[,](.) (Taking) care[fully, and made] (to make) sure it was straight[.](,) [She](she) [then] pushed the carriage to the left and began typing.

Incident Officer’s Record Sheet No. 3:
Last night had been a busy one. *I'm not sure if the second sentence here is Mary filling in the form or just her thoughts about what happened last night. If it was the latter it should probably be on a separate line from the the form heading.*

Incident Officer's Record Sheet No. 3:

Last night had been a busy one, she thought, remembering the terrible noise caused by all of those exploding bombs. *Just an example.*


First report made by: Senior Warden Sector Post E 7[:] (.) Her boss. *As above, the same applies here. Also, remove the colon after E7 and replace with a full stop. If she is actually reading the form heading then put a question mark on the end.*

First report made by? Senior Warden Sector Post E 7.

Her boss.

Just a couple of examples to keep in mind. :)
 
An evocative piece that captures the wartime mood. However, as it stands, it is a little pedestrian (IMO). For example, the conversation between Mary and Vera.

Mary put the form into her typewriter carefully, and made sure it was straight. She then pushed the carriage to the left and began typing.
Mary’s ears still hummed from the lingering noise of the previous night. The thump, thump, rattle of the bombs outside and the constant voices inside the underground station. She had tried to block the noise and the fear with keeping busy

Why not combine these to add impact to your opening line and bring the reader into Mary's world.

She looked up. It was Leader Allen.

She looked up. Leader Allen looked down, his tired eyes ringed with dust.

This task was easier said than done. Aunt Maude had not thrown anything away since the 7th July 1916, when she had heard that her husband, Tom, had gone over then top on the Somme on the 1st and had never been seen again.

I liked this. It adds tone and depth.

few hours’ kip

Do you need the apostrophe?

Wartime and supernatural = Excellent idea.
 
Sorry for not getting back sooner. Real life has gotten in the way a lot recently.
Thank you all the time you spent reading and commenting on this piece. A lot to think on and a lot of work to do. Still not sure if it is worth the effort of finishing and polishing, still might give it a go and get it ready for the market next year.
Pam, I should know that, I used one for years, but it was so long ago....
 
Apologies for being late to the party -

I don't like the opening with the juxtaposition of report and thought as it feels a bit info dumpy. Maybe that's something that would change with polish.

Beyond that, as ever, I enjoy reading your prose but I'm not sure I'm hooked by the story. It doesn't really feel like there's a challenge facing Mary at that point. Not sure I'm unhooked either though.
 
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