Israel Falls Second Query Attempt (123 Words)

[Cli-Fi]

This is a slightly different take than the one in my other thread. This query is much larger in scope and smaller in word count

When Beat Cop Henry Wilson starts investigating the psychotic meltdown of his business partner, he has no idea how deep this rabbit hole goes.

Israel Falls follows the rise of the powerful Wilson family. Through a series of business deals and political kickbacks Henry and Juliet Wilson end up not only controlling the technology used to develop time travel applications but also, the entire timeline itself.

Constantly under attack by those who fear change and authority; a new technology, one more powerful than time travel threatens the Empire they’ve built. Henry can stop it but only by breaking one of the most sacred rules in the Time Code, by creating a paradox that could destroy everything, but what if he already did that?

 

[Brian G Turner]

This is much better - IMO you're on the right track. A few suggestions:



When Beat Cop Henry Wilson starts investigating the psychotic meltdown of - you don't need this detail, it just unbalances the sentence, when investigation = puzzle should be hook enough his business partner, he has no idea how deep this rabbit hole goes - is this really the right phrase? It sounds derivative of The Matrix, and could confuse expectations.

Israel Falls follows the rise of the powerful Wilson family [Note: You introduced Wilson as a beat cop - claiming he's part of a powerful dynasty feels like a mismatch. Additionally, you are now telling us that this book isn't really about Henry Wilson, but will instead be about all his living relatives, feels like a cheat and misses the point of introducing a main character in your blurb]. Through a series of business deals and political kickbacks Henry and Juliet Wilson end up not only controlling the technology used to develop time travel applications but also, the entire timeline itself. [I struggle to understand how a "beat cop" - ie, a low-ranking police officer - is somehow also involved in big business and big technology, let alone able to control time himself. Either he's low class or he's not - which one is he? OR are you trying to say that Henry is a rich man from a rich family who has spurned his background to become a lowly beat-cop, but gets dragged back into his family's dealings through one of his investigations? If that's the case then I'd recommend you tell us that.

Constantly under attack by those who fear change and authority; [unnecessary IMO] a new technology, one more powerful than time travel threatens the Empire they’ve built. Henry can stop it but only by breaking one of the most sacred rules in the Time Code, by creating a paradox that could destroy everything, but what if he already did that? - though I like the uncertainty this introduces, it could also mean the character's agency is pointless, which negates something of the struggle to solve the mystery IMO

 

[Cli-Fi]

This is much better - IMO you're on the right track. A few suggestions:



When Beat Cop Henry Wilson starts investigating the psychotic meltdown of - you don't need this detail, it just unbalances the sentence, when investigation = puzzle should be hook enough his business partner, he has no idea how deep this rabbit hole goes - is this really the right phrase? It sounds derivative of The Matrix, and could confuse expectations.

Israel Falls follows the rise of the powerful Wilson family [Note: You introduced Wilson as a beat cop - claiming he's part of a powerful dynasty feels like a mismatch. Additionally, you are now telling us that this book isn't really about Henry Wilson, but will instead be about all his living relatives, feels like a cheat and misses the point of introducing a main character in your blurb]. Through a series of business deals and political kickbacks Henry and Juliet Wilson end up not only controlling the technology used to develop time travel applications but also, the entire timeline itself. [I struggle to understand how a "beat cop" - ie, a low-ranking police officer - is somehow also involved in big business and big technology, let alone able to control time himself. Either he's low class or he's not - which one is he? OR are you trying to say that Henry is a rich man from a rich family who has spurned his background to become a lowly beat-cop, but gets dragged back into his family's dealings through one of his investigations? If that's the case then I'd recommend you tell us that.

Constantly under attack by those who fear change and authority; [unnecessary IMO] a new technology, one more powerful than time travel threatens the Empire they’ve built. Henry can stop it but only by breaking one of the most sacred rules in the Time Code, by creating a paradox that could destroy everything, but what if he already did that? - though I like the uncertainty this introduces, it could also mean the character's agency is pointless, which negates something of the struggle to solve the mystery IMO

Thanks @Brian G Turner. A little background info for you if you didn't read my other query.

The central plot of the book is two-fold and I think they fit nicely together. Johnny McIntyre's (his business partner's) foray into madness and world domination which ultimately leads to his defeat.

As Henry investigates what is happening to Johnny he falls in love with McIntyre Ex-wife who herself comes from a rich family of 3D time tunnel builders. As Henry gets sucked into the corruption more and more (remember he's a beat cop who doesn't really care to go by the book). Right now I am putting the finishing touches on Henry's own descant into madness as he experiences deja vu after deja vu when working on business deals or investigations. When the new technology comes about, it's only then that Henry begins to understand what has happened and how to fix it, but as he goes farther down the rabbit he realizes that he might have caused the paradox he wanted to do already.

This realization in turn causes a huge uproar in the society forcing them and Henry to wonder if the ramblings of his old business partner were right all along and of course sparking war. That's the jist of it without getting too much into the technical mythology of the story. So needless to say, if people don't like the Matrix, they aren't going to like this!

Pretty much it highlights the dangers and the consequences of a society that is built around time travel. Despite everyone thinking the technology is foul proof. It certainly isn't.

The tech in my story has been developed to a point where it's past any current conception we have today on what time travel is and I like that. Almost like an Apple Inc., Atlas Shrugged, Matrix mashup.

 

[cidetraq]

"How deep the rabbit hole goes" could be viewed as cliched, or it might be the best way to phrase what you're trying to say. Depends. Should "Beat Cop" be capitalized? You can move the comma from after "also" to before "but". I like the last sentence but you might think about breaking it up into two sentences.

 

[Cli-Fi]

I like the last sentence but you might think about breaking it up into two sentences.

I had that same exact thought, but I know commas are common in queries so I went with it.

 

[HareBrain]

I would remove the line "Israel Falls follows the rise of the powerful Wilson family" because to me it mucks up the pacing. It feels like the kind of line that would start a third, summing-up paragraph, and it made me feel there was too little before that. And I don't think you need it anyway.