The Last Heroes of Old Earth - short story opening

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MWagner

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As was their custom, the last heroes of old earth gathered at the Citadel of the Dawn on the tenth summer solstice. Minerva arrived first, leaving her chariot at the base of the mountain and walking up the five hundred steps to the terrace to await the others. Next came Hamilcar, leading a retinue of a dozen men-at-arms clad in steel mail and riding matching blue horses. Later in the afternoon, Goldry careened across the plains in a chariot pulled by a pair of great hounds, his whoops and yells carrying up to the citadel and drawing a smile from Minerva. And when the sun slipped behind the mountains to the west, and a half-moon rose over the darkening plain, Neith emerged from shadows to bound up the stairs two at a time, bow slung on her nut-brown back. None noticed when or how Rostam the Demon-slayer arrived, for he moved silent as a firefly and had not spoken a word in decades.

Five. The number left Minerva bereft, as if an ink pot had gone dry. When they last met here ten years ago, they were twenty-one. The time before that, before Caradoc went mad, almost a hundred heroes of the age had feasted and made sport in these halls. Now five. Surely this would be the last assembly.

She was gladdened, however, to see Goldry. They had been lovers almost a century past. Minerva recalled the months spent racing chariots and making love in his castle at Tumbling Water. A happy time. It was Goldry who built the fire now, tossing logs into the great hearth until the blaze cast dancing shadows on the walls of the feasting hall. And after they ate the oat cakes and smoked fish Hamilcar had brought, and opened an amphora of wine, it was Goldry who took a worn harp out of its bag and played. He played sprightly tunes, the kind to make you rise up from your seat and dance a rondet, dizzy with the merriment of it all.

On this evening, nobody danced. The music could not chase away the melancholy of the hall, which had once been alive with dancing and carousing until the sun rose. Hamilcar tapped a toe, and Minerva smiled at Goldry in encouragement. That was all. Neith stood aloof at a window, watching the moonlit landscape below. Rostam peered into the fire and mused on whatever ghosts still stirred in his ancient mind.

When Goldry finished a song and was filling his goblet, Neith stepped away from the window and spoke.

“The beastmen will come. Not tomorrow - I saw none within a dozen miles of here. But they will come. And when they do, it will be in numbers greater than last time.” She regarded the others as though she expected them to gainsay her.

Minerva sighed. She had hoped they could pass at least this one night in peace. Leave the grim counsels until the morrow. Yet she was not surprised at the other woman’s anger. Neith was the last living hero of the Verdant Realm. Parsifal and the Green Pearl had fallen when the beastmen set the forest aflame with their cruel machines two years ago.

“The mountain itself is indefensible,” said Hamilcar. “At the last assembly, the beastmen surged up the slopes and breached the entrance to the citadel. And we were twenty-one of us then. We must defend the citadel only.” He set his elbows on the table. “I’ve seen the machines they employ now, that they’ve dug out of the vaults Caradoc revealed to them, curse his bones. They can scour a hillside clean in an hour. And there are more beastmen every year, spawned in their villages of logs and smoke. Last autumn they nearly overran my fortress of Eryx before my retainers and I drove them off.”

“Bah, I have no such problems,” said Goldry. “There is not a beastman within two days ride of Tumbling Water. I’ve told you not to let them breed and multiply, Hamilcar. I ride out in my chariot every fortnight and hunt them for sport. You may visit any time it pleases, and I will feast and entertain you until you are sated with all the good things in this world. But keep your beastman retainers at Eryx. Though they quarter down in the stables, I can smell the ones you brought from here.”

Such words would provoke a hot response from most heroes, thought Minerva. Even blows. However, Hamilcar was not easily roused to anger, his lean face rarely betrayed his feelings. And Goldry’s candour had no malice behind it.

He had nettled Hamilcar, though. “I do not have the great hounds your mother bred for you, Goldry. Nor the high mountains to shield me. I must look to my security with cunning and resourcefulness. These retainers of mine are as loyal as your hounds, and a good deal more intelligent. If properly selected and trained, given discipline and nourishing food, beastmen can make useful servants.”

