1000th... And one Post Critique

[Vaz]

Wow, never thought I'd hit so many posts. Thanks for being such an awesome community and making me stick around, I hope I can give back as much as you all do. Cheers folks!

Anyway, without further ado here's a piece from a second Novella I'm working on, its only a short excerpt. Warnings for Profantiy/Grimness.

Have at it!




The Broken Pillar



The town was painted in the colours of slaughter. It would be ash by morning, and when the next mists fell it would be nothing more than memory. Sneak peeked through the splintered wood, a red bearded boar of a man wielding two axes slicked with gore strode towards the hut; a big grin creasing his cheeks. She drew her other dagger - just in case, then slipped further into shadow and sunk low behind a barrel smelling of piss. Its hard killing a Husk. Even harder when its one of your own that's been changed.

In he came grunting and snuffing. Looked like the night birthed him as he broke through it and stood beneath the gas lamp, it's pale light picking out the roots of Falrak magic that had sieged his blood turning his veins into silvered snakes. She slapped a hand across her mouth and swallowed hard. His scent merged with the barrel creating a vile perfume. The fish stores are a bad place to hide. He crept close, the sweat on her back heavier than an extra layer of rags. Sneak held the face of Truthful in her mind like a torch in darkness. Then she leaned against a barrel. It creaked, swayed like a drunk, and fell spilling its guts. Big red's head twisted all the way round like an owls. His body followed his head. He came at her.

She raised her daggers. Could she go back to the red way again? Sneak had buried that path long ago, seems time has a way of unearthing old bones. Big Red ran then flung himself to his knees, picking amongst the fish like a hog rooting for a truffle. The knot in her throat loosened. Sneak took a grateful lung of air then backed towards the entrance, a tickle of chill wind telling her she was almost there. She turned to run.

Old Root blocked her path. His eyes white and rolling in his head like the bellies of dead fish. He held his sons dripping head in one hand, the other held his sword. He smiled. Big red grunted behind her. No choice but to take the path you're forced to walk.

'f*ck,' she said.

The night bled.

 

[Stewart Hotston]

it's interesting. Feels like a middle section which is both good and challenging because there's no introduction to ideas like 'the red way' or the changing, Husks, the Truthful, or the magic system. Having said that, I'm easy with that, although I know lots of people fuss if it's not all explained in the first page and I do think you introduce a LOT here.

What doesn't work for me is the middle paragraph. It's a little disjointed - detail in the wrong place - like multiple allusions to the smell but each one different - piss, fish, the man's smell. At the same time you're trying to build tension with the man who appears to be zombie/warrior/possessed. Focus on one thing - in this case, the potential confrontation.

 

[Vaz]

Thanks for the crit Stewart. Sorry I do tend to confuse. Truthful is a person, I should have mentioned that, darn.

By "the red way" I was trying to allude to her not wanting to go back to killing.

This will be getting more revisions. I'll tighten and focus it more in the process. Thanks for raising those points, I appreciate it.

v

 

[thaddeus6th]

Congrats on 1,000 posts.

It's been ages since I've done one of these (been a bit pushed for time trying to get serial and novel ready as soon as possible), so here goes *sharpens claws*:


It would be ash by morning, and when the next mists fell it would be nothing more than memory. - quite like this.

a red bearded boar - maybe a tiny bit clunky. I'd add a hyphen, at least

of a man wielding two axes slicked with gore - style: gory/bloody axes?

; a big grin creasing his cheeks. - I prescribe a semi-colonectomy. Just have a comma

She drew her other dagger - just in case, - commas fore and aft, *or* em-dashes fore and aft, but a mixture is the work of Satan

barrel smelling of piss. - piss-soaked/stained barrel? Tanner's barrel of prize(d) piss?

Its hard killing a Husk. - missed an apostrophe. Cooler, two weeks

its one of your own that's been changed. - missed a second apostrophe. Cooler, six weeks

In he came grunting and snuffing. - style: add a comma after 'came'

it's pale light - unnecessary apostrophe. I fear you may be paying cooler rent

that had sieged his blood turning his veins into silvered snakes. - silvered snakes is quite nice, perhaps add a comma after 'blood'

His scent merged with the barrel creating a vile perfume. - scent does mingle nicely with perfume, but it also sounds a bit too positive. Odour, stench, etc might work better (solitary) but then you'd lose the scent/perfume pairing. Hmm.

and fell spilling its guts. - comma after 'fell'

Big red's head twisted all the way round like an owls.- 'owls' needs an apostrophe, arrange direct debit for cooler rent

Big Red ran then flung himself to his knees, - style: change 'then' to 'and'. Feels quicker, more continuous.

He held his sons dripping head in one hand, - 'sons' needs an apostrophe. It might be quicker to just give a lump sum to fund cooler stay for six months.

