Princess Grace of Verceti

[Andrew Lambert]

Grace, now on Earth is a 13-year-old and has two young friends who do not now she is 'not from around here.' (love that quote from the Avengers). The previous chapter sets up an assassination attempt on her. My question - is it exciting enough and is it plausible?
Also, having my usual showing and telling dilemma.


Jon and Grace moved across the stepping stones traversing the small stream in animated slow motion, unable to dodge the pine cones flying at them. This wacky game was Mandy's latest creation.


‘You’ve got to get across the stream as slowly as you can, just like the six million dollar man.’ She did an entirely credible imitation of Steve Austin, the 1970’s star of the cult TV series, moving slowly and making the sound that accompanied him whenever he was moving super fast…slowly. ‘And I will throw pinecones at you. First to step into the water is out and then we swap over’.


Grace, as usual, took the game very seriously, and with excellent balance never wavered under the barrage of cones. Jon, however, receiving most of the taunting off Mandy, succumbed when he turned to Mandy to moan about the verbal abuse and received a direct hit right on his forehead. They both got to the far side, laughing about his wet feet, with Mandy dancing about on a small hill on the other side in mock victory.


Everything around Grace froze.


Tauriar, quickly, stretch the moment! I cannot hold it for you much longer from here.


Grace’s reaction was instantaneous. I have done it, taking over.


Everything around her appeared to stand dead still. She took control of the time acceleration bubble that Prime had initially created from within the Hall.


Find the danger Tauriar.


The princess looked around and spotted it. It’s a small missile, a dart - moving fast. I have about 20 seconds.


AM Dart, seeking your DNA. You’ve trained for this. Throw your broach out!


But…. No time. She clutched her brooch and threw it out of the bubble. It stopped immediately on exit and hovered there, now in regular time. With the holo transmitter and skin modifier embedded within the broach, she instantly reverted to her natural self. But, it also contained a strand of her DNA that would, hopefully, fool the dart. She only had about 10 seconds to scoop up the other two and immediately stepped back so that Jon entered the bubble. He found himself face to face with a blue, slightly distorted, version of Grace grabbing his arm and shouting at him ‘RUN!’ She half lead and half dragged Jon across the shallow stream in the direction of a stationary Mandy, still in a dancing pose. ‘GRAB HER!’ she shouted as they reached the top of the small rise and the bubble engulfed her as well. The three of them fell to the other side just as the bubble collapsed - Grace’s concentration finally failing. The noise from the crack of the dart was not overly loud, but the intensity and the rush of displacement air accelerating past them at great speed overloaded their senses.


Either way, a moment later all was quite. The three children were lying in a heap. One rather blue Vercetian and two rather astonished humans!

 

[Stable]

I think you have a little too much information per sentence. The first sentence is incredibly difficult to parse and awkward to read, as is the big paragraph starting But.... Try breaking your long sentences down into shorter, more bite-sized chunks. This would also help your comma rash. Your second sentence is lovely and bite-sized however.

I think the long, difficult to understand sentences kill any chance you have of things being exciting.

Plausibility-wise... how would modern 13 year-olds know about the six million dollar man? Why does she have to grab the others when the dart is heading only for her?

Finally, watch out for non-spellcheckable spelling errors. You have broach for brooch, and "later all was quite".

Hope this helped!

 

[Andrew Lambert]

Thank you Stable.
It has helped.
Shorter sentences - got it. I've recently read up that that is the requirement for fight scenes. Will try it.
I think you're right about the six million dollar man. Although this takes place in 2001, it's probably still too far away from the 70's. Something I would have done as a kid, then again, I'm ancient! Will rewrite.
The small missile is heading for her, but she's thrown the brooch - with the strand of DNA in it - into its path. She's trying to get over the hillock to avoid the blast. Agreed, it's not properly explained. Will re-evaluate.
Thanks again.

 

[tinkerdan]

I thought this went well and was executed well enough.
I take it that this is Omniscient POV and if I'm wrong then you need to fix some things.

I love long sentences, when they work; and they can work in places you would never expect, however it takes some time and attention to make them work. My only suggestion would be to keep working on them. Oh and I really don't consider your sentence long.

The six million dollar man reference does not bother me, although I'd wonder if you know that a reference like that can either draw the reader out by too much attention or total lack of understanding. I've done a few myself with the full realization of the damage they do. If you leave it in you might consider removing this line::

the 1970’s star of the cult TV series

I know you mean to try to help them understand it, but it messed me up in two areas. One I already knew some of that and the name Steve Austin is the main character not the star who played the character. Yes that's how my strange mind processed it.

As to the action: the problems with the action might be structure rather than length of sentences and by structure I mean anything from spelling to grammar to punctuation and placement of action.