“You sound like Caradoc!” spat Neith. “Clothe them. Feed them. Teach them. They learned all right. They learned how to use the accursed machines Caradoc uncovered in the vaults. Those machines that turned the Verdant Realm to cinders, and left the bones of our comrades black and charred.” Neith had never been cheerful, thought Minerva. A solitary creature more at home under a leafy canopy than in a feasting hall. Now she was like an owl whose nest has been destroyed, eggs smashed.

“I do not let any machines into Eryx,” averred Hamilcar. “My retainers use blades and armour of iron. And not the heirloom arms I keep in my hall, but crude stuff made by their own hands. Though you would marvel to see how clever they can be with their hands if given time to learn.” Neith cast him a black look, and he raised his hands. “I am not Caradoc. Do not insult me with that aspersion. He was mad. Not only did he teach the beastmen, he turned them against his own brethren. Do you think I am a monster like he?”

“No,” said Minerva. “You are not a monster, Hamilcar. You have always been among the cleverest of us, and the most concerned for the welfare of all. You have stayed in a region which others abandoned to find refuge in forests, mountains, or haunted ruins. That means you have more contact with the beastmen than we do. We value and need your counsel.”

Hamilcar nodded to acknowledge her words, and stroked his jaw. Logs popped as the fire died down. Goldry strode over and nudged them back to life with his foot.

“Let us finish this amphora of good wine,” said Minerva. “And drink another when it is done. I’d like to see the sunrise from the terrace of this citadel once again.”
 
It threw me a little having Minerva as a male. Also, this really reminds me a lot of the opening to Stargate by Pauline Gedge - not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

However, the text is strong, with nice detail thrown in where required. There's not much I feel I can add by way of criticism here. Again, not sure if that's a good or bad thing. :)
 
Interesting - Minerva is a woman in the story! Can you show me where you got the impression she was a he, Brian? I must have an ambiguous attribution in there somewhere.
 
I'm not sure what you are looking for--I'm not going to worry about grammar and such; but I'll dwell on execution and what it does or doesn't do for me.

I liked this.

However, as usual I was confused a bit; though I think that the dozen men-at-arms must somehow be beast-men (not sure) as I'm not sure why Hamilcar brought them; but that and the potential conflict are part of what was troubling about where some of these things were revealed.

The whole piece is interesting, but it seems to be dragging out a bit (maybe unnecessarily) and I wonder if its because there seems to be a building air of mystery about what might have brought the number of heroes down so quickly and what the beast-men are and possibly even what Caradoc's role in it all may have been.

I see this sort of bump a lot in some writing where the suspense is ramped up so high that the need to withhold information interferes with the ability to turn some of that into interesting conflict that might outweigh the suspense.

Also; this seems to be in Minerva's point of view and if you could come closer to her to dig into her feelings on the subjects while you tell us about them, it might make it that much more compelling.

It needs more feeling with some of the stuff that is scattered all about the whole piece brought upward and into her thoughts and rendered from enigmatic puzzles, into some of the conflict.

What I mean by that might look a bit like this::


Only five. And the last tenth solstice there were just over twenty and before that, before Caradoc went mad, almost a hundred heroes to assemble and feast in these halls at the Citadel of the Dawn. Minerva glanced down from the mountain to where she'd left her chariot and then gazed outward where she could make out the progress of the few others; moving like pilgrims. These who were once like gods. All arriving late from moving slowly; cautiously, except perhaps for Hamilcar who seems to have brought a retinue of a dozen men-at-arms; beast-men at that. Well he can leave them at the stables; there will be enough to say about them as it is. The rest hasten only as they draw nearer and their spirits lifted; Goldry had begun to whoop and yell behind the pair of great hounds pulling his chariot; Neith emerges from the shadow taking the steps in leaps and bounds, bow slung on her nut-brown back; somewhere out there Rostam the Demon-slayer would melt out of darkness as silent as a firefly without nearly as much flash, he'd not spoken a word in decades. She shuddered as her heart grew cool to think, with such great loss in numbers and the recent turn of events surely this could be the last assembly. Some dark place inside her even wondered if Caradoc didn't have some of it right, somehow; though his overall plan of execution proved flawed and deadly.


::Be mindful that I don't know your story or what exactly you are trying to withhold so I can't do it the justice that you could.
 