'f*ck,' she said. - capital F.


Despite the apostrocalypse, quite liked it.

 

[VinceK]

Atmospheric and loved the opening line.

Much has already mean said, so I'll just add a few suggestions:

a man wielding two axes slicked with gore strode towards the hut; a big grin creasing his cheeks

I think I understand what you're trying to convey, but maybe it would convey a more profound image – without using the *big* word – if you said something like: "a man wielding two gore slicked axes and a manic grin strode towards the hut.'

His scent merged with the barrel creating a vile perfume.

You have used scent and perfume which I would normally associate with pleasant smells. As you've already mentioned piss, you could say: "His stench churning with the rancid piss." Something like that

Big Red ran then flung himself to his knees, picking amongst the fish like a hog rooting for a truffle.

The word 'picking' seems out of context with the 'snuffling' metaphor.

 

[Vaz]

Thanks for taking the time to crit guys

@thaddeus6th I'll be in touch with my debit card details!

 

[Toby Frost]

My first thought is that it's well-written but it feels very, very much like Joe Abercrombie: not just the violence and atmosphere but the descriptive names, the sentence structure, the character thoughts and even the sense of "no man escapes his destiny/himself" at the end. Personally, assuming that the rest of the story is like this, I think it's a little too close.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I like the use of voice, but some of the sentences seem to have far too many adjectives and verbs to me.

For example:

Sneak peeked through the splintered wood, a red bearded boar of a man wielding two axes slicked with gore strode towards the hut; a big grin creasing his cheeks

Verbs: peeked, splintered, wielding, slicked, strode, creasing

Looked like the night birthed him as he broke through it and stood beneath the gas lamp, it's pale light picking out the roots of Falrak magic that had sieged his blood turning his veins into silvered snakes.

Verbs: looked, birthed, broke, stood, picking, sieged, turning

IMO a sentence needs only one or two verbs, with any adjectives as required, in order to highlight the most important information. They are like salt and spices - a little can give a strong flavour, but too much can be overwhelming.

So IMO you would be better breaking down some of these longer sentences into 2 or 3 shorter ones, so that each sentence can stay focused on just one or two verbs. That way you can deliver the information you need in a focused manner, without confusing the reader as to where their focus should be.

2c.

 

[tinkerdan]

I liked this both times I read it. I don't read Abercrombie so I have no idea about that; but this is good and visceral to some extent.

It would be ash by morning, and when the next mists fell it would be nothing more than memory.

For people like me who are easily confuse--you might want to re-parse this.
this seems to be the gist of the sentence.
It would be ash by morning and it would be nothing more than memory.

With that in mind perhaps.
It would be ash by morning and, when the next mists fell, it would be nothing more than memory.
although now that I look at that it could be.
It would be ash by morning. When the next mists fell it would be nothing more than memory.

And so you can see where the comma where it is might or might not say what you want the sentence to say.

Nice imagery; though I was almost a bit confused by [Could she go back to the red way again?].

 

[Phyrebrat]

I liked it. Some nice imagery there. I think on the second pass some sentences like the one about the blood and silver snakes might jump out as a bit overwritten, and the capitalisation of Big Red and other small typos can be corrected.

The only thing I really would change is using 'peeked' after Sneak. The assonance and pre existing phrase of 'sneak peek' reduces the focus from Sneak being a name and makes me try to parse the sentence as a 'sneak peek' (if that makes sense).

Well done. I like the sky becoming almost a character itself.

pH

 

[Lumens]

I am also a little confused by "the red way" statement. Is that to do with killing? She has two daggers so she seems as if she knows how to use them.

I like it though, it has a nice pace too. I can't comment on the language or style, I need more experience for that.

 

[pambaddeley]

This confused - sounds as if you're going on to describe Sneak rather than her watching him - Sneak peeked through the splintered wood, a red bearded boar of a man - a full stop after wood would fix that.

In mid sentence a dash normally has another dash after the text - She drew her other dagger - just in case - so needs that comma after case changed to second dash.

Its hard - needs apostrophe as this is 'It is'

but get rid of apostrophe here - it's pale - as "its" is a possessive like his or hers in this context

Changes tense here; should be were in the context - The fish stores are a bad place

The segue from him creeping to sweat on her back didn't work for me; muddled subject to sentence.

owls - again apostrophe

tense change again - , seems time has a way

sons needs an apostrophe

Congrats on the 1000 posts!!

 

[Vaz]

Thanks for the input, folks.

@Brian G Turner yep - too many verbs indeed - I'll fix that

@Toby Frost do I really write like an Abercrombie rip-off? Aw, feck. I just write how I would speak the story, rather than trying to write in a certain "style." Maybe I should attempt a style change?