But…. No time. She clutched her brooch and threw it out of the bubble. It stopped immediately on exit and hovered there, now in regular time. [With the holo transmitter and skin modifier embedded within the broach, she instantly reverted to her natural self. But, it also contained a strand of her DNA that would, hopefully, fool the dart. ]Here is the biggest problem. Besides the broaching the spelling you have her revert to her natural self and have But after that when there was nothing there that really triggers a however. The whole of the two sentences need to be unraveled to try to understand what you mean to say.Perhaps(The holo transmitter and skin modifier embedded within the brooch might not be enough, however the a strand of her DNA gave her hope. She reverted to her normal self.)
Next You switch back and forth with POV.
She only had about 10 seconds to scoop up the other two and immediately stepped back so that Jon entered the bubble. He found himself face to face with a blue, slightly distorted, version of Grace grabbing his arm and
[shouting at him ‘RUN!’ ] This is almost overkill because you tell us she shouts you put it in caps and you place an exclamation point there emphasize with quotes. This doesn't even count using shouting creates a dialogue tag that should perhaps have a comma just before the dialogue and then has that awkward exclamation point inside the dialogue-twisting the readers mind into trying to figure out if the She is part of the same sentence with dialogue in the middle or if the dialogue ended that sentence. Don't get me wrong, you did it correctly (except for the comma missing) but with everything else my head is spinning. Maybe::
(Face to face, Grace was still a blue and slightly distorted version grabbing his arm. ‘Run!’) or just "RUN!" if you must.
She half lead and half dragged Jon across the shallow stream in the direction of a stationary Mandy, still in a dancing pose.
This one I'd just get rid of all that excess.
[ ‘GRAB HER!’] 'Grab her,' she shouted as they reached the top of the small rise and the bubble engulfed her as well. The three of them fell to the other side just as the bubble collapsed - Grace’s concentration finally failing. The noise from the crack of the dart was not overly loud, but the intensity and the rush of displacement air accelerating past them at great speed overloaded their senses.

That extra stuff sounds like telling, as though you don't trust the context and your words to be strong enough to carry the emotions so maybe there is a need to show us more.


One last observation. This action part brings to mind Dune. Not so much the book version, but definitely a scene from the movie.

 

[Andrew Lambert]

Thanks, Tinkerdan.
I've dropped Steve Austin already, and happier with the rewrite.
The "But" at the start of the large paragraph, is supposed to be Grace worrying out exposing her identity - but I can see now that it doesn't work. I'll rewrite the last paragraph taking your comment.s on board.
More worrying though is your last comment. It's been over thirty years since I watched Dune. If I've stolen a scene from David Lynch's mind, that's worrying on a couple of levels. Especially, with a new Twin Peaks coming out soon...

 

[The Storyteller]

I enjoyed this clip. I agree with some of the earlier comments, but as soon as 'everything around Grace froze' I was very interested. I liked the pace of it, and the way information is conveyed back and forth in a way that feels urgent, yet like the characters are trained and prepared for events like this.

One note, is that you mentioned the dart explodes, and they have to get away from the blast, but the way it is written I actually didn't catch that! I was thinking the rush of displaced air was more describing the sensation of returning to the normal flow of time. It was my bad--I should have caught on to what was going on--but then again, making that description a bit more powerful would add more intensity to the scene I think.

I think Grace worrying about exposing her identity is good, if it can be conveyed a bit more clearly. It adds some additional stakes to the moment!

 

[Andrew Lambert]

Thanks, Storyteller.

The noise from the crack of the dart was not overly loud, but the intensity and the rush of displacement air accelerating past them at great speed overloaded their senses.

The rush of air is actually because the dart implodes rather than explodes. A previous chapter sets this up.
As I'm still no way near my 1500 words, below is the setup. I've made a mental note to go work on the penultimate paragraph of this snippet, because of the amount of telling I'm doing (my continuing education here on SFF).


Now was perfect.

The security shield had been in place for about two weeks now. Nothing could penetrate it, not a missile, not a search drone, not even somebody carrying a toy gun. The artificial intelligence controlling the shield watched anything and everybody. But, it was partially down, just for 30 minutes. Helen was carrying out a minor calibration adjustment to the optical tracking system, that they all had as an implant, to monitor each other's whereabouts - final tweaking. He would have time. He, like everyone else, knew the location of the princess before the partial shutdown. Helen had activated the perimeter dome and told the children to stay near the hall. They were by the house and vulnerable: perfect, a one-time only opportunity.

He slipped out of a side exit and ran into the woods. The vantage point he was heading for was excellent with plenty of cover and damp moss under foot. He wouldn’t be seen or heard! In his side pocket, he carried an AM Hover Dart, which contained a minuscule particle of grey matter in suspension. This weapon was a particularly efficient killing device. He had gone to great lengths to smuggle it here; the DNA of its target already programmed in. The hover function allowed mid-air setting, at about chest height facing in the general direction of its target, where it would hang for a preset period. It would then accelerate to 350 miles per hour and seek out its target. When it got within one metre of the source of the DNA it would activate - a small but deadly implosion consuming all living matter within a five-metre radius.


He could see the children now, about 100 metres away, and set the hover function to forty-five seconds. More than enough time for him to get back to the place he would have been expected to be. He then enabled the tracking system and lightly touch the arming button. He paused for the briefest moment to confirm activation and hover stability, then turned and set off as fast and as quietly as he could.