Israel Falls Query Attempt (217 words)

[Cli-Fi]

So taking everyone's suggestions over the weekend I decided to post up the query/blurb I've been working on since I'm about half way done the book and know exactly how it's going to end. Some of you may see your suggestions below:

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Beat cop Henry Wilson has no use for all this new-fangled technology that's coming out and filling store shelves. Visit with the dinosaurs? No thanks. Go back to meet Jesus? Why bother, when he’s got people—including his own mother—growing uncontrollably younger by the day and then inexplicably disappearing from nursing homes? That’s proof time travel is bad news. Plus, he’s got a promising political future; he doesn’t need to go messing with that.

Sometimes however, you have to change time just to protect your own existence long enough to grab your morning coffee and tomorrow’s newspaper. When Henry opens that paper he sees the same political backstabbing and corruption from his psychotic business partner as in the days before time travel and that just reaffirms his position even more. That is, until he falls hopelessly in love with the deranged man’s ex-wife and she introduces him to a horrible new way the rich and powerful game the system.

As he solves the mystery of what happened to his mother, Henry realizes that the only way to save the universe from the bitter fights between the madman and his ex-wife is to rise above them and take his rightful place in history. It's the destiny that he's fought using the technology he hates and barely understands.

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Let's see if this works.

 

[Stewart Hotston]

I'm no expert here but it feels far too long to me. Also, I'd dispense with talking to the reader (i.e. the first sentence in the second paragraph) and tell me directly what's the peril for Henry.

I don't see the relevance of the last line of the first paragraph as you don't mention it again.

Also, if someone gets younger they're going to be too young to live in a nursing home, so if it's inexplicable...you need to do a better job as it seems obvious to me why a young person would leave a place designed to care for the elderly...

Don't refer to his antagonist as 'man', give him a name.

 

[Dennis E. Taylor]

So taking everyone's suggestions over the weekend I decided to post up the query/blurb I've been working on since I'm about half way done the book and know exactly how it's going to end. Some of you may see your suggestions below:

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Beat cop Henry Wilson has no use for all this new-fangled technology that's coming out and filling store shelves. Visit with the dinosaurs? No thanks. Go back to meet Jesus? Why bother, when he’s got people—including his own mother—growing uncontrollably younger by the day and then inexplicably disappearing from nursing homes? That’s proof time travel is bad news. Plus, he’s got a promising political future; he doesn’t need to go messing with that. This line doesn't seem necessary and just muddies the water.

Sometimes however, you have to change time just to protect your own existence long enough to grab your morning coffee and tomorrow’s newspaper. When Henry opens that paper he sees the same political backstabbing and corruption from his psychotic business partner as in the days before time travel and that just reaffirms his position even more. That is, until he falls hopelessly in love with the deranged man’s ex-wife and she introduces him to a horrible new way the rich and powerful game the system. This section doesn't have enough immediacy. Simplify and clarify.

As he solves maybe "investigates" instead. You don't want to give any spoilers. the mystery of what happened to his mother, Henry realizes that the only way to save the universe from the bitter fights between the madman and his ex-wife is to rise above them and take his rightful place in history This feels kind of passive. Can it be punched up?. It's the destiny that he's fought Huh? using the technology he hates and barely understands.

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Let's see if this works.

Overall, it's good. Guy who hates new time-travel tech is forced to deal with it. Good for fans of time travel and fans of semi-comedic SF. Some sections just need further tweaking.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Too detailed, needs simplifying. Less focus on explaining the main character - your focus should be on the conflict, not the world-building or character development IMO.

 

[Cli-Fi]

Too detailed, needs simplifying. Less focus on explaining the main character - your focus should be on the conflict, not the world-building or character development IMO.

Yeah I didn't like the length either.

 

[Stable]

I think you could basically cut the middle paragraph and the last sentence of the first. You can then either rewrite the madman and ex-wife back in or ignore that aspect for now to simplify what you're offering. That would tighten it up considerably, which I assume is good.

I've never queried though, so take this with as much salt as you have available.

 

[Cli-Fi]

I think you could basically cut the middle paragraph and the last sentence of the first. You can then either rewrite the madman and ex-wife back in or ignore that aspect for now to simplify what you're offering. That would tighten it up considerably, which I assume is good.

I've never queried though, so take this with as much salt as you have available.

I was wondering that myself. I see that paragraph as explaining the stakes but it's hard to explain new concepts in three paragraphs or less.