Need another perspective on this description

CylonScream

CylonScream

There are four lights!
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Feb 25, 2017
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In my own head, I think?!?!
For some reason I've been rewriting this for hours, I need another perspective on it please. I think I have it, but something seems wrong. I think the trees are blocking my forest!

Despite the dire need of a shave, his military haircut is well groomed and peppered with grey like all Europians. He’s still young enough at twenty-five to enjoy the color of light brown hair. Within ten years it will most likely turn fully white due to the stress of childhood. Boones built like a tank at six foot ten and that’s not by chance. He comes from the frozen moon tundra Europa, Jupiter’s 6th satellite moon.


Edit for P.S. Things mentioned are important, like the grey and age. They are explained in the following paragraph after this description.
 
okay,

Your first sentence is telling me that his haircut is in dire need of a shave. Which doesn't make any sense (especially if it is well groomed!) I think you are trying to say that this man is in dire need of a shave but nonetheless currently has a well-groomed haircut.

The second sentence is again not really exact enough. Apparently this youthful character enjoys colours - in particular light brown that is common for hair. Again I think you mean something else, something along the lines of, his hair is luxuriant enough to be described as light brown (however in the previous sentence you have confusingly described it as 'peppered with grey')

The third sentence, seems to me, to refer back to his haircut. Do haircuts have colour? They have shape and other properties, but I think hair by itself has the colour. Again you need to be more exact in your wording here - what is the 'it'?

Bones (that is what I assume you meant) described as 'built like a tank' is a very odd metaphor. Bones are not very armour vehicle-like. This character's build, frame or body would work better as being described as being built like a tank. Also I'm not keen on the 'and that's not by chance' tacked on the end. Well-toned or exercised (or some other adjective that means he works out) at the front of the sentence???

'Frozen moon tundra Europa' seems to suggest he comes from 'tundra Europa' - I'd assume a new name of a moon. Do you instead mean: "He comes from the frozen tundra of the moon Europa..."?

Also right at the end "satellite moon" is more or less saying the same thing twice. A moon is a satellite of its parent planet. Does Jupiter have moons that are not satellites? (quick answer - no!)

Hope that helps :)
 
I have to be honest and say the problem seems to be that you're falling for the pitfall of infodumping - of spending time explaining things instead of telling the story. Remember, you have the entire book to explain everything - you don't have to do it all at once.

My big recommendation would be to forget explaining anything, and stick to only everythin that's immediate. One day you'll do that anyway, so better to get into the habit now. :)
 
When I write a book, I'll often creat a bible to work from. This reads almost exactly like one of my entries - grammar and spelling mistakes included.

Please google show not tell.

Now, despite what you've just googled might say, telling isn't a mortal sin - in fact a well placed tell can really add some icing onto your work, but it shouldn't be the default position.

Also - wouldn't his bones be more brittle if he came from a moon smaller than ours?
 
I was going for, despite Boone's (his name which is explained prior to this) facial hair in dire need of a shave, but his haircut was well maintained. I thought maybe the "despite" might have tipped people off it wasn't his head and with logic. Ill redo that. Peppered to me means spotted , not fully.

Hes young enough to still enjoy having color in his hair. I should remove peppered I guess, didn't realize that mean all grey and cant have no other color.

I see the satellite / moon conflict now.

Confused on mismatch because he has light brown hair.

Thanks for the input all.

I did try to info dump , but the hair was kinda important due to the next scene that will explain why they get grey hair so early.
 
ralphkern said:
When I write a book, I'll often creat a bible to work from. This reads almost exactly like one of my entries - grammar and spelling mistakes included.

Please google show not tell.

Now, despite what you've just googled might say, telling isn't a mortal sin - in fact a well placed tell can really add some icing onto your work, but it shouldn't be the default position.

Also - wouldn't his bones be more brittle if he came from a moon smaller than ours?
Click to expand...


This is the only character I info dump, so much depends on the prior and post dialog. I REALLY wish I could post more so people could understand why what where. I dont have the 30 post needed to do that yet :( I already knew the your info dumping was to come , since Brains helpful comments in a prior post, i've been watching that. And the follow scene explains soooo much on why he is so big and bulky.
 
As Ralph suggests, as a quick paragraph designed to get the information out there -- whether as a background piece for your own use or to allow you to get on with the rest of the story -- it's done its job. However, as VB has pointed out, in itself it's not of high standard of writing for a number of reasons, not least as to sentence structure. That's only to be expected when you're still at a baby-steps stage of learning to write. However, it's likely to be discouraging if you seek a lot of feedback, especially when you've spent hours on a single paragraph.

What I'd suggest you do at this stage is just plough on through the story, and not worry about trying to make every paragraph exactly right. As yet, you don't have the technical expertise to make it perfect -- that will come in time, but only when you've spent several thousand hours writing. Get the story down, in any old fashion. Get to the end, and then start over. As you write you'll improve in skill, and the second draft will be better, and the third better than the second, and so on.