However, as usual I was confused a bit; though I think that the dozen men-at-arms must somehow be beast-men (not sure) as I'm not sure why Hamilcar brought them; but that and the potential conflict are part of what was troubling about where some of these things were revealed.

The whole piece is interesting, but it seems to be dragging out a bit (maybe unnecessarily) and I wonder if its because there seems to be a building air of mystery about what might have brought the number of heroes down so quickly and what the beast-men are and possibly even what Caradoc's role in it all may have been.

Thanks for the input.

I am deliberately leaving the reader in the dark about a lot of the background at this point. I'm trying to tell the story from the POV of characters very different from us. The relationship between the actors is revealed gradually. Some of the background is never revealed at all, and the reader is left to puzzle it together or draw their own conclusions.

The tricky thing about this approach is knowing when you're being allusive, and when you're just being unintentionally confusing. As for the dragging out, I agree this section could use some tightening.

Also; this seems to be in Minerva's point of view and if you could come closer to her to dig into her feelings on the subjects while you tell us about them, it might make it that much more compelling.

It needs more feeling with some of the stuff that is scattered all about the whole piece brought upward and into her thoughts and rendered from enigmatic puzzles, into some of the conflict.

The scenes immediately following this show Minerva's feelings more clearly. However, I agree that this first section could use some more of her thoughts and feelings to get the reader engaged right off the hop.
 
I liked it a lot. It took me a little while to sink into the style -- it's different from most of the things I read -- but once there I found it coherent and enjoyable.

Just to nit-pick a bit: as Tinkerdan points out, I found Minerva a little passive/ empty -- she feels more like a distant observer of the conversation than a participant and all I really get from her is a nostalgic sadness. I think the story would be strengthened by engaging her a little more.

Occasionally, it feels as if you let a bit of a cliché slip in -- e.g. when Hamilcar strokes his jaw.

I wasn't sure about the idea of a firefly being silent. They might well be, but that's not what we associate them with, so it gave a slightly strange feeling to the description (which you probably meant -- I am mentioning it because I noticed)

It does feel like some of the opening could be shortened so that we get to the beastmen sooner. They are where the story really grabs. I wondered why Minerva was so relaxed about Hamilcar's men, especially knowing Neith was in the same place and how she felt. If they all do regard men as beasts and filth responsible for the destruction of their people, they're very relaxed about Hamilcar's -- right up until after they've drunk etc and they have an argument about them.

Rostam seems to vanish. It's kind of tricky since he doesn't speak, but I forgot about him.
 
I liked it a lot. It took me a little while to sink into the style -- it's different from most of the things I read -- but once there I found it coherent and enjoyable.

Just to nit-pick a bit: as Tinkerdan points out, I found Minerva a little passive/ empty -- she feels more like a distant observer of the conversation than a participant and all I really get from her is a nostalgic sadness. I think the story would be strengthened by engaging her a little more.

Yes, I need to get her acting more in this early part of the story.

Occasionally, it feels as if you let a bit of a cliché slip in -- e.g. when Hamilcar strokes his jaw.

Noted.

I wondered why Minerva was so relaxed about Hamilcar's men, especially knowing Neith was in the same place and how she felt. If they all do regard men as beasts and filth responsible for the destruction of their people, they're very relaxed about Hamilcar's -- right up until after they've drunk etc and they have an argument about them.

Excellent point. This is why critiques are so valuable.

Thanks for the input.
 
My big reaction and only real criticism is that for all of these characters' clear power, they don't feel that wondrous. I feel like their strangeness, their mythic nature, those things could have been dialled up.

As it is, its well constructed and has a great hook but just feels a little short of soul. Just my two bright shiny pieces of metal.
 
I really, really liked this, I'd like to read the whole story someday

"Tumbling Waters" Great, is it sort of early 20th century modern with a stream flowing through it? :)

I really can't think of anything substantial to add or say, except that I wish there was more of it
 
Minerva sighed. She had hoped they could pass at least this one night in peace. Leave the grim counsels until the morrow. Yet she was not surprised at the other woman’s anger.

I didn't see Neith's anger until a later point so you might like to make that clearer.

Other than that it reads extremely well and I wanted more despite not being a huge fan of these scenarios.
 
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