@tinkerdan - I'll have a think over rearranging that sentence so it's clearer.

@Phyrebrat - I'll lose the peeked cheers ph

@Lumens - yes, the "red way" was me alluding to the character wondering his easy it would be to go back to killing.

@pambaddeley - thanks for the crit. I'm not sure about the tense changing - as this is written in deep third and they're character thoughts. I think its allowed but you may be right. I'll look it up

 

[Toby Frost]

To be clear, I'm not accusing you of doing anything that you shouldn't do. It's just that, for me, it feels very much in Abercrombie's shadow. If three or four of the things in the list I made above were there, then I probably wouldn't think so, but it's the combination of all those factors that does it for me.

Should you change it? I don't know really. Probably not: you ought to write what comes most naturally. And this is just my own opinion, after all. Nobody else has said so, so I wouldn't do anything unless it others mention it.

 

[Vaz]

I hope I didn't come across as snarky in my questioning, and I know you're not the type of person who would just throw accusations about. Sorry if this came across badly on my part. It's a point you've raised a couple of times with my writing and I was just wondering whether I should be worried about it.

Thanks for replying.

 

[Toby Frost]

No, not at all! Personally I was wondering the same thing about what I posted. It might just be this excerpt too. Given that no-one else has mentioned it, I wouldn't worry.

 

[Martin Gill]

I liked this a lot. I love the first sentence of each of the first two paras. Nice intros. Short, punchy, evocative. It does have an Abecrombie-esque feel to it, but I think as long as you stamp your own voice on it, there's nowt wrong with that. Folks have gone at the grammar already so I won't bother.

Things that made me frown...

Why is there a barrel of piss in the fish store? A tannery, yes. Also the grammar of that sentence leaves you technically unsure whether its the barrel or her that smells of fish.

She "draws another dagger" then clamps one hand over her mouth. How? She's holding 2 daggers now.

"looked like the night birthed him as he broke through it..." is nice imagery but the sentence structure didn't wash for me. Broke through what? The night, obviously, but the structure failed for me.

"roots of Falrak magic that had sieged his blood" - I'd go "roots of Falrak magic besieging his blood". Eliminate "that" if you can for tighter prose (usually)

I'd pull "could she go back to the red way" up earlier in the section. For the whole middle para she's hiding,. but we do't hear her motivation. I figure she's hiding because Big Red is dangerous and hard to kill, OK, but interestingly she doesn't want to kill him. So we learn late on that she's hiding partly from fear, but partly from the fear that she CAN kill him and may have to. That changes her mental stance for me but we learn it late on in the section.

 

[Vaz]

@Martin Gill - thanks you for taking the time to crit this. Cheers for pulling out those errors - by barrel of piss I was thinking of the brine smell but I'll change this. Good point about mentioning her motivation earlier on.

Cheers.

v

 

[Martin Gill]

No problem. I'd totally read this. It feels very much like my kind of story.

 

[HareBrain]

A few words about sentence structure. I'll use this as an example.

Sneak peeked through the splintered wood, a red bearded boar of a man wielding two axes slicked with gore strode towards the hut; a big grin creasing his cheeks.

Pam's mentioned this example, but I'll add why it causes confusion (apart from "sneak peek", which PB pointed out). The issue is that I had to change my understanding of the sentence as I went on.

If you take this section by itself:

Sneak peeked through the splintered wood, a red bearded boar of a man wielding two axes slicked with gore

it seems clear that the red-bearded boar of a man is Sneak (or it might even be the splintered wood) because what comes after the comma in a sentence like that usually expands on what comes before. But then we get to the verb "strode", and suddenly that makes no sense, so we have to halt and re-assess what we've just read. What you need to avoid this is to use a more definite break than a comma, either a full stop, a dash or a semi-colon. And while we're at it, the semi-colon here:

; a big grin creasing his cheeks.

isn't quite right either. Apart from in lists, a semi-colon usually separates clauses that could be individual sentences, and "a big grin creasing his cheeks" isn't that. So I'd replace that with a comma. That gives:

Sneak peeked through the splintered wood. A red bearded boar of a man wielding two axes slicked with gore strode towards the hut, a big grin creasing his cheeks.

But the second sentence still contains a potential trip-up, because we would expect the first verb we come to to belong to the subject, the man, i.e. the man slicked -- except that makes no sense, so we have to revise it to attach to the axes. Better, I think, to make sure "strode" is the first verb we come across, and you can do that by building "slicked" into a compound adjective, like this:

Sneak peeked through the splintered wood. A red-bearded boar of a man wielding two gore-slicked axes strode towards the hut, a big grin creasing his cheeks.

Sorry for the dust-dry post! Hope it's some help -- I know how hard it is to see how sentences can be misinterpreted if you've written them yourself.