I think feedback will be most useful once you've got that first draft under your belt. So press on with it, and don't agonise over individual paragraphs and sentences at this point. And while you're writing, read a lot and make notes for yourself as to how other authors do things like description, and showing not telling, and try and copy how they do it.
 
Maybe I'm going about this the wrong way. I have my first chapter done, around 50 pages. (will divide up later). My thought was to go back through what I have and get rid of the info dumps, fix my past / present tense problems, and rewrite a little better. I have the structure of the story down in my head, so I wanted to improve my writing some, before moving on to decrease work later. The only reason I was stuck on this so long is because I was trying to squeeze in so much info and trying to be witty on how to do it. But that backfired. Its very important I have his hair and body described now and not later, due to the story. Thanks for the input all! much appreciated.
 
I think you can "fix" the paragraph, if you want to. You need to put in an action - looking in the mirror or catching a reflection - where the character can remark to himself: Shave bad, haircut good, haven't gone gray quite yet. And then some history that applies: Today would mark the 7th anniversary of his emigration from tiny Europa, but he had lived in the light gravity there long enough to tower over his teammates.

The above is quickly written schlock, but I offer it as an example of how to ground the exposition in what is happening right then. Boones is doing things and reflecting on his history, which provides a reasonable excuse for the narrator to tell you more about the effects of childhood on Europa.

Also, I think it is generally more useful to use contrast for things like height or build. It relates the fact of his height back to his reality, gets rid of numbers and keeps you out of any sort of technical criticism (Europans would be much taller than 6'10"). Describe people as they observe each other: Twice as wide, half a head taller, etc.
 
Re the advice to look in the mirror - don't do this if you want to seek either an agent or conventional publisher. It is in the top ten hated conventions for agents and seen as a huge cliche. Like just about the biggest there is (and if anyone wants sources for that, I can dredge them up on multiple threads here and in other places such as Writer's Digest)

As for the description, not getting into sentence construction et al (since this is not a crit thread) my question would be why you want to include it. A reader will form a visual image on much less than this. Personally, I'd cut the whole passage or, if something is essential, I'd cut it to just is important. And then I'd be looking to be much cleverer in how I placed it, and looked to show it instead of this tell. Flashbacks to Europa and his childhood. Salt and peppered hair on the shoulder of his uniform. The feel of his bones aging and the recognition it would be in his appearance, too.

But not a mirror. Never a mirror. :)
 
After taking a break and reading it again, I recognized just how bad it was. Here the version I'm sticking with for now.


Prior dialog leads to this

", I bounced over and opened the door to find Sgt. Keith Boone blocking the entire doorway. Despite the dire need of a shave, his military haircut was well groomed. His hair was peppered with grey like all Europians, but he’s still young enough to retain most of his light brown color. Built like a tank, its not by chance he’s such a large human being."

Then goes into why it's not by choice hes such a large man.
 
I don't think this is dialogue, so you won't want the quotation mark at the end. The one at the beginning, it appears, may be from a previous bit of dialogue? But you won't want the comma after it, either, as this isn't a dialogue tag -- i.e. a way of saying whatever came before it.

And you change tense in the middle of it, right in the middle of a sentence. I bounced, haircut was, hair was, and then he's, it's.

But it's definitely better, so just keep moving and then worry about it later. :)
 
TheDustyZebra said:
I don't think this is dialogue, so you won't want the quotation mark at the end. The one at the beginning, it appears, may be from a previous bit of dialogue? But you won't want the comma after it, either, as this isn't a dialogue tag -- i.e. a way of saying whatever came before it.

And you change tense in the middle of it, right in the middle of a sentence. I bounced, haircut was, hair was, and then he's, it's.

But it's definitely better, so just keep moving and then worry about it later. :)
Click to expand...

Sorry , lazy copy paste. quotation marks were meant to highlight the text from the story. the comma is left over from prior text I left out.

The reason it says it's, he's, is because its not spoken text. Its a explanation, more about Europians and why they are so large. Boone and Europians still exists in the explanation, but explaining the event that took place was past tense. so I used was, his, Is that wrong?
 
Last edited:
The he's would be contraction of he is although it would be nice to invent the he was version.
he was still young enough to retain most of his light brown color. Built like a tank, its not by chance he was such a large human being.

Now what I'd do because I'm such a novice, is punch this all into one monster sentence and get it done with.

Despite the need of a shave, his military cut gave his light brown hair that well groomed look with the occasional grey peppered in and while young at twenty-five he'd soon be fully white from the stress of life on the frozen tundra moon Europa,Jupiter's 6th satellite, where there were more like Boones: six foot ten and built like a tank.
 
Don't worry in the least. Let this just be your first lesson in the fact that some bits of advice are more helpful than others, and it's up to you to figure out which is which. :D
 
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