Israel Falls Query Third Attempt (187 words)

[Cli-Fi]

This is my third and final attempt at this query nonsense for now. This query is all from Henry's perspective:

As time travel technology matures, more and more people start to fall under what’s being called a, 'temporal psychosis.' As the world’s foremost expert on people committing crimes while time travelling, Detective Henry Wilson isn’t surprised to learn that time travel isn’t as safe as everyone thought it was, but it’s only when he begins to experience the first symptoms, fits of déjà vu and bloody ears, himself that he accepts the Holy Temporal Council’s request to look into the matter.

As he investigates time travel’s long-term effects on the elderly, he uncovers the troubling truth behind the matter. That he and his budding family are somehow central figures in a conspiracy to start a cosmic war. No matter what he does he can’t seem to get out from under this horrifying destiny, and the only way out of this trap is to play a high-stakes game of cat and mouse with a madman, a secret society, and a seductive heiress. As war seems inevitable the feeling of déjà vu is stronger than ever before and the reason why will send his life spiraling out of control.

 

[Ihe]

Alright, this is my take. I'm not an expert in queries, so I'll look at the small picture only.

As the world’s foremost expert on people committing crimes while time travelling,

I think you need to have a proper term for these crimes. It's like saying: "people who represent writers" instead of saying "literary agents". It's a cringey mouthful, and given that time travel is kinda common in your setting, there really should be a proper term for those criminals.

Detective Henry Wilson isn’t surprised to learn that time travel isn’t as safe as everyone thought it was, but it’s only when he begins to experience the first symptoms, fits of déjà vu and bloody ears, himself

If he makes a living out of catching time-criminals, he shouldn't be surprised as to the dangers of time travel. Just mentioning his job description should be enough to give this feeling. The structure should also place "himself" before "fits of...", otherwise it feels off.

That he and his budding family are somehow central figures in a conspiracy to start a cosmic war.

"Somehow" can be done without. It detracts from the stakes and adds nothing.

As war seems inevitable the feeling of déjà vu is stronger than ever before and the reason why will send his life spiraling out of control.

This feels a bit like a run-on, and even if it technically isn't, I wouldn't finish the query with a long sentence. It dilutes impact IMO.

Hope it helps.

 

[Cli-Fi]

Alright, this is my take. I'm not an expert in queries, so I'll look at the small picture only.


I think you need to have a proper term for these crimes. It's like saying: "people who represent writers" instead of saying "literary agents". It's a cringey mouthful, and given that time travel is kinda common in your setting, there really should be a proper term for those criminals.

If he makes a living out of catching time-criminals, he shouldn't be surprised as to the dangers of time travel. Just mentioning his job description should be enough to give this feeling. The structure should also place "himself" before "fits of...", otherwise it feels off.

"Somehow" can be done without. It detracts from the stakes and adds nothing.

This feels a bit like a run-on, and even if it technically isn't, I wouldn't finish the query with a long sentence. It dilutes impact IMO.

Hope it helps.

Thank you @Ihe . The novel is almost complete, and during first draft re-writes I am going to come up with the technical terminology specific to the all these groups of time travelers that are fighting among each other. I've been playing around with names already so we'll see where it lands. Thanks for the input and I'll make the changes based on your grammatical input

 

[Cathbad]

As he investigates time travel’s long-term effects on the elderly,

What Ihe said, and I would add that on the elderly seems unnecessary and even a bit odd. What if the traveler started very young? Do these effects only begin to present themselves when a person reaches a certain age?

 

[Cli-Fi]

What Ihe said, and I would add that on the elderly seems unnecessary and even a bit odd. What if the traveler started very young? Do these effects only begin to present themselves when a person reaches a certain age?

In the novel, the worst symptoms start with middle aged people like the MC, and then elderly folks get it the worst. Half the book takes place in a Nursing Home.

 

[Cathbad]

In the novel, the worst symptoms start with middle aged people like the MC, and then elderly folks get it the worst. Half the book takes place in a Nursing Home.

Ah. Well, then it's appropriate!

 

[Cli-Fi]

Ah. Well, then it's appropriate!

I meant to say it starts to affect middle age people, the problems associated with time travel get worse and worse as you age. It's not pretty

And that's only one of the problems this society has.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I think I've looked at previous attempts but haven't critted. So here goes.

