Blurb for Princess Grace of Verceti

[Andrew Lambert]

Okay,
My first book is complete (I can't believe it's been a year since I posted my first Crit on here). My cover design is nearly complete and looking fantastic. I'm booked in for editing in a few weeks time.
All that is left for me to sort is the descriptive words to go on the back cover, and I'm having more problems here than with anything else.
A final plea for help from all of you guys and gals.

The Zerot. An ancient race who’s sole purpose is to bring civilizations to their knees and wager on the time taken to annihilate them completely.

Their next target is the planet of Preenasette, a warring world where the two nations have long forgotten why they are at war. The Zerot infiltrate and tip the delicate balance, forcing one of the nations to send their princess away to find a safe hiding place.

The princess and her team end up on Earth and settle into a peaceful existence.

But the evil shadow has found them and Earth becomes a pawn in this game of death, and unlikely heroes must emerge to battle this deadly foe.

 

[TitaniumTi]

The Zerot. An ancient race who’s whose sole purpose is to bring civilizations to their knees and wager on the time taken to annihilate them completely.

Their next target is the planet of Preenasette, a warring world where the two nations have long forgotten why they are at war fighting. The Zerot infiltrate and tip the delicate balance, forcing one of the nations to send their its princess away to find a safe hiding place.

The princess and her team end up on Earth and settle into a peaceful existence life.

But the evil shadow has found them and Earth becomes a pawn in this game of death. Unlikely heroes must emerge to battle this deadly foe.

Comments -

• Who's is an abbreviation of "who is". Whose is the correct choice here.
• I'm not fond of common combinations of words, inluding "sole purpose", "peaceful existence" and "deadly foe". I'd probably put the book back on the shelf as soon as I saw any of those in a blurb.
• "Sole purpose" distracted me from the storyline, as I wondered how any race could exist with such an impractical "sole purpose". Surely, they have other purposes, such as providing themselves with food, clothing and wealth for wagering.
• Annihilate means completely destroy - so the "completely" in "annihilate them completely" is redundant.
• I don't like the repetition of "warring" and "at war". Also, "at war" seems too impersonal; "fighting" has more immediacy.
• The "one" in "one of the nations" is singular. you need the singular "its princess".

 

[Andrew Lambert]

The Zerot. An ancient race who’s whose sole purpose is to bring civilizations to their knees and wager on the time taken to annihilate them completely.

Their next target is the planet of Preenasette, a warring world where the two nations have long forgotten why they are at war fighting. The Zerot infiltrate and tip the delicate balance, forcing one of the nations to send their its princess away to find a safe hiding place.

The princess and her team end up on Earth and settle into a peaceful existence life.

But the evil shadow has found them and Earth becomes a pawn in this game of death. Unlikely heroes must emerge to battle this deadly foe.

Comments -

• Who's is an abbreviation of "who is". Whose is the correct choice here.
• I'm not fond of common combinations of words, inluding "sole purpose", "peaceful existence" and "deadly foe". I'd probably put the book back on the shelf as soon as I saw any of those in a blurb.
• "Sole purpose" distracted me from the storyline, as I wondered how any race could exist with such an impractical "sole purpose". Surely, they have other purposes, such as providing themselves with food, clothing and wealth for wagering.
• Annihilate means completely destroy - so the "completely" in "annihilate them completely" is redundant.
• I don't like the repetition of "warring" and "at war". Also, "at war" seems too impersonal; "fighting" has more immediacy.
• The "one" in "one of the nations" is singular. you need the singular "its princess".

Thanks TitaniumTi,
Very useful and applied to version 2.
Regarding 'sole purpose' I'm wondering whether the following is a better option:

The Zerot. An ancient race who derives pleasure by bringing civilizations to their knees and wagering on the time taken to annihilate them.

 

[Brian G Turner]

It comes across as very distant and disengaged - the first couple of paragraphs seem to be explaining the background to the story, rather than the story itself. This leaves the princess looking like an after thought, and you don't even give her name. The last line basically says that other people will do stuff instead of her.

In which case I'm left confused as to what the actual story is, especially when the title is centred on a character who barely features in her own blurb?

 

[TitaniumTi]

Thanks TitaniumTi,
Very useful and applied to version 2.
Regarding 'sole purpose' I'm wondering whether the following is a better option:

The Zerot. An ancient race who derives pleasure by bringing civilizations to their knees and wagering on the time taken to annihilate them.

Yes and no.

"Derives pleasure" makes more sense, but the sentence is too long and doesn't flow well. (I'm speaking from experience, because I have to fight my own tendency to write ponderous sentences.)

Brian has also pinned down another problem, distance. The princess also lacks agency; she's even "sent away".

 

[Andrew Lambert]

Thanks, TT and Brian.
I've spent the day reading introductions on Amazon, and have now completely changed it. I'll pop it up on here tomorrow, as my brain is now fried!

 

[Charles Gull]

It may be obsolete already but for what it is worth I would try and phrase it something like this:

In order to escape an apocalyptic game of annihilation played by the ancient Zerot, a princess must flee her homeworld and seek shelter on distant Earth.

However, even there the hoped for peaceful existence proves no sanctuary against the shadow of the evil game masters.

Can the unlikeliest of heros rise to prevent Earth from becoming an impotent pawn in a game of destruction or will the princess succumb to her intended fate?

 

[Andrew Lambert]

It may be obsolete already but for what it is worth I would try and phrase it something like this:

To escape an apocalyptic game of annihilation played by the ancient Zerot, a princess must flee her homeworld and seek shelter on distant Earth.

However, even there the hoped for peaceful existence proves no sanctuary against the shadow of the evil game masters.

Can the unlikeliest of heros rise to prevent Earth from becoming an impotent pawn in a game of destruction or will the princess succumb to her intended fate?

Wow, Charles. That is great.
I'm now ripping up a day's worth of efforts, that were getting worse as the days has gone on!
Thanks

It may be obsolete already but for what it is worth I would try and phrase it something like this:

In order to escape an apocalyptic game of annihilation played by the ancient Zerot, a princess must flee her homeworld and seek shelter on distant Earth.

However, even there the hoped for peaceful existence proves no sanctuary against the shadow of the evil game masters.

Can the unlikeliest of heros rise to prevent Earth from becoming an impotent pawn in a game of destruction or will the princess succumb to her intended fate?

Wow, Charles. That is great.

I'm now ripping up a day's worth of efforts, that were getting worse as the days has gone on!

Thanks

 

[Charles Gull]

Wow, Charles. That is great.
I'm now ripping up a day's worth of efforts, that were getting worse as the days has gone on!
Thanks

It is a quite bizarre fact, but I am absolutely hopeless at writing such things for my own work. Perhaps everyone is because we are too close to it and get fuddled by all the details that we know so intimately.

 

[Martin Robert]

Charles' suggestion is very good. Saves me the trouble of making an attempt!