This is my third and final attempt at this query nonsense for now. This query is all from Henry's perspective:it's not - it's from a distant narrator telling Henry's perspective. What if you just let Henry write it?

As time travel technology matures, more and more people start to fall under what’s being called a, 'temporal psychosis.' It's really not a hooky first line As the that jarred - very similar to the first sentence world’s foremost expert on people committing crimes while time travelling, Detective Henry Wilson isn’t surprised to learn that time travel isn’t as safe as everyone thought it was, but it’s only when he begins to experience the first symptoms, fits of déjà vu and bloody ears, himself that he accepts the Holy Temporal Council’s request to look into the matter.this is clumsy and would finish you with most agemts, I think. I also, crucially, think you are missing a trick - this should be the opening and hook.

Henry knew that time travel was dangerous. But it wasn't until he experienced his own bloody ears and deja view that he accepted the Holy Temporal's Council request to look into the matter.

So much hookier - and, really, you don't need the rest to understand that opening.

As he investigates time travel’s long-term effects on the elderly, he uncovers the troubling truth behind the matter. That lose that, or join this sentence to the previous with a colon? he and his budding family are somehow lose somehow - it feels weak. central figures in a conspiracy to start a cosmic war. No matter what he does he can’t seem to ditto seem to, keep it very precise and not wooly get out from under this horrifying destiny, and the only way out of this trap is to play a high-stakes game of cat and mouse with a madman, a secret society, and a seductive heiress. Avoid lists if you can. As war seems inevitable the feeling of déjà vu is stronger than ever before and the reason why will send his life spiraling out of control.

The second paragraph mostly works for me, the first needs some work, I think. Hope it helps!

 

[Cli-Fi]

I think I've looked at previous attempts but haven't critted. So here goes.



The second paragraph mostly works for me, the first needs some work, I think. Hope it helps!

Thank you @Jo Zebedee, with your edits I think we might have something catchy here. Does the story seem high-profile enough to land an agent? I think it's got huge potential but I don't know how agents think, just what I've read about them.

I will attach the finish version on this thread in a bit once I've updated it.

 

[Cli-Fi]

I think I've looked at previous attempts but haven't critted. So here goes.



The second paragraph mostly works for me, the first needs some work, I think. Hope it helps!

Here's what I got so far @Jo Zebedee (134 Words) :

Detective Henry Wilson knew that time travel was dangerous. But it wasn't until he experienced bloody ears and dangerous fits of déjà vu that he accepted the Holy Temporal Council’s request to look into the matter.

As he investigates time travel’s long-term effects on the elderly, he uncovers the troubling truth behind this, ‘temporal psychosis’: that he and his budding family are central figures in a conspiracy to start a cosmic war. No matter what he does he can’t get out from under this horrifying destiny, and the only way out of this trap is to play a high-stakes game of cat and mouse with a madman. The feeling of déjà vu is stronger than ever before as all-out war engulfs the timeline. The reason why will send his life spiraling out of control.

Obviously I agreed with your edits

 

[Ihe]

Sorry to poke you again. You mention "dangerous" in two consecutive sentences, as well as "get out/way out" both in the next sentence. Also, a comma slipped in before "temporal psychosis".

The reason why will send his life spiraling out of control.

The reason why deja vus are getting stronger or the reason why he's at the center of the debacle?

Overall I like this one better. More concise.

 

[Cli-Fi]

The reason why deja vus are getting stronger or the reason why he's at the center of the debacle?

Overall I like this one better. More concise.

Yeah I thought that might be confusing. It's the reason why deja vus are getting stronger. That's the big shocker at the end.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Thank you @Jo Zebedee, with your edits I think we might have something catchy here. Does the story seem high-profile enough to land an agent? I think it's got huge potential but I don't know how agents think, just what I've read about them.

If I knew what might attract agents I'd be a millionaire. My one agented book was throw away fun as far as I was concerned - but she was right as it's still hugely popular

It will depend on the marketability of the project and the writing not the quality of the idea.

I find the source of writing serenity is to be okay with whatever outcome happens for your book babies and not to tie their value up with a certain outcome.

I don't always manage to live that, but it helps if I do.

So, huge luck in searching. But if it doesn't happen don't dismay.

 

[cidetraq]

I wouldn't say that Henry uncovers the truth when researching the elderly, because then it might imply that the journey was over. And also do we want to read a book about a protagonist whose life spirals out of control? Might change the wording